Children of the Corn

 A couple is taking a shortcut through the rural back roads of Nebraska when they hit a child with their car, yikes! Don't worry, though, the kid was already murdered when they hit him, they swear, officer. When they try to get help they wind up in a quaint little town where all the kids have murdered the adults so they can have their own quasi Christian corn cult. I think there's some kind of creature but the effects of the movie limit it to some flashing lights that eat up whoever's being sacrificed. In movies whenever a couple rescues a kid from some horrible traumatic thing they're always like "you can stay with us now!" Like I know you just went through some serious shit but you gotta at least fill out a form or two for that to happen! 

RATING: 57%

Quammy's Take

Christine

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

According to some very cursory internet research, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child has the lowest body count of the entire Elm Street franchise. Only three horny teens get killed in the movie. Freddy still manages to get lots of screen time though. He's big and cartoony in the movie, punctuating most of his sentences with, "bitch!" The plot, so much as there is one, hinges on Freddy using Alice's unborn baby to reach more victims. There's also some callbacks to story elements introduced back in Dream Warriors. The effects hold up pretty well. The series is definitely past its prime by this point, but Dream Child is still watchable.

Rating: 67%

(Image from IMDB)

The Dead Zone

 A school teacher gets coma'd by a car accident and when he wakes up five years later his daggum girlfriend has left him and is married with a kid. Also he's got the ability to see the future by touching a person, a common side effect. He uses said power for the usual - stopping needless deaths, solving a serial killing, and preventing a murderous populist presidential candidate from destroying the whole planet Earth. 

RATING: 74%

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

If you thought Dr. Loomis and Michael Myers died in the explosion at the end of Halloween II, then Halloween 4 is here to tell you, "it wasn't as bad as it looked. They're doing just fine." The Halloween franchise never was a stickler for continuity. 1988's The Return of Michael Myers plays out almost like a remake of the original Halloween, except in this movie everyone believes Dr. Loomis and takes the threat of Michael Myers seriously. Halloween 4 also amps up the action with lots of guns and explosions. The movie ends with Michael being gunned down by cops and then falling into a mine shaft, which then collapses on top of him. And, as we all know, the only way a guy could survive something like that would be if, say, a hobo came upon his body and, like, nursed him back to health over a period of months or something. And, I mean, what are the chances of that happening?

Rating: 68%

(Image from IMDB)

Cujo

 

A nice dog gets bit by a rabid bat and turns into a not so nice dog. Well I coulda guessed that, his name is Cujo! Oh, this movie/book established that name as the evil dog standard, oops. The movie has a sort of modern independent horror feel because most of it is a mother and her toddler stuck in a Pinto as they are terrorized by the dog. The kid is a really good actor too - instead of that cliche "mommy I'm scared" sorta thing he is just screaming and hysterical the whole time. Once I was nannying a kid and I heard a woman screaming for help so we walked over and a dog had chased her up on top of a car. Dogs are scary! But I probably shouldn't have walked over to help a screaming woman while holding a three year old even though everybody was ok in the end. Anyway even though he's a murderer you gotta feel bad for Cujo - it's not his fault his owners didn't get him a rabies shot after he got bit by a bat. 

RATING: 71%

The Shining

Creepshow

Critters 3

Tagline: You are what they eat

Critters 3... Which one is that one? Oh, that's right. It's the one that has Leonardo DiCaprio in it. It was his first movie. And even though that's a piece of film trivia he'd probably love if we all forgot, he's really only a side character in the movie. The lead of Critters 3 is Annie, a young woman struggling to keep her family safe after some Critter eggs hatch in their apartment building. In some ways, it's a lot like *batteries not included. Except, of course, in this case the aliens are trying to murder the building's residents. But, other than that, they're very similar movies. 

Rating: 63%

(Image from IMDB)

Salem's Lot

 

An author returns to a town he lived in a couple years as a kid in order to write about a spooky old house. Turns out the spooky old house is filled with damn vampires! Well, a vampire, but he keeps making new vampires. It's a two part TV miniseries so watching its three hours in one go is a bit, hmmm, excruciating, but I thought the vampire kids scratching at the window was scary. 

RATING: 53%

Check out Carrie here!

Prom Night II

aka Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night II was never supposed to be Prom Night II. The movie was originally called The Haunting of Hamilton High. It was only after some extensive reshoots that it became part of the Prom Night franchise. But despite the reshoots and new title, the final product has almost nothing to do with the original Prom Night. And I couldn't be happier about it. Not since Howling II have I seen a movie so utterly and hilariously bizarre. I'll give it this, it's never boring. Any time you think things are about to get predictable, the movie takes a very strange turn. A lot of really strong, strange choices were made during the various stages of production on this movie and I applaud those choices. Bravo, you maniacs. Bravo.

Rating: 52%

(Image from IMDB)

Leprechaun

Leprechaun is basically the poor man's Critters. It repeatedly rips off Gremlins, it's kinda corny and it looks cheap. That said, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn't good by any means, but it also wasn't terrible. Was it poorly written? Yes. Was it poorly lit? Very much so. Did the costumes fit the actors? Not always. And it also wouldn't have been weird if the movie had been bookended with appearances from the Crypt Keeper. But other than that, it was reasonably tolerable. And you can quote me on that. It's probably safe to assume that the franchise doesn't get any better from here.

Rating: 58%

(Image from IMDB)

Planet of the Spiders

On a tip from Mike Yates, Sarah Jane Smith sets out for the countryside to investigate the goings on at a Tibetan meditation centre. Meanwhile back at UNIT HQ, the Doctor's experiments with ESP and telekinesis take a strange turn after his test subject comes into contact with a blue crystal from Metebelis Three. The serial that follows ends up being an excellent send-off for the Third Doctor. It's practically a highlight reel of his era with gadgets, cars, appearances from UNIT, mentions of past companions, displays of Venusian aikido, and on and on. Planet of the Spiders really brings the Third Doctor era to a nice, tidy conclusion.

Rating: I would appreciate it if you'd shut up for a moment%

The Monster of Peladon

The Doctor brings Sarah to Peladon, eager to find out how things have been on the planet since his last visit. Unfortunately, the TARDIS overshoots the mark, arriving some fifty years after the Doctor intended. Peladon is once again in turmoil. A civil war threatens to break out and the deadly specter of Aggedor looms over everyone. If The Monster of Peladon is remembered for anything, it has to be for its terrible wigs. The previous Peladon serial, The Curse of Peladon, established that the people of Peladon have weird two-tone hair. The costume department really leaned into that choice in Monster of Peladon and they gave the miners bizarre badger-like afros. They are rather ridiculous. Also, the Doctor seemingly dies several times during this serial. Possibly to soften the blow for what's about to come around the corner. 

Rating: I've always been very keen on survival%

Night Patrol

Imagine combining Mad Magazine with Benny Hill and the slapstick parody comedies of Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker. Then imagine taking most of the comedic talent out of that mixture. The end result would be something like Night Patrol, the hilarious* police comedy from the director of Blood Diner. If you thought Police Academy was too highbrow, you'll love Night Patrol. It's dumb and dated and vulgar. As far as this movies goes, if I could just get up on my high horse for a second, it's not a case of "they don't make 'em like this anymore." And more of a case of, "they shouldn't have made 'em like this at the time."

Rating: 48%

(Image from IMDB)

* Not hilarious

Death to the Daleks

All tuckered out after the Invasion of the Dinosaurs, the Doctor proposes a beach holiday on Florana. While en route, the TARDIS experiences a catastrophic power failure and crash lands on the planet Exxilon. Something on the planet seems to be draining the electrical energy from anything that gets too close. The Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith join forces with the crew of a marooned Earth vessel and a group of Daleks to find a way off the planet. The Doctor knows he can't trust the Daleks, but he and his companion are practically helpless against Exxilon's hostile natives. Does a mysterious, technologically advanced city hold the key to escaping Exxilon? Of course it does, why else would I bring it up? There isn't much to say about this serial. It's not bad, but there really isn't much to it. Also, you could take the Daleks out entirely and it wouldn't make a lot of difference.

Rating: It's a silly question%

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Hard Ticket to Hawaii is the story of a drug enforcement agent and a woman in the witness protection program who run a small, but profitable, cargo plane company who run afoul of a drug smuggling ring. It's also the story of a cable TV sports reporter. And it's also also the story of a deadly "contaminated" killer snake on the loose. It's basically three or four movies crammed on top of one another and smothered in softcore nudity. It's full of terrible dialogue, corny jokes and ridiculous explosions. I laughed, hard, several times while watching this movie. I'm not proud of myself.

Rating: 55%

(Image from IMDB)

Invasion of the Dinosaurs

Sarah and the Doctor return from the Middle Ages to find London nearly deserted. The city is under martial law. Only the army and some stray looters remain. As the Doctor and his newest companion soon discover, central London has been invaded... by dinosaurs. Invasion of the Dinosaurs is a very ambitious story. The dinosaur puppets aren't very convincing. Many of the sets wobble whenever anyone opens or closes a door. And the real meat of the story is both anti-authoritarian and a subversion of the environmentalist ideals we saw back in The Green Death. It's a great serial but, because of all those flaws, it is something that you have to be willing to meet halfway.

Rating: I'm never wrong%

Joysticks

Jefferson Bailey's arcade is the place to be. The nerds love it, the punks love it and, most importantly, the babes love it. In fact, it seems like the only one in town who doesn't love the arcade is local business man Joseph Rutter. Rutter and his two blundering nephews will stop at nothing to close down the arcade. It's up to Jefferson Bailey and his employees to save the arcade, snag the babes, and finally defeat King Vidiot in an epic video game duel.

And if you've read this far, it should come as no surprise that it isn't a very good movie. It's fitting to call it an exploitation film. It's dumb and it's sleazy and it isn't very well made. It's surprising that they were able to get permission to use Pac-Man so prominently in the movie. If you're into character actors, it's worth noting that Joe Don Baker and Jon Gries (The Monster Squad) are in the movie. Other than that, I can only recommend it to hardcore connoisseurs of 1980s trash.

Rating: 52%

(Image from IMDB)

The Time Warrior

Doctor Who wasn't supposed to be a show about monsters. The whole idea of the Doctor having a time machine was that it would allow the program to set adventures during historical periods, lending the show an educational element. Thankfully, audiences didn't care too much for the history lessons. They wanted to see monsters. And so, by the fourth season, the historical stories were largely dropped. The Time Warrior isn't a straight historical story though, it follows in the pseudo-historical footsteps of The Time Meddler. The Doctor and his new companion, plucky reporter Sarah Jane Smith, go back to the middle ages to find out who's been abducting scientists from UNIT's top research facilities. Once there, they discover Linx, a Sontaran warrior who's crash landed on Earth. It makes for an entertaining serial and a great debut for both Sarah Jane Smith and the Sontarans.

Rating: I'm very fond of delta particles%

The Green Death

The Green Death begins with our happy UNIT family all moving in different directions. Jo is consumed with the environmental work of Professor Jones. The Brigadier is investigating the mysterious deaths of some coal miners in Wales. And the Doctor wants nothing more than to take the TARDIS on an expedition to Metebelis Three. But, this being a television show, it's no surprise that all of their individual pursuits eventually coalesce. The Green Death is a top tier Third Doctor serial, in my opinion. It hits all the marks of the Pertwee era. There's cheesy special effects, fisticuffs, explosions, and some low key silliness. It also has one of the greatest endings of any Doctor Who serial so far, with the Doctor bidding a bittersweet farewell to his companion Jo Grant.

Rating: I'm quite spry for my age, actually%

Planet of the Daleks

Planet of the Daleks is occasionally dismissed by reviewers for being somewhat of a retread of the first Daleks story. They're not wrong, but I still enjoyed Planet of the Daleks far more than Frontier in Space. Written by Terry Nation, the creator of the Daleks, Planet of the Daleks has interesting locations, characters, and plot developments. And our main characters are only captured and imprisoned briefly. This could have easily been a standalone story, the connections to Frontier in Space are minimal. My one complaint: the Spiridons sound too much like the Ice Warriors. 

Rating: That's nice%

Frontier in Space

Frontier in Space is easily my least favorite Third Doctor story so far. It's barely even a story. I've read some reviews that praise this serial for embracing space opera elements, but I think that's horseshit. Frontier in Space is basically a series of holding cells. The Doctor and Jo are imprisoned several times in at least five separate locations across the six episodes. And while I recognize that getting captured is one of the show's most well-worn tropes, this serial just takes it too far. Also, this story is meant to connect to the following story, Planet of the Daleks, but it's set up in an incredibly lazy way. Other than a brief mention that the Master is acting on another party's behalf, the Daleks are only seen in the last ten minutes of the sixth episode. Frontier in Space doesn't even really have a proper ending. The Master shoots the Doctor, the Doctor and Jo escape in the TARDIS and we never find out what happens to the Master, the Doctor's friends or the looming war between Earth and Draconia.

Rating: You're wasting your time%

Carnival of Monsters

A pair of colorful traveling entertainers arrive on the planet Inter Minor. They're reluctantly greeted by a tribunal of gray skinned bureaucrats. And then, the TARDIS materializes inside the cargo hold of a boat. You may be asking  yourself, is it some kind of alien boat? Nope. It's a boat that appears to be on Earth, somewhere in the Indian Ocean in the 1920s. Confused? Did I mention that everyone on the boat seems to be stuck in a time loop? Because that's also happening. And there are dinosaurs and giant snake monsters and, if you look close enough, there's even a Cyberman roaming around. That's the beauty of Carnival of Monsters. Robert Holmes' script is jam packed with characters, locations and monsters. Thankfully, the serial is well paced and all of the disparate elements are smoothly integrated into the story.

Rating: No, that's impossible%

The Three Doctors

Fans had been suggesting for years that the Doctor should encounter a previous version of himself. And, for just as long, the show's writers and producers had been telling the fans that it was a terrible idea. But, when it came time to commemorate the show's tenth anniversary, it suddenly wasn't such a terrible idea anymore. The timing seemed right and the previous Doctors all seemed eager to participate. And so, we got The Three Doctors. The trouble was, William Hartnell (The First Doctor) was too ill to properly join in on the adventure. His scenes were shot separately and he mostly appears on a monitor screen. So, in that sense, the serial doesn't quite live up to its title. A problem that it will eventually share with the twentieth anniversary special, The Five Doctors, but I digress. The rest of the serial is entertaining enough, with the other two Doctors running around confusing and confounding the Brigadier. Apparently, Pertwee and Troughton (The Second Doctor) didn't get along at first, which seems terribly appropriate given their onscreen friction. At the end of the serial, all is right in the universe again and the dashing Doctor of the 1970s says goodbye to his predecessors. As an added bonus, the Time Lords provide the Doctor with the necessary parts and knowledge to repair his TARDIS, effectively ending his exile on Earth.

Rating: Pass me a silicon rod%

Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas

It's Christmas Eve at the X-Mansion. Cyclops and Rogue are trimming the tree. Jean and Gambit are in the kitchen preparing a big Christmas Eve dinner. Beast is in his lab. And Professor X is hovering by the Fire. Everyone is in good spirits. Everyone, except for Wolverine. To escape the cheeriness, Wolverine agrees to help Storm and Jubilee with some last minute shopping. Later, at an approximation of Rockefeller Center, their ice skating session is interrupted by a runaway ambulance. Our heroes discover that some Morlocks have stolen the ambulance in order to get medical supplies for Leech, a young Morlock in trouble. The X-Men follow the Morlocks into the sewer to see if they can help. Will Leech recover or will this be the saddest X-Mas yet? Spoiler alert: he recovers.

Rating: Teddy Bear%

The Small One

Back when I watched Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, I thought it was weird that anyone would bother making a special about the donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem. Little did I know that it was part of a whole genre of entertainment devoted to the story of this fabled animal. Ok, maybe "genre" is stretching it. So far, counting The Small One, I've only found two examples. But, the only thing crazier than one special devoted to a pack animal tangentially involved in the birth of the Christ child, is two specials devoted to the story of a pack animal tangentially involved in the birth of the Christ child. Animation fans should take note that Don Bluth directed this short, it was the last thing he did for Disney before striking out on his own. And people who hate Disney should know that the lyrics to one of the songs in the short were changed when it was released on home video because there were concerns that they were antisemitic.

Rating: One Piece of Silver%

Pinocchio's Christmas

At first, I thought Pinocchio's Christmas was an alternate universe Pinocchio tale but, as we come to find out at the end of the special, it's more of a side story. At the start, Pinocchio is already a walking, talking marionette but he has yet to go through any of adventures we're familiar with. Instead, we get to witness the story of Pinocchio's first Christmas. And, for some reason, that involves a fox and cat teaching Pinocchio how to lie and steal before they try to sell him into slavery. But before you feel bad for the little wooden boy, it should be said that at this point in his development, he's a real shit heel. And I think Geppetto is partly to blame. He's no disciplinarian, let me tell you. He lets Pinocchio get away with a lot. Even after Pinocchio robs a guy and takes off into the Enchanted Forest, Geppetto's out walking the streets saying that he's already forgiven Pinocchio. Jeez, now I don't feel so bad about Geppetto almost becoming whale chow.

Rating: A Poem%

(Image from Cineplex)

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie is essentially a riff on It's a Wonderful Life. It's also a real shaggy-dog story. And as much as I love the Muppets, I couldn't help but find this special to be a bit of a slog. There are several dated and unnecessary pop culture parodies throughout along with some borderline racially insensitive moments. It kind of feels like something that was developed by people who don't necessarily understand how the Muppets work. Some of the human characters are playing their parts so big and broad that it's embarrassing. Much like Kermit's vision of a world where he hadn't been born, this was a real bummer.

Rating: Chocolates%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas Story/Hash/Toys

Much like The Andy Griffith Show, Barney Miller was never a show that interested me. It would pop up in reruns all the time but I never watched it. I don't know if it was the production quality or the 70s fashions, but it just always seemed like a Dad show. And I mean that literally because my father was a fan of the show. Watching it now, I can't get over just how minimalist the whole thing was. I don't know if it was just the three episodes I watched, but the whole show plays out with only two sets. And one of those sets is just an office off of the main set. In "Christmas Story," Fish goes undercover to nab a mugger who's been targeting department store Santas. In "Hash," Wojo unknowingly brings a batch of hash brownies into the office. And in "Toys," Barney needs to balance his work life and his turbulent personal life, all while some feuding toy sellers squabble in the bullpen. Admittedly, only two of those episodes are actually Christmas themed, but I wasn't going to pass up the chance to watch Abe Vigoda act stoned.

Rating: Toothbrush%

(Image from IMDB)

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 isn't a "killer Santa" movie. In the UK, it was released as Bugs. Which makes sense because there are a lot of bugs in the movie. There are also witches and spontaneous human combustion and gender discrimination. Oh, and terrible acting, but I probably didn't need to tell you that. The movie does have a few ringers in it, though: Bond Girl Maud Adams plays a bookstore owner/witch, Clint Howard plays her homeless assistant and Phantasm's Reggie Banister plays the lead character's sexist boss. One character gets strangled to death with a string of Christmas lights, which is probably the only part of the movie that is on brand.

Rating: 30%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:
Part One - Part Two - Part Three

A Cosmic Christmas

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A young boy encounters three wise aliens who have come to Earth to discover the true meaning of Christmas. The young boy and his pet goose, Lucy, take the aliens all around town trying to show them the reason for the season. Mostly, they just encounter people being shitty to one another. I guess some things never really change. Eventually, all the townsfolk come together to rescue our lead and a punk-ass goose thief after they fall through the ice on a lake. The aliens, content that they finally understand the true meaning of Christmas, take off and everyone in town has a rip-roaring house party.

Rating: Goose Sweater%

(Image from Nelvana.com)

Twas the Night Before Bumpy

Bump in the Night was a stop-motion animated series from the mid-90s. The lead character, Mr. Bumpy, was some sort of green, bug-eyed booger monster or something. I'm really not sure. I can remember watching this show when it was first on, but I can't really remember much about it. Having just watched the series' Christmas Special, "Twas the Night Before Bumpy," I can tell you that the show was populated by various monsters and toys that lived in some unseen family's home. I'm not really sure if there was more to it than that though. In the special, Mr. Bumpy and his friend Squishington (some sort of ooze monster that lived in the toilet) traveled to the North Pole so that Mr. Bumpy could steal Santa's sack. It was a pretty standard greed = bad, giving = good story. There were some dopey songs that riffed on Christmas standards, Mr. Bumpy learned a valuable lesson and that was about it. I'm still a little confused about the whole thing.

Rating: Toy Robot%

Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town

Cobra launches a sneak attack on G.I. Joe headquarters while a bunch of the Joes are on holiday leave. Apparently Snake Eyes doesn't like to spend Christmas cooped up behind the laser defense grid. With our heroes temporarily bested, Cobra launches an attack on Keystone City using Joe vehicles. All in an effort to turn the public and the government against the Joes. The funny thing is that Cobra actually makes it to the city and does a few bombing runs before they're stopped by the Joes. The citizens of Keystone City even fall for Cobra's ruse, thinking the Joes have turned heel. The episode goes on to end without ever really resolving the issue of having a terrorist attack done in their name with their own equipment. But, being a cartoon for children, that plot point is dropped and the episode is capped off with everyone laughing and wishing one another a Merry Christmas.

Rating: Rocking Horse%