Sunday, August 31, 2008

Tom's of Maine Long Lasting Apricot Scented Deodorant

I smell like a fucking donut and my armpits have a rash. Hey, ladies.

RATING: 11%

(Image from pics.drugstore.com.)

The Searchers

Everybody knows this is supposedly the "best" western ever made, and one of the "best" films ever made, but I'm going to have to say absolutely not on both accounts. Sure, I guess it's deep because John Wayne's character is so racist and psychotic, but on the other hand the film is pretty racist against Indians, like how they kill women and children mercilessly, and how it's "funny" when Jeffrey Hunter kicks that Indian woman down the hill. Also, there's a big happy ending (spoilers) when they finally "rescue" John Wayne's niece. I think it could have been deep if it was made a decade later, although I will give it points for being charming and beautifully directed.

RATING: 62%

Danse Macabre by The Faint

This neat little album is like if you took Depeche Mode and then... uh, then... well, I guess it's basically exactly like a dancier Depeche Mode. It's a lot of fun and I'm sure if you like vampires, blackness, pretending to be obsessed with death, and dancing the night away then you should probably buy it, although it's only got 9 songs, one of which is boring.

RATING: 67%

Friday, August 29, 2008

Anonymous Comments

I don't understand people who post anonymous comments. They always seem to be either know-it-alls or outraged moral crusaders who are so earnest and serious yet totally unwilling to use their real names. Why hide one's identity if one is sure of the verity of one's claims and the integrity of one's arguments? The least these people could do is make me laugh by posting comments under a funny pseudonym, like Nyarlahotep, Jack Chuck, Schoolgrrl14 or John Stamos.

If I want to tell Glenn he's a philistine, I'll sign my name to it, and I'd expect nothing less from him (if he were a hostile jerk like me, that is). But if I were going to leave anonymous comments, I'd post dirty jokes, not shrewish polemic. People who are that querulous and self-righteous should start a blog.

RATING: 13%, or 7% for wieners who actually read Fence magazine.

(This image is actually my high school yearbook photo. I've put on weight since then.)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Pierson & Co.

So every now and then my job has its benefits, especially since it usually involves eating good food. Well, I finally went to check out this BBQ place in Houston with a co-worker after hearing repeated acclamations that it's "the best Q in Houston". Pierson and Co. recently won a blind taste test by some local "foodie" group (I hate that term) as the best brisket in Houston. Well, they're wrong (who needs all those dumbass "foodies" with their opinions anyway?). I got to try a sampler the pit boss gave us which consisted of turkey, ham, pork ribs, pork shoulder (butt), brisket, chicken and sausage. While the brisket has a nice smoke ring the pork shoulder was the piece that really stood out. It was so perfectly moist and tender for a cut that usually gets smoked so dry it becomes inedible. I got a chance to meet the pit boss Clarence and a chance to see the smoker. The guy has got some fantastic stuff, so if you're visiting the Acres Home area soon (and you probably won't), check it out. I just wrote this for myself.

RATING: 76%

The Moment of Truth

I sadly only have a few minor issues with watching people ruin their lives on TV for a few thousand dollars. I've seen a girl on this show lose for wrongly answering "Do you make it difficult for men to get in bed with you?" She answered "YES", but the lie detector said "You have no self esteem bitch...FALSE!" Then she didn't win a damn dime and had already answered that she wished her boyfriend would move out. You lose dumbass. Twice! Nevermind, I can't even be sarcastic. It's ridiculous to ruin your marriage and personal or family relationships for the chance to win money (even if it is $25,000). It amazes me how much people are willing to hurt one another for some cash. Okay, enough of this deep moral dilemma. This is R3 after all.

RATING: 17%

Cupcakes

In America, despite the fact that we love to eat huge portions all the time, we also like to miniaturize food. For instance, pizza pockets, White Castle/Krystal burgers, and cupcakes. A cupcake is a cake that is made in a cup, duh. You can eat it and then say you ate a whole cake and people will all be like "Wha????" but then you can say "Naw, it was just a cupcake" and then they'll say "Oh, you!" Sometimes you can eat cupcakes for breakfast but that's bad for you even though I just did it. I hear they're next trying to invent the cupsteak, so be on the lookout in 2009 is what I'm trying to tell you.

RATING: 62%

Truth: Red, White, And Black

This book posits that if there were US experiments in World War II to create Captain America out of a white person, they would probably have tested it on black people first, which isn't really too far-fetched for mid-20th Century America. I mean, the Captain America stuff is, but not the experimenting on black people. Anyway, this book was originally out of continuity, but descendants of Isaiah Bradley, the Black Captain America, are all over the place in the Marvel Universe now so it's clearly in continuity. This book is really well written by Robert Morales, but again it's the art by Kyle Baker that stands out. I've never seen anybody make white men look more evil. You should check it out, but it's a bit depressing so if you're already sad why don't you go rent UHF starring Weird Al or something instead?

RATING: 78%

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Let It Be by The Beatles

Let It Be is a troubled album for a lot of people (mainly the Beatles I guess) but for me, that's what makes it work. By the time The Beatles were at the end of their career, they were really into massive, spliced together, heavily produced studio tracks that could never in a bajillion years be performed live. They realized that, and wanted to make a live album (despite having not played live for like three years), and this is sort of that attempt. This is the album that the Beatles broke up recording (although Abbey Road was recorded afterward so they didn't go out on such a bad note), but the rough, unfinished nature of it is what is so appealing to me. I like it better than Sgt. Pepper, The White Album, and maybe even Revolver. You already know these songs.

RATING: 85%

Beer Coozies

Somebody please tell me why.

PS - I hope this is the last time this is the third place prize at trivia.

RATING: 12%

Dean Young

This isn't really about Dean Young's poetry or Barry Manilow's music. It's more about how they are twins separated at birth.

Funny story from Bread Loaf. During the first Barn Dance, Dean Young decided he wanted to crowd surf. I think the song was Girls Just Wanna Have Fu-un. Anyway, because writers have piddly atrophied arms from typing all day, no surprise that he was dropped on the floor and subsequently broke a rib.

Rating: Poor Judgment%

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets (Movie)

This was not as boring as I remembered it being when I saw it back in 2003. Oh, 2003! I was teaching seventh grade in Kissimmee back then. Well, to summarize this movie, magic magic magic happy ending.

RATING: 68%

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Beware The Creeper

The Creeper is some DC superhero that practically nobody has heard about, and absolutely nobody cares about. But when I saw the art to the cover of this first issue of the 2003 miniseries about the Creeper, I was like, Fuck Yeah, and then some mother slapped me because her five year old son was reading a Spider-man comic next to me in the store. Anyway, this is totally out of continuity, but it reimagines the Creeper as a woman in 1920s Paris who has very close ties to the Surrealists. There's a lot of great mystery about the identity of the Creeper, but she is seemingly avenging some local who are being beaten by this rich asshole. The story is great, written by Jason Hall (who has not done much continuing work, unfortunately), with a lot of unexpected moments and great character work, but what makes this series really shine is the amazing art by Cliff Chiang. Unfortunately, this was never collected in trade paperback, so you'll have to track down the five issues individually, but it's worth it. Also, here's a link to a message thread where Chiang talks about his inspiration for the AMAZING covers to these issues, with some drafts.

RATING: 76%

Richardson on the Hoof

In Stephen King's short story Trucks, a group of people are trapped in a diner by trucks and cars who have come to life and started killing people. It's a pretty stupid premise for a story. However, if those same trucks had retained their evil consciousness and designed a car-and-truck-friendly suburb with the torment and eventual death of humans in mind, it would have been Richardson, TX. None of the "walk" buttons at the intersections actually work. Streets routinely have both sidewalks torn up for maintenance that takes months to finish (and Mexicans driving backhoes swear at you if you try to sneak past them rather than walking out into 6 lanes of traffic). All the little roads between the major intersections lead to fenced off parking lots or gated housing communities plastered with NO TRESPASSING signs. It's a pedestrian's worst nightmare. Of course, as far I can tell I'm the only actual pedestrian out of 100,000 people, so I guess it serves me right.

RATING: 2%, but I'll add another 1% for every (intact, living) pedestrian I see in the next 7 days.

(Image from www.askville.amazon.com.)

The Birthday Bat

I don't really know how much more I should explain. Yesterday was Sarah's birthday, and at about 11:15, we got a visit from one of those wonderful holiday pests, the Birthday Bat. Sarah freaked out a little "It has fangs!" while I tried to chase the guy out of the house. Fun facts: if left alone, the Birthday Bat will steal all of your presents and replace them with guano.

On a side note, our puppy did not protect us...and we're a little disappointed in her.

RATING: 37%

(image courtesy of some stupid photobucket)

Monday, August 25, 2008

New Traditionalists by Devo

You know, I consider Devo to be one of my favorite bands, but they only really have like three good albums. Sure, there are great songs on all of them (to greater or lesser degrees), but only three of their albums are great cover to cover. New Traditionalists is not one of them. It's got the three video songs, Through Being Cool, Love Without Anger, and Beautiful World, but there's only two or three more decent tracks on the whole album. Buy it if you're a millionaire or completionist like me.

RATING: 43%

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Ha! What a load of fun this movie was. When it came from Netflix the other day I was like "Oh, man, a murder mystery, what a downer," but then it was pretty hilarious the whole movie, while still having a lot of great twists and turns like you'd expect. What made the difference here was Robert Downey Jr.'s charming performance as the narrator, who (and a lot of this was the structure of the film itself) doubles back and retells things as he remembers them, just like some funny guy telling you a story in real life. Val Kilmer is also pretty great as RDjr's crime solving partner, Gay Perry. If you're like me and didn't believe everybody a few years ago who said this was great, then get your head out of your bum and rent this, suckers, and also do your dishes because they're piling up.

RATING: 84%

Double Entendre

Sometimes in life you hear someone use a double entendre, and you kind of smile a little or maybe chuckle because sure it's stupid, but it might be a little humorous. It can even be a pretty smart thing to use every now and then, I think. Other times in life, though, TV networks insult our intelligence and create an entire lineup based around show names like "The Closer", "Saving Grace" and "Raising The Bar". Don't forget the critically-acclaimed new A&E show "The Cleaner" premiering this Fall. Obviously since a double entendre usually requires some additional knowledge I suggest visiting the movie theater this weekend and watching the TV commercials. Then you'll find the humor in this often misused, but clever figure of speech.

RATING: 30% (when used in everyday dialogue) 9% (when used for TNT shows)

Cultivating Humanity by Martha Nussbaum

"As Ellsion says, forming the civic imagination is not the only role for literature, but it is one salient role. Narrative art has the power to make us see the lives of the different with more than a casual tourist's interest--with involvement and sympathetic understanding, with anger at our society's refusals of visibility. We come to see how circumstances shape the lives of those who share with us some general goals and projects; and we see that circumstances shape not only people's possibilities for action, but also their aspirations and desires, hopes and fears. All of this seems highly pertinent to the decisions we must make as citizens. Understanding, for example, how a history of racial stereotyping can affect self-esteem, achievement, and love enables us to make more informed judgments on issues relating to affirmative action and education" (Nussbaum 88, italics mine.)

Martha Nussbaum writes like an affirmative action hire. I think she needs a double shot of that "liberal education" she's always talking about.

RATING: 15%, or 65% if you're a card-carrying democrat with a head injury.

(Image from www.justbooks.co.uk.)

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Wedding Crashers

This is the most boring, unfunny, misogynist piece of shit movie I have ever had the misfortune of watching. It frightens me that men love this movie. Boooo.

Rating: 0%

Cold Stone ice cream-flavored Jelly Belly beans

As a self-proclaimed devotee of both Cold Stone (expensive ice cream with stuff mashed into it) and Jelly Belly beans (expensive beans that taste like caramel apples, Dr. Pepper, and popcorn -- popcorn! Hate it or love it.), I was excited to try these beans. Unfortunately there's only five flavors offered, so your favorite Cold Stone concoction might not be representin'. I've decided to give everyone awards, like on the last day of 6th grade P.E. so no one would feel left out:
Tastes most like a chocolate popsicle: Chocolate Devotion
Tastes most like a recognizable ice cream flavor: Our Strawberry Blonde
Tastes most like each alleged individual ingredient: Birthday Cake Remix
Tastes most like a chemical: Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip
Most delicious and creepily authentic: Apple Pie a la Cold Stone (I guess if you're including your sponsor company's name in the bean, you'd better make it good)

RATING: 69%

Cuts

A cut is when you accidentally or on purpose chop open yourself and you bleed and have pain. Some wackos/high school kids enjoy attent- I mean, cutting themselves, but me, I think that shits for the birds. Getting cut hurts, whether you do it on a switchblade or can of cat food. The worst part is when you bite open your lip or cheek, cutting your mouth, and then you want to eat some salsa or wings. No dice motherfucker!

RATING: 22%

War by U2

This is a great album from a band that eventually deteriorated into a joke. There's a lot of anti-war songs on this album, obviously, but it doesn't feel didactic - it actually feels driven by emotional need. Also, the drums are fucking pumped up, and it's a good album to run to.

RATING: 70%

Batman: A Death In The Family

There's no other comic book event as contrived as the 1980s Batman storyline "A Death In The Family," in which the second Robin, Jason Todd, was beaten and blown up to death by the Joker. The idea was you could call a 900 number and vote for whether you wanted the little brat to live or die, and bad news buddy! People voted for him to die and he did. The good part about this storyline is when Joker then becomes Iranian ambassador to the UN, so Batman essentially is powerless to stop him since he has diplomatic immunity. Ooops, spoilers!

RATING: 57%

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Journey (Live in Concert)

Do you like awesome? Because if you do, you already like Journey. In fact, Journey is so awesome, that they're all like "Hey, we have to replace Steve Perry...let's get a four-foot Filipino kid who runs around the stage like a crazy person." and THEY MAKE IT WORK.

In summation, this was a truly, truly great show. They did tend to play too many new songs (what happened to Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'?), and also didn't play a keyboard on a wall, but that's slightly forgivable, since they're trying to plug a new album. They played all the Journey hits, and therefore, made an already great concert legendary.

RATING: 97% (Gold medal at ROCK'LYMPICS 2008)

(image courtesy of BestWeekEver.tv)

Heart (Live in Concert)

You know what is much more awesome than I would've expected? Heart, live and in concert. Nancy Wilson is a truly, truly awesome guitarist, and let me tell you this: OLD LADIES CANNOT STOP ROCKING TO HEART. I swear to God, it was like me at a Superdrag concert, multiplied by FIVE TRILLION. They played all the Heart songs you'd expect, and both the 20-something guys and the 50-something moms all had a good time.

RATING: 85% (Silver medal at ROCK'LYMPICS 2008)

(image courtesy of my girlfriend's blog!)

Cheap Trick (Live in Concert)

So yeah, we showed up late to the greatest concert ever, and damned if that doesn't mean we were late to see Cheap Trick. But not too late to hear some true classics, like Surrender (during which the guitarist threw a KISS record into the crowd), The Flame (awe-some), and the big finish, Dream Police...which is weird. I wouldn't have picked that as a finisher, but hey, I don't TOTALLY RULE AND PLAY A FIVE-GUITAR COMBO GUITAR FROM HELL, AS WELL AS A GUITAR THAT LOOKS LIKE MYSELF.

So yeah, it was basically as awesome as Live at the Budokan, only, y'know, Massachusetts-ier. And way older.

RATING: 81% (Bronze medal in ROCK'LYMPICS 2008)

(image courtesy of some imageshack thing)

Dallas Yard Sales


No, I don't want to buy your used blankets, your nasty hairbrush with a pound of hair still stuck to it, or any of the 9 different paper shredders inexplicably lined up on your suburbanite lawn. And my wife doesn't want your wife's skanky 80's clothes either, although she'll make me wait in the goddamn car for 20 minutes while she looks at them all.

RATING: 18%, only because 8 different yards yielded a clothes iron and a bookshelf today.

(Image from www.st-timothy.net. St. Timothy was apparently the patron saint of trying to sell the all the ridiculous crap in your basement instead of sending it to the dump where it belongs.)

Friday, August 22, 2008

Meteorologists

First of all, I'm pretty sure after watching the weather at least twice a week for over 20 years I'm qualified to forecast the weather. Weather forecasts are weird anyway, but that's another review altogether. Meteorologists apparently go to school where they mostly learn how to lie, state the blatantly obvious and pretend like they know what Mother Nature plans to do. But usually Mother Nature (that lady, always the smartass) says screw you pal/gal and decides there isn't going to be a thunderstorm after all. Then, we all yell at the weatherperson because they were wrong...again. And the cycle repeats itself.

RATING: 15%

Grand Theft Auto IV

Grand Theft Auto is a video game series where you steal cars and murder babies with your bare hands. Well, the second part isn't true, but the way it gets demonized you'd think it was. Anyway, I just finished the "fourth" one in the series (really, there are like eight or something, but this one is called "four"), and it was pretty amazing. A lot of people are calling it the best game ever, and while I agree it's up there I do not think it is better than Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas or Megaman 2. The difference between this game and the other GTAs is that the story and characters in this game are much more realistic, so I found myself actually caring about Niko, the main character, in a way I never did about any of the previous protagonists. A lot of depressing stuff happens to Niko, and maybe it's kind of a spoiler but I was a little depressed with how the story turned out for him. On the bright side you get to do a lot of jumps and the graphics and gameplay and everything about this game is astonishing.

RATING: 95%

Pineapple Express

I don't know what to say about this movie. I mean, I guess it was funny, but aren't all weed movies basically the same? Like a big long tough journey for the stoner main characters while the audience laughs knowingly because they too smoke/have smoked the ganja before, and by laughing at the movie they show they are rebellion against the establishment, man. Oh well, James Franco is funny the end.

RATING: 59%

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Charles Barkley's Butt

Charles Barkley will have his colonoscopy televised. He's the new posterass for cancer prevention, or something. I wonder if they'll find anything interesting in there, such as a Boney M. cd or perhaps Janet Jackson.

I'll have to see it before I make a judgment call on this one. And yes, I'm gonna TIVO THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF IT. Barkley's autobiography is titled, "I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It," which means that I can never use that catchphrase without being compared to him.

Rating: Foul%

The Devil's Rejects

This is a sequel I guess to House Of 1000 Corpses by Rob Zombie, which I never saw because everybody said it sucked. Well, maybe I should check it out because everybody said this movie was great and it turns out they were wrong. Maybe it's just because you're following this group of mass murderers around, and it's tough to side with them, or maybe it's because this movie is a convoluted mess that never really knows what it wants to be. The one interesting part (spoilers) is when the cop who's been tracking this trio catches them and tortures them for like five minutes, and you feel kind of bad for them, because it's the torturer being tortured? Get it? . Oh well, at least it's shot real pretty like.

RATING: 41%

Having Black Hair

Having black hair is pretty rad unless you're in third grade and your teacher tells you you can't have black hair because only Eskimos and black people have black hair. Well, technically it's all just dark brown, third grade teacher, and I also want to point out that saying "Eskimo" in Canada like that is a serious no-no. Having black hair makes doing MSPaint drawings of oneself really easy, and also some people don't automatically hate you because of your hair like if you had red hair or blond hair. It sucks in the summer though when the sun beats down on it, but whatever, yin, yang, etc.

RATING: 83%

Orbit's Sangria Fresca Gum

As a casual fan of Orbit's Mint Mojito gum, I thought it would be nice to try another gum that's flavored like alcohol. Sangria Fresca doesn't have the twinge of hard liquor taste that Mint Mojito does, but the first chew is like being hit in the mouth with a sack of sweet fruit. The flavor goes away quickly, though, but I'd buy it again just for those first few chews. And then the gum turns a sad, faded purple color -- the exact color of your spit after you drink way too much sangria! Brilliant, Orbit. Brilliant.

RATING: 57%

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Winning 1st Place

So I guess winning 1st place is pretty nice after all. Some things are easy to win (like a spelling bee against a baby) and others are really difficult (like trivia at the Harp). I think 1st place is better than 2nd because "they" (by that I mean the No Fear! t-shirts) say 2nd is just the first loser, and it's better than 3rd because that's like saying "nice try, but better luck next time...loser". Imagine you're that Serbian swimmer who almost beat Michael Phelps, but not really. No one even remembers that guy now. Like I said I'm not a fan of gold, but when gold looks green and it's worth $220 USD then you don't really give a damn what it's made out of.

RATING: 99%

PS - I'd like to add that it's important to be a good sport, but obviously some of us have real "intellectual" egos.

Monday, August 18, 2008

X-Men: Mutant Genesis

If you bought comics in the year 1991, then you definitely bought the first issue of this story. It was X-Men #1, and we were all sure it was going to be worth a hundred thousand dollars one day. Well, turns out Marvel knew this and made five variant covers and produced enough copies of this issue to ensure that it would never again even be worth cover price. In conclusion the 90s were the worst decade in comics. Oh, wait, I should review this story. The first four issues are really good, actually, dealing with Magneto and his desire to be left alone/make a haven for mutants in space on an asteroid. Unfortunately that's over Russia, and international trouble ensues. The second story in this trade paperback sucks so don't bother reading that.

RATING: 56%

Kala by M.I.A.

Sorry to be a bone kill, everybody, but I just listened to this album and I wanted to tell you all what's up. A few months ago I downloaded like five tracks from Loose by Nelly Furtado, and while I thought they were all very fun tracks, I still felt a little embarrassed to have bought them and liked them. Maybe it was the lyrics, or maybe it was because I only could find five tracks from the album that I liked, who knows. Anyway, a long time ago I heard this song that sampled my favorite Clash song, "Straight To Hell," in the preview for Pineapple Express and really liked it, but I forgot about it until just yesterday when I saw that movie, so I did some research and it turns out it was on this album Kala by British artist M.I.A. Well, it's great and also it deals a lot with social strife and freedom fighters and other deep sort of things, but additionally every song has an awesome beat unlike that Nelly Furtado album in which only five songs have awesome beats, so in conclusion I like this album and so should you.

RATING: 76%

The Bonesmen

It takes a lot to be a member of the Skull & Bones society at Yale. You've got to have smarts like President Bush or a history of being a winner like John Kerry. If any of those apply to you then you too could join America's elite. And if you're one of the 15 lucky chosen each year then you're probably set for life, because if you're not already going to be making billions the rest of your friends will. It really pisses people off that the Bones have an oath of silence. Personally I don't care because most of their members are doing a lot of good in the world...like spreading democracy. Okay, I'll give them extra points for President Taft.

RATING: 80%

Boney M.


I had heard the mad vocal stylings of Boney M. growing up, from their catchy "Rasputin" to the intelligent dance track "Ma Baker." I had no idea who they actually were until Glenn lovingly made me a mix cd that included one of my now favorite party songs, "Painter Man." So simple, so good.

Boney M. are silly. Very, very silly. Silly in the way only a disco band assembled from Caribbean singers by a German producer can be. And boy-howdy, if that ain't the most misogynist album cover since "Smell the Glove"! Still, what a pleasure.

Rating: dated kitsch unstuck in time%

Boner

Before Steve Urkel and before Kimmy Gibbler, there was Boner. Boner played the necessarily witless sidekick to already none-too-bright Mike Seaver on Growing Pains*. See that flashy sports jacket? Boner was the quintessential Italian American stereotype -- a regular little Buttafuco (the show did take place on Long Island, after all). How does a lucky young actor score such a succulent role on a wildly popular sitcom? Perhaps it helps to be the son of a Star Trek actor, even if that actor is Walter Koenig.

*try Google Image searching "growing pains" and "boner" and see how much fun you can have.

RATING: 27%

Sunday, August 17, 2008

"Bones" by The Killers


So everybody loooooved the first Killers album (the rockin' Hot Fuss), but general consensus seems to be that the second album (Sam's Town) lay on the fail continuum somewhere between fail and moderate fail.

I've been told I have pretty poor taste in music, but really enjoyed Sam's Town - the track "Bones", however, was a middle-of-the-road song that deserved a video less than "This River Is Wild". Actually, this was probably my fifth or sixth favorite song on the CD, but for whatever reason, Tim Burton directed his first ever music video for this song, probably just because he could find a way to involve some skeletons.

In closing, hooray for theme day/week/whatever.

RATING: 52% (which means that it's better than Bones, but worse than Bones)

(image courtesy of wikipedia, where no one cares if you link back to it)

T-Bone

T-Bone can be a really awesome nickname or a really great piece of steak. Personally I'd like a T-bone steak right now with it's delicious piece of tenderloin on one side and strip loin on the other. But maybe you like a Porterhouse more because it's like a T-bone but with more meat from the tenderloin (and more steak in general). T-bones are best grilled or broiled and I like them because it's like getting a 2-for-1.

RATING: 74%

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

This is the kind of book that makes young white women in MFA programs wistful: it's nicely written, it sold well and was critically accclaimed, it was released in mass-market form to be snapped up by fools in airports across the country. They're even making a movie out of it with Mark Wahlberg and that little girl who cried "Celia!" in those Atonement commercials. Though the premise of the story may seem a bit gimmicky (dead girl watches aftermath of her death on her family from Heaven), it is a smart gimmick. The circumstances of her death are pretty brutal and keep the book from straying into Hallmark-movie-of-the-week territory. My pet peeve is when writers, in an effort to sound literary, spend 18 pages describing a knitted potholder hanging in grandma's kitchen; this book doesn't do that, and is a pretty fast read with plenty of emotion and action to keep the ADHD crowd happy, but without the completely predictable plotline and cringe-worthy phrases of most books that make it to mass market. I may have cringed a little, but I also cried.

RATING: 64%

Creepin On Ah Come Up by Bone Thugs-n-Harmony

This is a pretty good rap album as far as EPs go. I like Bone Thugs because they rap really fast and also sound kind of weird and way different, because they sort of try to sing sometimes but aren't very good at it, but that ends up being better than if they were good at singing. Anyway, this album was immortalized in film history when the track "Down Foe My Thang" was used in the seminal classic "Weed Time With George And Carlos." Also "No Surrender" is good.

RATING: 66%

Boners

Embarrassing when they happen in public, unless you're in a place that is conducive to (semi)public erections, such as a swingers' bar or bath house. Often, once you have one, you want to get rid of it, but more often, you want to keep it for awhile until it has fulfilled its mission. No one wants to say or hear, "This has never happened before..." I've heard that some women don't like when men have boners, and this makes me sad.

Some men will even pay for drugs that will enable them to have a boner. A boner that lasts way too long and is painful is known as "Priapism," after the Roman god of boners.

Ratings:
for straight men: 95%
for gay men: 1000%
for straight women: 80%
for lesbians: I don't think that's very funny %

Bones

Bones is a FOX drama about this chick named Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan. Well, personally I think Law & Order or CSI is a lot better than this show, but they try to be different by adding some humor every now and then. In conclusion I don't know anything about this show, so feel free to add anything you'd like if you know or care about the show because I don't.

RATING: 25%

Bones

On the original Star Trek you had the trinity of Kirk, Spock, and Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy. Kirk was all emotion, Spock was all logic, and Bones, as the Enterprise's chief medical officer, was somewhere in between. He was also a gigantic racist. Every single episode he's calling Spock "you pointy-eared" this or "you green-blooded" that. I'm pretty sure in present day times Spock probably could have filed a complaint with HR and Bones would have at least had to go through some sensitivity training.

RATING: 76%

Bones

Bones are an important kind of thing that we all have under our skin, muscles, veins, etc. Without bones we would probably just flop around and die because we wouldn't be able to move to get a sandwich and also our vital organs would be totally vulnerable to attack by outside forces such as birds and monsters. Skeletons are what scientists call people who are made just of bones, and the one advantage skeletons have over you and me is that they look awesome, but one disadvantage they have is that they are dead. In closing I would just like to say stop the hate because one day we will all be skeletons and look awesome unless we're getting cremated.

RATING: 89%