Public Transportation

Riding a bus can be a lot like a trip to the VD clinic. You have to wait around with a bunch of people who are there for the same reason you are, none of whom are usually too happy to be there. You don't really want to touch anything or get involved with anyone else who happens to be there beyond eye contact or exchanging brief pleasantries. You hope that you never have to repeat the experience, but deep down you know you'll be back. Also, you can be pretty sure that everyone around you has crabs.

Rating: 12%

(Image from aiga.org)

IUD

An IUD, or intra-uterine device, is a little T-shaped object that goes in your hoo-hoo in order to make things more complicated when you get pregnant anyway. It's a must-have for women who want to have a baby but also enjoy uterine irritation and extra trips to the hospital.

RATING: Cute but useless%


(Image from http://www.mydochub.com.)

Being Sick

Some days you will be minding your own beeswax as the kids like to say and then BAM! All of the sudden you're freezing even though it's like 80 degrees out and also you can't stand up for more than a minute without feeling dizzy. That's called "being sick" according to the AMA. Being sick is something that isn't so much fun, but one good thing is you don't feel quite as bad for watching TV all day including such great hits as According To Jim and Two And A Half Men. I think I'm suffering from delirium as a result of my fever.

RATING: 11%

Lube-flavoured lube

Lube-flavoured lube tastes kind of like coconut and kind of like nothing, and kind of like orifice. It's not as fancy as ID or Jiffy lube, but it's free if you steal it from the hospital while you wait 3 hours for socialized health care to provide you with a physician for 5 minutes. Grab a handful of cotton balls too--you'll need 'em where you're going.

RATING: 75%

(Image from conceptsinconfidence.com.)

Natural American Spirit Cigarettes

Natural American Spirit cigarettes supposedly have no additives. I doubt this makes them any better for you in the long run, but it certainly helps with hangovers. I smoke when I drink (usually about 5-15 cigarettes), and I used to get horrible hangovers, but I after I switched to this brand I noticed next-day headaches and nausea became about 70% less harsh. I've heard people say that cigarette smoke contributes equally or more to a bad hangover than booze itself (research suggests that both vices produce scary levels of acetaldehyde in the human body), and I believe it. Be that as it may, there's something about these cigarettes, even if they don't actually taste so great. If you like to drink and you're dumb enough to smoke you should give them a try, or just quit altogether before you get cancer or arteriosclerosis.

RATING: 90% if you're going to smoke anyway, 0% if you aren't.

(Image from www.ethicalshopping.com.)

That Fucking Bowflex Ad

I was watching the New Year's Day Corner Gas-athon and this advertisement ran about 300 times. It's the one in which the fake-tanned, rat-faced douchebag who recently lost 75 lbs poses shirtless indoors with a surfboard and sunglasses and says contemptuously, "I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends."

I bet they really appreciated that, you smug piece of shit.

Also, "Be strong, be fit, be Bowflex" is a really stupid slogan. Wouldn't "Get strong, get fit, get Bowflex" make a little more ontological sense?

RATING: Bowflex: I don't know because my fat ass has never used one%
That guy: should be shot in the stomach and buried alive%

(Image from www.courier-journal.com.)

CT scans

A CT scan, or "cat scan," is sort of like a really, really slow moving amusement park ride after which you supposedly find out if the giant fucking lump in your throat is due to allergies, cancer, or maybe just an alien embryo. It only takes about 5 minutes for the procedure, during which you get to lie on a comfy plastic table and get a fun intravenous injection of iodized contrast medium. It also costs $800, which works out to about $160 per minute, or $2.67 per second. That's more than the Bill Lynch Show, but less than Disneyland.

RATING: 1% or 100%, depending on what the radiologist tells you on Monday

(Image from www.lasallegeneralhospital.com.)

Eyeballs

Eyeballs are things that most of us have that allow us to see and react to baseballs if they are thrown at us, or if we see a woman with a hot butt walking down the street they will pop out of our face on spring like devices while steam comes out of our ears and our tongues unravel to the ground. One bad thing with eyeballs is sometimes they can be not so great like mine, and then you have to either wear glasses all the time like a huge dorky nerd or wear contact lenses, but that's not so hot either because your eyes can start to hurt and then you get a big headache. Also, eyeballs are good for seeing movies and underwear.

RATING: 94%

Headaches

These things are not very much fun at all, especially if you get the migraine variety. I've only ever had one of those, and I thought that I was going to die, but at the same time I thought it was weird the way it affected my vision. In my opinion you should not get headaches if at all possible.

RATING: 17%