Pyramids of Mars

There's a great scene between Sarah Jane Smith and the Doctor at the beginning of Pyramids of Mars. Sarah is excited to be returning home, while the Doctor is in a melancholy mood. "The Earth isn't my home, Sarah. I'm a Time Lord," he tells her. Tom Baker has said in interviews that one of the key aspects of his portrayal of the Doctor was embracing the Doctor's alien side. It gave him a lot of freedom. And by this point in his run on the show, the character has never seemed more alien. The Doctor goes on to complain that he's fed up running "around after the Brigadier." But before Sarah can offer a retort, there's an explosion in the TARDIS. When the smoke clears, Sarah and the Doctor find themselves in a priory that once stood on the grounds where the UNIT HQ would eventually be built. The year is 1911 and a powerful being known as Sutekh is using zombies and robot mummies to build a rocket to free himself from a pyramid on the planet Mars. Sutekh, who looks a bit like Omega from The Three Doctors, isn't in the story very much but definitely makes the most of his limited screen time. The serial moves at a brisk pace and has a fun, gothic tone. Pyramids of Mars is easily one of the best of the early Fourth Doctor stories.

Rating: Time is my business%

Planet of Evil

A distress call brings the Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith to Zeta Minor, a planet on the edge of the known universe. A scientific expedition on the planet has suffered several casualties at the hands of unseen forces. When a military ship arrives to retrieve the scientists, the Doctor is blamed for the killings. Meanwhile, after prolonged exposure to anti-matter, the expedition's lead scientist has begun to change in unpredictable ways. Planet of Evil is, unfortunately, a real mixed bag. While I love the design of the planet itself, everything else in the serial is pretty bad. The creature design, which cribs a bit from Forbidden Planet, leaves a little to be desired. The military ship looks like a cross between an upside down Enterprise and a dust buster. And the costumes in this serial are terrible across the board. I'm accustomed to forgiving the show for its cheapness, but this serial proved to be a bit of a slog.

Rating: Not guilty%

Piranha

Piranha isn't trying to hide the fact that it's a Jaws rip-off. Just one look at the poster and it's undeniable. Having said that, other than the poster and the basic premise of killer fish, Piranha doesn't really take all that much from Jaws. It doesn't feature any sharks, stock footage or bootleg John Williams sound cues. Piranha follows its own Cormanesque B-movie path. It's loaded with practical makeup effects, car stunts, boat stunts, underwater sequences and tons of screaming extras. With genre vets like Kevin McCarthy and Barbara Steele bringing some gravitas to the proceedings and Corman regulars Dick Miller and Paul Bartel rounding out the cast, Piranha stands head and shoulders above your average Jaws rip-off.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Terror of the Zygons

The Doctor is summoned to Scotland, where UNIT is investigating the destruction of some oil rigs in the North Sea. The evidence suggests that the platforms were destroyed by a gigantic sea creature, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. Harry gets captured by shape-shifting aliens, the Brigadier gets gassed and Sarah is nearly suffocated. The Zygons have begun their conquest of Earth and only the Doctor stands in their way. Terror of the Zygons definitely shares some DNA with serials like Doctor Who and the Silurians and The Sea Devils but it still manages to be an entertaining adventure. The Zygons are well designed and their use of organic technology is both clever and gross. At the end of the serial, Sarah and the Doctor leave Scotland in the TARDIS while Harry chooses to stay behind on Earth, ending his time as one of the Doctor's companions.

 

Rating: Sounds like the Brigadier%

Revenge of the Cybermen

Using a time ring, the Doctor and his companions leave the war-torn planet Skaro and return to the Space Station Nerva, where they've left the TARDIS. They arrive thousands of years too early, only to find the station's crew almost completely wiped out by a mysterious plague. After Sarah is attacked by a Cybermat, the Doctor discovers that someone on the station is in cahoots with the Cybermen. Might it have something to do with the drifting planetoid that the station is orbiting? Find out in Revenge of the Cybermen. Coming soon to a Blu-ray player or streaming service near you. No, but seriously folks, Revenge of the Cybermen isn't a bad serial, it's just a bit of a dud. Putting it back-to-back with Genesis of the Daleks doesn't help it either. The Cybermen need to be menacing to be an effective adversary, here they're just chatty robots with a new plot-based weakness. It's not all bad though, the Doctor has some great dialogue, the serial is well paced and the use of multiple locations keeps it from being just another "base under siege" story.

Rating: Everything's of interest to me%

Needful Things

 

A New England town actually has a lot of real bad people in it (in a Stephen King story? Nooooo!) so a Max Von Sydow demon shows up to give them little treasures in exchange for them all pranking each other into a murderous rage. It's pretty bland in general, but it has an amazing building explosion from back when they'd actually for real blow up a whole dang building for a B movie. 

RATING: 56%

Genesis of the Daleks

The Time Lords transport the Doctor and his companions to the planet Skaro. There, the war between the Kaleds and the Thals rages on, as it has for centuries. At the same time, deep in an underground bunker, the Kaled scientist Davros unveils his newest creation, the Daleks. The Doctor is tasked with stopping the Daleks at this early stage of their development. With enemies on all sides, it will prove to be a difficult, if not impossible, task. Genesis of the Daleks is an excellent serial. Great story, great characters, great stunts, great sets, and on and on. Davros is both a highlight of the story and a great addition to the Daleks mythos.

Rating: Harry, I'm standing on a land mine%

The Tommyknockers

 

A quiet New Zealand, erm, New England town gets turned all fliparoo whenever a lady digs up an ancient crashed spaceship, hypnotizing everyone into building inventions like laser lipsticks. It may be the worst Stephen King movie I've watched so far, but at least there's an alcoholic poet who tries to save the day.

RATING: 17%

The Dark Half

Sleepwalkers

 

A mother and son vampire monster duo arrive in a small town to suck the life force out of a local virgin, only they don't count on some heroes - a buncha domestic cats, the soul vampires' one and only weakness! It's majorly silly, but like why not watch it?

RATING: 68%

The Sontaran Experiment

The Doctor and his companions beam down to Earth from the Nerva space station. It's not long before they encounter the crew of a crashed ship and the Sontaran warrior who's been hunting them. At only two episodes in length, The Sontaran Experiment is one of the shorter serials in Doctor Who's classic run. The fact that it was shot entirely on location also sets it apart from other stories. The plot is pretty thin, it was apparently supposed to be part of The Ark in Space originally. Also, the choice to bring back the Sontarans was due to the fact that they could save money on the production by reusing the Linx's costume from The Time Warrior. Tom Baker broke his collarbone during filming and there are some scenes in the second episode where he is clearly attempting to hide that his arm is in a sling.

Rating: This is extremely interesting%

The Ark in Space

A quick trip to the moon goes awry and the Doctor and his companions soon find themselves on a space station orbiting Earth in the distant future. At first, the station appears to be abandoned but it's not long before the time traveling trio discover that the station actually houses hundreds of people in suspended animation. The station also seems to have been sabotaged by some unknown force. As the Doctor begins to revive the station's crew and put the pieces of the mystery together, the dangerous presence lurking in the station's shadows begins to make itself known. The Ark in Space has a great tone, balancing the suspense and horror elements of the story nicely. It also makes for a great departure from Robot and the Third Doctor story style.

Rating: I might have been saying something important%

Ice Sharks

A group of research scientists in Antarctica are menaced by an evolved breed of killer sharks, Ice Sharks. Right off the bat, I will give the movie credit for using an unusual breed of shark, the Greenland shark, for its purposes. But that's about all the credit I can give. The plot is dumb, no surprise there. The acting is second-rate, also to be expected. But the CGI in the movie is a special kind of awful. It's laughably bad. It's the kind of bad CGI you might have seen in something from the 90s. But then again, it's a lot like what the comedian Richard Jeni once said about Jaws: The Revenge, the only people dumber than the people who made the movie are the people who watched it.

Rating: 39%

(Image from IMDB)

Monsters - "The Moving Finger"

 

In this episode of the cheapass follow-up to the great 80s show "Tales from the Darkside," a super long finger pops out of a bathroom sink to irritate a nice tall guy. I don't remember the Stephen King story exactly but I guess this is fine?

RATING: 41%

Robot

Someone or something has been stealing top secret scientific plans and parts. With UNIT and Sarah Jane Smith investigating, it soon becomes clear that a group of scientists and an advanced robot are behind it all. Their plan: blackmail the world's superpowers using some stolen nuclear missile launch codes. Robot comes across as a typical Third Doctor story and yet it's clear right away that things have changed. Having traded his frilly shirts and Venusian aikido for an absurdly long scarf and a Cheshire Cat grin, the Fourth Doctor's chaotic whimsy lends the proceedings a burst of energy. And, at the end of the serial, as the Doctor, Sarah Jane and the newest companion Harry Sullivan board the TARDIS, Doctor Who effectively ends the UNIT era and the Doctor's Earthly exile.

Rating: You may be a Doctor, but I am the Doctor%

Golden Years

 

A janitor working at that same company (The Company) that turned the little girl from Firestarter into a fire starter gets zapped by an explosion and starts getting younger. Apparently Stephen King saw Twin Peaks and wanted to make something similar, but with a little less fever dream. Well buddy I gotta say that I think the fever dream aspect is a real big part of what makes Twin Peaks so good! 

RATING: 34%

Sometimes They Come Back

 

An English teacher with an embattled past (like, of course - he's an English teacher) comes back to his home town to teach high school, only the ghosts of some 1950s jerks who murdered his brother start showing up and murdering his students. It's pretty well done for a TV movie, and fairly faithful to the short story, though they changed the story's great ending with sympathetic magic in the classroom to a more action packed finale. I "get it" but it's still a real shame!

RATING: 67%

Misery

 

A famous author of schlocky romance novels gets in a snowstorm accident where he almost dies but he is luckily rescued by his number one fan, how sweet! Except, uh, maybe she's a little less than stable, and upset that he killed off her favorite character (named Misery) in his newest novel? Kathy Bates steals the show obviously but I wonder if Stephen King regrets that he never got success in the world of so-called "high literature." He's got several novels where the main character is a writer who laments their commercial success over critical success, and there's a ton of asides in IT about creative writing workshops. Like, sorry for all your international acclaim as perhaps the best known writer of our time? You'd rather have like a National Book Critics Circle award sticker on the cover of your unread books in a bargain bin?

RATING: 78%

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street

The handmade charm of Sesame Street in the 1970s is on full display in Christmas Eve on Sesame Street. The sets and the acting might be a little rough around the edges, but the special is still endearing despite these flaws. The main storyline involves Big Bird trying to figure out just how Santa Claus manages to get down people's chimneys to deliver presents on Christmas. There's also a section where Ernie and Bert essentially re-enact the Gift of the Magi. And there's a fun series of segments where Cookie Monster tries to write a letter to Santa, only to get hungry and devour the various things he was using to write his letter. But perhaps best of all, there's no Elmo.

Rating: Christmas Cookies%

(Image from Amazon)

It's a Wonderful Life

There's nothing new I could tell you about It's a Wonderful Life. It has been praised and parodied for decades. And it has been dissected and discussed to the nth degree. What I can tell you is that, if you like old movies, it's definitely worth a watch. It's a movie brimming with post-war optimism. It's a tribute to the honest, hard working, salt of the earth, American everyman. And they couldn't have cast a better lead. It's one of the quintessential Jimmy Stewart movies. His performance practically carries the entire film. Donna Reed and Thomas Mitchell are also very good in the movie. It may be too earnest or melodramatic for some, but that's probably part of the reason why the movie has endured. It's a very uncynical movie.

Rating: 74%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas with the Joker

On Christmas Eve, the Joker breaks out of Arkham Asylum on a rocket powered Christmas tree. He takes over Gotham's airwaves in order to deliver his own twisted take on the Christmas special, "Christmas with the Joker." With the lives of hostages hanging in the balance, Batman and Robin race against time to stop the Joker's fiendish scheme. This episode is pretty fun but it is definitely not one of the better episodes of Batman: The Animated Series. That said, even a mediocre episode featuring Mark Hamill's Joker is still worth a watch. Also, I've always loved when Batman tells Robin that he's never seen It's a Wonderful Life. "I could never get past the title," he says. Classic.

Rating: Toy Soldiers%

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

In 1897, a young girl named Virginia O'Hanlon sent a letter to the editor of the New York Sun asking whether or not Santa Claus existed. The resulting response has since become one of the most reprinted newspaper editorials in the English language. The story of Virginia and her letter to the editor has also been adapted several times over the years, perhaps most notably in the 1974 Emmy Award-winning animated television special. The style of the special will be immediately recognizable to anyone familiar with the Peanuts canon of holiday specials as it was directed by Bill Melendez, who also directed A Charlie Brown Christmas. And despite some depictions of people of color which have not aged well, it is still a very charming special.

Rating: Stereoscopic Slides%

Yule Better Watch Out

They managed to pack a lot into Home Improvement's first Christmas episode. There's a Tool Time segment at the top where a motorized Christmas tree goes haywire. Brad and Randy get crappy parts in a Christmas pageant. Tim and Jill debate whether or not they should tell Mark the truth about Santa. Wilson dispenses some sage advice while roasting chestnuts on an open fire. And plenty of hijinks ensue as Tim tries to outdo Doc Johnson and win the neighborhood Christmas Lighting contest. Most shows might have only taken on one or two of those festive plotlines, while Home Improvement managed to power through all of them rather efficiently. (Grunting Noises)

Rating: Remote Control Dinosaur%

A Chipmunk Christmas

The whole Chipmunks phenomenon started with the novelty track "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" A slew of albums and a TV series followed. Then, the Chipmunks went away for nearly a decade. A Chipmunk Christmas was their return to television. The special featured updated character designs from Chuck Jones. His contributions to the style of the special are unmistakable. It's practically a companion piece to his work on things like The Phantom Tollbooth and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Two years after the special, the Chipmunks would return to TV with a regular series that lasted eight seasons. And the popularity of the Chipmunks has continued to wax and wane ever since.

Rating: Harmonica%

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

There was an uproar when the original Silent Night, Deadly Night movie came out. People got upset. Mickey Rooney called the filmmakers "scum" who should be "run out of town." There was no uproar when Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker came out. No one noticed. And Mickey Rooney quietly cashed the check he got for playing Joe Petto in the movie. The Toy Maker doesn't have anything to do with any of the other Silent Night, Deadly Night movies. The story focuses on a young boy terrorized by killer toys. It's an odd movie. It's definitely more on brand than the last sequel. Mickey Rooney does a good job with the material. He's clearly slumming it, but he doesn't phone in his performance. Best sequel in the series?

Rating: 45%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: In one scene, an episode of Rambo: The Force of Freedom is playing on the TV in Derek's house.

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four

A Christmas Quacker

It's Christmastime in Transylvania. As the residents of Castle Duckula wait for the arrival of Santa Claus, their adversaries draw ever closer. The Crow Brothers, a quartet of dimwitted thieves, are once again attempting to scale the castle walls. While Dr. Von Goosewing, the bumbling vampire hunter, stumbles through the castle eager to use his latest invention against Count Duckula. The Count needn't worry though, his enemies (much like his staff) are not very good at what they do. "A Christmas Quacker" starts and ends very Christmas oriented, but there's a chunk in the middle where Duckula gets lost in a pulpy comic book. It's a bit disjointed, much like the series in general.

Rating: Books%

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July

I gave up trying to understand the logic of Rankin/Bass specials a long time ago. Now, when I watch them, I just let the madness wash over me. It's so much easier that way. That said, I still had a hard time with Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July. It's a feature length special, which is way too long. Also, it takes two of the heaviest hitters from Rankin/Bass' roster of Christmas characters and puts them in a circus in the summertime. I did actually like that they retconned Rudolph's backstory. He now has a convoluted origin for his shiny nose. Unfortunately, turning Frosty into a stop motion animated character did nothing to elevate him in my opinion. He still sucks. They did a good job setting up the villain, the evil King Winterbolt. And there were snow dragons and a creepy ice genie and even a corrupt reindeer named Scratcher. So, I guess I'm saying, it wasn't very good but it had some good elements. Not recommended, unless you are a Rankin/Bass completist.

Rating: Toy Boat%

Have Yourself a Merry Winslow Christmas

Family Matters, a spin-off of Perfect Strangers, went through a lot of changes over the course of its nine seasons. Steve Urkel, perhaps the biggest breakout character of the 90s, was barely in the show's first season. He was added to the main cast the following year and became a big part of most episodes. By the time of this Christmas episode in season two, there were nine people featured in the opening credits. Not all of them would last the show's entire run. Kid sister Judy would be written out of the show after season four. Ditto for Aunt Rachel. Little Richie started getting phased out of the show after season seven. Mother Winslow left the main cast after season eight. And Harriet Winslow, the character that actually crossed over from Perfect Strangers, left the show midway through the last season. But in "Have Yourself a Merry Winslow Christmas" they're all together. Singing Christmas songs, decorating the house and eating Christmas treats. Carl tries to help Rachel get a Freddy Teddy for Richie. Laura yells at Urkel after he accidentally breaks her favorite ornament. Later, she feels bad and reluctantly invites Steve to spend Christmas with the Winslows. And, after a little Christmas magic, the episode ends with the whole cast singing around the tree. Something not even Urkel could ruin.

Rating: CD Player%

Fun Fact: Reginald VelJohnson, who played Carl Winslow, played Sgt. Al Powell in Die Hard and Die Hard 2.

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Here's something that few people can say or would admit: I bought Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever on DVD. Don't judge me. Now, did I buy it because I thought it would be good? No. Did I buy it ironically? No. I bought it because, as someone who loves Christmas specials and also once received a Grumpy Cat shirt as a gift, I felt it was my duty. And I'm honestly glad I watched it on DVD. Because, before the special played, there were trailers for other Lifetime movies and something called Gummibär: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa, which looked like garbage. I was left thinking that there was no way the Grumpy Cat special could be as bad as what I saw in the trailers. And it wasn't. It was fine. It had a few laughs. Aubrey Plaza was perfectly cast as the voice of Grumpy Cat. I didn't hate it.

Rating: A Grumpy Cat Mug%

(Image from Amazon)

A Terminal Christmas

Wings ran for eight seasons, over 170 episodes, and yet it has virtually no cultural footprint these days. I place some of the blame on the theme song. Instead of going with something upbeat or catchy, they used a classical piano sonata. It didn't exactly set the mood for a workplace sitcom. In "A Terminal Christmas," everyone's Christmas plans get cancelled at the last minute. In an effort to salvage the holiday, they decide to crash a co-workers Christmas party. Only to find her alone, mourning her late husband. To cheer her up, they take her out to sea to spread her late husband's ashes. Hijinks ensue.

Rating: Golf Bag%

Christmas in Tattertown

It amazes me that Ralph Bakshi, the man behind the X-Rated Fritz the Cat film, was ever involved in children's animation. Not that his forays into family friendly cartoons weren't without their own controversies. Christmas in Tattertown started out as a pilot for an ongoing series, a series that was abruptly cancelled after some moral watchdog groups raised a stink over Bakshi's Mighty Mouse: The New Adventures. Both that series and Christmas in Tattertown were aggressively weird, but ultimately harmless. In the Christmas Special, a young girl and her dolls are transported to Tattertown, the place where discarded things come to life. While searching for one of her dolls, the young girl decides to teach the residents of Tattertown all about Christmas. The special tries to cram in way too many characters and world building details, which makes sense given its origins as a pilot. I can't imagine that a Tattertown series would have lit the world on fire, but the special does make for an interesting artifact.

Rating: Dolls%

Ernest Saves Christmas

I get that Ernest isn't everyone's cup of tea. The movies look cheap and they're clearly made for children. The humor is big, broad and basic. I can't deny any of those criticisms. However, I know I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Ernest Saves Christmas. It's probably the first movie I ever saw in theatres twice. It's the first thing I think of whenever I see something else with "Saves Christmas" in the title. And while it's not a movie I go back to often, whenever I do, I still enjoy it. Case in point, not even the ancient DVD I watched for this review, which showed the movie in widescreen but was not formatted for a widescreen TV, could hinder my enjoyment of the movie. Know what I mean?

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Robert Lesser, who played Marty, played the businessman in Die Hard who told McClane that he should take off his shoes and walk around barefoot.