Kids in the Hall: Death Comes to Town

I've always maintained that the critics who panned Brain Candy and The Wrong Guy were probably Americans whose idea of a really hilarious movie is one in which a guy gets hit in the groin twice, and who are even now bragging about how one time they were on the same flight as Dane Cook. Just because no one from SNL has made a decent movie in twenty years doesn't mean sketch comedians can't be funny in longer, narrative-based projects. Be that as it may, Death Comes to Town is a dull, sad affair, with weak characters, flat dialogue, and very few laughs. When you're as old, chubby and tired-looking as Dave Foley, you really can't pull off playing multiple characters on the same show, especially one as weakly written as this. If Death Comes to Town were my dog, I'd have put it to sleep long before Episode 8.

RATING: 20%

(Image from www.thecoast.ca.)

Sons of Anarchy

If the writers could write and the actors could act, this might actually be a good show. They can't, and it isn't. The young, pretty actors have two acting styles—coy and stupidly perplexed—and the old, homely ones are character actors with no character: there's the rape guy, the needs-an-oxygen-mask-to-breathe guy, the Scottish guy, etc. It's basically The Sopranos-lite with white bikers, and once in a while a Wonder Years voiceover trots out a bunch of lame, pretentious hippy clichés. On a positive note, Ron "Sex Baboon" Perlman makes me gay for ugly.

RATING: 48%

(Image from editorial.sidereel.com.)

The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack

If an act of plagiaristic sodomy between Captain Caveman and a heavily irradiated Spongebob Squarepants resulted in the conception of a misshapen idiot child, it couldn't possibly be half as retarded as this show is. One's time would probably be better misspent on one of those ridiculous funnybooks Glenn's always reading.

RATING: 13%

(Image from www.flapjackfan.com.)

Dawson's Creek

Dawson's Creek was a television drama about teenagers in a small town in Taxachusetts who are all like 30 and married to Tom Cruise now. My fave episode was probably the one where two characters separate themselves from the crowd at a football game, clambake, prom, or Hallowe'en party to have a heart-to-heart talk about their feelings for opposite or same sex characters who are also having a different heart-to-heart talk about their feelings for them. And also the one where the guy in the rabbit suit gets shot in the eye.

RATING: One Tree HIll%

(Image from images1.fanpop.com.)

Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee

Semi-Homemade is a terrible show on the Food Network where the WASP-iest woman you've ever seen "combines 70% ready-made products with 30% fresh" to make mediocre 70% processed food dishes that I wouldn't let anywhere near my damn kitchen. Recipe highlights include "Mascarpone and Grape Puff Pastry Bites" (includes bacos!), "Tea Sandwiches" (Seriously? Tea Sandwiches?), and Spicy Bat Wings and Bat Chips with Goblin Dip (received a whopping ONE star from reviewers on her website). The only props I will give this show is that Lee includes a cocktail recipe in each episode, but I do have to take those props back because she also includes a "tablescape" design in each episode. Lame!

Rating: 2%