Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - "The Forsaken"

A spacy computer program comes through the wormhole and meanwhile Lwaxana Troi sets her sights (her horny sights) on Odo.

RATING: 60%

Star Trek: The Next Generation - "Manhunt"

Lwaxana Troi is back and hornier than ever so Picard hides from her in his detective videogame.

RATING: 55%

Cat People

This past Saturday the Kalamazoo Alamo Draft House had a four horror movie marathon, which sounds great on paper but by hour eight sounded less great. Anyway, the gem of the night was Paul Schrader's Cat People, a movie I would never have guessed was a horror movie by the cover. It's about a couple of were-cats who turn into panthers after having sex with non-were-cats and can't turn back into people until they kill somebody. You know, typical were-cat fare. It's really well directed, and great performances from all the cast and you also (SPOILER) get to see Ed Begley Jr.'s arm ripped off. The other movies were Night of the Creeps, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Humanoids from the Deep in case you were wondering.

RATING: 78%

These new sweatpants I just bought from jcrew

The chances of me wearing anything other than sweatpants when I am sitting around my apt just went from aboout 15-20% to 0%. I want a full body suit made of whatever heavenly material these suckers are made of.

Rating: a very comfortable 89%

Kirsten Gillibrand's Senate Homepage Photo

Kirsten Gillibrand became a senator for NY when our more popular senator got a more exciting job. I donated monies to her and now, every day or so (but usually every day, or six times a day) Kirsten writes me a special email asking me to sign a petition or to fight for my right, etc. On her homepage is this picture. And can I just say that this picture makes me feel that Ms. Gillibrand has got the bipartisan thing down PAT. Here, Kirsten positions herself at the crux of the great state of New York. To the left, a charged, exciting city filled with buildings and people and gays and culture and things happening. To her left, a vast landscape of mountains and leaves and drunk SUNY students and farmer Republicans. What one person can possibly hold us all together? When Kirsten Gillibrand grows up, I imagine she will look like a hotter Kay Bailey Hutchison. God Bless Kirsten Gillibrand! God Bless the United States of America, and God Bless New York!

RATING: 71%

The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus

Kit Marlowe was the Brian Wilson of Elizabethan drama. Doctor Faustus features scads of demons, pyrotechnics, a painstakingly detailed cosmology, a would-be pope crossing continents on flying horseback, Helen of Troy rising from the grave, and plenty of gore and erudite ambition, but I couldn't find a single captivating, sexy or sympathetic character in the entire play. Unless, of course, you count Marlowe himself: Cambridge graduate, dramaturgist, poet, member of the School of Night, secret agent, tavern brawler, sodomite, and rabid tobacco enthusiast.

Ah, dead shepherd, they don't make 'em like they used to.

RATING: Better than I'll ever be, but still no Shakespeare%

(Image from www.history.neu.edu.)

My Black Boyfriend

I really want to tell you about my boyfriend! And not just because he's black (which he is). Actually, he never told me he was black, but the people he works for have been telling him he's black for years. His boss at Kroger wanted to put him on the Management Track because he was such a smart young black man. At his new job he's black too, which is kind of a relief because I'd gotten used to his being black and if I found out he wasn't, I would have to reassess the whole relationship. Having a black boyfriend has taught me so much about other peoples' cultures' histories. I think I understand my boyfriend's blackness very well because I am a woman, and once upon a time in history, neither one of us would have been able to vote. Well, he would have been allowed to vote like 55 years before me, so I'd say females are just a little bit more oppressed (not that it's a contest or anything!). And now the president is black, and the almost-president was a woman, so look at how far we've come, Abraham Lincoln.

Rating: blackandwhitecookie%

Sperms

Sperms are what we call male reproductive cells. They're shaped like tadpoles so they can whip their way over, around or through any obstacle to make you feel nauseous for at least three months. If you're lucky, sperms come from breaking a futon in your in-laws' basement while you half-watch Clint Eastwood threaten minority youngsters with guns. Sperms can make your tummy grow and grow, and help you retain water for 9 months until you feel the most excruciating pain and then meet the coolest person you feel like you've met already. In terms of accomplishing fertilization, some people's sperms are pretty damn good for not even trying.

RATING: 92%--I've only been pregnant twice in 6 years.

(Image from www.adrants.com.)

IUD

An IUD, or intra-uterine device, is a little T-shaped object that goes in your hoo-hoo in order to make things more complicated when you get pregnant anyway. It's a must-have for women who want to have a baby but also enjoy uterine irritation and extra trips to the hospital.

RATING: Cute but useless%


(Image from http://www.mydochub.com.)

The Brothers Bloom

I wanted to like The Brothers Bloom, I really did. I have a big crush on Adrien Brody (did you know he's banned from SNL?), enjoy comedy, and generally want independent movies to be great. While this "globe-trotting comedy about the last great adventure of the world's greatest con men" was better than most mainstream movies I've seen this year (but not sexy sexy Star Trek, of course), it was also extremely predictable and felt pretty ripped off from other movies. For example, a scene where Brody wins the heart of the quirky Garden State-equse female love interest by getting hit by her car was straight out of Back to the Future (full disclosure, my date is the one who noticed this). All in all, it played out like a bad Wes Anderson wanna be (not helped by the fact that it has one of the stars of The Darjeeling Limited on a travel adventure). Yeah, sorry, as cute as this was, this shit was played harder than your dad played your mom last night.

Rating: 60%

My weekend in Key West

That picture of a completely devastated surf and turf that was paid for by my brother in law pretty much sums up how awesome my weekend was. Also, I rode a mechanical bull and stayed on for all eight seconds. Huz-zah.

Rating: 97%

that Star Trek movie that's all over everywhere

Am I just drunk or have we not reviewed this yet? What's up with that, Glenn (who is way more qualified to review this than I am)? So I never really was a fan of the Kirk Star Trek (Next Gen fans represent!), but maybe I would have been if it was as fun and action packed as this movie (and if they'd had the budget of this sucker, rather than $20 and a six pack). I dunno, I'm just two steps above laywoman when it comes to Trekker knowledge, but I really enjoyed this biz. Also, that guy who plays Syler on Heroes is pretty hot even with Spock ears.

Rating: 86%