Skruf Cranberry Snus

Like a craisin dipped in salt. This is why Swedish people never smile with their eyes.

RATING: 20%


(Image from www.snustopia.com.)

Ted Leo's Cover of "Everybody Wants To Rule The World"

The A.V. Club, the semi-serious pop culture offshoot of the Onion, started their Undercover project a few months ago. Inviting bands into their office to play cover songs from a predetermined list of tracks. The first entry in the project, my favorite so far, was Ted Leo And The Pharmacists doing a cover of the Tears For Fears song "Everybody Wants To Rule The World." As corny as it sounds, Ted Leo's cover more or less redeemed the song in my mind. I recommend checking it out along with most of the other tracks from the Undercover project. There's even a Depeche Mode cover, if you're into that sort of thing.

Rating: 85%

(Image from adage.com)

The Karate Kid Remake

It's pointless these days to get upset about remakes of films from my childhood. As much as I enjoyed the original Karate Kid, it was only a matter of time before it got updated for today's youth market. But here's what I don't get: the movie is set in China and the kid learns kung fu from Jackie Chan. So, why isn't it called Kung Fu Kid? I'll tell you why. Apparently, in the remake, the Chinese antagonist to Will Smith Jr. calls him "the karate kid" mockingly because of his poor martial arts skills. And with that said, I've probably already devoted more time and consideration to this than anyone involved in the marketing campaign for the Karate Kid.

Rating: Sweep the leg Johnny%

(Image from wikipedia)

Matinee

Matinee is a comedic coming of age story set against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile Crisis and the glory days of the B movie. John Goodman plays Lawrence Woolsey, a stand-in for classic B movie mastermind William Castle, who shows up in town with his new monster movie, Mant, and a boatload of gimmicks. Matinee blends together a lot of elements from 1950's and 1960's American culture (cold war paranoia, juvenile deliquency, teen culture, etc.) which muddies up the time frame a bit, but doesn't distract from the movie as a whole. Matinee is Joe Dante's love letter to the bygone era of the B movie.

Rating: 90%

(Image from movieposter.com)

Midnight Movie

While I recognize that almost every movie requires some amount of suspension of disbelief in order to be enjoyed, Midnight Movie is the kind of movie that requires a frontal lobotomy. Even by horror movie standards, this movie is painfully stupid. It's the kind of shitty movie where you watch the cast watch a shitty movie. Sadly, it doesn't even get better when everyone starts getting killed off. Worst episode of Goosebumps ever.

Rating: 1%

(Image from celuloidemutante.com.ar)

Dallas

Whelp, that about does it for Dallas. Everyone who gets a chance should check out the Seaquarium, The Granada Theater and the Dallas Symphony Orchestra. Don't go to UTD, which is an an intellectual and social ghost town despite having some of the best faculty money can buy. Overall, I'd say Dallas is a nice place to visit but an uninspiring place to live--not bad, just not for me.

RATING: 70%

(Image from api.ning.com.)

Hang Grenade

Hang grenade can badly make the body to many piece, or cause to hurt the ear.

You say: “What is your name sir?”

He say: “You voice loudly please sir! For my ear’s drum rapture from hang grenade!”

TO RATE: 2%

(Image from www.clker.com)

Mediocre Movie Double Feature

Blood and Bone

I'm not sure if this makes sense, but Blood and Bone is essentially Yojimbo meets The Littlest Hobo. This guy Bone gets out of prison and rises the ranks of the illegal street fighting game so he can right some wrongs and get revenge on behalf of his dead prison buddy. The fight scenes are actually decent and not comprised from hundreds of one second shots. And Bone's sidekick, Pinball, is played by the guy who was Rufio in Hook.

Rating: 62%


Fighting

Southern tough guy with a heart of gold moves to the big, bad city. He gets caught up in the illegal street fighting game. His "manager" wants him to throw the big fight, will he or won't he? (He doesn't.) This movie tries to be very serious and dramatic, but it is very, very dumb. A lot of time is wasted on pointless back story and secret character connections. Also, I could never tell if Terrence Howard's character was supposed to be gay or retarded.

Rating: 45%

(Images from traileraddict.com and blogs.bet.com)

Waitress at The Fox and Hound

Yes, you have taut, coffee-coloured skin, the thick, straight, black hair of an Egyptian princess and you look great in a postage stamp-sized slutty Hallowe'en costume. But in 20 years you'll be covered in stretch marks and hairy moles like the rest of us, and no one will like you because you're mean to everybody. Perhaps I'm too judgmental and the real reason you're so rude is because you stayed up all last night reading Sense and Sensibility while caring for your ailing mother, but that still wouldn't explain your raging sense of entitlement.

RATING: 17%, because people who deal with drunks earn their tips.

(Image from rlv.zcache.com.)

Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan

A Beer For Every State #5 - Mississippi

In honor of Lazy Magnolia, here's a lazy review:

The big selling point is that this beer is made with, and tastes like pecans.

This beer doesn't really taste like pecans.

Oil spill joke.

More fail from Mississippi!

RATING: 62% (it is beer!)

Cinco De Mayo

Cinco De Mayo is __________ _____ _ __________ Mexico _____ ____ __ __ ________ battle ____ __ France _____ then ___ _____. ___ __ _ ______ Americans ___ _ ____ __ ___ always ___ _ _____ __ ___ ____ supremacy___ __ __ ______ __ identity ___ _ _____ __. ___ __ ________ _ ___? __ _____ __ _____ _____ ___ _____ _ __ __ _______ ____. ___ ___ ____ __ ___ ____ ______ __ __ ______ _______ __ ___ __________ _ ____ ________. ___ _ __ ____ _________ ___ ___________ ___ __ ____ ____.

RATING __%

The Times Square Bomb

I'm glad nobody got hurt and everything, but let's stop playing up how bad "this could have been." It was some children's alarm clocks loosely connected to fireworks, gasoline, and nonflammable fertilizer. It was as if Faisal Shahzad heard the television describe a bomb once a long time ago and tried to wing it from memory. The guy was less terrorist mastermind and more Shreeky from the Care Bears cartoon. And, yeah, news channels, it "could have been much worse" if it was a working bomb, or if the fertilizer was the splodin' kind, but it also could have been much worse if it had a miniature black hole generator or zombie plague canister in it, too.

RATING: 100% (I guess it was the best kind of bomb, after all)

(PS - Don't do a Google image search for "Shreeky from Care Bears" with SafeSearch off, FYI.)

Yard Sales

I love yard sales. This past weekend was the annual "100 Mile Yard Sale," a semi-organized local event that attempts to encourage and co-ordinate yard sales in a number of neighboring communities. While I didn't find anything especially valuable or noteworthy (like you might see on Antiques Roadshow), I did pick up some movies, some vintage Atari schwag, and some cheap books (you can always find dirt cheap books at yard sales). But it's not just about what you come home with, it's also about the thrill of the hunt. Driving down the road, eyes peeled for neon bristle board with hastily scrawled lettering, rooting through cardboard boxes, half-listening to the bullshit stories that the sellers tell you about their goods/themselves, silently judging the crazy people/stuff (maybe that's just me). Occasionally I worry that I'll end up on a show like Hoarders some day, but if spending 75¢ on a Graham Greene novel is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Rating: Would you take 90% for that?

(Image from billsbuddies.wordpress.com)

The Fragile by Nine Inch Nails

When I first bought this album, I hated it so much because it wasn't a bunch of songs identical to "The Perfect Drug." At the same time, nyc ghosts + flowers was my favorite Sonic Youth album. I don't know what was exactly wrong with me when I was a sophomore in college, but man was I dumb. The way Reznor weaves certain melodies and lyrics through both discs of the album makes it seem as though it is more like a symphony than a rock album, and this is now my favorite Nine Inch Nails record. Also, according to Wikipedia, Human Clay by Creed followed this as the number one album, so I guess I wasn't the only person whose head wasn't right about music in 1999.

RATING: 92%

Death At A Funeral

Everybody was so furious when this movie was coming out because it is a remake of some British movie from three years ago. Well, sorry to say, I had no interest at all in seeing the British movie, but this one looked ok and was also the only movie starting at the movie theater when we just drove there to see what was playing. It was pretty hilarious, I think. It's all about how this family's father dies, ha ha, get it? In conclusion America wins again.

RATING: 70%

Kick-Ass

I find it hilarious that they can put out a movie with the word "ass" in the title. That said, I'm not sure who Kick-Ass was made for. Fanboys are a notoriously fickle bunch and internet hype rarely results in box office success. And with an R rating there was no way that Kick-Ass was going to make the kind of money that comic book movies like The Dark Knight or Iron Man have made. It's also hard to ignore that, despite a running time of nearly two hours, the movie feels rushed, constantly glossing over characters and plot points. Not even the violence, which seems to be the major selling point here, is enough to fully redeem this film.

Rating: 73%

(Image from iwatchstuff.com)

3OH!3's "Starstrukk" feat. Katy Perry

Those kids from the Sunny D commercial are all growed up and they have a band that sounds like prostate cancer.

RATING: 2%

(Image from www.aceshowbiz.com.)

Kids in the Hall: Death Comes to Town

I've always maintained that the critics who panned Brain Candy and The Wrong Guy were probably Americans whose idea of a really hilarious movie is one in which a guy gets hit in the groin twice, and who are even now bragging about how one time they were on the same flight as Dane Cook. Just because no one from SNL has made a decent movie in twenty years doesn't mean sketch comedians can't be funny in longer, narrative-based projects. Be that as it may, Death Comes to Town is a dull, sad affair, with weak characters, flat dialogue, and very few laughs. When you're as old, chubby and tired-looking as Dave Foley, you really can't pull off playing multiple characters on the same show, especially one as weakly written as this. If Death Comes to Town were my dog, I'd have put it to sleep long before Episode 8.

RATING: 20%

(Image from www.thecoast.ca.)

Robot Monster

I'm not immune to the "so bad, it's good" allure of some movies, but there are movies out there that are so terrible that they should never be watched by anyone, ever, under any circumstances. One such movie is 1953's Robot Monster, you know, the one with the guy in the gorilla suit with a fishbowl on his head. Yeah, that one. Shown in 3-D, because adding a gimmick to a piece of shit movie is a timeless ploy, the film's sheer level of suckage more or less caused its director Phil Tucker to attempt suicide. Robot Monster attempts to tell the story of an evil alien called Ro-Man who tries to hunt down and kill the last few people on Earth using his death ray and blah, blah, blah. This movie sucks ass and for some reason it features a bunch of stock footage of lizards fighting.

Rating: 1%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Rio Bravo

When I first started watching westerns, I mostly stuck with spaghetti westerns. Classic westerns, especially John Wayne westerns, were for old people like my father (nothing personal, dad). It took Howard Hawks' 1959 classic Rio Bravo to show me just how wrong I was. The film, essentially a rebuke of High Noon's politics, finds a diverse group of characters (Wayne's stern sheriff, Dean Martin's recovering drunk, Angie Dickinson's lady gambler, Ricky Nelson's fresh faced cowhand, and Walter Brennan's grizzled yet comical old timer) defending a stronghold and each other. The interplay between the characters is what makes the movie so good, but it also helps that there is plenty of action and comedy, a little romance and even a musical number.

Rating: 95%

(Image from obsessedwithfilm.com)

Pennies

If you're like me, you save all your pennies in a big ol' jar. Partly because you hate carrying them around in your pocket and partly because, even though they suck, they're still technically money. Cashing them in is lame too because you gotta roll them up first. Then you have to take those rolls to the bank because if you try to pawn them off at a store the clerk will look at you like you're the world's biggest asshole. Last weekend I rolled pennies for like two or three hours, and what did it get me? Twenty bucks and hands that stank like copper.

Rating: 0.01%

(Image from ephemerist.wordpress.com)

Bonus Question: I find a lot of American pennies in my spare change, do y'all Americans get Canadian pennies in your spare change?

Meddle

Meddle is a Pink Floyd album from 1971. Much like Obscured by Clouds, it's not one of Pink Floyd's more popular albums. Other than the opening track, "One of These Days," Meddle is a pretty mellow album. The closing track, "Echoes" (which may or may not sync up with the trippy space freak-out part of 2001: A Space Odyssey), is twenty-three minutes long and, on the vinyl version, takes up the album's entire B side. Also notable on the album is the song "Seamus," which features a howling dog.

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Oat Groats

"Oat groat" is the least sexy combination of words one can utter in any language. Apparently they're full of antioxidants or some bullshit but I can't really talk now because my testicles just committed suicide.


RATING: 50%

(Image from www.culinate.com.)

Smokehead Single Malt Whiskey

Between our excellent whiskey and our comely ewes, it's no wonder the Scots never conquered the world. Smokehead isn't quite as smoky as you'd expect from the name, but it beats a kick in the ass with a frozen boot.

RATING: 80%
(Image from www.whiskyintelligence.com.)

Abita Ale's Turbodog

A Beer For Every State #4 - Louisiana

The big selling point for Turbodog, according to the label, is that it is brewed with natural spring water. Well, that makes sense, since it tastes a lot like water. Nah, just kidding; that just seemed like the obvious insult to make. It's a pretty ok dark brown ale that I'm probably not giving a fair enough shot since I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. But then again, in Louisiana I've only ever been to Bourbon Street in New Orleans. That was probably not a fair enough shot either.

RATING: 71%

The Ricky Gervais Show

The Ricky Gervais Show is an animated program currently airing on HBO. It adapts portions of popular podcasts and audiobooks featuring Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Regular features on the show include Monkey News, questions from listeners and seeing whether or not Karl understands popular phrases. The true star of the show would have to be Pilkington, with his nonsensical stories about monkeys and his dimwitted responses to simple questions. Gervais and Merchant's treatment of Pilkington would almost be considered cruel if it weren't so funny.

Rating: 92%

(Image from daemonstv.com)

Sweet Water 420 Extra Pale Ale

A Beer For Every State #3 - Georgia

I loves me a pale ale, and this one is ok? It's hoppy, but not IPA hoppy, and I guess I would enjoy it if I'm ever in Georgia for some terrible reason, but it does have a sticky aftertaste reminiscent of puke or bongwater. Maybe that's where the 420 comes in, ha ha dudes, get it? I'm making it sound much worse than it is. As far as true southern states (beers) go, Georgia (this beer) is probably the best. But that's only because of Atlanta. And, uh, hops.

RATING: 70%

Michael & Michael Have Issues

Michael & Michael Have Issues was a short-lived comedy series from 2009 that featured Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter (both of The State, Stella, and Wet Hot American Summer). The conceit of the series was that it followed the lives of the two Michaels on and off the set of a sketch show they hosted called Michael & Michael. While not an entirely original premise for a series, the best moments on the show featured the Michaels being petty and horrible towards one another and their staff. Black and Showalter are both excellent performers of semi-improvised self-depricating humor. The series was cancelled after seven episodes.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Malcolm McLaren

If it weren't for his association with the Sex Pistols, I'd probably never have heard of Malcolm McLaren (1946-2010). Even now I don't really know that much about Mr. McLaren, other than what I've seen in various documentaries about the Sex Pistols and punk music in general. None of which was particularly flattering. John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) never had anything nice to say about the guy, then again he's never really had anything nice to say about anybody anyway.

Rating: SEX%

(Image from sowhysosad.wordpress.com)

Portable Grindhouse: The Lost Art of the VHS Box

There exists, to this day, a certain segment of the film fanatic population that continues to collect and fetishize VHS tapes. For them, there are "books" such as Portable Grindhouse: The Lost Art of the VHS Box, which is little more than a collection of photos and scans of approximately one hundred VHS tape boxes. Many of the titles in this collection will likely become lost films once their respective tapes have worn out, with little chance of them seeing a rebirth in the DVD and Blu-ray market. In some cases this loss will be a true tragedy, but for some titles obscurity will be more than appropriate. Despite being a novel idea for a book (get it? novel, book) Portable Grindhouse could have easily been improved by including some commentary on the VHS covers themselves or by organizing the titles with some regard towards genre or era.

Rating: Be Kind, Rewind%

(Image from thebookbeat.com)

April Fool's Day

A group of merry pranksters (including the guy who played Biff in the Back to the Future movies) head off to an island mansion for April Fool's Day weekend. The pranks and practical jokes are all in good fun at first, but then people start disappearing. Is there a killer on the loose? Kinda, sorta, not really. April Fool's Day is a classic '80s slasher flick, despite being a bit tamer than other slasher movies that were released around the same time. The ending seems to piss some people off, but you shouldn't really be watching slasher movies if you're a stickler for plot and/or continuity.

Rating: 75%

(Image from moviegoods.com)