Saw 3D

A better title for this movie would be "Saw VII," but they wanted to cash in on the 3D craze of the late oughties (which totally doesn't already look dated four years later). Hey, filmmakers, if your part 3 isn't going to be in 3D then ya missed the boat! This movie is, of course, terrible, but there are two good things going for it: 1) a torture device scene that happens in broad daylight in front of hundreds of witnesses, which gives the film a different palate than the normal "warehouse green" it seems to love, and B) a kinda unique plot in which a nonfiction author rose to fame by faking that he was a survivor of Jigsaw and now Jigsaw catches him and puts him through some traps or whatever. Now that I'm done with these movies I don't think I can recommend them to anybody per se, but I'm sure academics will write/have already written papers on the trend of 2000s horror focusing extreme pain, suffering, etc, when America as a country was committing acts of torture so publicly. Finally, look at the poster there - a gigantic robot Jigsaw killer would have been so much better than anything that happens in this movie but oh well!

RATING: 41%

JD Salinger

“I hope to hell that when I do die somebody has the sense to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetary. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.”

So long, JD Salinger. You pretty much kicked ass.





Rating: 90%

Literary Journals

You got your poem about blue jays published in the Iowa Review? You're famous! Congratulations, John Keats!

RATING: 0%

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Free Verse

What, you want me to use iambs and rhymes and shit? This is poetry, man, it's not supposed to be work. Here's a description of a bird I once saw getting eaten by a smaller bird instead. Also, I don't even like using line breaks so now it's a prose poem.

RATING: Whatever-I-Feel-Like-All-The-Time%

Poetry

Poetry is a good sort of concept I guess. It's like stories or thoughts for people who have short attention spans like me. Too bad most poetry is boring. It's all "I'm sad" this or "look at this art that isn't here" that or "words words words" etc. They should have a kind of poetry with more boobs and explosions and that would solve a lot of problems I think.

RATING: 31%

Romeo And Juliet by William Shakespeare

This play is actually pretty funny until Mercutio gets killed (spoilers). Then it devolves into whining and dying. So I guess it's kind of enjoyable but then falls apart 3 or 4 acts in. Still, Shakespeare.

RATING: 71%