Teeth

Teeth is the heartwarming story of a high school girl who has vagina dentata, more commonly known as tooth coot. In a better movie this could have been used as a great metaphor about struggling to come to terms with one's sexuality or something, I don't know, but here she seems to be cool with it pretty fast. Also, I thought the premise would be pretty limited for a horror movie, but she manages to dismember a lot of members without actively setting out to do so. As far as genital based horror movies go, it has to be in the top three, although to be fair I've never seen Killer Condom.

RATING: 57%

Stanwell Bulldog Majestic

Every pipe smoker should own at least one bulldog, and pipe smokers of stockier build should probably have several. The Stanwell Majestic is a good choice: it's fairly light, at 1.3 ounces, it has a nice finish, and its bowl has a slight forward cant that says "I at least know what century I'm in." I have two reservations about this otherwise great pipe, and both involve the acrylic bit: the stem of the pipe is thin and brittle enough that I worry about breakage, and I'd hesitate to carry it in my pocket or bag without taking it apart first. Since the pipe has to cool for at least an hour after smoking before I can remove the bit, this is a pain in the ass. Also, the hard acrylic is resistant to wear but hurts my teeth, especially since it takes a firmer bite to hold a straight shanked pipe perpendicular to my face. This makes it tough to smoke while reading, typing, or holding a beer in each hand.

RATING: 89%

(Image from smokingpipes.com.)

Candy Eyeball Bracelet

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #2

A terrifying eye on a spooky candy bracelet! It doesn't get much more macabre than that. Every year I buy a pack of these from Target, because they start selling them in August and I like to get into the spirit of the season as early as I can. Of course, nothing gets me into the spirit of the season like a mouth full of cavities from eating pure, molded sugar jewelery. They're not particularly disgusting, so they have that going in their favor, but then again, nothing is really that scary that can either be given away at Halloween or as a treat at LensCrafters any day of the year.

RATING: 32%

This Picture Of Monstrous Teeth

Yikes! No, I'm not using your teeth-whitening product, especially when you force me to stare at a terrifying double-decker closeup of disembodied teeth every time I check my e-mail. If I click on your link I'm not sure if I'll get brighter teeth in only weeks or if a bunch of cenobites are going to tear through my computer screen and rip my flesh off. Although I guess there really isn't anything stopping both from happening, so maybe you've won me over after all, cathysteeth.com.

RATING: 22%

Chris' Teeth

So what the fuck is up with Chris Loll's teeth? Has he made some sort of Faustian bargain with the tooth fairy? I used to have nice teeth when I was younger, but then I started smoking, drinking, and grinding grains and animal parts into a fine paste before swallowing. Now I have yellow teeth like a man should. Chris' teeth ought to have their own T.V. show or something.

RATING: 90%--I haven't seen his molars and God willing I never will.

(Image from Chris Loll's facebook profile)