Amazon Women on the Moon

A loose compilation of sketches lampooning modern life and entertainment, Amazon Women on the Moon is one of those movies that “they just don’t make anymore.” Not so much because of the content, though some of it runs a little edgy and risqué, but mostly because they don’t really make theatrically released comedies anymore. And, similarly, sketch comedy films have been largely absent from theatres since their heyday in the late 70s. Amazon Women on the Moon incorporates contributions from five directors, including Joe Dante and John Landis. And, as the opening credits inform us, it features ‘lots of actors.’ Even though it’ll never be on the Mount Rushmore of 80s comedies, Amazon Women on the Moon still contains a few great gags.

Rating: 69%

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Meatballs Part II

There’s trouble at Camp Sasquatch when the camp across the lake, Camp Patton, threatens to revoke Camp Sasquatch’s access to the lake. What’s a Summer Camp without a lake? Going for a Hail Mary, Coach Giddy strikes a deal Colonel Hershy, whichever camp wins the Champ of the Lake boxing match at the end of the Summer wins the rights to the lake. After Camp Patton takes out Boomer, Camp Sasquatch’s boxing hopeful, it’s up to a juvenile delinquent counselor-in-training named Flash to save the day. Spoiler alert: he gets some help from a visiting alien named Meathead. Meatballs Part II is a goofy 80s comedy that wants to be edgy and raunchy at times but never crosses the PG line. The cast includes Richard Mulligan, Kim Richards, John Larroquette, Paul Reubens, Archie Hahn, Jason Hervey and Donald Gibb. Meatballs Part II is a dumb movie filled with tons of gags, many of which have not aged well, but it maintains an easygoing charm.

Rating: 61%

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Fun Fact: In one scene, some of the campers are seen watching director Ken Wiederhorn's 1977 Nazi zombie movie Shock Waves.

Above the Law

Nico Toscani is one of the toughest cops on Chicago’s vice squad and he’s aiming to put away Tony Salvano, one of the city’s most notorious drug dealers. But, when the feds get involved, Salvano walks and Nico is told to stay away. Refusing direct orders, Nico stays on the case and soon discovers that Salvano is mixed up in more than just drugs. With each new clue in the case leading back to Nico’s time in the CIA. Above the Law, Steven Seagal’s debut film, is a decent movie that is clearly working very hard to set up Seagal for success. The opening mixes details of Seagal’s own life into his character’s backstory, establishing Nico Toscani as a super badass with an unflinching moral compass. The film’s Chicago setting also adds some unique flair to the movie. Seagal is backed up by a decent supporting cast including Pam Grier, Sharon Stone, and Henry Silva, along with a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance from Michael Rooker. Steven Seagal and director Andrew Davis would team up again in 1992 for the far superior film Under Siege.

Rating: 62%

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Cloak & Dagger

Davey Osborne has a powerful imagination and everyone in his life (his father, his friends, the police) thinks he needs to grow up a little bit. So, when a real-life spy scenario falls in his lap, it’s not long before Davey realizes that he’s on his own. Cloak & Dagger is a Hitchcockian spy adventure for kids that has a dark tone that could only have come out of the 1980s. Henry Thomas stars as Davey and Dabney Coleman plays a dual role as both super spy Jack Flack and Davey’s struggling father. At times sweet, suspenseful and violent, Cloak & Dagger is a forgotten gem.

Rating: 72%

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Fun Fact: William Forsythe, who played Morris, would go out to star in films like Out for Justice, The Rock and The Devil’s Rejects.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

Some people will tell you that The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is one of the worst movies ever made. And, while it is bad, it’s not nearly as bad as people would have you believe. I don’t mean to suggest that it’s misunderstood or that it’s secretly a cult classic. I can’t really offer up any defense for the movie. But I get why they made it. Making a movie based on the then popular Garbage Pail Kids cards probably seemed like a good idea at the time. It’s just that pretty much every choice that they made after getting the rights to the cards was a bad choice. The plot is dumb. The human characters are fairly unpleasant. And the Garbage Pail Kids themselves, as seen in the movie, are unsettlingly gross. That might seem like a weird critique to make given that the Garbage Pail Kids cards are also gross. But the level of grossness that can be enjoyed coming out of a wax pack is a lot different than that of the uncanny monstrosities who spend ninety minutes constantly farting, wetting themselves and playing with their boogers on the big screen.

Rating: 50%

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Rambo III

Colonel Sam Trautman and the CIA track down John Rambo in Thailand, hoping to enlist him in a dangerous mission to supply rebel forces in Afghanistan fighting against the Russians. Initially, Rambo refuses to go. Other than competitive stick fighting for money, Rambo has mostly left violence behind. But after Trautman gets captured, Rambo goes to Afghanistan and joins up with the Mujahideen (yes, that Mujahideen) to fight the Russians and rescue Trautman. Rambo III is basically a rehashed version of Rambo: First Blood Part II. It feels very formulaic, it’s a little too quippy at times and, if you’ve read the summary above, you may have noticed that the movie’s politics have aged like milk left out in the desert sun. That said, the action set pieces are all well done and the movie moves at a decent pace. I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I might on this recent viewing and, spoiler alert for a future review, it’s definitely not the worst entry in the series.

Rating: 63%

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Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend

A paleontologist and her husband journey deep into the jungles of Central Africa looking for Mokele-mbembe, a strange creature that may or may not exist. What they find is a blast from the prehistoric past: a family of living dinosaurs. But, when an evil paleontologist learns of the discovery, it’s a mad dash to keep “Baby” safe and rescue the mother from the military. Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend is an adventure movie that borrows some elements from films like E.T., Dumbo and Raiders of the Lost Ark. While I definitely saw this movie as a kid, very little of it stuck with me. And, after seeing it again, I couldn’t imagine showing it to a young child today. I know it came out in the 80s, when traumatizing children through film was commonplace, but no kid should ever have to watch the scene where Baby cries over its father’s corpse, while vultures pick at his flesh. Also, there’s a scene where Sean Young and William Katt try to get in on in front of Baby. It’s weird.

Rating: 59%

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Lethal Weapon 2

There is very little time wasted in Lethal Weapon 2. The movie opens with a car chase, which morphs into a shootout before the bad guys are whisked away by a helicopter, leaving only a trunk load of Krugerrands behind. Before Riggs, Murtaugh and the squad (spoiler alert: don’t get too attached to the squad) can even figure out what’s going on, the bad guys, a bunch of South African smugglers hiding behind diplomatic credentials, break into Murtaugh’s home to warn him to back off. Hoping to keep them out of trouble, Riggs and Murtaugh are taken off the case and assigned to protect Leo Getz, a money launderer who’s set to testify against his former clients. And, wouldn’t you know it, those former clients just so happen to be the same South African smugglers who’ve been causing untold amounts of trouble for Riggs and Murtaugh. What follows is a series of shootouts, car chases, exploding toilets, exploding swimming pools, decapitations by surfboard and some seriously epic property damage. Lethal Weapon 2 is filled with memorable lines and set pieces. My only complaint about the film is that the bad guys aren’t quite as memorable as the bad guys from the first film. Joss Ackland is great as Arjen Rudd but there’s just no substitute for Gary Busey as Mr. Joshua.

Rating: 82%

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The Great Land of Small

aka C'est pas parce qu'on est petit qu'on peut pas être grand!

Fritz, a mystical being from the Great Land of Small, travels to the human realm with a bag of magic gold dust to test the intentions of men. Are they capable of goodness or will they use the gold dust to amass power? After losing his bag of gold dust to a cold-hearted hunter, Fritz teams up with Jenny and David, two young children who want nothing more than to help Fritz get his gold dust back and return home to the Great Land of Small. Something like a mashup of E.T. and The Neverending Story, but with a fraction of their budgets, The Great Land of Small is another Canadian kids movie from the same people who brought you The Dog Who Stopped the War and The Peanut Butter Solution. While not as iconic or traumatic as those other films, The Great Land of Small is a distinctly odd movie that mixes family friendly whimsy with questionable decision making. If for no other reason, I would definitely recommend watching this movie so that you too can witness the glory that is Slime-O.

Rating: 59%

(Image from IMDB)

Missing in Action

Colonel James Braddock, still haunted by his time in a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp, reluctantly agrees to return to Vietnam with a government liaison, hoping to find other American soldiers who are still missing in action. After discovering the location of a camp still holding American soldiers prisoner, Braddock leads an all-out assault in an effort to bring his fellow soldiers home. Missing in Action, Cannon’s attempt to cash in on the Rambo franchise, is a decent movie for what it is. Slightly too long with a sluggish pace, Missing in Action saves most of the excitement for the third act, which goes balls to the wall with explosions and high speed raft chases. M. Emmet Walsh lends a bit of levity to the proceedings, playing Braddock’s old army buddy Jack “Tuck” Tucker. And Chuck Norris delivers exactly the type of performance you would expect from him, no more, no less.

Rating: 60%

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Red Heat

East meets West when a Russian Police Captain travels to Chicago to extradite a Soviet drug smuggler. After his prisoner escapes, the stoic Captain Danko is paired with Chicago’s least finest, Detective Ridzik. Much like Walter Hill’s 48 Hrs., Red Heat is a buddy cop story featuring two leads who can barely stand one another. Unfortunately for Red Heat, neither Schwarzenegger nor Belushi have the comedic chops of Eddie Murphy. Still, the movie moves at a brisk pace, and the action set pieces all work well. The supporting cast includes performances from Peter Boyle, Laurence Fishburne and Gina Gershon.

Rating: 64%

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The Sure Thing

Walter Gibson and Alison Bradbury couldn’t be more different. She’s a studious pragmatist and he’s more of a slacker goofball. But the two become reluctant travel companions over Christmas break when they try to get from their snowy New England college campus to sunny California. The Sure Thing is a romantic comedy in the grand tradition of classic films like It Happened One Night, just with more pork rinds this time around. The leads are charmingly played by Daphne Zuniga and a particularly fresh-faced John Cusack. Anthony Edwards and Tim Robbins also appear in the film in memorable supporting roles.

Rating: 73%

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Just Before Dawn

Five young friends head up into the mountains for a camping trip. The forest ranger warns them it's not safe, but they choose to go up anyway. Before long, their weekend of fun turns into a fight for survival. Just Before Dawn isn't exactly an original film. It's got elements of The Hills Have Eyes and just about any other backwoods slasher you could name. However, it's still an entertaining slasher flick. The settings are incredible, the cast is decent and the music is on point. Above all, the movie has a good command of atmosphere. So, even though the pacing slows way down in the middle of the film, it still keeps your attention.

Rating: 70%

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Fun Fact: Gregg Henry, who played Warren, was also in Payback and Brian De Palma's Body Double.

The Dorm That Dripped Blood

aka Pranks

Over the holiday break, a small group of students stay behind on campus to help clear out an old dormitory. One by one, they're attacked and killed by an unseen assailant. The Dorm That Dripped Blood is a fairly bog-standard slasher. The setting is pretty good, with lots of creepy old stairwells, steam tunnels, and abandoned rooms. Unfortunately, much like The Prowler, a little too much time is spent exploring these locations. The kills are decent, with plenty of blood and some gnarly gore in the uncensored directors' cut. The pacing is off though. The killer's reveal comes too early, which ends up derailing most of the suspense in the third act. The cast is fairly forgettable, except for Daphne Zuniga, who makes her debut here.

Rating: 54%

(Image from IMDB)

Manhattan Baby

aka Eye of the Evil Dead

On a trip to Egypt with her archaeologist father, a young girl is given an amulet by a strange woman. At the same time, while exploring a mysterious tomb, her father is blinded by some mystical lights. After returning home to New York, the young girl and her brother begin acting odd and people close to the family start to disappear. Lucio Fulci's Manhattan Baby isn't a particularly straightforward movie. The tone is all over the map and it's difficult to follow at times. It's also a little boring. The music is occasionally loud and discordant but will lapse into jazzy saxophone noodling from time to time to remind the audience that the movie is taking place in New York. There's very little blood and gore in the movie, except for a sequence where a man is attacked by some stuffed birds. Yes, you read that correctly, stuffed birds. It's actually kinda cool.

Rating: 52%

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Tenebrae

aka Unsane

Everyone loves Peter Neal's new novel, Tenebrae, but someone has taken their love of the book too far. A series of murders, inspired by the novel, leave the police scratching their heads. But, after the killer starts sending notes to him, Peter decides to start looking for the murderer himself. Dario Argento's Tenebrae is a return to straightforward giallo after the supernatural themed films Suspiria and Inferno. The atmosphere and cinematography in Tenebrae are on point, which shouldn't be too surprising. And the score is fantastic. The main theme slaps, as I assume the kids would say.

Rating: 73%

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Munchies

While on an archeological expedition in Peru with his father, aspiring comedian Paul Watterman discovers a small alien creature. At first, the alien appears to be friendly, so the pair bring it back to the US. But after being kidnapped and mistreated by Paul's uncle, the alien's violent side emerges. And, as is soon discovered, any attempts to kill the alien are either ineffective or cause it to multiply. With a growing gaggle of would-be Gremlins causing havoc all over town, the race is on to stop the Munchies before it's too late. Produced by Roger Corman, Munchies is an unabashed Gremlins rip-off. It's very cheap looking and not nearly as funny as it thinks it is. The Munchie puppets aren't particularly expressive or impressive, much closer to a Ghoulie than a Gremlin.

Rating: 53%

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Fun Fact: Robert Picardo and Wendy Schaal, who played the ice cream shop owners that got attacked by the Munchies, were both in The 'Burbs as well as a number of other Joe Dante films.

The Killer

Ah Jong, an assassin, accidentally blinds an innocent woman during a hit. Wracked with guilt, Ah Jong inserts himself into the woman's life, hoping to help her get the expensive surgery needed to repair her vision. Meanwhile, Detective Li begins to investigate the killing. And, as he gets closer to finding Ah Jong, he begins to understand the assassin's methods and complicated moral code. But, soon enough, all hell breaks loose when the people who hired Ah Jong decide to get rid of him to cover their tracks. The Killer is probably John Woo's most popular and most imitated film and it should come as no surprise. It's a frickin' masterpiece. It has everything: guys falling off roofs, guys falling off balconies, guys falling off scaffolding, guys going through windows, guys going through windshields, car chases, boat chases, explosions and slow motion doves. It's a spectacular cornucopia of two-fisted, gun blazing action. While A Better Tomorrow will probably always be my favorite John Woo film, there's no denying that The Killer is fantastic. 

Rating: 84%

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Twilight Zone: The Movie

Watching Twilight Zone: The Movie has always come with one great big caveat, can you enjoy the movie knowing that three people lost their lives during an accident on set? It's not an easy thing to get past. If you are able to set that aside for an hour or two, there is still plenty to enjoy in the movie. Sure, it's pretty well impossible not to think about the accident during the film's first segment. Directed by John Landis, "Time Out" is the story of an angry racist who gets to experience what it's like to be on the other side of bigotry and hatred. The second segment, "Kick the Can," directed by Steven Spielberg, doesn't quite fit the tone of the rest of the movie but is helped by Scatman Crothers' endless supply of charisma. The movie really kicks into high gear in the back half, with remakes of two all-time classic Twilight Zone stories. "It's a Good Life," directed by Joe Dante, pairs a lot of Dante's favorite cartoons and character actors with some memorable special effects from Rob Bottin. And finally, "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet," directed by George Miller, which features John Lithgow (in a role originally played by William Shatner) as a man desperately trying to convince his fellow passengers that there's a gremlin on the wing of their plane. The movie also includes appearances from Albert Brooks, Dan Aykroyd, Vic Morrow, Kevin McCarthy, Nancy Cartwright, Dick Miller and narration by Burgess Meredith.

Rating: 74%

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Fun Fact: Steven Williams, who played a bar patron in the first segment, also played Creighton Duke in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday and a tree trimmer in Better Off Dead.

Road House

Dalton, a professional bouncer, is hired to run security at a struggling bar outside of Kansas City called the Double Deuce. As Dalton begins to clean up the place, he runs afoul of Brad Wesley, a cartoonishly evil man who runs roughshod over the town and its residents. As Dalton begins to grow fond of his new home and his new friends, not to mention a certain blonde doctor, the pressure and intimidation from Brad Wesley continues to escalate until the two men are forced into a final confrontation that decides the ultimate fate of the community. Is Road House over the top? Yes. Is Road House a little trashy? Yes. Are those two of it's core strengths? You betcha. Road House is a braindead movie that is also a lot of fun. It's well paced with a great soundtrack. And even though it's nearly two hours long, you'd never know it. 

Rating: 79%

(Image from Wikipedia)