Papers

Papers are a fucking pain in the ass to research and write, and the hilarious thing is that no one else ever believes they're real work:

ANTHONY: You look like shit. What have you been doing for the past 4 weeks?

YOU: Oh my God, it's been a nightmare! First I had to read about some imaginary characters and dead people, then I had to read some books and articles about them, then I had to sit in a comfy chair with a cup of coffee and peck at a keyboard for 10 days straight.

ANTHONY: I dig ditches with my shirt off for 12 hours a day, and before that I was in jail. Also, me and Sheila put a new deck on the house.

You put in all that time and energy and then who wants to read 70 pages of scholarly gobbledygook? Not you. Not your friends. Not your mom. Certainly not your professors. It's pretty much exactly like masturbating into the toilet except not fun.

RATING: 18%

(Image from www.californiawinehikes.com.)

Other People's Messes

Copy editing for money is good, because you get money, but it's also bad, because if your customer knows a copy editor is going to clean up her mess, she'll leave a whole bunch of mangled citations and misspelled words with the expectation that the copy editor will fix them. I used to wash dishes in this shitty restaurant, and it was kind of the same deal--cooks would drop salmon fillets and pork chops on the floor and just kind of kick them under the counter because they knew some minimum wage-making sucka (i.e. me) would end up getting down on his hands and knees and picking them up. Eventually, a stack of pans fell on my head and cut my dishwater-soaked hand open and I bled all over the floor so I quit, but not before I had to walk by the lineup of people waiting to get into the Rockin' Rodeo like 50 times in a dirty kitchen apron carrying a bunch of gross, leaking garbage bags. Hey, ladies.

RATING: Digital janitor%

(Image from cache.gawker.com.)

Words

Words are a sort of thing I like to use to try to communicate my ideas or feelings. Like I might have an idea that I want a sandwich, so I would go to the drive thru and use the words "Can I have a turkey sandwich," to which the drive thru worker might respond with the words "Where the fuck can you get a turkey sandwich at a drive thru?" A lot of poetry these days is about the failure of language, but hold on there, dudes and dudettes, if you hate language so much why don't you go back to caveman world and build a fire using your bare hands and kill a pterodactyl for dinner or some such shit. But I guess if I am in a place that I don't know the language the words might fail in their own special way. I also like curse words like fuck, shit, twat, cooter, dang dong, what the bitch, and Penelope.

RATING: 89%

My Overuse Of Words

I wish I could kick my habit of the following words in all these reviews:

Anyway

Well

I guess

Something

Well, I'm not going to, but it can't hurt to wish.

RATING: 21%