Saw IV

So this movie starts with the autopsy of Jigsaw (oops, spoilers), during which they take out the killers brain, missing a glorious opportunity to either a) place it in a robot body, or b) eat it to gain Jigsaw's powers a la Jason Goes to Hell. Missed opportunities is what this franchise is all about! Again, like the last movie, we get a ton of irritating flashbacks, including the, gasp, "twist" that the whole movie is a flashback and takes place during Saw III! Why, you may ask? Who cares! No really creative deathtraps here and also we learn that Jigsaw is Jigsaw because his unborn baby got killed accidentally by a junkie. Hasn't anybody in movieland heard of therapy???

RATING: 42%

Mutton Chops

Easy way to say “stay away ladies” without opening your mouth. Plus they can cover up hideous facial scars while housing tiny parasitic creatures.


Note: Lemmy and Wolverine are exempt from any anit-mutton chop snarkery.
Rating: 8%

Men in ponytails

Women like their men to remind them of horses. And they enjoy sharing their scrunchies. Win, win.


Rating: 0.351%

Cutting One's Own Hair With A Pair Of Clippers One Bought For Thirty Bucks

With all the extra time and money that might save, you can probably take a photography course to learn how to frame a shot.

RATING: 78%

Needing A Haircut

Needing a haircut is a kind of thing everybody does once in a while even though it sucks. We basically have no choice in the matter unless we're bald, and that's not a choice, or if it is a choice that means that you had to cut your hair Colombo. Anyway, one main thing that sucks about needing a haircut is that you have to drive to some hair salon and then they charge you a lot and make you feel like you need to say a lot of useless chit chat. In sum, needing a haircut sucks.

RATING: 21%

Haircuts

I think haircuts are great. If you're like me you let your hair get too long because you're too lazy, but it's great because then people are like "Oh hey, you got a haircut?" And usually I just shake my head "no" because that was a rhetorical question, I think. They are also fun because you can totally change your whole look by cutting your hair, but remember, the haircut does not make the man. I tried to convince my parents to let me shave something cool into my hair a long time ago. Maybe I could have shaved a terradactyl onto my head. That would have been really cool. However once, on a dare, I cut my hair pretty short and that was a bad idea because I found out I've got an ugly head.

RATING: 84%

Having Black Hair

Having black hair is pretty rad unless you're in third grade and your teacher tells you you can't have black hair because only Eskimos and black people have black hair. Well, technically it's all just dark brown, third grade teacher, and I also want to point out that saying "Eskimo" in Canada like that is a serious no-no. Having black hair makes doing MSPaint drawings of oneself really easy, and also some people don't automatically hate you because of your hair like if you had red hair or blond hair. It sucks in the summer though when the sun beats down on it, but whatever, yin, yang, etc.

RATING: 83%