Batman & Robin

When Batman Forever came out in 1995, I was all in. I saw it in the theatre twice, I had the poster on my wall, I had the soundtrack, I wore Batman Forever branded gear from head to toe, and I even had one of those promotional mugs from McDonalds. And yet, by the time Batman & Robin came out in 1997, I couldn't have cared less. I didn't see it in the theatre, I didn't get the soundtrack, I couldn't give a shit about the movie. I cared so little about Batman & Robin that I realized, while I was watching it earlier this week, that I had never actually watched the movie from beginning to end before. I wish I could tell you that it's not as bad as people would have you believe, but they've pretty well got it right. Much like how Batman Returns really amped up the Tim Burton-ness of it all, Batman & Robin is swimming in Schumacher. There's more neon, more cartoony sound effects and more allusions to the 1966 TV series. Not even well thought out allusions either, they have Commissioner Gordon dressed up like he's Chief O'Hara for some reason. So, long story short, if you've never seen Batman & Robin before, don't. Or, if you have seen it and you're considering revisiting it, don't.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: When we first see Mr. Freeze in his lair, he's forcing his henchmen to watch the Rankin/Bass classic The Year Without a Santa Claus.

Batman Forever

Tim Burton's Batman films were meant, in part, to steer the conversation around Batman away from the campy 1960s TV series. Joel Schumacher's Batman Forever is clearly building off of the Tim Burton template, while also steering the conversation back towards the TV series by making everything quippier and slightly less violent. Unlike in the previous films, Val Kilmer's Batman doesn't directly kill anyone. He's not out there blowing up factories or strapping bombs to clowns, but he definitely causes some explosive car crashes and tricks Two Face into falling to his death. Chris O'Donnell's Robin wants to kill Two Face to get revenge for the death of his family, but he also manages to drop the groaner of a line, "Holy rusted metal Batman." Tommy Lee Jones's Two Face is a bit too Joker-y for me, equal parts Jack Nicholson and Cesar Romero. Jim Carrey's Riddler is peak unhinged 90s Jim Carrey. Though I did appreciate that he's essentially a prototypical tech bro. Nicole Kidman doesn't get much to do in the film, alternating between throwing herself at Batman and playing hard to get with Bruce Wayne. Joel Schumacher's sensibilities really shine through in the color palette, whenever possible the shadows are broken up with garish neon. There's a little bit of CGI in the film, which has aged poorly. And the less said about nipples on the bat suit, the better.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Batman Returns

I don't know if Batman Returns is necessarily the best super hero movie set at Christmas but it's easily the horniest one. It's also Burton AF. If 1989's Batman was a super hero movie with some Tim Burton flair, Batman Returns was a Tim Burton movie with some super hero elements tossed into the mix. Apparently, after the success of 1989's Batman, Burton only agreed to make the sequel if he was given a lot more creative control over the production. And, after rewatching the movie, I'd say he got it. At one point, there's a shot where the camera glides over the Penguin's abandoned amusement park lair and you can't help but think that was Tim Burton's whole reason for making the movie. The acting is good all around, with Michelle Pfeiffer delivering a particularly impressive multi-layered performance. Overall, Batman Returns feels like a more fully realized Batman movie than its predecessor.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas with the Joker

On Christmas Eve, the Joker breaks out of Arkham Asylum on a rocket powered Christmas tree. He takes over Gotham's airwaves in order to deliver his own twisted take on the Christmas special, "Christmas with the Joker." With the lives of hostages hanging in the balance, Batman and Robin race against time to stop the Joker's fiendish scheme. This episode is pretty fun but it is definitely not one of the better episodes of Batman: The Animated Series. That said, even a mediocre episode featuring Mark Hamill's Joker is still worth a watch. Also, I've always loved when Batman tells Robin that he's never seen It's a Wonderful Life. "I could never get past the title," he says. Classic.

Rating: Toy Soldiers%

Batman: City Of Crime

Well, what would a David Lapham book be without the constant threat of pedophilia? It's ok, but if you were a parent buying your kid Detective Comics and you happened to read the issue where a 14 year old tries to seduce Bruce Wayne and then ends up half naked and dead of a drug overdose in a hotel room, you might rethink the whole reading comics is better than television thing. Obviously, though, kids probably only make up about 5% of American comic books' audience these days anyway.

RATING: 58%

Identity Crisis

DC - "Let's hire a famous writer to write an industry changing book!"

Brad Meltzer - "I'm famous I guess. Also, you know what the DC Universe could use more of? Rape. Bam. Eisner Award."

Fanboy - "I feel terrible while I'm reading this comic, so it must be good?"

Gail Simone - *Dies*

RATING - 42%

Superman/Batman Vol. 1: Public Enemies

Since the mid 80s, Lex Luthor had been redesigned as a rich megalomaniac who would rather manipulate things through use of business savvy and politics than by putting on a ridiculous green suit of armor and punching his way to satisfaction. In the early 2000s, DC Comics even had him elected president of the United States, and the comparisons between Luthor and another dubiously elected president were unmistakable. I MEAN GEORGE W. BUSH GET IT? Anyway, in case you aren't somebody who thinks W. is analogous to a supercriminal, then you're in luck, because archconservative Jeph Loeb undid all of that in six issues and had Luthor back in his idiotic green armor and deposed as president. I guess he seriously broke the modern characterization of Luthor as a more subtle criminal and everything, but it is actually a pretty fun story if you like liking things.

RATING: 66%

Batman: Hush

I always wondered where it was exactly that Jeph Loeb went from pretty decent comic book writer to big old piece of doodie. Turns out it was somewhere around part 8 of this year long storyline from 2002-2003. The plot is a long-forgotten childhood friend of Bruce Wayne comes back into his life at the same time a mysterious new figure starts stalking Batman. I WONDER WHO IT COULD BE. The worst part is when we hear the guy's motivation - because Bruce Wayne's father saved the kid's mother from death after his parents were in a car accident he caused. Then he had to wait until he was 18 to get his parents' wealth how awful. At least Jim Lee's art is pretty.

RATING: 62%

Batman: No Man's Land Vol. 5

Finally America decides to let Gotham be a city again, all because Lex Luthor is leading the charge as the billionaire philanthropist that he is, evil laugh. While real estate fraud is exciting in comics, the best part of this collection is Joker's manipulation behind the scenes, and the final confrontation with him, Batman, and Jim Gordon. This story was done a decade ago, and Joker hasn't been used as anything more than a lackey since. While that's a shame, I guess this is as good a way to go out as any?

RATING: 86%

Comic Three-In-One

Ultimate Spider-man Vol. 9: Ultimate Six

Hey, here's a great idea for a story where the Ultimates and Spider-man team up to fight a bunch of bad guys: make it seven issues long and don't have any fighting until issue six!

RATING: 31%




Batman: No Man's Land Vol. 4

Continuing the story of Gotham being totally fucked, this one isn't too interesting apart from a classic confrontation between Jim Gordon and Batman.

RATING: 59%




Fantastic Four: Flesh & Stone

Turns out Jeph Loeb actually did jump the shark before Ultimates 3, who knew?

RATING: 45%

Batman: No Man's Land Vol. 3

This volume of No Man's Land starts to get a little weak, although it is cool because it introduces Cassandra Cain as Batgirl. Cassandra Cain was raised by an assassin who forgot to teach her how to talk while he was teaching her how to be deadly. Instead of using words to talk, she speaks in violence, so when she wants to say hello she just punches your throat I guess. I'd hate to see her try to order lunch for the office am I right. Anyway, it's a cool idea but it was abandoned soon after NML and she just started to talk like it was nothing but at least she stayed Batgirl for 10 years, or in comic world time 3.5 weeks.

RATING: 66%

Batman: No Man's Land Vol. 2

Not quite as good as Volume 1, here we just have a collection of one-shots dealing with citizens trying to survive in Gotham after it has been decimated and cut off from the rest of the USA. Ok writing, I guess, but the best story here is a single issue written by Bob Gale in which Batman has to change the way he thinks about justice and law in a city in which survival has superseded both.

RATING: 71%

Batman: No Man's Land Vol. 1

After Gotham has been ravaged by a plague and an earthquake, the government decides to bump all that noise and evacuate everybody and quarantine the city forever. Well, a lot of poor people and supervillains are left behind, and who has to clean up? Batman, and also the police I guess. This trade collects two stories, the first done pretty well by Bob Gale and Alex Maleev setting up the gang like nature of Gotham, and how the good guys have to rewrite the terms of justice in a new environment devoid of hope. The second story, by Devin Grayson and Dale Eaglesham, centers on Scarecrow and his efforts to rouse fear in a local church/shelter. As far as crossovers go, No Man's Land is one of the best, and the writers seemed to thrive working within this bleak, stripped of technology storyline.

RATING: 81%

Comic Three-In-One

Ultimate X-Men Vol. 5: Ultimate War

The Ultimates take on the X-men after Magneto blows up the Brooklyn Bridge in the name of mutantkind, and while Chris Bachalo's art is great as always Mark Millar never really tried to make any sense as to why the Ultimates went to arrest the X-Men when their enemy did something terrible.

RATING: 48%



Batman: Cataclysm

A magnitude 7.5 earthquake strikes Gotham and it's up to Batman to save it? Shouldn't Superman or Green Lantern or one of the countless other heroes with near limitless powers be helping out rather than Batman, whose only power is immense wealth, and his harem of child sidekicks?

RATING: 42%




Thunderbolts: Justice, Like Lightning...

It was a brilliant idea, in the wake of Onslaught killing most of the major Marvel heroes to create a supposed new replacement band of heroes who are revealed to be villains at the end of the first issue. Unfortunately, based on this collection it looks like the book didn't have much direction past that idea, and sort of meandered around while the "heroes" plotted to conquer the world/started to like being heroes.

RATING: 56%

Comic Three-In-One

Batman: Contagion

Batman must put a stop to an Ebola outbreak in Gotham, but shouldn't that be the CDC's job? I mean, what next, he's got to stop a snowstorm?

RATING: 22%




Darkhawk: Return to Forever

This is the point at which Darkhawk jumped the shark, or should I say the point at which Darkhawk jumped the Evilhawk.

RATING: 35%





Supreme Power Vol. 3: High Command

This collection is more stellar writing and art, but unfortunately it will be the last time the heroes' origin as an alien invasion force will ever be referenced (boo), and also the last time we'll see boobs in this comic.

RATING: 79%

Batman Knightfall Part 3: Knightsend

The conclusion to the "Knightfall" saga makes the first two parts all worthwhile. This collection begins with Az-Bat being insane and almost killing criminals while he imagines his dead father following him around, and meanwhile Bruce Wayne must fight his way through seven different martial arts masters to retrain himself. It plays like a samurai movie, and is really well done. Of course, it all ends with real Batman and Az-Bat duking it out over the course of five issues, but the action is tight and well drawn, and there's enough secondary story involving Robin and Nightwing keeping innocents out of harm's way to keep it engaging. It sucks that in order to understand the third part you'd have to read through the bad first two parts, but I guess that's life or something I don't read enough Nietzsche.

RATING: 83%

Batman Knightfall Part 2: Who Rules The Night

This isn't as much of a fiasco as Part 1, but it's not exactly graphic storytelling at its finest. It picks up where the first installment ended: Batman is paralyzed and Bane is victorious. So, Batman's student Azrael takes over as Batman while Bruce Wayne is in a wheelchair except Azrael ends up having serious anger issues and almost kills a bunch of bad guys including Bane, which to Batman is a no-no. Anyway, it's bland but I always kind of liked Mike Manley's Az-Bat armor, but then again I always kind of liked Darkhawk in case you couldn't tell, btw guess what tag this review gets even though he appears nowhere in this book.

RATING: 60%

Batman Knightfall Part 1: Broken Bat

Jesus, comics sucked in the 90s, which is weird because that is when I got interested in them. The plot of Knightfall is fairly simple: DC just made a ton of money by "killing" Superman, so they decided to break Batman's back to get real paid again. The real plot is Bane, a character made up for this story, decides for some reason he hates Batman and wants to break him by busting out every criminal in Arkham. So Batman gets way tired fighting them and then Bane breaks his back the end (or is it). I hate that they made up this awful Deus Ex Machina in the character of Bane, somebody who Batman is immediately terrified of and somebody who is automatically smarter and stronger than Batman. Why not just have some established character be the big bad? That would take too much effort? I also hate the art and writing.

RATING: 23%

Comic Three-In-One

Here's three quickie comic reviews condensed into one in case you don't care:

Star Trek: Year Four

Star Trek: Year Bore

RATING: 41%



Ultimate Spider-man Vol. 4: Legacy

More of the same, which isn't a bad thing.

RATING: 85%



Batman: Anarky

Imagine if that kid you went to middle school with who just found out about the concept of anarchy was a superhero.

RATING: 36%

The Dark Knight Returns

Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns is the definitive Batman story, the best superhero book ever written, and the 2nd best graphic novel/comic of all time. Published in 1986, the pit of the Reagan era, DKR imagines a contemporary Batman in his fifties who has been retired for ten years. Gotham is overrun by mutants who dress like bizarre funhouse versions of 80s punk rockers, news reporters who get giddy at any hint of violence or devastation, and a president (Reagan) who pushes the country to the brink of war by using his charm and the American flag as a ruse. Batman comes back from retirement to ostensibly try to change the hopelessness society is feeling, but more likely because Bruce Wayne is psychotic. Anyway, Frank Miller himself has proven himself to be legitimately insane and a hack in the two decades since DKR was published, but this is still one of the most amazing reads you'll ever have in comic book form. I never cease to be surprised by it, and you owe it to yourself and your economy to go buy a copy of it brothers and sisters.

RATING: 100%