Star Trek: The Next Generation - "Captain's Holiday"

Picard takes a vacation to that boring sex planet Risa and gets caught up in an Indiana Jones type adventure that's really more Jewel of the Nile quality.

RATING: 45%

Cinco De Mayo

Cinco De Mayo is __________ _____ _ __________ Mexico _____ ____ __ __ ________ battle ____ __ France _____ then ___ _____. ___ __ _ ______ Americans ___ _ ____ __ ___ always ___ _ _____ __ ___ ____ supremacy___ __ __ ______ __ identity ___ _ _____ __. ___ __ ________ _ ___? __ _____ __ _____ _____ ___ _____ _ __ __ _______ ____. ___ ___ ____ __ ___ ____ ______ __ __ ______ _______ __ ___ __________ _ ____ ________. ___ _ __ ____ _________ ___ ___________ ___ __ ____ ____.

RATING __%

The Post-Christmas Gut

As far as I'm concerned, the birth of Jesus, the pagan Solstice and the New Year are all celebrated the same way: by eating 5 meals a day and getting frequently and thoroughly drunk so I can stand--*cough* I mean, enjoy--the company of my extended family and in-laws. I tend to get into the festive mood around mid-December, and become serious again after January 17th (my birthday), which gives me just enough time to make a habit of living like a fucking pig. This year, I put the brakes on a little earlier due to the practical necessity of being able to fit into my clothes, but it's still gonna be a long, sweaty spring.

RATING: Turkey sandwiches: 90%
Peanut butter balls: 88%
Stolichnaya on the rocks: 80%
A good mud-wallow: 75%
Teacher's Highland Cream Blended Scotch Whiskey: 69%
Jogging pants: 43%
$9 pitchers of Moose Green: 34%
Sore hips from elliptical trainer: middle-aged woman%

(Image from www.utilitarianism.com.)

Christmas

Christmas is a holiday that has loose Christian/Pagan backgrounds, but is now mainly about buying/getting shit. A long time ago some baby was born and then people started worshipping him and his ideas (I mean, his adult ideas) about peace, love, etc. Nowadays people want to turn those ideas into all sorts of anger, but Christmas is a time when mainly it's about peace. And consumerism, but I don't think that's a bad thing like other people/television specials. Anyway, if I had to pick my favorite aspect of Christianity it would probably be Christmas thank you goodnight.

RATING: 84%

Tofurkey

Even when I was experimenting with veganism (ok so it was a two year "experiment," but whatever) in college I never bought one of these things because I heard they were gross. However, last week my roommate and his vegetarian girlfriend bought one and I ended up trying it. How was it? Well, the meaty part was nasty but the stuffing part was okay so together they added up to...um...pretty gross? And the accompanying gravy was disgusting (I gave it one taste and threw out the rest). So yeah, gross. Vegetarians would be advised to skip the fake turkey and eat more mashed potatoes.

Rating: 25% (If I was starving I'd be happy to have it, but if I was a vegetarian I wouldn't bother.)

Halloween

Halloween is the best holiday, except it's total bullshit that you don't get off work or school for it. It's great because there are skeletons and gory things on every wall, from the Mexican restaurant down the street (although if they have a really scary life size rotting bride and groom set it might get taken down, just saying), to Target, the new Wal-Mart. You can use it as an excuse to watch a lot of horror movies and nobody will think there is something wrong with you like usual. Halloween candy is not as good as Easter candy, because it's all just miniature regular candy, but you can get major deals on November 1 if you didn't pledge to stop eating candy like I did. One especially creepy thing about Halloween is if you go to a costume store and walk through the kids section, the little girls costumes are extraordinarly slutty. How old is that pumpkin girl supposed to be, anyway? If the Exorcist doesn't creep you out, I'm sure that will, so you're welcome!

RATING: 93%

Canadian Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving (Action de grâce in French) is celebrated on the second weekend in October and is not nearly as big a deal as American Thanksgiving. We don't send our kids to church dressed as turkeys or Indians or whatever it is you American freaks get up to. We take Monday off and spend Sunday night getting falling down drunk on overtaxed, watery beer like proper fucking socialists.

RATING: 94%

(Image from www.blogadilla.com.)

My 4th of July

Those last two postings made me realize that I pretty much had the greatest 4th of July ever this year. I went to brunch with friends, got to see Sonic Youth for free, ate a Cherry Garcia ice cream bar at the show, watched fire works from a rooftop, then got wasted and laughed and had a great time with my friends. I also met a cute boy who I now have a giant crush on even though he lives in Virginia and so dating him is impossible. But at least it was fun to flirt with him while getting wasted off tiny beers. All in all, a great holiday.

Rating: 91%