A Cup o' Tea an' a Slice o' Cake

A few years after he finished his run as The Third Doctor, Jon Pertwee played a scarecrow in the popular children's series Worzel Gummidge. Since I had just finished watching Pertwee's stint on Doctor Who earlier this year, I thought it would be fitting to watch the Worzel Gummidge Christmas Special "A Cup o' Tea an' a Slice o' Cake." And now, having just watched it, I can tell you that it is almost incomprehensibly British. Also, the scarecrows in the special look and move like zombies, which is a little unsettling. In the special, as far as I can tell, Worzel sets out to ask Aunt Sally to accompany him to the Scarecrow's Ball. He winds up getting into some skirmishes with the various people and scarecrows he meets along the way. I might have gotten more out of it had I watched it with subtitles and a British person who could provide some cultural context.

Rating: Mince Pie%

(Image from Amazon)

Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean

If you didn't experience it first hand, it might be difficult to explain the whole Mr. Bean phenomenon of the early 90s. "Well, he's this British guy and he doesn't really talk much. And he's always getting into these awkward situations. And, well, that's about it really. But it's really funny. Trust me." Watching it today, it's almost a mixture of Charlie Chaplin and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, but in a good way. I can honestly remember watching "Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean" for the first time over twenty years ago and laughing my ass off during the Nativity scene sequence. And, even though I knew it was coming, I laughed pretty hard at that sequence again on this most recent rewatch. Also, it's worth remembering that before Friends or any other sitcoms stole it, the whole turkey on the head thing started here.

Rating: Socks%

(Image from Pinterest)

The Girl With All The Gifts

A young girl born a zombie helps lead a platoon of soldiers and mean scientists across Zombie England, one of those constant locations for horror flicks these days. Anyway, I don't like fast zombies but the kid angle of the whole thing is pretty well done.

RATING: 70%

The Time Meddler

When we first met the Doctor and his granddaughter we learned that they were fugitive aliens with a malfunctioning time machine. By the time we got to The Time Meddler, the last serial in the show’s second season, we really hadn’t learned anything else about who the Doctor was or where he came from. We had learned a thing or two about what the Doctor was capable of and what made him tick, but there still wasn’t anything terribly concrete about his back story. And even though The Time Meddler introduced another time traveler, with his own TARDIS, we never learned where exactly he and the Doctor were from or what kind alien they were specifically. What we did get, though, was a great serial. The Time Meddler combined a historical setting with science fiction themes, to great effect. It also gave us our first real chance to see the latest companion, Steven Taylor, in action. Steven comfortably filled the Ian shaped hole in the show's cast, confounding the Doctor (and occasionally Vicki) with his questions while also being young and spry enough to throw down when fisticuffs were in order. At the end of serial, we don’t know where the Doctor and his companions were off to next, but thanks to The Time Meddler the show had greatly expanded their options.

Rating: I'm not a mountain goat%

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

(In a fakey British accent) Oh bother, there appears to be a double agent in our midst. I do suppose I'll be required to have some long, slow, quiet conversations with all the suspected parties then. This is a sticky wicket. It's a jolly good thing that it's the early seventies and I can drink and smoke copious amounts of cigarettes during my investigation. Pip pip, think of the Queen and all that.

Rating: 70%

(Image from incontention.com)

Slaughter High

The best thing about Slaughter High is the poster art, while the movie itself is actually pretty boring and lame. Back in the day, it was pretty common for genre film makers to try to cover up just how shitty their movies were by releasing kickass promotional art. Before the internet, a really cool poster or VHS cover went a long way in persuading people to see shitty movies. While I'm sure Slaughter High has a cult following, I'm willing to bet that most people who've seen the movie were lured in by the promise of sweater wearing skeletons with exploding apples. What they got, however, was a bland prank-gone-awry/revenge slasher made by a bunch of Brits doing terrible American accents.

Rating: Bait & Switch%

(Image from retroslashers.net)

An American Werewolf In London

#22 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

I thought I ran out of horror movies on my top 100 movie list (WHICH I SWEAR I'LL FINISH), but hey, here's the best werewolf movie ever made. I really miss the days when talented, non-genre directors like John Landis would take a shot at making a horror movie. I guess the Grindhouse double feature kind of counts, but those dudes weren't even trying to make something good. Anyway, the plot is an American college kid gets turned into a werewolf, except he's in London. Co-starring lots of shots of the main dude's wang.

RATING: 93%

Malcolm McLaren

If it weren't for his association with the Sex Pistols, I'd probably never have heard of Malcolm McLaren (1946-2010). Even now I don't really know that much about Mr. McLaren, other than what I've seen in various documentaries about the Sex Pistols and punk music in general. None of which was particularly flattering. John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) never had anything nice to say about the guy, then again he's never really had anything nice to say about anybody anyway.

Rating: SEX%

(Image from sowhysosad.wordpress.com)

We Started Nothing by The Ting Tings

i'm a fourteen year old girl now, lol boys

RATING: 41%

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #17: Thank God It's Christmas

So there used to be this band called Queen and back in 1984 they put out a single called "Thank God It's Christmas." I guess they called themselves Queen because they were British, but that's still kinda weird when you think about it, because there were only guys in the band. You would think that they'd have called themselves King or something, oh well. They had some hits, I guess, and then their lead singer died in '91. Which is a real shame, because as far as I can tell, he never got a chance to meet a nice lady, settle down and get married.

Rating: Mince pie%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Magna Carta

Once upon a time there was a such thing as kings and queens, and I guess there still is. But in merry old England some richos decided that it would probably be a good idea if kings and queens had to follow laws and shit, so they busted out a case of Keystone Light and drafted the hell out of the Magna Carta. This flimsy piece of paper also guaranteed certain inalienable rights for the citizens of England, so it turns out the Founding Fathers of America were just a bunch of plagiarizing assholes. Anyway, that doesn't matter because all the best countries don't even have kings, like Canada, USA, Afghanistan, Rwanda, East Timor, etc.

RATING: 83%

R3 Classic's: Grammar

Them shits is stupid. First I dont like all sort of rulings everywhere saying Do This and Do That Too second I think we all think about words and such and then forget about the real things, Jesus, troops, Gods America. Look here dudos this isn't froofy froof england or something and who do I look like Shakespeare. Finally why can't we see, that spending so much time on words and there order are tearing us apart. Their is a fine balance, two on whether or not were being to critical or if they're is good in all this talky talk. So in conclusion grammar has it's fine points but I for one hate it and think its stupid.


RATING, 43%

(Originally published by Glenn, Friday, August 8, 2008)

Crank: High Voltage

I never even expected that this would be the kind of movie I'd see in the first place, much less that I'd think of it as the best movie of 2009 (so far). This is a sequel that picks up I guess after Chev Chelios falls 2000 feet from a helicopter to his death at the end of Crank 1, except then he is brought back withan artificial heart and has to electrocute himself every five minutes or so to stay alive while he chases down his own heart, which has been stolen by Chinese gangsters. Jason Statham certainly brings a lot of charm to this ridiculous affair, and the movie plays like a cross between a music video, a fever dream, and a sketch comedy show. There's something to be said about American culture within this convoluted mess of a movie that somehow, despite the hundred disparate directions it's pulling itself, ends up as the perfect brainless film, but I wouldn't know what it was.

RATING: 80%

Common Curtsy

Sometimes you're a girl and you just meet somebody or do something amazing in which case don't bow, you uneducated proletariat! Gently nod your head forward, bend your knees slightly, and hold your dress up so it doesn't get dust/horse shit on it (if it's the second one you probably didn't do something amazing). This is known as the curtsy, in case you couldn't tell by context clues, and it is different than a courtesy because of letters or some such shit, who am I, Noam Chomsky? Men can sometimes do curtsies and that is either known as the ULTIMATE IN HIGH-BROW COMEDY or some gay crap. In closing I would just like to say that America has really gone down the drain ever since women started having abortions and wearing pants.

RATING: 64%

GLP's Westminster

Certain tobaccos impart distinct flavours to their respective blends. Virginia is toasty, grassy or lemony; burley is nutty and often sprayed with fruity essences; "oriental" or "turkish" tobaccos vary considerably, but often taste floral, citrous, or leathery; perique is piquant, and tastes like stewed fruit, salsa and chrome; latakia--the most distinctive "condiment" tobacco of all--smells like road tar, burning camel shit and funeral incense, and tastes like it smells, except saltier.

Westminster is a full-bodied English blend comprised of virginias, orientals and Cyprian latakia. Compared to the rarer Syrian latakia, which has a smoky transparency and a hint of overripe pomegranate, the Cyprian leaf has a darker, almost opaque quality and a slight mustiness. I think I prefer the Cyprian, although the fullness of either can be off-putting. The virginias taste like toast. The orientals taste like a petting zoo full of goats and llamas. It smokes very cool, and the flavour is consistent throughout the bowl, although I usually end up tossing the last 1/4 (bad for the pipe, I know, but it tastes like wet ass). Overall, Westminster has more balls and nicotine than Esoterica Tobacciana's Penzance, another notorious Cyprian heavy hitter. If it's cased (i.e. flavoured) at all, I can't tell.

Some people (English people, I imagine) can smoke an English blend all day long. I like one once in a while, on a cloudy, chilly day when I'm feeling nostalgic and/or a little sad. Don't ever smoke Westminster indoors with other people around unless you like making lifelong enemies. In fact, you probably shouldn't even smoke it while you're on the phone.

RATING: a bittersweet 80%--Don't smoke latakia, kids, unless you really want to smell death.

(Image from smokingpipes.com. Also, that petting zoo is in Houston *cough cough*.)

The Black Adder

It's easy to say that Rowan Atkinson is a comic genius, but that's because he is. Sure, sure, Mr. Bean was way too popular, but who else even tries to do silent physical comedy these days? But before all that, he created and starred in a series called The Black Adder for the BBC. The first series focused on the character Edmund, played by Atkinson, who is second in line to become king of England at the end of the 15th century. He is an unlikeable, self centered, conniving twat, and the show is hilarious. I guess I like Red Dwarf better, but that's just because there's space and robots (bias).

RATING: 82%

Grammar

Them shits is stupid. First I dont like all sort of rulings everywhere saying Do This and Do That Too second I think we all think about words and such and then forget about the real things, Jesus, troops, Gods America. Look here dudos this isn't froofy froof england or something and who do I look like Shakespeare. Finally why can't we see, that spending so much time on words and there order are tearing us apart. Their is a fine balance, two on whether or not were being to critical or if they're is good in all this talky talk. So in conclusion grammar has it's fine points but I for one hate it and think its stupid.


RATING, 43%

The Championships, Wimbledon 2008

I used to like playing tennis a lot even though I was really awful, but I was always good at watching it and I knew a fair amount of the players. This year I decided to sit through as much of Wimbledon as I could, but I only got to watch the singles finals. I'm glad Venus beat Serena (and they later won the women's doubles so Serena could stop crying). I hope Federer beats Nadal. So far it's been an incredibly crazy match and honestly Nadal has outplayed Federer, so I won't be really upset if Nadal wins (who am I kidding I don't really care either way). Anyway, I like Wimbledon since it's the only Grand Slam played on grass and there's a lot of weird English stuff going on like eating strawberries and cream as a snack. I think that's pretty bad ass though.

RATING: 81%