Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil

In 1957, Father Jonas (motivated either by religious zealotry or demonic possession) kills two horny teens in the parking lot of Hamilton High on Prom Night. The killer priest is apprehended, drugged into a comatose state and locked away by church officials. 34 years later, Father Jonas escapes and makes his way to an old seminary. Meanwhile, two high school girls ditch their prom to go to a remote summer home with their much-older-looking boyfriends. And, since this is a movie, that remote summer home and the old seminary turn out to be the same place. Which puts the two couples directly in the path of the demented Father Jonas. Other than the opening sequence and the fact that the contemporary scenes take place on Prom Night, this movie doesn't really have any connection to the other Prom Night films. It doesn't even really make sense that the contemporary scenes are set on Prom Night, since they're also set in the Winter. Are Winter Proms a thing? I know they shot this movie in Canada, but come on people.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Enterprise S1E10 - "Cold Front"

While meeting some space-religious-types on a pilgrimage to a space-cloud, Archer and co. also meet some time travelers who want to either fuck things up or save them. It's actually an ok episode before the time travelers come in and force a story arc because people nowadays apparently can't enjoy a show unless "everything's connected, man!"

RATING: 62%

Enterprise S1E6 - "The Andorian Incident"

So there's lots of crazy space things to explore, but instead Archer's like "let's check out this boring Vulcan monastery!" Turns out some Andorians also wanted to check it out, ie take everybody hostage because they worry there's a secret spy thing underneath, but that would never be true in Star Trek, right???

RATING: 64%

Red State

Internet washout Kevin Smith made this movie without any kind of studio backing, which as an artist I can appreciate, but the movie is shapeless and takes four or five turns into totally different movies which leads me to believe there was nobody there to say "Hey, uh, wha?" Is that good? I STILL DON'T KNOW. I feel like I'm too familiar with Smith's other movies to think of this as genius, per se, but maybe it's sort of like Adam Sandler's performance in Punch Drunk Love, one weird and unique artistic expression that the artist himself would never recognize in a million years. So the plot is a Fred Phelps-esque preacher hates gay people in pretty violent ways and lots of people say "homosexual" in really fake southern accents.

RATING: 73%

Heaven

Here's how I'll know if I got into Heaven or not after I die. When I get up to the pearly gates or whatever, I'll ask, "Hey, quick question before I get in there. Did George Carlin make the cut?" If they say something to the effect of, "Of course he did. He's doing a set right now. You're really going to love his new material." Then I'll know I'm in Heaven. If I find out that somehow I made the list and ol' GC didn't, well then I'll know that I'm in Hell.

Rating: Sacrilicious%

(Image from educationcs.wordpress.com)

The Pope Smokes Dope

Well so I watched this interview with Steve Almond and I saw he was wearing this weird shirt that claims the Pope smokes dope. For some reason the rhyme has stuck with me all week. Steve Almond is funny; he quit his job over a commencement speech given by Condoleezza Rice, and had to put up with the virile anger of Sean Hannity, who is a gay. Steve Almond is funny, but I'm not sure the pope smokes dope. I bet he drinks a lot. He's Catholic.



Rating: 77%

Adenosine-5'-triphosphate

ATP is a damnable lie perpetrated by hell-bound atheists and Jew doctors. The only enzyme substrate in my signal transduction pathways is G-O-D.

RATING: 666%

(Image from www.anat.ucl.ac.uk.)

Protestant Guilt

Is like Catholic Guilt, only with a cardigan. Is like Jewish Guilt, without the sitcom. Is like Muslim Guilt, without the HALALALALALALALALLAH! It's different than White Guilt or Hawaiian Indigenous Peoples Guilt. If you feel like experiencing it, try having a few pints with a crazy foreign person and then driving home and asking yourself, "Yes that was fun, but shouldn't I have been plowing a field instead?"



Rating: Youmightbeagoodpersonbutthatdoesn'tmeanyouaren'tgoingtohellanyway%

(Picture courtesy of John Calvin, motherfucker)

The Lonesome Mormoned West

If you don’t know what Mormonism is, well brother, you ain’t been watching HBO. It’s okay; I’m here for you. Mormonism is…I’m not really sure, to be honest. Something to do with planets. If you want to join, here are a few things to keep in mind: you can’t smoke, can’t drink, can’t do drugs, can’t drink caffeine, can't grasturbate, can’t be a homo, and can’t grow dark skin. The good news? Trampolines!!! Morm-os love trampolines! Half of my family subscribes. My BFF in middle school was one, and he was funny and smart as allgetout; he could do math problems like they were going out of style. My third cousin converted because he thought the girls in Provo were smokin’. And he was right. In conclusion, Mormonism is like Christianity, only not exactly. Like Judaism only not so much. It reminds me of Islam except never. Hinduism? No. Scientology? Hmm. Getting warmer?

Rating: 50%

(Image from trampolinesales.com )

Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys are a little ol' team in the NFL from (you guessed it) Dallas, Texas. It seems unfair to be a fan of a team that's won 5 Super Bowls, is the most valuable franchise in America (2nd in the Universe, folks), often goes by the nickname "America' Team", and is known for doing a lot of fucking drugs; but I manage. I really don't understand why people have anything against some good ol' boys just having a good time. But people hate teams that win, and that's a fact (but I hate the Yankees because they suck). Then again, it's also hard to be a fan of a team that hasn't won a playoff game since 1996. So, I think it's time for people to lay off the hate and shut the fuck up. I'm talking to you, Richard Justice.

RATING: 100%

PS - I expect Viking Andrew to follow-up with a second review of the Cowboys (but don't forget to link mine!).

Scientology

Scientology is a cult in which Tom Cruise believes that Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, brought billions of people to earth 75 million years ago in spacecraft that looked like the Douglas DC-8, dropped them in or around volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs. The disembodied souls of these victims hang around in modern times, glomming onto people and harming them spiritually. These days, the Church of Scientology uses techniques like "training" and "auditing" in conjunction with pseudoscientific devices like the electropsychometer in order to brainwash its members and get money and/or work out of them. I used to think L. Ron Hubbard was just an unscrupulous megalomaniac and a bad writer, but after reading about Gorilla Goals, the Obscene Dog Incident, Coffee Grinders, and Ice Cube Incidents, I find myself wondering if he weren't maybe schizophrenic as well. In conclusion, Scientology is not only cold, manipulative, greed-driven, exploitative and dangerous, it's also stupid and trashy, and is pretty much the worst "religion" ever.

RATING: 2%

(Image from home.snafu.de. Check out H.P. Lovecraft's "The Shadow Out of Time" for pulp science fiction that's smarter and more fun, without the brainwashing and spiritual pretension.)

An Afterlife

One thing that everyone who's alive has in common is their impending death. Some people think the idea of an afterlife is just a comfort blanket for weaklings who refuse to accept the possibility of a permanent cessation of consciousness, but I'm not sure about that. If I were some kind of technologically empowered entity in the distant human future, and I were able to, say, reconstruct space-time by "reading" the background radiation of the universe (or something like that), I'd certainly feel a logical, moral and aesthetic obligation to resurrect the dead, at least to ask them if that's what they wanted. Of course that's a big if, but what's wrong with hoping? Dreaming? Longing? Lots of us buy lottery tickets, after all. When the people you love most start dying this line of thinking seems a lot less ridiculous.

RATING: ??

(Image of Correggio's Parma Frescoes from www.wga.hu. I highly recommend clicking on the above pic--it's gorgeous.)

Christianity

Christianity is a religion in which you believe that there is a supreme being named God or something, and also he sacrificed his son Jesus for your sins so you better be good for goodness' sake. In theory this religion is pretty good, because it basically says don't hate. In America this religion is actually terrible because everybody interprets "don't hate" to mean "hate all the time as much as you can." A lot of people here use Christianity as an excuse to do any sort of mean thing or vote any sort of mean way (Prop. 8) because the same people who complain about how hard it is to read Shakespeare in my class are all of the sudden experts on the meaning of vague Elizabethan translations of ancient Greek text. Anyway, I could totally be on board with the don't judge, don't hate, be nice part of Christianity (except for the God and Jesus and Hell parts), but that ain't in Texas, Flordia, Illinois, or I bet any other state in the union.

RATING: A Real Nice Story%

(PS - this review can basically be applied to any monotheistic religion, so just replace key words like Jesus, God, Elizabethan, Greek, America, etc)

Atheism

Atheism is a religion mainly for people who are really pretentious and condescending. Basically it is when you without a doubt believe there is no God, supreme force, connective tissue, or anything in the universe other than what you see because you're soooooo great and know everything congratulations. I guess being an atheist is fine whenever you come to that conclusion through science and reason, but one thing I hate is when people become atheists because they had a shitty week or something. "My car got stolen and my great aunt Petunia died, therefore I now know there is no God." Like what, he's your personal servant or something? Your sandwich sucks and it's God's fault? If you get into a philosophical argument with an atheist then it's probably going to be just as frustrating as getting into a philosophical argument with a Christian, so it's probably better to just talk about the Mets/Jets/Rockets/Blue Jackets instead.

RATING: I Don't Believe In Ratings%

Suburban Christianity

Richardson is crawling with Christians. The people here are nice enough, but there's a definite social gulf between the people who go to church and the people who don't. Personally, I think the Judeo-Christian personal conscience, along with Socratic reason, forms the moral bedrock of Western civilization, and I go to church for weddings and funerals and sometimes at Christmas or Easter. However, I'm pretty sure that to the people around here my own religious beliefs would sound like a cross between witchcraft and science fiction, and are heretical enough to warrant strong disapproval or outright ostracism from Christian company. Also, while I'm not a "liberal" in the current American usage, my opinions on homosexuality, evolution, stem cell research and abortion would go over like a lead balloon at the parish picnic. Several of our expatriate Canadian acquaintances have said that going to church is the best way to make friends in Dallas, but I just can't do it.

RATING: 40%

(Image from www.andymasteroffish.com.)

God

He's got a lot of names like Lord and Yahweh and Allah, and people are always blaming things on him or photoshopping him into pictures of bread or tree trunks. He's been played in movies by greats such as Morgan Freeman, Alanis Morisette, and George Burns. If you went to high school in a place like me then you probably had a lot of people always saying "God this" and "Jesus that" when they don't like a particular kind of music/movies/literature/science/political view/religion/country/sandwich/make of car/crayon. I never feel bad for God because no one can beat him in a fight, right? I would love to hug him because I bet he smells like candy and tastes like licorice.

RATING: 49%

The Devil

He's got a lot of names like Satan and Old Scratch and Penelope's Ashes, and people are always blaming things on him or photoshopping him into pictures of the World Trade Center attacks. He's been played in movies by greats such as Al Pacino, GlennCShaheen, and Harvey Keitel. If you went to high school in a place like me then you probably had a lot of people always saying "Satan this" and "The Devil that" when they don't like a particular kind of music/movies/literature/science/political view/religion/country/sandwich/make of car/crayon. I always feel a bit bad for the Devil because maybe he just needs a hug right? On the other hand I would not hug him because I don't want to smell like farts and catch on fire (again).

RATING: 51%

Abstinence Only Sex Education

(Sorry for the break - I was in Illinois/Missouri for a week)

As I logged out of Hotmail today, I saw a news feed on MSN about whether abstinence only sex education is the way to go or not. Well, in case you are from a civilized place and have never heard of that, abstinence only sex education is the kind of sex ed in which kids are told sex is bad, condoms never work, and if you have sex you'll get pregnant and AIDS. Going to school in Lake City, Florida, that is the kind of sex ed I received. Now, I'd like to think I'm an intelligent person, so I was able to dismiss all that as stupid. However, I don't really know if I would call most of Columbia High's students intelligent. Kids are going to have sex. That's all there is to it. So if you're being told that condoms never work (specifically, I was told they fail 80% of the time), why would you bother wearing one? Which might be why so many girls in my graduating class were pregnant or got pregnant soon after high school. Anyway, it never hurts to tell people the truth, vaguely Christian based government. Take it from me, an expert on teaching because I was a teacher.

RATING: 4%