Sudden Death

Stanley Cup Finals, Game 7. Penguins vs Blackhawks. The energy inside the arena is electric. Security is extra tight because the Vice President is in attendance. What the Secret Service doesn't know, however, is that terrorists have rigged the arena with plastic explosives. Thankfully, there's a man inside the building with all the necessary goal keeping and ass kicking skills to save the day: a fire marshal named Darren. It's basically Die Hard at a hockey game. JCVD stars as Darren the fire marshal, who picks the absolute worst day to take his kids to work, and Powers Boothe plays the leader of the terrorists. Sudden Death is a fun, straightforward action movie. Easily one of the better JVCD movies out there. What the movie lacks in originality, it make up for in scenes where JCVD fights a terrorist in a mascot costume. 

Rating: 66%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Hockey

The Canadian adored sport has the low scoring of futbol, the concussionivity of football and all the white people you could ever want. Hard to keep with the puck sometimes. No dunks.

Rating: 40%

The Houston Aeros' Aero Dynamics

I can't imagine what it must be like to be a dancer for a minor league hockey team. Even dancers for pro sports don't get paid - it's all volunteer work, in addition to the chance to "meet" the stars of the team. Well, there are no real stars of the Houston Aeros, because anybody good gets called up to the Minnesota Wild, so basically if you're an Aero Dynamic all you get is to awkwardly dance to a bad mix of nu metal, Better Than Ezra, and 90s dance music while keeping a smile on your face, in some hope that you can relive the glory of your high school cheerleading days or a Hollywood producer somehow in the audience will see you and you'll make it big. Sorry, ya dumb broads, this is as good as it's going to get. Also, I guess it's your job whenever a section wins free pizza coupons for cheering the loudest to ignore the Arab dude on the end and not give him his fucking coupon even when he's looking right at you.

RATING: 32%

Dallas Stars Fans

I think the point of going to a hockey game is to watch your team play, not necessarily to watch them win (especially when they're playing the San Jose Sharks, who are the top rated team in the league right now.) When 25% of the fans leave before the 3rd period even starts, and 50% with 12+ minutes left in the game, you have to wonder why a city bothers having a hockey team at all, except, perhaps, as one more feather in its moneyed 10 gallon hat. Sportsmanship is an ethos that extends to the spectators of a sport, especially when there are children watching. These Dallas Stars "fans" should be ashamed of themselves.

RATING: 50%--the 50% who stayed until the game was finished.

(Image from ultimate-photos.com.)

The New Hockey Night In Canada Theme

If there's one thing you should know about Canadians, it's that we're cheap bastards when it comes to sports. We couldn't keep the Nordiques. We couldn't keep Gretzky. We can't afford the Montreal Grand Prix. Worst of all, CBC, despite being the greatest television network in the world, couldn't even cough up the money to hang onto the famous Hockey Night in Canada theme that they've been using since 1968. Fortunately, the new theme is pretty awesome too--we Nova Scotians are suckers for bagpipes. I hear in the version broadcast in Ontario, you can hear a cash register go ching-ching right when everyone throws their arms up and shouts, "Hey!" (In the Alberta version, there aren't even any hockey players, just a bunch of coked up rig pigs beating a prostitute.)

RATING: 79%, which is a B+ where I'm from.

(Image from www.hockesportswagers.com.)

Patrick Roy

As a kid I liked the Avalance and the Blackhawks. I don't know why, but probably because their teams were good on NHL 'XX. Anyway, I especially liked Patrick Roy of the Avalance, and that's probably because his last name is pronounced "Waugh" (if you don't live in Houston or know his name already that didn't help at all). Once Roy allowed like a ton of goals against Detroit when he played for Montreal. I felt really bad for him because he's actually totally awesome. I feel stupid because I asked Glenn if Roy is still playing for the Avalanche, but he retired in 2003. In conclusion, all Canadians (Glenn and John) should strive to be as badass as Roy.

RATING: 81%

2007-2008 Ottawa Senators

These guys are not going to luck their way into the Stanley Cup Finals this year hate to break it to you. I mean, they still do well somehow, but they're hit and mostly miss. It's my favorite team and everything I guess, but let's be realistic, ok?

RATING: 72%