The ABC's of Death

Ok, well, why not take the horror anthology to the extreme? This movie of 26 short films made by directors from around the world, each one (as you can probably guess) taking a letter of the alphabet and figuring out how somebody can die with that letter is a good example of why not to do that thing I asked in the first sentence. There are only three that are any good - A, Q, and R - which is not a terrific percentage IMO, IMHO even. Stick around to the end if you want to see a giant severed penis ejaculating rice as a symbol for Western nuclear imposition on Japan I guess.

RATING: 20%

Poltergeist III: Oh God Just Kill Me

Ok guys I guess I was wrong about Poltergeist II being so shitty because this is the shit of the shit. The plot is Carol Anne lives with her aunt and uncle in a fancy new apartment building but the ghosts come back, oh no! There's a psychologist who claims the little girl is hypnotizing everybody, and lots of mirrors, and a really awful non-Jerry Goldsmith synthesizer score. It all adds up to awful, so you gotta feel extra bad that the little girl died during production. Whelp, the world's cruel and empty, and if you want to experience a little bit of that cruelty just watch this and see what kind of feelings you have.

RATING: 6%

Heaven

Here's how I'll know if I got into Heaven or not after I die. When I get up to the pearly gates or whatever, I'll ask, "Hey, quick question before I get in there. Did George Carlin make the cut?" If they say something to the effect of, "Of course he did. He's doing a set right now. You're really going to love his new material." Then I'll know I'm in Heaven. If I find out that somehow I made the list and ol' GC didn't, well then I'll know that I'm in Hell.

Rating: Sacrilicious%

(Image from educationcs.wordpress.com)

JD Salinger

“I hope to hell that when I do die somebody has the sense to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetary. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.”

So long, JD Salinger. You pretty much kicked ass.





Rating: 90%

Death

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #9

There's nothing scarier than death. Nobody really knows what happens to our consciousness when we die, and all of human civilization has been built around groups of people who claim to hold that answer. Every fear has roots in death, and everybody will die, from the famous to the obscure, sinners to saints, barbershop quartets to professional fluffers. One good thing about death is that without it, human progress would stagnate, because what motivation would anybody have to create knowing that the self is its own eternal legacy? Well, I guess that's a pretty good thing, actually.

RATING: 100%

Calacas

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #5

Calacas are little skeleton figurines dressed to party that are associated with El Dia De Los Muertos. The Day Of The Dead is like Mexican Halloween, except it lasts two days and culminates in a picnic on the graves of loved ones. Skeletons are my second favorite generic monster, so of course I think these figures are hella sweet. In Mexican culture, the dead are (supposed to be) celebrated, not grieved, so these figurines are usually doing fun stuff like smoking, drinking, carrying a baby, or cooking a fucking pig's head. Also, I guess if the skeleton on the left is a woman then she is totally flashing her skeletitties.

RATING: 72%

A Month of Boring Things - Day Nine: The Articles of Confederation

Not in my house you don't!












Rating: I'mrunningoutofsteam%


Also, Michael Jackson just died.

Massachusetts Drivers

I don't know for a FACT that Massachusetts drivers are the worst drivers in the world, but they've gotta be in the top five. I know what you're thinking...you're thinking "I live in Manhattan/St. Petersburg/Rome/Venezuela, and I think OUR drivers are the worst!" Two quick things: (#1) You are incredibly wrong and (#2) Most other places have an excuse.

In the greater Boston area, judging from my personal experience, no one knows where they are going, at any time, ever. Add this to an already eclectic cocktail of drunks, old people that can't see over the steering wheel, people who have mastered the "Rhode Island Shuffle", 18-year-old douchebags, and cab drivers hopped up on amphetamines, and you've got the absolute worst driving experience ever.

I'm sure you're asking yourself why I gave Mass Drivers anything over a 0%...well, all I can say is that sometimes its nice to live in a place where I am considered a good driver.

RATING: 5% (This means that it is worse than just about everything, and better than virtually nothing.)

(image courtesy of nicaliving.com)