MaXXXine

Well, the lone survivor from X has made it in Hollywood! As a porn star anyway. But hey why not try and break into the mainstream, that’s what the lady who killed all her friends wanted. It’s flashy and fun but nowhere near as good as Pearl.

RATING: 71%

Halloween

In this sequel to 1978's Halloween (but *not* the nine sequels or remakes since), Michael Myers busts out of prison to continue his reign of terror, but luckily his sister - oops, no, that was retconned out - his survivor Laurie Strode is ready for him with a house full of booby traps. It's a really well done flick by David Gordon Green, though since Michael Myers has only one movie's worth of kills under his belt it's a little odd to see people so terrified of him. True, he turns out to be a relentless killer, but at first he's just some sixty-something dude who's been in jail for forty years, so what's the big deal?

RATING: 84%

Saw III

Hey, here's a good jumping on point to the series in case you missed Saws I and II, since about 45% of this movie is composed of flashbacks explaining things we never wanted explained from the first two movies! For instance (SPOILERS), did you ever wonder which mirror Jigsaw used to put the fake blood on him or why the two victims didn't see his body breathe the whole movie long for Saw I? No? Too bad! The plot of this movie is Jigsaw is dying but luckily his co-Jigsaw kidnapped a surgeon to do brain surgery and meanwhile a sad dad has to compete in a series of evil events to get over his son who was killed less than one year ago, the big crybaby (?). You got a freezer situation, a drowning via rotten pig guts situation, and a neck bomb situation a la Total Recall. I can already tell this series is just going to get more and more incomprehensible as we go on, but, hey, clarity is for suckers.

RATING: 45%

(I shouldn't have been rating the Resident Evil movies so high the whole time)