2000

2000 used to be a futuristic sounding number, but now if somebody was born in the year 2000 they're old enough to be a misogynistic gamer-gate troll on some internet forum. If somebody gave me $2000 I would like it but to be fair if somebody gave me $2 I would also like that, or, really, I would appreciate any gift because it's the thought that counts. If you have a blog it might take you 10 months to write your first 1000 posts but then it would probably take you another six years to write your next thousand, but at least 800 people a month are still accidentally stumbling across your hodge-podge of time-wasting reviews (shoulda monetized back in 07, rats!).

RATING: Glenn, Loco, Nick, Laurie, Bryan, Internet John, Viking Andrew, Loren, Evan, Robyn, Ryan, Quammy %

The Golden Child

Eddie Murphy was on a roll in the '80s, putting out hit after hit.  The Golden Child may have made some money (79 million bucks) but it was a boring, meandering bomb.

Take all the Asian mysticism and kitchy stereotypes of Big Trouble in Little China and throw in a watered down Beverly Hills Cop script and you have an afternoon-waster on your hands.

Eddie Murphy never gets revved up joke-wise and there is complete lack of chemistry between him and Charlotte Lewis.

Rating: 13%

The Vanishing

Jeff Bridges' Barney Cousins is one of the creepier and compelling murderers ever filmed.

In the opening scene, he chloroforms himself to see how long it takes to wake up and then casually writes the result in his notebook.

Sandra Bullock, Kiefer Sutherland and Nancy Travis all do fine jobs; it's not their fault that Bridges rocks his role so hard.

Not exactly date night material, but excellent viewing.

Rating: 93%

Dead Rising

The idea sounds mighty appealing, a journalist trapped in a mall filled with zombies. I love the variety of tasks; save people, take pictures of the shit going down, uncover a mystery and whack the hell out of zombies with anything you can find. But I spent most of this game getting pissed off because of all the random psychopaths. Why am I getting shot at by some convicts or a shotgun-wielding redneck? Can't we all get along until the zombie attack is over? Having only one save space is annoying as all hell too. Rating: 68%

Wrestlemaniac

Some d-bags are driving around in Mexico looking for the perfect spot to shoot their porn movie. They decide on a ghost town that happens to be inhabited by a deranged former Mexican wrestler played rather stiffly by Rey Mysterio's dad. It's more gross than scary, but not gross enough to satisfy fans of that subgenre. The best thing about this movie is the hotness of Leyla Milani, but she is covered in blood too often for that to be too much of a factor.

Rating: 8%

Gallhammer

These Japanese chicks (cute in a creepy way) provide ass-kicking metal. Their lyrics are insane partly because of their poor English, partly because these ladies are whacked out.

Torture, we must play war. Our father gave us torments. Endless. I hope world dies.

Best enjoyed in small doses.

Rating: 79%

TerrorVision

Dad builds a sweet satellite for his family of carictatures. Little does he know that it becomes a receptor for alien garbage, namely a man-eating blob that may or many not be Meatball of ATHF fame's grandpa.

I don't know why people continue to think horror and comedy should be mixed, especially when the jokes are uber lame. TerrorVision looks like a B-52s music video mixed with something a beginner's acting class would produce two weeks in.

If you can make it through the painfully awful setup to the actual monster part, consider yourself a trooper.


Rating:2%

Monkey Shines

A monkey licks blood of a man's mouth, quadrapelic sex, a mother bathes her thirty year old son; you will find all this and more in the very creepy Monkey Shines.
This particular George A. Romero film is far less gory than his zombie fare, but as a whole, the movie experience is really moving.
Pretty impressive making a grown man scared of a capuchin monkey. Props to you, Mr. Romero.

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!

That is in fact the name of the show, not an endorsement. Every time I get comfortable watching this show, turning red-faced from laughter, immensely enjoying the surprise appearances by the likes of Paul Rudd, Patton Oswalt, Zach Galifinakis (gravy robbers!), Will Forte, etc, they twist the show in some horrifying direction and I’m half traumatized, half entertained.

John C. Reily's idiot doctor character is worth the price of admission.
Rating: 78%

Mutton Chops

Easy way to say “stay away ladies” without opening your mouth. Plus they can cover up hideous facial scars while housing tiny parasitic creatures.


Note: Lemmy and Wolverine are exempt from any anit-mutton chop snarkery.
Rating: 8%

Little Otik

A woman pretending a twig is her baby is how you say...creepy. The twig becoming alive, turning into a monster and eating the townsfolk adds up to excellent and enthralling creeptastic Czech cinema.

Rating:85%

Ryan’s All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #1 Fallout 3 (XBOX 360/PS3)

Starts with the absolute best training session in a game ever. Your first quest (as a baby in a fallout shelter) is to take your first steps. Soon enough you will be traversing an eerily serene and disturbing world post nuclear holocaust. The makers of Oblivion give you the same customization and freedom, but vastly improve the story, mood, combat, etc. A beautiful blend of a 50’s Cold War vibe, radioactive mutants and incentives to level up. Might possibly be the end of my marriage.

Rating: 99%

Ryan’s All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #2 Princess Tomato (NES)

Hilarious story and character interactions fuel this rare gem. Rather than shoot or punch your way through the vegetable villains, you must defeat them at rock, paper, scissors. The concept (talking veggies in a quasi-medieval setting) sounds like a trippy kids show, but it is a fantastic joyride of a game.

Rating: 98%

Ryan’s All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #3 Déjà Vu (NES)

A man wakes up in a bathroom stall, memory gone, fedora askew. He has to first solve the mystery of who he is and then solve the mystery he was solving before getting conked on the head. An astounding story trumps the abysmal graphics.

Rating: 97%

Ryan’s All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #4 Tetris (NES)

Sometimes the simplest things are the best things. Blocks falling from the sky needing to be put in order. Put on your favorite rap CD, cancel your appointments, the hours will vanish in a haze of entertainment.

Rating: 96%

Ryan’s All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #5. Madden (various)

Every annual incarnation is another step toward football perfection. Live your fantasy to be the Dolphins quarterback or the Bears GM in this highly addictive game. All the glorious fun of the NFL with almost no chance of suffering a concussion.

Rating: 95%

Ryan’s All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #6 Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (XBOX 360)

You have great freedom to roam around the beautifully crafted landscapes, to free elves from dream worlds, steal a ship from a ghost pirate, assassinate, sneak, cavort. Customize your character’s race, clothes, skills. Your inner D&D nerd has never been this giddy.

Rating: 94%

Ryan's All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #7 Rock Band

Karaoke!
With instruments!
The more fun your friends are
exponentially increases the fun of this game.

Rating: 93%

Ryan's All-time Top Ten Video Games #8 Silent Hill (Playstation)

This game is like stepping into a well-crafted eerie-fest of a horror movie. A mystery to solve, undead creatures to run away from, sounds like a sleepless night well spent. A lot like Resident Evil, but with a far more overwhelming atmosphere.

Rating: 92%

Ryan’s All-Time Top Ten Video Games: #9 Rampage

Fulfills your giant monster destroys the city fantasies. Not a touch of sophistication or precision here, just full-on joyous destruction.

Rating: 91%