Sunday, March 17, 2024

Die Hard with a Vengeance

John McClane, the hero of Nakatomi Plaza and the Dulles Airport, is at an all time low in Die Hard with a Vengeance. Estranged from his wife, suspended from the force, and in the midst of an epic hangover, John becomes a terrorist's plaything. McClane and a reluctant good samaritan (played to perfection by Samuel L. Jackson) are sent on a series of missions, with an epic explosion awaiting them should they fail. Die Hard with a Vengeance probably has more jokes per minute than any of the other Die Hard movies, but I'm not complaining. Willis and Jackson play off of each other so well, it's a shame Jackson's character never returned in any of the other sequels.

Rating: 79%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Colleen Camp, who played Kowalski, also played a cop, Corporal Kirkland, in Police Academy 2 and 4.

Saturday, March 9, 2024

Spring Break

Due to an overbooking mishap, two Spring Break newbies get paired up with some seasoned party animals. Bawdy hijinks ensue. Technically, there is a little bit more to the movie than that but nobody ever watched Spring Break for the subplots about political campaigns and shady real estate deals. It's a movie that was made for people who wanted to see boobs and butts on the big screen. Spring Break definitely tries to replicate some of the humor and debauchery of movies like Porky's and Animal House, but never quite manages to achieve those heights.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Saturday, February 24, 2024

Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

With crime running rampant in his precinct, Captain Pete Lassard calls up some freshly graduated recruits from the Police Academy. Will these rambunctious rookies be able to clean up the streets or have they been set up to fail? Police Academy 2 brings back most of the cast from the first film. Notable absences include Leslie Easterbrook's Sergeant Callahan and G.W. Bailey's Lieutenant Harris. Notable additions include Colleen Camp as Tackleberry's love interest Corporal Kirkland, Art Metrano as the new antagonist Lieutenant Mauser, Lance Kinsey as Mauser's lackey Proctor, Tim Kazurinsky as a local merchant named Sweetchuck and Bobcat Goldthwait as Zed, the leader of the Scullions. The gags are a little bigger in Police Academy 2, more in line with a movie like Airplane! And most of the raunchiness from the first film has been toned down as well.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Commandant Lassard's brother, Captain Pete Lassard, was played by WKRP's Howard Hesseman.

Thursday, February 15, 2024

City of Death

The Doctor and Romana are having a lovely time in Paris when a time slip alerts them to a dangerous plot about to unfold. An alien, masquerading as an aristocrat, has been stealing and selling rare historical artifacts in order to fund his experiments in time travel. And he's about to go for his biggest score yet, the Mona Lisa. City of Death might be Douglas Adams' most beloved contribution to Doctor Who. While he wasn't the sole writer on the serial, his fingerprints are all over it. It's filled with clever ideas and witty dialogue. It's well cast too, with Julian Glover playing the aristocrat/alien and Tom Chadbon playing Duggan, the Inspector who never met a problem he couldn't solve with violence.

Rating: Well, you're a beautiful woman, probably%

Saturday, February 10, 2024

Cyborg

A cyborg, carrying vital information, attempts to travel from New York to Atlanta. The cyborg tries to secure the protective services of a slinger named Gibson, but is quickly abducted by a violent gang. Gibson follows the gang to Atlanta, not to protect the cyborg but to get revenge on the gang's leader. Cyborg was cobbled together by Cannon in an effort to recoup some of their losses after a Masters of the Universe sequel and their live-action Spider-Man movie fell through. The special effects and costumes are charmingly cheap. The locations are great and do a lot to elevate the film. The film's acting and script, however, leave a bit to be desired. Also, spoiler alert/reminder to those who haven't seen the movie in a long time: JCVD does not play the titular cyborg.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Saturday, February 3, 2024

The Peanut Butter Solution

aka Opération beurre de pinottes

While exploring a burned out building, Michael sees something so terrifying that all of his hair falls out. After a few days, his hair shows no signs of returning. In desperation, Michael tries a hair growth formula given to him by a pair of ghosts. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Michael's hair returns but, because he mixed the formula incorrectly, it won't stop growing. He gets kicked out of school for being a distraction and eventually gets kidnapped by a former teacher, who uses Michael's hair to make magic paint brushes. The Peanut Butter Solution might be the most infamous Canadian children's film ever made. It lives on in the minds of Canadian forty-somethings as a half-remembered fever dream. Many people who saw this movie as a child aren't completely sure whether or not the film was real or if they're actually just struggling to unpack a strange repressed memory.

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Saturday, January 27, 2024

Police Academy

A new mayor decrees that the Police Academy must accept all applicants regardless of height, weight, strength or ability. And it's not long before they start coming out of the woodworks. The worst of the worst end up in D Squad, D as in dirtbag, where Lieutenant Harris runs them ragged, hoping to convince them to dropout. But the cadets face their first real test after a massive riot breaks out in the city. The original Police Academy, the only entry in the series to be rated R, has to be on the Mount Rushmore of raunchy 80s comedies. I grew up on these films, so I can appreciate them for what they are, but they're definitely a hard sell due to their casual racism, sexism, homophobia and the fact that so many people hates cops nowadays. But, damn, if Michael Winslow doesn't make you laugh then you might not have a sense of humor.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Thursday, January 18, 2024

Destiny of the Daleks

Destiny of the Daleks begins with a bit of housekeeping. First we find out that K9 has laryngitis, which is both meant to excuse his absence from the rest of the serial and explain away the fact that a different actor will be performing his lines. Then we find out that Romana has regenerated. Mary Tamm, who had portrayed Romana during the Key to Time season, had chosen not to continue on with the show and was replaced by Lalla Ward. Lalla had played Princess Astra during The Armageddon Factor, which required a little bit of business up front to explain why Romana had changed and why she looked like someone we'd already seen elsewhere. And finally, we get a reminder that the Doctor installed a randomizer in the TARDIS at the end of the Key to Time season, so that he could avoid being followed by the Black Guardian. The randomizer is a fun return to form for the show as the first two Doctors never knew where they were going. The Fourth Doctor and his newly regenerated companion end up on Skaro, the Dalek homeworld. They soon encounter a group of robots called the Movellans, sworn enemies of the Daleks. Together, though for different reasons, the Doctor, Romana and the Movellans try to stop the Daleks from finding and reviving Davros, the creator of the Daleks.

Rating: My condolences to you%

Saturday, January 13, 2024

First Blood

Despondent Vietnam vet John Rambo is just passing through town when he gets hassled by the local fuzz. What those cops don't know is that they just brought a slingshot to a gun fight. By the time it's all over, one man will be dead and the town's property values will have taken a nosedive. First Blood, Rambo's first outing, is a fairly self-contained actioner with plenty of shootouts, chases and explosions. Stallone is backed up by an excellent supporting cast, including Richard Crenna, Brian Dennehy, Bill McKinney and David Caruso. First Blood is a great starting point for a franchise that only gets bigger and more outlandish as it goes along.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Saturday, January 6, 2024

Hot Dog ...The Movie

Harkin Banks, a wide-eyed bumpkin from Idaho, travels to California to compete in a skiing competition. On his first night, Harkin comes into conflict with the local ski champ, Rudolph "Rudi" Garmisch. But, luckily for Harkin, he soon falls in with a group of fun-loving goofballs who call themselves the Rat Pack. Can Harkin defeat Rudi and win the competition or will all the babes and partying get in the way? Hot Dog ...The Movie is a lot trashier than I remembered. I always though Ski School was the horniest ski comedy but Hot Dog ...The Movie certainly gives it a run for its money. Hot Dog isn't a particularly well made movie but it might have more boobs per minute than any other ski comedy.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Monday, December 25, 2023

Black Christmas (2019)

I knew very little about 2019's Black Christmas before I watched it but I had a sinking feeling that I wasn't going to enjoy it once I saw that it was rated PG-13. I was right. My problems with the film have little to do with its feminist leanings though. That's all well and good. I just found all of the characters to be unlikable. The kills were bloodless and tame. Cary Elwes's character's accent was laughable. Also, spoiler alert, the supernatural element was dumb. But, perhaps worst of all, Andrea Martin does not appear in the film. Can you call it Black Christmas if Andrea Martin isn't there? I think not.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Black Christmas Yearbook

Sunday, December 24, 2023

Xmas Story

It's the year 3000 and Fry is having a hard time adjusting to Xmas (formerly known as Christmas) in the 30th Century. His complaints wind up upsetting Leela, who grew up an orphan. To cheer her up, Fry sets out to buy Leela a last minute Xmas present. But, Fry being Fry, he fails to heed the warnings about Robot Santa who, due to a programming error, goes on a killing spree every Xmas Eve. I haven't watched Futurama in many years, so revisiting this episode was a real treat for me. Tinny Tim, the down-and-out robot in search of charity booze, was definitely a highlight.

Rating: Stink Lizards%

Saturday, December 23, 2023

The Great Santa Claus Switch

On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is kidnapped by the evil wizard Cosmo Scam and his cave-dwelling minions, the Frackles. No, not the Fraggles, the Frackles. They're a completely different group of cave-dwelling weirdos. Let's not get bogged down in the details. The important thing here is that Cosmo intends to use his evil magic to impersonate Santa and then rob all of the houses on Santa's route. Santa's only hope? A keen elf named Fred. The Great Santa Claus Switch aired as an episode of The Ed Sullivan Show in 1970 and is hosted by the man himself. There aren't too many marquee Muppets in the special, as it was filmed several years before The Muppet Show, but an early version of Gonzo does appear.

Rating: A Toy Truck%

Friday, December 22, 2023

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

A year has passed and the extended McCallister family are on their way to another destination Christmas vacation, this time to sunny Florida. However, their plans are sullied after a mishap at the airport sends Kevin to New York City, alone. And, it just so happens that a certain pair of burglars have managed to escape from prison as well. Home Alone 2 is not as good as the original Home Alone, which is hardly surprising. Lost in New York rushes the setup and repeats too many elements from the first film. The violence against the Wet Bandits has been amped up this time around, which still manages to delight. And the movie is really helped by the addition of Tim Curry as the hotel concierge. Watching him hold back tears after being slapped by Catherine O'Hara is amazing.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Thursday, December 21, 2023

Miracle on Elm Street

After getting a lesson about the importance of giving during the Christmas season, Richie invites a homeless person to come live with the Winslows. Meanwhile, Steve Urkel heads downs to the city dump to find Laura's favorite doll, which Eddie accidentally threw away. At the end of the episode, the cast breaks the fourth wall and sings "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." This is a top tier Family Matters Christmas episode. There's even an appearance from the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo, so you know I love it.

Rating: Super Nintendo%

Fun Fact: Ben, the homeless man who may have been more than he appeared to be, was played by Art Evans, who was also in Die Hard 2.

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

The Stingiest Man in Town

The Stingiest Man in Town is the Rankin/Bass version of A Christmas Carol. It's a fairly straightforward adaptation except for, much like in the case of Cricket on the Hearth, the inclusion of an insect narrator. A humbug, in fact. One B. A. H. Humbug, Esq., to be precise, voiced by Tom Bosley. Scrooge is played by Walter Matthau, who gives a fine performance. And the special is jam packed with music. Every few minutes there's another big 70s variety show style song. It's almost comical how many songs are in this special. There are a few flourishes here and there that set The Stingiest Man in Town apart from other adaptations of A Christmas Carol, but it's pretty plain overall.

Rating: A Tie%

(Image from IMDB)

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

Silent Knight

Michael and KITT cross paths with a kid on the run from some bank robbers. With the police unable to protect the kid, Michael decides to take him out of town to stay with some relatives. But the bank robbers are hot on their trail. I'm no expert on Knight Rider but, to me, it seems pretty similar to The Six Million Dollar Man. If Steve Austin had a souped-up car instead of bionic limbs, he'd be Michael Knight. And this particular episode of Knight Rider isn't even all that Christmas-y. But KITT does learn a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas, so that's good enough for me.
 
Rating: Argyle Socks%

Fun Fact: One of the bank robbers was played by David Proval, who was also in UHF and The Monster Squad.

Monday, December 18, 2023

George and the Christmas Star

While decorating his Christmas tree, George decides that no ordinary star will be good enough. So he builds a spaceship in his backyard and sets off to capture the brightest star in the night sky. Along the way he meets a singing robot, gets pulled over by the cops, gets captured by pirates, meets a girl and takes a ride on Santa's sleigh. It's an odd little journey. The animation style is a mishmash of Terry Gilliam, Heavy Metal and The Wizard of Id. The music is great and the special has a quirky tone.

Rating: Friendship%

Sunday, December 17, 2023

Jennifer's Home for Christmas

Everyone at the station seems to have big plans for Christmas, except for Jennifer. So, after she gets upset when the Christmas party is cut short, they all decide to go down to her apartment to cheer her up. Warm, festive comedy ensues. I watched a lot of WKRP in Cincinnati reruns when I was a kid. I think it holds up pretty well to this day, if you can get past the theatrical style of older sitcoms. The cast is great and they play off of each other very well. It's a classic workplace sitcom filled with wacky characters. What's not to like?

Rating: Another TV%

Fun Fact: George Gaynes, who played Commandant Lassard in all of the Police Academy movies, appears in the episode as one of the many people dropping gifts off at Jennifer's apartment.

Saturday, December 16, 2023

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys

You know how in the Halloween franchise, every so often they'd put out a sequel that would ignore some of the sequels that came before it. They did it in H20 and they did it again in the David Gordon Green trilogy. Well, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys is like that. It's a sequel to the original Rankin/Bass special but it has nothing to do with the sequels that Rankin/Bass put out in the 70s. Did I need to reference the Halloween franchise to explain that? No, probably not. But, given that Jamie Lee Curtis is one of the voice actors in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys, it seemed appropriate. This direct-to-video sequel isn't awful but it is awful adjacent. The CGI animation is terrible but they did a great job recreating the classic character designs. The songs are annoying but the voice acting is pretty good. The plot is nonsense but so were the plots of all of Rankin/Bass's specials. Also, the title is misleading, the Island of Misfit Toys isn't really a big part of the story.

Rating: A Boomerang That Won't Come Back%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Friday, December 15, 2023

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Shane Black loves Christmas. It's featured in the majority of his films. And while Christmas is featured repeatedly in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, it's mostly a background element. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is primarily a send up of Hollywood and detective fiction. It's also a twist on the buddy cop genre that Black has trafficked in so many times before. Val Kilmer and Michelle Monaghan are very good in the movie but Robert Downey Jr. is the real standout. His performance in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a clear precursor to his time as Tony Stark in the MCU.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Shane Black co-wrote The Monster Squad with Fred Dekker.

Thursday, December 14, 2023

The Big .22 Rifle For Christmas

Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith respond to a call about a missing kid. Some blood and the empty casing from a .22 caliber bullet are found outside the boy's home. Soon after, another boy is reported missing. By day's end, both boys will be found but only one of them will be opening their Christmas presents this year. My experience with and knowledge of Dragnet is mostly limited to the 1987 movie version starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, so I'm probably not the best person to judge the original 50s TV incarnation but man, this shit was dour. Dragnet had to be one of the earliest procedural shows, so I can forgive some of its tropes. The voice over narration, the flat dialogue, the staggering abundance of hats. Maybe it was just this particular episode. Maybe some of the other crimes investigated on the show lead to happy endings, but that was definitely not the case this time.

Rating: A Catcher's Mitt%

Sunday, November 26, 2023

Green Lantern

Green Lantern is, essentially, a 90s superhero movie. Unfortunately, for the people who made it, it was released in a post-Iron Man, post-The Dark Knight world. It's not a bad movie, at least not as bad as you've probably been led to believe. But, it's not good either. It's a mixture of Top Gun and The Last Starfighter, with a little bit of Howard the Duck thrown in as well. The movie's biggest problem might be that very few people are all that familiar with the Green Lantern character. They might be able to pick him out of a lineup, but that's about it.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun fact: Tim Robbins was in Green Lantern, Top Gun and Howard the Duck.

Saturday, November 18, 2023

The Armageddon Factor

The quest for the final segment of the Key to Time brings the Doctor and his companions to Atrios. They soon discover that Atrios and its twin planet Zeos are in the midst of a nuclear war. On Atrios, the war is lead by the fanatical Marshal while, behind the scenes, Princess Astra attempts to find a peaceful resolution to the conflict. Meanwhile, on a mysterious third planet, the Shadow conspires to prolong the war and steal the Key to Time. The Armageddon Factor is a decent story overall but it runs out of steam in the final episode. The conclusion to the Key to Time arc is pretty lackluster and feels a little rushed. The Armageddon Factor has plenty of interesting characters throughout though, including a Time Lord named Drax who shows up out of nowhere in the fifth episode.

Rating: Peace%

Sunday, November 12, 2023

Cliffhanger

After a rescue mission goes wrong, Gabe Walker tries to put the mountaineering life behind him. But Gabe's skills are put to the test after he's forced to help international thieves recover three suitcases full of cash that were lost over the Rockies. It's Die Hard on a mountain. But, then again, since Renny Harlin directed it, it's more like Die Hard 2 on a mountain. Cliffhanger is easily one of Stallone's best films from the 90s. The setting really helps differentiate Cliffhanger from similar movies. Michael Rooker and John Lithgow are both great in the film as well.

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Sunday, November 5, 2023

Red Dawn

The Cold War gets hot in Red Dawn. When the Soviets invade, a small band of plucky teens take to the woods and form the Wolverines. A guerilla fighting force hell-bent on taking back their country. Starring Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, Powers Boothe and Harry Dean Stanton. Red Dawn is not a subtle movie in any way. It's over the top explosions and gunfights from beginning to end. And while some might choose to see Red Dawn as nationalistic Cold War propaganda, I choose to see Red Dawn as a simplistic 80s gem.

Rating: 76%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

The Prowler

aka Rosemary's Killer

In 1945, on the night of the graduation dance in Avalon Bay, Rosemary Chatham and her new boyfriend were brutally murdered. The killer was never found. Flash forward to 1980, where preparations are underway for the first graduation dance since that tragic night back in 1945. Spirits are high among the soon-to-be college graduates, but someone is about to ruin their night. Someone with an old score to settle. The Prowler is a semi-independent horror movie from the golden age of slasher films. It's definitely riffing on movies like Halloween and Friday the 13th and there's even an allusion to Jaws at one point. Plot wise, The Prowler is very similar to My Bloody Valentine. Which is likely coincidental, since they were both released the same year. The cast, the music, the setting and the killer are all on point, but The Prowler's script is a little weak. There's not enough going on in the movie, which feels padded out by some long sequences where the main characters explore the same old house twice. The Prowler's main selling point is definitely Tom Savini's special effects makeup. Unlike some of Savini's other work from this era, The Prowler never holds back during the kill scenes. There are several long, lingering shots of people being stabbed and skewered in The Prowler. The kind of shots that typically got cut down by the MPAA in Friday the 13th films. Though not obscure by any means, The Prowler is an under the radar slasher that is well worth seeking out.

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Monday, October 30, 2023

The Sentinel

Alison Parker, a fashion model with a troubled past, sets out to find a new apartment. Her search takes her to the gates of hell, literally. The Sentinel is a slow burn but when it feels like ramping up to some crazy shit, it really goes for it. The movie's supporting cast includes Burgess Meredith, John Carradine, Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken, Jerry Orbach, Beverly D'Angelo and Jeff Goldblum.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Alison's boyfriend is played by Chris Sarandon, who was in Fright Night and Child's Play.

Sunday, October 29, 2023

The Great Alligator River

aka The Great Alligator

A photographer is hired to take promotional pictures for a newly built tropical resort. The local tribe worries that the resort's construction has angered Kruna, a god that will take its revenge in the form of a giant alligator. Sergio Martino's The Great Alligator River shares a little DNA with Joe Dante's Piranha but it's a Jaws rip-off through and through. The alligator in the movie isn't really a puppet or an animatronic, it seems to be more of a statue than anything else. There are a number of scenes where you see the alligator underwater and it's stiff as a board. When the alligator attacks the tourists, it isn't chomping down on them so much as they are swimming into its mouth. Let's just say, it's no Alligator.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Barbara Bach and Claudio Cassinelli were both in Sergio Martino's Island of the Fishmen.

Saturday, October 28, 2023

Blood and Black Lace

A masked killer stalks and slays fashion models while trying to get his black gloved hands on an incriminating diary. Mario Bava's stylish giallo is a proto-slasher that revels in creative kills. The masked killer looks like The Blank from 1990's Dick Tracy movie. And, much like in Mario Bava's A Bay of Blood, almost every character in the movie is a scumbag.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Friday, October 27, 2023

Someone's Watching Me!

Shortly after moving into a new apartment in an LA high-rise, Leigh Michaels starts getting weird phone calls and strange packages. Unbeknownst to Leigh, her stalker has placed surveillance equipment in the apartment and is also watching her through a high powered telescope. Leigh's sanity starts to unravel as the harassment ramps up and the police claim that they are powerless to help her. Eventually, it becomes clear that her stalker will only stop when one of them is dead. Someone's Watching Me! was written and directed by John Carpenter and aired on NBC in November of 1978. Shot shortly before Halloween, Someone's Watching Me! features a number of stylistic touches that would become synonymous with Carpenter's work. Steadicam is used in a couple of scenes and the cast includes Charles Cyphers and Adrienne Barbeau. The music, done by Harry Sukman, lends to the Hitchcockian feel of the movie. Though widely available now on home video, Someone's Watching Me! was long considered to be John Carpenter's lost film.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Harry Sukman also did the music for Salem's Lot.