Secret War

The story is some incomprehensible nonsense about all the tech bad guys in the Marvel Universe working for some super terrorist, so Nick Fury sacrifices... you know what? It's got some pretty painted pictures and that's about it.

RATING: 35%

Captain America: Homeland Security

This was written by Robert Morales, writer of Truth, who was supposed to have a long run on the book in which he was going to have Captain America become president. It's an interesting idea, but Marvel was like, nah, let's cancel this book and have Christopher Priest write an incomprehensible Captain America & The Falcon book instead. So all you end up having is a good story revolving around Gitmo and innocent A-rab men being dragged through Havana, then three forgettable issues to close out the run. Oh right, and art by the amazing Chris Bachalo.

RATING: 65%

Ultimates Vol. 2: Homeland Security

Mark Millar's run on The Ultimates, Marvel's updated Ultimate Universe version of the Avengers, was great. You have to get past the fact that every member of the team is an asshole and acts like they would have belonged in the Bush administration (past tense finally). For instance, this version is famous for a scene in which Captain America, after being asked to surrender by the alien big bad, says "Surrender? You think this letter on my head stands for France?" Also, they get the Hulk to attack aliens by telling him they all said he was gay. The only thing that really gives these moments a sort of pass is that I think (?) Millar is being ironic, although every book he does is like this. Anyway, the action is terrific, and the book is a very fast read thanks to Brian Hitch's exorbitant use of splash panels.

RATING: 85%

JLA/Avengers

Look, I know a lot about comic books, and even I can't really explain this one. Basically, the Justice League of America is DC Comics' main hero team, featuring Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc, and the Avengers is Marvel Comics' main hero team, featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, etc. This book written a few years ago was a big crossover event, and its plot is convoluted and incomprehensible, but what keeps this from being lame is George Perez's amazing art. Anyway, if you click on the image there and can identify more than half of the characters then maybe check out the book if you get a chance but don't call me when you're confused.

RATING: 61%

Truth: Red, White, And Black

This book posits that if there were US experiments in World War II to create Captain America out of a white person, they would probably have tested it on black people first, which isn't really too far-fetched for mid-20th Century America. I mean, the Captain America stuff is, but not the experimenting on black people. Anyway, this book was originally out of continuity, but descendants of Isaiah Bradley, the Black Captain America, are all over the place in the Marvel Universe now so it's clearly in continuity. This book is really well written by Robert Morales, but again it's the art by Kyle Baker that stands out. I've never seen anybody make white men look more evil. You should check it out, but it's a bit depressing so if you're already sad why don't you go rent UHF starring Weird Al or something instead?

RATING: 78%

Marvel: Civil War

Comic book companies know exactly how to get stupid nerds to buy comics. Just make a big fuss about a mini-series, tie every major book into the events interrupting their main stories, and claim that something big will definitely happen as a result (usually a lie). Well, this stupid nerd falls for it every time, and the awful Marvel: Civil War story was no exception. Basically what happened was some superheroes accidentally cause the destruction of an elementary school, so the government decides that anybody with powers must register with the government, train, and be on a governmental payroll to fight crime. Well, some heroes, led by Captain America, said "Fuck that!" and others led by Iron Man, said "No, do not fuck that actually that is a good idea." So they fought in weird ways for what seemed like a hundred issues (just kidding: with the amount of splash pages in these prestige format books the seven issues seemed like three, tops), and then the bad guys (Iron Man's side) won. Then Captain America got killed. Spoilers. This book sucks the end.

RATING: 37%

Captain America: Cap Lives

No, this does not have to do with the recent death of Captain America, but rather it is an alternate universe type storyline written by Dave Gibbons a few years ago in which Captain America wakes up after being frozen in ice for 20 years after the war to find that the Nazis had won World War II and his nemesis the Red Skull is the new fuhrer. Captain America leads this revolution against the Nazis, which includes pretty much every hero in the marvel universe, albeit without powers. It's kind of totally unbelievable, but it's a pretty fun four issue romp. It's available in trade if you really want to find it, but I wouldn't go through too much trouble if I were you which I'm not.

RATING: 52%