25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #6: Run Rudolph Run

Released by Chuck Berry in 1958 as the b-side to his "Merry Christmas Baby" single, "Run Rudolph Run" has proven to be a popular and lasting Christmas favorite. While this reviewer is no Chuck Berry expert, it would seem that "Run Rudolph Run" is somewhat typical of Berry's catalog. Insofar as that while the song has a specific topic/theme, it inevitably devolves into a song about rock and roll and electric guitars. According to Wikipedia, the song has been covered over the years by more than two dozen different artists, including Skynyrd, Foghat and Jimmy Buffett. One especially notable cover, from the We Wish you a Metal Xmas compilation, features Lemmy (from Motörhead), Billy Gibbons (from ZZ Top) and Dave Grohl (from Nirvana, Foo Fighters and Them Crooked Vultures).

Rating: Christmas tree shaped cookies%

(Image from boogiewoogieflu.blogspot.com)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #5: Do You Hear What I Hear?

"Do You Hear What I Hear?" was apparently written in the 60's as a plea for peace during the Cuban Missile Crisis, but whenever I hear it, all I can think about is one of my favorite sequences from Gremlins. You know the one, Mrs. Peltzer is baking cookies when she hears some noises coming from Billy's room. She goes up to investigate, discovers that all those freaky pods have hatched, and then suddenly "Do You Hear What I Hear?" starts playing on the family record player. Then it's back down to the kitchen for a little festive fight to the death with half a dozen gremlins. Ah, Christmas.

Rating: Smokeless ashtray%

(Image from thehousenextdooronline.com)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #4: Father Christmas

Things are done a little differently in the UK. They drive on the wrong side of the road and the word that they use for vagina is fanny. So with that in mind, the Kinks can be forgiven for calling their song "Father Christmas," when it's really about Santa. Also, if the lyrics are to be believed, when confronted with a department store Santa, British children will likely try to rob him. Whereas, if my recent trips to the mall are any indication, North American children are more likely to cry and pee in his lap.

Rating: Figgy pudding%

(Image from driver8.seesaa.net)

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #4: The Smokeless Cigarette

Back in the 80's, medical science confirmed what everyone who wasn't a complete moron should've known all along: secondhand smoke is bad. Around that time, Camel introduced Premier Lights, which worked by "heating and aeresolizing" the tobacco rather than burning it, and purported to reduce "biological activity." I've never tried one personally, but I'd bet a Canadian twenty that Premier Lights did indeed reduce "biological activity," since a smokeless cigarette sounds about as stimulating as a fuckless porno movie.

RATING: Gimme%

(Image from tobaccoproducts.org.)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #3: Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

A true Ramones fan is always willing to forgive some of the band's more questionable artistic decisions. Which leads me to the inclusion of their foray into the Christmas song canon, "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)." The song itself serves as both a means of extending holiday well-wishings and as a plea for domestic harmony. It's also loud, fast, and around two minutes long. So essentially, it's not that much of a departure from the rest of the Ramones song catalog.

Rating: Elf bowling%

(Image from c-60lownoise.blogspot.com)

West Point Uniforms

Holy shit! It's the 2009 graduating class of Starfleet Academy.



RATING: 80%



(Photo stolen from nytimes.com)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #2: Wonderful Christmastime

One year for Christmas, Paul McCartney got some sleigh bells, a synthesizer, and a big bag of weed. Sometime later, in a foggy (yet festive) haze, he came up with the delightful "Wonderful Christmastime." If you don't believe me about the weed part, it should be noted that the b-side to the song's 1979 single was a track called "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reggae." Though all of the former Beatles would go on to record Christmas-themed songs individually, McCartney's song is especially remarkable because it does not suck and/or make you want to kill yourself.

Rating: A bowl of red and green M&M's%

(Image from irvinehousingblog.com)

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #3: The Wine Rack

The Wine Rack is a sports bra that you can fill with wine. While it's a clever idea, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that the target market maxed out the credit card long ago and now diverts most of its income to trailer payments and crystal meth. Also, while I'm admittedly no expert in such matters, I suspect the presentation might be a little, uh, sexist.

RATING: 40%

(Image from www.baronbob.com.)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #1: Little Saint Nick

The Beach Boys' 1963 single "Little Saint Nick" comes over the loudspeakers whenever I walk into a mall during the Christmas season. I always smile when I hear it. Not because it dredges up any especially warm holiday memories though. Mostly because part of the chorus ("Merry Christmas Santa") sounds like they're singing "Merry Christmas Satan." And I happen to think that that is awesome.

Rating: Rum and eggnog%

(Image from loungemusica.blogspot.com)

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #2: Hula Hoop

When's the last time you saw someone with a hula hoop who wasn't an acrobat prostitute? We had to use these things in gym class sometimes and pretty much all they were good for was choking other kids. If I ever caught my son with a fucking hula hoop I'd send him to military school.

RATING: 17%

(Image from images.theage.com.au.)

Arabs

Arabs are pretty awesome, what can I say buddy? In general, we're a kind and generous people my main man. Sometimes a few Arabs go crazy and make everybody suspicious and angry, but that basically happens for every other people everywhere too (except white people). I hope that by writing a positive review of Arabs this blog doesn't get banned in Switzerland, but I didn't want any of their Nazi gold anyway.



RATING: 90%

Alternate Ending Here

Leffe Beer

This is a pretty good Belgian style beer, but I drank one of these last night and then felt sick all the way until now. I blame Europe.

RATING: 41%

A Pen Or A Stapler (I'm Running Out Of Ideas Here)

It depends if you want to write or attach things together. Uh, what else is on my desk? A coffee mug? A Jerome Iginla action figure? THIS BLOG IS NOT DEAD GODDAMNIT!


RATING: 113% (Combined)

Sandwishes

Quick, it's the first sand of the season! *A MILLION DOLLARS*



RATING: 80%

The Turkey Sandwich Waiting For Me In My Desk Drawer

I'd sure like to eat it now, but there's no telling when a student is going to show up for his or her scheduled conference, and if I'm eating it when a student comes to my office then I'll show weakness by proving that I, like all humans, must eat. Also, it's hard to pick a reasonable color for turkey in MSPaint.

RATING: GIMME%

The Twenty-Second Amendment

Nobody ever wanted to see a repeat of the disastrous presidency of FDR, so they decided that term limits should be set up for future presidents of the country. I guess that's a good thing, because Clinton probably could have been reelected, which would have been TERRIBLE! He lied under oath guys. Also, I'm sure Barack Obama could serve like 50 terms since he's the Antichrist and a master of devilish trickery.


RATING: 68%

Blog Supergroup

This was a pretentiously named blog I started three years ago that had a bunch of other posters. We would blog about a specific topic every week. It was a good idea at first, but everybody else wanted to pick smart, thoughtful, political topics, and I wanted to spend the least amount of time and energy possible writing my entries. BAM.

RATING: 70%

Comedy Style

Sometimes you will be talking to a person and then they say a thing that is odd or weird and you chuckle. That person has what is known as "Comedy Style" to scientists and other smartos. Comedy Style isn't easy to come by because it demands a careful balance of muscles and seratonin, but sometimes a person who has Comedy Style can come up and have a show or a special and say a dozen odd or weird things in a row that make you laugh or even chortle. In these tough economic times America needs Comedy Style more than ever, and those lucky individuals who possess it should be revered as the Patriots they are.


RATING: 91%

Space Travel

In the name of Allah, it's 2009, get on it! You're disappointing every science fiction writer from the 1950s.

RATING: 55% (As is. I guess it's still pretty amazing.)

Literary Journals

You got your poem about blue jays published in the Iowa Review? You're famous! Congratulations, John Keats!

RATING: 0%

(Except for NANO Fiction. Subscribe, please!)

Experimental Jet Set, Trash, And No Star by Sonic Youth

When I bought this in 9th grade, my first Sonic Youth album, I thought I was so cool. To be fair, I was pretty right.


RATING: 77%

These Ants In My Office

Argh, I think they're dropping down from the ceiling. WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY WANT FROM ME?

RATING: 8%

The Amazing Spider-man: The Life & Death Of Spiders

One More Day seems even worse looking back, because JMS worked very hard to get Peter and MJ back together throughout his run just to have Joe Quesada be a huge dick and make him magic them apart again.

RATING: 67%

Secret War

The story is some incomprehensible nonsense about all the tech bad guys in the Marvel Universe working for some super terrorist, so Nick Fury sacrifices... you know what? It's got some pretty painted pictures and that's about it.

RATING: 35%

Marvel: The End

Thanos gets ultimate power, kills all the heroes, destroys the universe, then undoes everything at the very last second. Didn't we already see Jim Starlin do this?

RATING: 40%

November 2009 On R3

I don't know if it's blogger malaise or what, but this was our worst month ever in post numbers. I'm going to try to fix that really quick. (Quantity > Quality)

RATING: 11%

The Pet Sounds vs Sgt. Pepper's Debate

Much like linguists, music dorks are no fun at a party. Next time you encounter a music dork at a party and they're spouting off about how Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is some sort of pinnacle of human achievement, tell them that the Beach Boys album Pet Sounds is better (even if you don't believe it). First, they'll be a bit shocked, like they just saw you shit on John Lennon's grave or something. Then they'll be insulted, because secretly they know Pet Sounds is awesome. After that, they'll likely turn their back to you and start rattling on about jazz or Captain Beefheart or something. You'll probably get the stink eye from them the rest of the time you're at the party, but don't let it bother you, you ruined their whole night in just a matter of seconds.

Rating: 1966%

(Image from beatle.wordpress.com)

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #1: Orbitz

Orbitz was a clear, thick, fruit-flavoured drink full of slimy little balls that slid down your throat like the semen of some horrible cartoon incubus. I think it was called Orbitz because you needed a healthy dose of Newton's inverse-square law to keep from puking it back up, or maybe it was supposed to sound futuristic or something. The 1990's were so fucking stupid.

RATING: 20%

(Image from images.fanpop.com.)

Tenacious D And The Pick Of Destiny

Approximately as stupid as I expected, which, consequentially, was as stupid as I was looking for.

RATING: 66%

Comic Three-In-One

Daredevil Vol. 5: Out

Daredevil comes out of the closet, and we finally learn where his partner Franklin Nelson gets his nickname "Foggy."

RATING: 81%





Fantastic Four: 1234

Jae Lee does to the human form what Grant Morrison does to story, for whatever it's worth.

RATING: 54%




The Incredible Hulk Vol. 3: Abominable

True.

RATING: 15%

Mean Streets

Mean Streets is a 1973 film directed by Martin Scorsese, starring Harvey Keitel and Robert De Niro. The film centers on Keitel's character Charlie, a small time debt collector for the local mafia. Charlie struggles to find a balance between his religious beliefs, his work for the mafia, his epileptic girlfriend, and his boisterous friend Johnny Boy (played by a young De Niro). Though shot cheaply in a loose hand-held style, it is interesting to see Scorsese's first attempt at tackling some of the themes that would become synonymous with his later work (Catholicism, New York, the mafia, Robert De Niro, etc.). For today's audiences, the film works better as a time capsule, capturing hungry young actors, a gritty vision of New York, and a brilliant director working his way up from his B movie roots.

Rating: 70%

(Image from amazon.ca)

Chuck E. Cheese's

When I was a kid, I’d see people win trips to Chuck E. Cheese’s on American game shows and I never got that it was a gross pizza place—I figured they served some exotic food product (huge blocks of cheese?) covered in the same orange powder they put on cheesies. I also didn't expect to see so many dead cockroaches lying around, although in hindsight the rat mascot should've given it away. However, my 3-year-old son had the time of his life playing all the crusty games, so I'm sure we'll be back.

RATING: A generous 35%

(Image from some blog.)

Starbucks® Christmas Blend

Starbucks Christmas bland.

RATING: 30%










(Image from blog.gabrielmorka.com.)

Public Transportation

Riding a bus can be a lot like a trip to the VD clinic. You have to wait around with a bunch of people who are there for the same reason you are, none of whom are usually too happy to be there. You don't really want to touch anything or get involved with anyone else who happens to be there beyond eye contact or exchanging brief pleasantries. You hope that you never have to repeat the experience, but deep down you know you'll be back. Also, you can be pretty sure that everyone around you has crabs.

Rating: 12%

(Image from aiga.org)

Truck Nuts

If nuts are sexy, and trucks are sexy, then nuts on your truck should be super sexy, right? That kind of logic can't fail! Well, actually, yes it can, and that's why you have a 10th grade education and work at the dog food factory.

RATING: Patriarchy%


(Image from publicfrenemy.files.wordpress.com.)

Metered Verse

About 150,000 years ago, some apes figured out that if they used a stick to beat on another stick while they talked, they could get other apes to pay attention and maybe even have sex with them, and metered verse was born. While the technique has long been abandoned by serious contemporary American poets, as well as other champions of liberty like Ezra Pound and T.S. Eliot, a few foreign poets such as Homer, Chaucer and Shakespeare have had modest success with it. In conclusion, it’s difficult to write in meter during a 90-second commercial break, especially if one is using both hands to cram Chick-fil-A into one’s slavering maw.

RATING: Ronald Reagan%

(Image from www.apolloscabinet.com.)

Free Verse

What, you want me to use iambs and rhymes and shit? This is poetry, man, it's not supposed to be work. Here's a description of a bird I once saw getting eaten by a smaller bird instead. Also, I don't even like using line breaks so now it's a prose poem.

RATING: Whatever-I-Feel-Like-All-The-Time%

Captain America: Homeland Security

This was written by Robert Morales, writer of Truth, who was supposed to have a long run on the book in which he was going to have Captain America become president. It's an interesting idea, but Marvel was like, nah, let's cancel this book and have Christopher Priest write an incomprehensible Captain America & The Falcon book instead. So all you end up having is a good story revolving around Gitmo and innocent A-rab men being dragged through Havana, then three forgettable issues to close out the run. Oh right, and art by the amazing Chris Bachalo.

RATING: 65%

A Night at the Opera

Released in 1935, A Night at the Opera is a musical comedy featuring Groucho, Chico and Harpo of the Marx Brothers. The plot of the movie revolves around the Brothers' attempts to assist and unite two opera singers whilst also wreaking havoc on a number of snooty socialites. Despite being called A Night at the Opera, the movie is not overly bogged down by musical numbers (though there is a piano routine by Chico and a harp routine by Harpo). The movie contains a number of good gags, including the stateroom scene, the contract negotiation between Groucho and Chico and the sabotage of the opera at the film's climax. Though entertaining, the movie has some problems with pacing (due in part to WWII-era censors removing scenes and dialogue that referenced Italy). Also, those unfamiliar with the works of the Marx Brothers are likely to find that the impact of their gags and style has been lessened by decades of homages and reinterpretations.

Rating: 72%

(Image from amazon.ca)

PC Users

Congratulations! If your computer were a person, it would have syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, crabs, heartworm, tapeworm, roundworm, ringworm, fibromyalgia, epilepsy, and a fleet of surveillance vans following it wherever it went. But hey, at least you can listen to Fruity Loops while you roll pennies, you broke motherfucker.

RATING: 12%

(Image from www.clker.com.)

Mac Users

Congratulations! You're officially the hippest, least racist, most humanitarian, kindest, gentlest, biggest dicked/tightest vaged computer users on the face of the whole planet. Now if only I could ever in a million years afford one of your electronic crash boxes then I would be able to count myself lucky enough to join the ranks of the elite.

RATING: 15%

Ghostbusters (Video Game)

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #28

This game, written by Harold Ramis and Dan Ackroyd and starring all the Ghostbusters from the movie, was pretty fun and hilarious. It managed to recreate the feel of Ghostbusters (the first movie, since Ghostbusters II sucks), including a lot of legitimately spooky parts in addition to all the humor and repartee we know and love. I beat this game on medium difficulty in about three evenings, so I really can't recommend buying it, but if you've got $8 to spare then you could certainly do a lot worse than renting this game.

RATING: 71%

PS - Finally done with month of Halloween reviews (never said which month it was going to be).

Wow Containers

Wow Containers are plastic containers for people with no sense of capacity or volume. Say you made some food, but you made more than you could eat in one sitting. You could waste that leftover food (the new fad that's sweeping the nation) or you could store it in a container, so that it might be enjoyed at a later date. If you wanted to store said food and you were anything other than a complete moron, you would take a container that you already owned and then you would fill that container to full or nearly full capacity. Then, if there was still more food to be stored, you would simply repeat the process with another container. But now, thanks to Wow Containers patent pending Universal Quick Snap technology, there's a better way.

Rating: Wow Containers 8%
Rating: Wow Containers' Commercial 80%

(Image from asseenontvvideo.com)

Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #27

When you're sitting around drinking your Michelob Ultra, do you ever think to yourself "Boy, this would taste great with a subtle pumpkin aroma and notes of cinnamon spice?" No, you don't, because you don't fucking drink Michelob Ultra, I don't fucking drink Michelob Ultra, and nobody in his right mind fucking drinks Michelob Ultra. Capital yucky.

RATING: 19%

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Rennie's troubling visions of a drowning boy aren't gonna stop her from going on her grad cruise to New York City. Nothing's gonna keep her from having fun and spending time with her boyfriend. Not her creepy uncle, not the crazy cokehead bitch who throws her overboard, not even the murderous hockey masked stowaway. Come for the boatload of horny teens (literally), stay for the... um... you know what? Don't bother. Forget that I even brought it up.

Rating: Drowned in a barrel of sewage %

(Image from horreur-web.com)

The Last House On The Left

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews # 26

The Last House On The Left is a tender story about a young girl who turns 17 and then goes to have fun in the big city with a friend. Meanwhile the birthday girl's parents are getting ready to have a great party for her. Also there are some escaped criminals on the loose. Also rape, stabbing, intestines, murder, dick chomping, chainsaw.

RATING: 40%

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

Stop me if you've heard this one before: a young girl accidentally drowns her father with her burgeoning psychic powers. Years later, she returns to the lake where it all happened (you can guess which lake I'm talking about) with her mother and her creepy therapist. The girl with psychic powers, now a young lady, accidentally revives an axe wielding maniac who had been lying dormant at the bottom of the lake. Said maniac decides to butcher a cabin full of horny teens who happened to be gathered nearby for a birthday party, thus leading to an epic showdown of psycho vs psychic.

Rating: Bashed against a tree in a sleeping bag %

(Image from horrordvds.com)

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Two: Rankings

Ranking things is sometimes good. College football, for instance. And what about the Army, hmmmm? You ever think of that? But mostly when we say we've "ranked" something, we really mean we've classified stuff we like and/or hate according to some made-up system that's total bullshit, i.e., The Beatles are the greatest band ever followed by the Rolling Stones followed by The Silver Bullet Band, etc. Ranking involves all sorts of science and math and whathaveyou. Which is boring. So fuck it I love you.


Rating: I cannot rate rankings--that'd be silly. So I'll end this with a Q & A.

Q: Do the people who go around ranking things and then showing off their rankings foresee the storm of shit that begins when they make their rankings public?

A: You bet your sweet sweet can they do.

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI

Having been released from the loony bin, our man Tommy Jarvis (played this time by Thom Mathews of Return of the Living Dead fame) decides to head back to Crystal Lake to cremate any of Jason Voorhees' remaining, ...um, remains. But, wouldn't you know it, Tommy accidentally revives Jason with a fence post and a bolt of lightning (I hate when that happens). Will Tommy be able to warn the cranky town Sheriff and his horny daughter (who is also one of the head counselors at the newly re-opened summer camp) before it's too late? (Spoiler: No, he won't.)

Rating: Folded in half %

(Image from colonelscrypt.com)

Music For Strings, Percussion And Celesta by Bartok

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #25

Yikes! Sounds like ghost music, but like the kind of ghost who would lift up your dishes and candelabra and spin them around while your eyes bug out and the maid goes "g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!" but then it turns out the ghost just wanted a friend or justice (murderer) and everybody ends up happy. That or Hungarian expressionist music.

RATING: 73%