Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

A group of terribly horny* young people get lost in a snowstorm and wind up taking shelter in an abandoned asylum, only to find out that the asylum wasn't as abandoned as it appeared to be. It was, in fact, home to a trio of inbred cannibals. The kind of inbred cannibals who don't appreciate unwanted house guests. Wrong Turn 4 seems to revel in the brutality of its kills a bit more than previous entries in the series. The bad CGI in the movie is a bit more noticeable this time around as well. The movie opens with an origin story for the cannibals, which also sets up the rest of the plot, but I'm honestly not that invested in the cannibals as actual characters. So the fact that this was a prequel to the other films in the series seemed a bit unnecessary to me.

Rating: 59% 

(Image from Wikipedia)

*"terribly horny" in that they are simultaneously terrible people who are particularly horny

The People Under the Stairs

With a sick mother and a looming eviction, young Fool (real name Poindexter) agrees to go on a B&E job. The target: Fool's wealthy landlords. But, from the very beginning, something just seems off about the landlord's home. Like, why are all the windows locked from the outside? And things only get stranger after he gets inside the house. Soon enough, it's an all-out fight for survival. Will Fool make it out or will he become another one of the people under the stairs? Wes Craven's The People Under the Stairs was a video store staple going back to the early nineties. For casual movie fans, it was probably Craven's most recognizable film outside of the slasher genre. And, while I think it holds up pretty well, I feel like it has some serious structural problems. The movie kind of peaks at the end of the second act. There's also a bit of a reset at the beginning of the third act, which kills a lot of the movie's momentum. That said, it's still an enjoyable film. 

Rating: 68%

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The Hills Have Eyes Part II

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the desert... Eight years after the Carter family were terrorized by a group of savage cannibals, Bobby Carter's motorcycle team set out to test their new super fuel at a race in the... dun dun duuun... desert. After failing to account for daylight saving time, the group take an ill-advised shortcut, which leads them straight into cannibal country. After their bus breaks down, the team are attacked by Pluto, who somehow survived having his throat ripped out in the first film, and the Reaper, Pluto's uncle. The Hills Have Eyes Part II is pretty bad. The dialogue is bad, the characters are bad, the pacing is bad and the movie's runtime is padded out with flashbacks to the first film. The most egregious of which is when the dog, Beast, has a flashback to his previous showdown with Pluto. It's hardly surprising that Wes Craven has disowned the film. 

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Hills Have Eyes

On their way to California, the Carters take a detour to check out an old mine that had been gifted to them. After getting lost in the desert, their car breaks down, leaving them stranded. Soon after, a group of cannibals begin to prey on the family. The Hills Have Eyes is 70s horror in the tradition of films like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, it's tense, brutal and unrelenting. The cast is very good and notably includes a few genre all-stars like Dee Wallace and Michael Berryman. I think it's safe to say that a lot of cannibal horror movies that came later took some inspiration from The Hills Have Eyes. I'm looking at you Wrong Turn. 

Rating: 75%

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Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

A prison transfer gone wrong leaves a cop and some convicts stranded deep in the heart of cannibal country. The practical special effects in Wrong Turn 3 are decent but definitely not as good as the ones seen in the franchise's first two installments. Bad CGI is more prevalent in this entry, which is a disappointment. The acting is fine and, thankfully, none of the characters are particularly annoying this time around.

Rating: 60%

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Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

The cast and crew of a survivalist reality show are set upon by a clan of inbred cannibals. I'll begin by saying that the special effects in Wrong Turn 2: Dead End are well done. Most of the movie takes place during daytime and we get to see a lot of the deformed cannibal killers. The movie's script might not be anything spectacular but there are at least a couple of twists and turns that I didn't see coming. The acting, however, is hit or miss. The final girl does a great job. Henry Rollins delivers exactly the type of performance you would expect of him. And beloved Canadian character actor Wayne Robson has a fun little part as "Old Timer." The rest of the supporting cast's work is a little spotty. Most notably, the "comic relief" character Jonesy who never stops spewing lazy jokes and desperately horny come-ons.

Rating: 61%

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Black Christmas (2006)

2006's Black Christmas takes the premise of the original 1974 film, amps up the violence, expands the backstory and fails to create much in the way of suspense. It ends up being a fairly standard post-Scream slasher from the early 2000s. It's clear that the filmmakers had a lot of affection for the original film but, for whatever reason, the end result is somewhat unnecessary. The killer's backstory is gratuitous in a number of ways and might be the worst part of the movie. But, it's not all bad. The performances are all well done, some of the twists work, some of the kills are cool, and it was nice to see Andrea Martin in the film.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wrong Turn

Wrong Turn is a cannibalistic backwoods horror flick, in the grand tradition of movies like The Hills Have Eyes and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. A car accident on an unpaved mountain road leaves a group of college students stranded deep in the woods of West Virginia. They're hunted and killed by a trio of profoundly inbred mountain men. What the movie lacks in originality, it makes up in tight pacing and potent performances. The practical effects are well done, thanks to Stan Winston Studios, and there is minimal CGI. It's from 2003 so, you guessed it, it has a nu metal soundtrack. Wrong Turn was followed by several sequels and at least two reboots.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Raw

A vegetarian freshman gets majorly hazed at one of those super prestigious veterinary schools you're always hearing about, and after she is forced to eat a pickled rabbit kidney she basically goes hog wild for meat of the human variety.

RATING: 89%

We Are What We Are

A mean father makes his daughters eat humans after their mother died because human stew was their mom's favorite meal. I like the idea of hillbilly cannibals but the movie is just too serious - for any horror movie to be successful you need a variety of tones, and this one is just sad and dark.

RATING: 44%

Cannibal Holocaust

Structurally this movie, notorious for its excessive gore, depravity, etc, is interesting, since it's one of the first round footage horror flicks, but I dunno, it's pretty tough to watch a sea turtle actually get killed and mutilated on camera. Anyway the plot is some jerky white filmmakers basically rape and murder a bunch of indigenous people in South America and eventually some fight back and they all get killed, and there's a frame story of a professor finding the footage and watching it. I felt terrible the whole time I was watching the movie, so success?

RATING: 43%

Hannibal

I don't exactly consider The Silence of the Lambs to be a horror movie, but I thought I remembered this movie being a weirder goth fest. Well, the last thirty minutes or so are terrific, with some man eating pigs and man eating mans, but the rest of the movie is excruciating. Is it worse than, like, Scarecrow Night or whatever? Not technically, but with all the talent behind this one it shoulda been at least moderately watchable.

RATING: 27%

Blood Diner

I had trouble explaining what The Brood was all about, but I'm at a loss as to how I can properly explain Blood Diner. The long and the short of it is that it's about a pair of brothers who are trying to resurrect a Lumerian goddess and they go about it by killing people and collecting their body parts. The parts they don't use get served to the customers in their "vegetarian" restaurant. This is all at the behest of their serial killer uncle, who's little more than a brain and a pair of eyes in a jar. This is a movie that truly has to be seen to be believed because a plot synopsis can, in no way, accurately portray how bizarre this movie is. There's a nude aerobics class, wrestling Nazis, ventriloquist dummies, random violence, and much, much more. A true menagerie of WTF moments. If you can find a copy of Blood Diner, I highly recommend it.

Rating: Why isn't this on DVD%

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The Road

The Road is a 2006 novel by Cormac McCarthy. It's the story of a father and son on an arduous journey in a post-apocalyptic future America. Also, it's chock full of cannibalism. You may have heard of it because it was selected to be part of Oprah's Book Club a few years ago (Yay? Boo?). While I don't keep up with Oprah's Book Club selections, I have to assume this one was a bit out of the norm for her club. Even though I recommend the book, it should be noted that McCarthy's minimal punctuation style may frustrate some readers.

Rating: 87%

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