Hott Nuts

These are great, if you don't feel like eating hot nuts. I suppose the artificial flavoring does chew through the lining of your stomach, so at least something's getting fed!






Rating: 9%

Truck Nuts

If nuts are sexy, and trucks are sexy, then nuts on your truck should be super sexy, right? That kind of logic can't fail! Well, actually, yes it can, and that's why you have a 10th grade education and work at the dog food factory.

RATING: Patriarchy%


(Image from publicfrenemy.files.wordpress.com.)

Peanuts

Peanuts are a simple sort of legume that everybody likes except for people who can die as a result of being within several miles of one. Peanuts can be roasted, salted, boiled, candied, chocolate-covered, buttered, or salmonellied. I like them in the shell as a snack because breaking them open takes a little extra time which allows me to savor the idea of Peanut for a little longer. I also delude myself into thinking a peanut is a healthy snack because they are low in carbs. Too bad they are way high in fat (whoops).

RATING: 79%

Trying to Roast Almonds in the Goddamn Toaster Oven

It just doesn't work. At 5:00 they haven't even started to cook, and by 5:01 they're a charred, smoking mess. What kind of world do we live in, where a man can't get a handful of hot, delicious nuts whenever he feels like it? Someone should build some kind of nut-roasting appliance. I'll throw money at him or her.

RATING: Burnt nuts - 4%
Homoerotic double entendre - 5%

(Image from www.nutsonline.com. Yes, I'm immature.)