Lindsay Lohan as a Lesbian

Happy Pride, Austin! I just wanted to take this day to say I think that Lindsay Lohan as a lesbian is a great idea. Not because women won't use you for your looks or your money (they will, Lindsay! they will!), but because Lindsay fans like myself (who by now have mostly retreated into the dark closet of shame we thought we had been liberated from after Mean Girls) will finally have a viable reason to explain why we retained our affection for the 'ittle starlet even through the dark, dark times: she was struggling with her sexuality. In a hetero-normative world, realizing you're not straight is all too often accompanied by drinking binges, bad decisions, and cartons of Marlboro Reds. And in an industry where everyone is gay but no one is allowed to admit it, things could get even more complicated. So if the only reason I have to stick by the cutest redhead to ever play twins is that she's a lebsian (or pansexual, if you will), like OK magazine, I will take that story and run with it. Love is love is love, Linds!

RATING: 74%

Mean Girls

I have to admit that this movie was better than I thought it would be, although I wish that it was a lot more vicious to the titular mean girls rather than trying to make everybody feel happy in the end. Anyway, the plot is Lindsay Lohan signs up to do a movie, but unknown to her it will be the high point of her career. Just kidding, but everybody knows the plot to this movie. Good to see Tim Meadows getting steady work.

RATING: 66%