Congratulations! You're officially the hippest, least racist, most humanitarian, kindest, gentlest, biggest dicked/tightest vaged computer users on the face of the whole planet. Now if only I could ever in a million years afford one of your electronic crash boxes then I would be able to count myself lucky enough to join the ranks of the elite.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #28
Wow Containers are plastic containers for people with no sense of capacity or volume. Say you made some food, but you made more than you could eat in one sitting. You could waste that leftover food (the new fad that's sweeping the nation) or you could store it in a container, so that it might be enjoyed at a later date. If you wanted to store said food and you were anything other than a complete moron, you would take a container that you already owned and then you would fill that container to full or nearly full capacity. Then, if there was still more food to be stored, you would simply repeat the process with another container. But now, thanks to Wow Containers patent pending Universal Quick Snap technology, there's a better way.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #27
Rennie's troubling visions of a drowning boy aren't gonna stop her from going on her grad cruise to New York City. Nothing's gonna keep her from having fun and spending time with her boyfriend. Not her creepy uncle, not the crazy cokehead bitch who throws her overboard, not even the murderous hockey masked stowaway. Come for the boatload of horny teens (literally), stay for the... um... you know what? Don't bother. Forget that I even brought it up.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews # 26
Stop me if you've heard this one before: a young girl accidentally drowns her father with her burgeoning psychic powers. Years later, she returns to the lake where it all happened (you can guess which lake I'm talking about) with her mother and her creepy therapist. The girl with psychic powers, now a young lady, accidentally revives an axe wielding maniac who had been lying dormant at the bottom of the lake. Said maniac decides to butcher a cabin full of horny teens who happened to be gathered nearby for a birthday party, thus leading to an epic showdown of psycho vs psychic. 
Ranking things is sometimes good. College football, for instance. And what about the Army, hmmmm? You ever think of that? But mostly when we say we've "ranked" something, we really mean we've classified stuff we like and/or hate according to some made-up system that's total bullshit, i.e., The Beatles are the greatest band ever followed by the Rolling Stones followed by The Silver Bullet Band, etc. Ranking involves all sorts of science and math and whathaveyou. Which is boring. So fuck it I love you. 
Having been released from the loony bin, our man Tommy Jarvis (played this time by Thom Mathews of Return of the Living Dead fame) decides to head back to Crystal Lake to cremate any of Jason Voorhees' remaining, ...um, remains. But, wouldn't you know it, Tommy accidentally revives Jason with a fence post and a bolt of lightning (I hate when that happens). Will Tommy be able to warn the cranky town Sheriff and his horny daughter (who is also one of the head counselors at the newly re-opened summer camp) before it's too late? (Spoiler: No, he won't.) 
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #25
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #24
La Fin du Monde is a Belgian style golden ale produced in Québec. Triple fermented with a 9% ABV (alcohol by volume), La Fin du Monde is reminiscent of Faxe and Colt 45. In a glass, La Fin du Monde is blonde and cloudy, much like the women you would meet at a bar in Québec. Though sold outside of French Canada, La Fin du Monde is more likely to be found in its natural habitat: in shady dépanneurs and unpatrolled parking lots around la belle province. Side effects of drinking La Fin du Monde include: skunk breath, road rash, cheese envy, and thoughts of separatism. 
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #23
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #22
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #21
O phone! O blinking red light signifying fifty-eight unchecked voicemails! If only I knew how to use you! But no. And so you blink on, telecommunication device against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #20
Directed by J. Lee Thompson (The Guns of Navarone, Cape Fear), Happy Birthday To Me was released in 1981 by Columbia Pictures during the so-called Golden Age of Slasher Films. The movie revolves around Virginia "Ginny" Wainwright and her rich, snobby friends who are among the elite at the illustrious Crawford Academy. After a prank at the local watering hole, Ginny starts to piece together some repressed memories of a mysterious accident that happened a few years earlier. At the same time, Ginny's friends begin to disappear, each seemingly killed off in a bizarre fashion. Happy Birthday To Me definitely strives to be an atmospheric slasher, not content to rely solely on boobs and blood. All in all, the movie is somewhat hampered by a lengthy running time, a lack of proper plotting, and some haphazard twists at the end. 
Poor old Tommy Jarvis (played in a dream sequence by Corey Feldman, played in the rest of the movie by somebody else) is being trucked off to the nut house. It seems that all has not been well for Tommy in the years since he killed Jason Voorhees. It should be a chance for a fresh start, but when one of the troubled (and likely horny) teens at Tommy's halfway house gets hacked up with an axe, it's only the beginning of the bloodshed. How's Tommy supposed to recover in a town full of horny teens, crazy rednecks, 50's greaser throwbacks, drifters, coked up horndogs, and guys with really sweet vans? Plus, is Jason somehow back from the dead? (Spoiler: No, he's not.)
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #19
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #18
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #17
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #16
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #15
A Month Of Halloween Reviews #14
The Empire Strikes Back is a good movie, possibly the best entry in the original Star Wars trilogy. But if you ever find yourself flipping through the channels and you see that The Empire Strikes Back is playing on Spike TV, just keep flipping past it. Even if you're a huge Star Wars geek, it's not worth watching. Normally Empire is only a little over two hours long, but once Spike breaks it up with commercials for UFC and Axe Body Spray, it runs over three hours. That means, in order to see a good movie, you have to sit through at least an hour of commercials. Horrible, horrible, mind numbingly awful commercials.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #13
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #12
Everything should be smooth sailing for young Tommy Jarvis (played by über thespian Corey Feldman). Now that the local axe weilding maniac is dead and his body has been taken to the morgue, things should be nice and calm for once around Crystal Lake. Then again, the cabin next door is being rented by a bunch of horny teens. And there's some guy lurking in the woods looking for his missing sister or something. But Jason's dead...right? I mean, what could go wrong? 
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #11
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #10
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #9
Academics like to complain. A lot. If you ask one of them to teach a 4:4 or a 5:5 or, as I did last year, a 6:3, they might vomit a little bit of bile into their complete-with-snarky-comment-on-the-outside coffee mugs. Is it somewhat soul crushing to spend your time explaining something you're passionate about to 15-40 terminally bored teenagers? Of course. Is your pay fairly lousy, your field of research generally unappreciated and even reviled by the general populace, and your very existence distrusted by the hoi polloi? Yes. But, shit. If you tripled your weekly in-class time, you'd still be spotting my father fourteen hours. Also, those bizarre eccentricities that make you lovable and unique within the Ivory Tower are often illegal in the real world, and worthy of layoff.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #8
When the cops arrive to clean up after his last killing spree, Jason hightails it away from Crystal Lake to nearby Higgins Haven (killing a few people along the way). Lucky for him, a young lady and her horny stoner friends have flocked to the same area for a weekend getaway. With a group of angry bikers hiding out in the barn and a hockey masked killer lurking in the shadows, will any of our horny protagonists survive? Come for the lousy 3D gimmicks, stay for the... um... did I mention he wears a hockey mask in this one?
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #7
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #6
Some time has passed since the killings at Camp Crystal Lake, enough time that someone thought it would be a good idea to open a new summer camp on the same lake. A new group of horny teens descend on the area to begin their camp counselor training. Unfortunately for them, some sack wearing hillbilly is living in a shack on the grounds of the old camp. Could it be Jason Voorhees, the boy who drowned at Camp Crystal Lake, come back for revenge? You wouldn't think so, since he drowned and whatnot, but here we are.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #5
Eating Habanero and Guacamole Doritos is like getting a back rub while someone kicks you in the face. The orange chips (Habanero) are quite spicy, spicier even than the Scream Cheese variety. The green chips (Guacamole) take some of the edge off after the heat from the orange chips kicks in. Since both types of chips co-mingle in the same bag, there is some flavor powder cross-contamination. At best, I would describe their individual flavors as "hot" (orange) and "not as hot" (green).
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #4
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #3
Written by Victor Miller, directed by Sean S. Cunningham, special effects by Tom Savini. The year is 1979, a group of horny teens and absentee adults are getting Camp Crystal Lake ready for the summer season. Unfortunately for them, the camp has a long and sordid history of mishaps and misfortune. One by one, our young protagonists are stalked and slashed by an unseen killer. Come for the boobs and blood, stay for the ending that totally rips off Carrie.
Is your friend online somehow even though the power's out in his apartment? No, it's not the magic of Satan, he's using a battery--a thingie made of chemicals and other stuff that mixes all together to make electricity that you can use to torture your political enemies into signing false confessions or power a dildo shaped like a gun. You can put batteries in stuff that's really cool, like a sweet Ghostbusters ghostzapper, or you can use one in a Christmas-themed dog sweater with LED lights and undo in a single gesture everything our brave grandfathers fought and died to protect. In conclusion, *batteries not included was a dumb movie and also racist, so there you go.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #2
Sometimes you might be a month late paying your power bill and TXU might send you a letter that says the payment is due on October 8th and then cut your electricity on October 1st. Then they might tell your wife that they'll turn the power back on that night so you'll forgo fast food thinking you can cook when you get home but guess what, you can't, and now you can't even go to Jack in the Box because it's 10:30 and you don't have a fucking car. The logistics of cutting Texas from the continental shelf, dragging it out into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and carpet bombing the shit out of it seem formidable, but if Canadian Jesus can bury a bunch of Archean fossils that are billions of years old on a planet that's only 10,000 years old, he can do anything, so how 'bout it, CJC--for me?
The human brain often takes information processing shortcuts by inferring generic categories from memories of past experiences and using them to predict future events. You have to be careful, though, because it can be wrong, especially when you're too tired and angry to draw distinctions that you know you should. Like right now, I'm tempted to say, "America sucks--everyone's a redneck, a crybaby or a total asstard, everyone shouts constantly and never listens to what anyone else is saying, no one knows how to drive but everyone screams obscenities out the window while they barrel down the street at 60 mph, there's never any oranges at the grocery store, no one will tell you where the fucking mailroom is, and look, they must be dumb because all their money's the same colour." If I didn't already know that this is a grossly false but emotionally satisfying superstition about the mystifying habits of people who are easier to hate than understand, I'd probably be a bigot, but I think I'm a pretty good guy.
A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #1
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![their money is multi-colo[u]red](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/76/Canadian_bills2.jpg){kind=link}
