Monster Cereals

These were a lot better before I was a grown-ass man. Ow, my teeth.

RATING: 39%

Just Bunches

Just Bunches is a cereal that is like a spinoff of Honey Bunches Of Oats. Basically, they took all the granola balls you would find in a box of Honey Bunches Of Oats and put them by themselves. It ends up being like a low quality granola cereal, because by removing all the flakes and almonds you'd find in Honey Bunches Of Oats, it makes each bit of granola all the less special than when you'd usually come across them. So in conclusion, Just Bunches as a cereal is nowhere near as good as Honey Bunches Of Oats, and I'd rather eat a bowl of Honey Bunches Of Oats any day of the week than Just Bunches.


RATING: 41%

Cereal Marshmallows

Cereal marshmallows, known as "breakfast gold" to children everywhere, are tiny freeze dried marshmallows of various colors that taste like science and have the texture of Styrofoam. In other words, they are great. I still remember the first cereal with marshmallows I ever had - Pac-Man Cereal, which was basically Kix with marshmallows. These days I don't eat marshmallow cereal that much, because I'm worried about being judged by people and also my heart, cholestoral, liver, etc. I got that picture from thebulkstoretaylor.com , from which you can purchase a bag of just cereal marshmallows, weird. THIS IS THE END OF AMERICA. Ha ha jk lol.

RATING: 62%

Race Krispies

Sometimes I'm in the mood for heterogeneous flavour first thing in the morning and sometimes I'm not, but I always try to be tolerant and open-minded. As a white male age 18-39, I know that pretty much the worst thing I can do either way is make a big deal out of this sort of thing.

RATING: 95% in public, 83% in private, but I hope future generations are enthusiastic enough about miscegenation that the opinions of all sorts of ethnic ideologues become irrelevant.

(Image from school.discoveryeducation.com.)

The Last Bowl of The Box

I've been enjoying an increased consumption of cereal the past few months. From Frosted Mini Wheats to um, Frosted Flakes there's only one major issue I've got with cereal. With the level of technological innovation in the world today there's no reason why I shouldn't expect every bowl of cereal to be consistently delicious. Instead, the last bowl of cereal is the crushed bits of cereal and sugar at the bottom of the box. Why aren't we solving this problem instead of finding a new way to mix corn, peanut butter and chocolate so we can call it breakfast? This is the kind of shit that needs to stop. First, let's perfect the simple sugary corn flake.

RATING: 8%

Life Cereal

I have no idea why Life cereal is called Life. Is it because it is so good that we must devote our entire lives to eating it? Well, I think it's a pretty decent cereal, but it's not that great, so calling your cereal "Life" is pretty pretentious, Quaker. This is a good cereal of sweet squares of some kind of grain, but one thing that I don't like is that every box of Life has to have some fucking kid on the cover, like if I was a parent who didn't know what kind of cereal to buy for my kids I would just pick up this one since there's a kid on the cover. Does that mean Honey Nut Cheerios are for bees, you stupid parent?

RATING: 70%

Generic Cereal

Instead of reviewing a new cereal to have everybody grumble at me for eating too many carbs or something Dr. Phil, I decided to review generic cereal in general. Overall, I like generic cereal because it is cheap and sometimes the taste is so weird it's actually better than the real cereal (like generic Cheerios). I do think it's a little suspect, though, that there is pretty much one manufacturer of generic/store brand cereal everywhere in America. The image I have is for generic Crispix, but I haven't seen it in a while. It has the bizarre/awesome name of Crispy Hexagons, and yet I've seen that same generic name at many different stores across many different states, all with the stores logo on it, so that's weird.

RATING: 70%

Honey Nut Cheerios

Maybe I do eat too much cereal after all. Honey Nut Cheerios is a classic cereal that everybody loves including me. It was one of the cereals that we always had when I was a kid, so it's kind of stuck on me. I just wish they still made the Canadian version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal I always used to eat. How am I actually reviewing this cereal, and based on what criteria? Your guess is as good as mine.

RATING: 81%

Cracklin' Oat Bran

Cracklin' Oat Bran is the best cereal that uses colloquial speech in its title. Except for Honey Motherfuckin' Nut Cheerios. I don't usually buy this cereal because it is expensive, but it was on sale the other day and I felt like having some dense oats for breakfast. They are tough to eat a lot of because they are really thick, but if you like your cereal to look like robot mouths then this is the product for you.

RATING: 60%

Golden Grahams

General Mills knew exactly how to rope me in. I was at Target yesterday, just buying a sandwich and an envelope, and I walk past this end cap of Golden Graham boxes, except they're the design from the 80s. Usually I don't buy name brand cereal if there's a comparable generic version, but I had to participate in this bit of nostalgia which is what the company knew. Anyway, I don't know why I felt nostalgic about it because we never had Golden Grahams when we were kids, and I always considered them a fancy cereal along the lines of Lucky Charms or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But I like them a lot better than La Lechera Flakes.

RATING: 63%

La Lechera Flakes

This is a cereal that is supposed to be flavored like sweetened condensed milk. On the other hand, it is disgusting. It tastes like coconuts or baby puke, and those are two flavors I hate. I bought it because I thought it would be like Frosted Flakes except less sweet. Wrong.

RATING: 39%

Frosted Flakes Gold

This cereal is pretty good I guess. Reminds me of Honey Nut Corn Flakes from my youth, one of my staples in the old country. I don't really know why the box is dressed up to make it look like an energy drink or something. Also, I think Tony the Tiger is probably gay.

RATING: 70%