Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas

It's Christmas Eve at the X-Mansion. Cyclops and Rogue are trimming the tree. Jean and Gambit are in the kitchen preparing a big Christmas Eve dinner. Beast is in his lab. And Professor X is hovering by the Fire. Everyone is in good spirits. Everyone, except for Wolverine. To escape the cheeriness, Wolverine agrees to help Storm and Jubilee with some last minute shopping. Later, at an approximation of Rockefeller Center, their ice skating session is interrupted by a runaway ambulance. Our heroes discover that some Morlocks have stolen the ambulance in order to get medical supplies for Leech, a young Morlock in trouble. The X-Men follow the Morlocks into the sewer to see if they can help. Will Leech recover or will this be the saddest X-Mas yet? Spoiler alert: he recovers.

Rating: Teddy Bear%

The Small One

Back when I watched Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, I thought it was weird that anyone would bother making a special about the donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem. Little did I know that it was part of a whole genre of entertainment devoted to the story of this fabled animal. Ok, maybe "genre" is stretching it. So far, counting The Small One, I've only found two examples. But, the only thing crazier than one special devoted to a pack animal tangentially involved in the birth of the Christ child, is two specials devoted to the story of a pack animal tangentially involved in the birth of the Christ child. Animation fans should take note that Don Bluth directed this short, it was the last thing he did for Disney before striking out on his own. And people who hate Disney should know that the lyrics to one of the songs in the short were changed when it was released on home video because there were concerns that they were antisemitic.

Rating: One Piece of Silver%

Pinocchio's Christmas

At first, I thought Pinocchio's Christmas was an alternate universe Pinocchio tale but, as we come to find out at the end of the special, it's more of a side story. At the start, Pinocchio is already a walking, talking marionette but he has yet to go through any of adventures we're familiar with. Instead, we get to witness the story of Pinocchio's first Christmas. And, for some reason, that involves a fox and cat teaching Pinocchio how to lie and steal before they try to sell him into slavery. But before you feel bad for the little wooden boy, it should be said that at this point in his development, he's a real shit heel. And I think Geppetto is partly to blame. He's no disciplinarian, let me tell you. He lets Pinocchio get away with a lot. Even after Pinocchio robs a guy and takes off into the Enchanted Forest, Geppetto's out walking the streets saying that he's already forgiven Pinocchio. Jeez, now I don't feel so bad about Geppetto almost becoming whale chow.

Rating: A Poem%

(Image from Cineplex)

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie is essentially a riff on It's a Wonderful Life. It's also a real shaggy-dog story. And as much as I love the Muppets, I couldn't help but find this special to be a bit of a slog. There are several dated and unnecessary pop culture parodies throughout along with some borderline racially insensitive moments. It kind of feels like something that was developed by people who don't necessarily understand how the Muppets work. Some of the human characters are playing their parts so big and broad that it's embarrassing. Much like Kermit's vision of a world where he hadn't been born, this was a real bummer.

Rating: Chocolates%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas Story/Hash/Toys

Much like The Andy Griffith Show, Barney Miller was never a show that interested me. It would pop up in reruns all the time but I never watched it. I don't know if it was the production quality or the 70s fashions, but it just always seemed like a Dad show. And I mean that literally because my father was a fan of the show. Watching it now, I can't get over just how minimalist the whole thing was. I don't know if it was just the three episodes I watched, but the whole show plays out with only two sets. And one of those sets is just an office off of the main set. In "Christmas Story," Fish goes undercover to nab a mugger who's been targeting department store Santas. In "Hash," Wojo unknowingly brings a batch of hash brownies into the office. And in "Toys," Barney needs to balance his work life and his turbulent personal life, all while some feuding toy sellers squabble in the bullpen. Admittedly, only two of those episodes are actually Christmas themed, but I wasn't going to pass up the chance to watch Abe Vigoda act stoned.

Rating: Toothbrush%

(Image from IMDB)

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 isn't a "killer Santa" movie. In the UK, it was released as Bugs. Which makes sense because there are a lot of bugs in the movie. There are also witches and spontaneous human combustion and gender discrimination. Oh, and terrible acting, but I probably didn't need to tell you that. The movie does have a few ringers in it, though: Bond Girl Maud Adams plays a bookstore owner/witch, Clint Howard plays her homeless assistant and Phantasm's Reggie Banister plays the lead character's sexist boss. One character gets strangled to death with a string of Christmas lights, which is probably the only part of the movie that is on brand.

Rating: 30%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:
Part One - Part Two - Part Three

A Cosmic Christmas

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A young boy encounters three wise aliens who have come to Earth to discover the true meaning of Christmas. The young boy and his pet goose, Lucy, take the aliens all around town trying to show them the reason for the season. Mostly, they just encounter people being shitty to one another. I guess some things never really change. Eventually, all the townsfolk come together to rescue our lead and a punk-ass goose thief after they fall through the ice on a lake. The aliens, content that they finally understand the true meaning of Christmas, take off and everyone in town has a rip-roaring house party.

Rating: Goose Sweater%

(Image from Nelvana.com)

Twas the Night Before Bumpy

Bump in the Night was a stop-motion animated series from the mid-90s. The lead character, Mr. Bumpy, was some sort of green, bug-eyed booger monster or something. I'm really not sure. I can remember watching this show when it was first on, but I can't really remember much about it. Having just watched the series' Christmas Special, "Twas the Night Before Bumpy," I can tell you that the show was populated by various monsters and toys that lived in some unseen family's home. I'm not really sure if there was more to it than that though. In the special, Mr. Bumpy and his friend Squishington (some sort of ooze monster that lived in the toilet) traveled to the North Pole so that Mr. Bumpy could steal Santa's sack. It was a pretty standard greed = bad, giving = good story. There were some dopey songs that riffed on Christmas standards, Mr. Bumpy learned a valuable lesson and that was about it. I'm still a little confused about the whole thing.

Rating: Toy Robot%

Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town

Cobra launches a sneak attack on G.I. Joe headquarters while a bunch of the Joes are on holiday leave. Apparently Snake Eyes doesn't like to spend Christmas cooped up behind the laser defense grid. With our heroes temporarily bested, Cobra launches an attack on Keystone City using Joe vehicles. All in an effort to turn the public and the government against the Joes. The funny thing is that Cobra actually makes it to the city and does a few bombing runs before they're stopped by the Joes. The citizens of Keystone City even fall for Cobra's ruse, thinking the Joes have turned heel. The episode goes on to end without ever really resolving the issue of having a terrorist attack done in their name with their own equipment. But, being a cartoon for children, that plot point is dropped and the episode is capped off with everyone laughing and wishing one another a Merry Christmas.

Rating: Rocking Horse%

Frosty's Winter Wonderland

It might be a bit of a stretch to call Frosty's Winter Wonderland a Christmas special. The holiday isn't even mentioned by name at any point. But, Wikipedia calls it a Christmas special and I would hate to think that I wasted 25 minutes watching this thing for no reason. Winter Wonderland is a sequel to the original Rankin/Bass Frosty the Snowman special. A few years after the events of that first special, Frosty decides to make good on his promise to come "back again some day." Only this time around, Frosty seems a little depressed. The children decide that Frosty needs a wife and so they go about building him one. All the while, a jealous Jack Frost is determined to steal Frosty's magic hat and become the object of everyone's wintery affection. The kids also make a parson out of snow, who comes to life after they put a Bible in its hands. So, you know, fun for the whole family.

Rating: A Bouquet of Frost Flowers%

We Wish You a Turtle Christmas

Once, a few years ago, my nephew pointed to a picture of the Ninja Turtles and said to me, "These are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but this isn't what they look like." That's kind of how I felt while watching We Wish You a Turtle Christmas. Other than the original trilogy of Ninja Turtle films, I'm not sure that anybody ever got live-action Turtles right. They certainly didn't pull it off with this direct to video Christmas special. Which is somewhat understandable, considering the whole thing was apparently made for five grand. But, even if you can get past the crappy Turtle costumes and their toothy Cheshire Cat grins, the music will drive you insane. I know kids like garbage, but I have to assume that even the children of 1994 probably groaned and rolled their eyes at the lyric, "Deck the halls with pepperoni." And the Wrap Rap, what a bunch of crap.

Rating: Two Comic Books%

(Image from IMDB)

The Christmas Story

On Christmas Eve, Andy and Barney decide to empty Mayberry's jail so that neither of them will have to spend Christmas guarding their prisoners. Of course, before letting them go, Andy makes them all swear to come back right after the holidays. Unfortunately, Ben Weaver, the local department store owner, brings in Sam Muggins and demands that Sam be locked up for making moonshine. Despite Andy's protests and promises, Ben threatens to make trouble for Andy if he doesn't keep Sam locked up over the holidays. Andy, being Andy, decides to have it both ways. He locks up the rest of the Muggins clan, so that they'll at least be together for Christmas. And he also deputizes Opie, Aunt Bee and Ms. Ellie Walker, on account of needing some extra help to look after all the prisoners. But while all is merry and bright inside the jail, Ben seems determined to get himself locked up as well. Now, why would a fella go and do something like that?

This may have been the first episode of The Andy Griffith Show that I ever watched in its entirety. And even though I enjoyed it, I have to say that it was much hokier than I'd anticipated. I had expected Don Knotts to provide a lot of goofball charm but I was surprised to see just how silly Andy Griffith's character acted. Perhaps that was due to the jovial nature of it being a holiday themed episode or maybe that's how the character was played in its earliest seasons. After all, "The Christmas Story" was only the 11th episode out of the show's 8 season, 249 episode run.

Rating: Roller Skates%