Halloween (2007) - Director's Cut

The director's cut of Rob Zombie's Halloween doesn't differ all that much from the theatrical cut. Mostly, it's just a few additional lines of dialogue sprinkled in here and there. The two main differences between the cuts have to do with Michael's escape from Smith's Grove and the fate of Dr. Loomis. In the theatrical cut, Michael escapes from the sanitarium during a prison transfer gone wrong. In the director's cut, in a scene more or less stolen from Kill Bill Vol. 1, Michael escapes from Smith's Grove after some of the sanitarium's employees choose to do some very unsavory things in Michael's room. As for Loomis, the theatrical cut implies that Michael kills Loomis in the Myers' House. While the director's cut includes a scene that makes it clear that Dr. Loomis survives the attack. Even though some of the additional material in the director's cut helps flesh out the characters and the story, I personally think the theatrical cut is the superior version of the film.

 
Rating: 58%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Halloween (2007)

The first 35 minutes of Rob Zombie's Halloween offers up an extended origin story for Michael Myers and the killings that led to his incarceration. It paints a very grim picture of a young boy in a terrible living situation that quickly escalates from killing small animals to multiple homicide. Given the soundtrack, clothing and cars showcased during this sequence, you could reasonably assume that it takes place in the late 70s, but no, apparently it takes place in 1990. What? Anyway, eventually the movie skips ahead to the present, which at the time was 2007, and we get to see a version of the Halloween story we're much more familiar with. Now, Rob Zombie's Halloween has its detractors. And they have some valid arguments. Be it the over-the-top dialogue, ridiculous needle drop moments, gaps in logic and continuity and whatnot and so forth. But, it's not all bad. To give the man some credit, Rob Zombie did manage to cram the cast full of genre movie veterans. From big names like Brad Dourif and Malcolm McDowell all the way down to left field picks like Micky Dolenz and Leslie Easterbrook. So, it's got that going for it.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

A group of high school students are stalked by a mysterious figure in their dreams. The line between the real world and the dream world begins to blur as their nightmares get more intense and they begin to die off in unexplainable ways. Is it a case of mass hysteria or is there something from their past that has come back to haunt them? It's not surprising that they decided to remake A Nightmare on Elm Street, it's just a shame that they did such a poor job of it. All of the remake's nods to the original movie are very surface level and Freddy doesn't seem to have much of a power set. He can transport himself anywhere in the dream world but he never turns into anything or does anything particularly interesting. The movie opens with all of the main characters in a diner but there's no attempt to establish them on an individual basis. Yes, part of the plot is an investigation into their shared history but it's hard to care about characters that aren't properly introduced or fleshed out. Ultimately, the remake's biggest problem has to be its interpretation of Freddy Krueger. The new makeup design smoothes out Freddy's face, making it impossible to show any expression. And it's only made worse by Jackie Earle Haley's montone line delivery. Much like Freddy's new face, the whole movie ends up being flat and boring.

Rating: 58%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Black Christmas (2019)

I knew very little about 2019's Black Christmas before I watched it but I had a sinking feeling that I wasn't going to enjoy it once I saw that it was rated PG-13. I was right. My problems with the film have little to do with its feminist leanings though. That's all well and good. I just found all of the characters to be unlikable. The kills were bloodless and tame. Cary Elwes's character's accent was laughable. Also, spoiler alert, the supernatural element was dumb. But, perhaps worst of all, Andrea Martin does not appear in the film. Can you call it Black Christmas if Andrea Martin isn't there? I think not.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Black Christmas Yearbook

1974 - 2006

The Last American Virgin

The Last American Virgin is simultaneously a raunchy sex comedy and a tender coming of age story about friendship and unrequited love. The film is also jam packed with new wave hits by Blondie, The Cars, Devo, The Police, Journey, Oingo Boingo, and U2, among others. The soundtrack seems to have been a major marketing tool, as many of the bands featured in the movie were also listed on the poster. The Last American Virgin is a remake of the popular Israeli film Lemon Popsicle. Both films were written and directed by Boaz Davidson and were produced by Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan, the go-go boys behind Cannon Films. What makes The Last American Virgin stand apart from similar films is its ending. I won't spoil it here, but I will tell you that it's a surprisingly poignant gut punch of an ending. 

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Lawrence Monoson played Ted, the vintage porn enthusiast, in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and Diane Franklin played Monique, the French foreign exchange student, in Better Off Dead.

Black Christmas (2006)

2006's Black Christmas takes the premise of the original 1974 film, amps up the violence, expands the backstory and fails to create much in the way of suspense. It ends up being a fairly standard post-Scream slasher from the early 2000s. It's clear that the filmmakers had a lot of affection for the original film but, for whatever reason, the end result is somewhat unnecessary. The killer's backstory is gratuitous in a number of ways and might be the worst part of the movie. But, it's not all bad. The performances are all well done, some of the twists work, some of the kills are cool, and it was nice to see Andrea Martin in the film.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Silent Night

Someday we'll look back on the era of horror movies from the early 2000s and 2010s and we'll have name for it. Like Film Noir, we'll find some snappy label for the look and tropes of the genre. Silent Night will definitely be a part of that yet-to-be-named genre. It's got all the hallmarks: shaky handheld camera work, a desaturated color palette, CGI blood, a nu metal soundtrack, and it gets bonus points for being a remake. It's not, however, a straightforward remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night, even though it takes a few things directly from the original. Silent Night is a movie about small town cops trying to stop a sadistic serial killer in a Santa suit. It's kind of like if Rob Zombie remade Fargo. It's competently made and there are at least 3 recognizable/credible actors in it. Most notably it features Malcolm McDowell playing the Sheriff of a small Wisconsin town for some reason. It's technically better than any of the other Silent Night, Deadly Night films, but I would sooner go back to watch a crazy piece of shit like The Toy Maker than the lukewarm bore that is Silent Night.

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five

Psycho

I can understand why people give Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho so much shit. It's not quite as bad as I was led to believe but it is a little frustrating to watch. The remake uses the same script as the original, almost word for word. And it's a little jarring hearing modern actors trying to deliver forty year old dialogue. It's very unnatural. Except for William H. Macy's performance, he knocks that shit out of the park. Also, late 90s cars and clothing have not aged as gracefully as those of the early 60s. And no one ever needed to hear the sound of Norman Bates masturbating.

Rating: Let me get my Walkman%

(Image from IMDB)

Evil Dead

Usually I'm opposed to remakes of horror classics but ya know Evil Dead 2 was already basically a remake of Evil Dead 1, so why not do it again? Five friends go to a cabin in the middle of the woods to help one detox from heroin or cocaine or some kinda white powder never explained. Things are all well and good until one of them reads aloud some ancient Sumerian from a book made of human flesh, as one does, and demons start possessing everyone. It's pretty gruesome though kinda by the numbers until the last half hour, which is phenomenal. It does do a weird thing though where it feels like it has to explain the image from the original Evil Dead poster? Like why?

RATING: 80%

Children of the Corn (2009)

While this made for TV remake hits a lot of the same beats as the original film, there are a few stark contrasts between the two movies. Right off the bat: the married couple who stumble upon Gatlin and the killer kid cult therein. The couple in the original are a loving pair. We get to know them, get to like them and then we're afraid for them when they stumble into danger. The couple in the remake flat out hate each other, there is no reason that they should be travelling together at all. They do nothing but fight and scream at each other. Secondly: Isaac, the leader of the children's cult. In the original, Isaac was played by a character actor with a growth hormone deficiency. John Franklin, the actor, was in his mid twenties but had child like features which allowed him to be a particularly creepy presence. The remake cast an eight year child actor who sounds as though he learned his lines phonetically. The kid has zero presence or gravitas. They have him in short pants for fuck's sake. In the end though I will give the remake credit for having several on screen child kills.

Rating: 46%

Fun Fact: Kandyse McClure, who played Vicky, was also in the TV remake of Carrie.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Piranha 3D

I've mostly been avoiding the recent resurgence of 3D movies, so I have no idea if Piranha 3D is indicative of the overall experience and/or enhancement that the 3D gimmick is supposed to offer. I personally haven't been to a 3D movie since I saw Captain EO at Epcot in the late '80s and all I really recall from that flick are the puppety type creatures singing and dancing alongside Michael Jackson. What I can tell you about Piranha 3D is that it has more blood and nudity in it than I have seen from a mainstream, theatrically released horror film since the Friday the 13th remake. And as far as horror remakes go, Piranha 3D manages to be one of the better ones made in the last few years, on par with the Dawn of the Dead remake from 2004. I recommend checking the movie out if the title or trailer piqued your interest at all, but don't feel like you need to see it in 3D, nothing will be lost when the movie hits DVD.

Rating: 78%

(Image from impawards.com)

The Karate Kid Remake

It's pointless these days to get upset about remakes of films from my childhood. As much as I enjoyed the original Karate Kid, it was only a matter of time before it got updated for today's youth market. But here's what I don't get: the movie is set in China and the kid learns kung fu from Jackie Chan. So, why isn't it called Kung Fu Kid? I'll tell you why. Apparently, in the remake, the Chinese antagonist to Will Smith Jr. calls him "the karate kid" mockingly because of his poor martial arts skills. And with that said, I've probably already devoted more time and consideration to this than anyone involved in the marketing campaign for the Karate Kid.

Rating: Sweep the leg Johnny%

(Image from wikipedia)

The Wolfman

Essentially a remake of the 1941 classic, The Wolfman stars Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt and Hugo Weaving. While this movie was far from perfect, they did well in not trying to update the story with a modern day setting. The Wolfman got an R rating for violence, which I believe is a first for a Universal Monster movie, but even though I'm a fan of violence in horror movies, I thought that some of the gore in this movie bordered on absurdity. Also, a lot of the CGI effects were pretty craptacular. All in all, it's not bad but it's not great either. It should hold you over until the Creature from the Black Lagoon remake comes out.

Rating: 67%

(Image from iwatchstuff.com)

My Bloody Valentine 3D

My Bloody Valentine 3D is a crappy 3D remake of the 1981 slasher film My Bloody Valentine. When shown in theatres, My Bloody Valentine 3D used stereoscopic projection technology to acheive its 3D effects. When viewed on DVD, the film is shown in a crappy red and blue anaglyph format that won't really work on your TV. No big loss though, unless you're really into swinging pick axes.

Rating: 58%

(Image from chud.com)