House on Haunted Hill

Five strangers are invited to a party in a haunted house by an eccentric millionaire. Each guest is promised $10,000, if they can survive the night. Are there really ghosts closing in on the partygoers or is their host... a murderer? I can see how William Castle's House on Haunted Hill might have been successful back in the 1950s. One of the film's original in-theatre gimmicks involved flying a plastic skeleton over the audience. To modern audiences, the movie will probably feel a little stiff and stagey, almost like it was the film adaptation of a radio drama. However, if you're the type of person who could go for a movie where Vincent Price sneaks around the Scooby-Doo hallways of an old dark house while dramatic thunder and lightning goes off, then this movie is for you.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

StageFright

After escaping from a psychiatric hospital, a mass murderer follows a struggling actress back to her rehearsal. With an opening only days away, the director of the production coerces some of the cast and crew into working overtime. To keep his actors from leaving, he locks the theatre and has an underling hide the key, unknowingly locking the killer inside as well. Donning the costume of the Night Owl, the maniac silently stalks the trapped troupe. StageFright is a fairly by-the-numbers slasher. It's a little late to the game, but it's well made and surprisingly gory at times. The killer's costume is decent, despite being borderline ridiculous. It's an entertaining enough movie, but it's not exactly re-inventing the wheel.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Channel Zero - No End House

Some college kids visit a traveling haunted house where apparently each room is scarier than the last and if you go past like room eight nobody ever sees you again! That's basically the creepypasta there, but you need more for six episodes so there's some good stuff about grief and some monsters who eat pomegranate memories.

RATING: 88%

Revenge of the Creature

The Creature from the Black Lagoon is captured and taken to Florida, where it's put on display at an aquarium. After a few weeks of being gawked at by yokels and prodded by scientists, the Creature breaks its chains and goes on an old fashioned killing spree. Who could have ever seen that coming? The Creature also kidnaps the pretty lady scientist who'd been studying it. From there, it's up to our man Clete (yes, his first name is Clete) to rescue the girl and get his own revenge on the Creature. Released the year after The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Revenge feels like a bit of a rush job. There's some recycled footage from the first movie in it and a few of the underwater scenes look like they were filmed in a hotel pool. But despite having been mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's not all bad. While it's definitely a step down in quality from the original film, it still has some charm.

Rating: 55%

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The Langoliers

A buncha disparate strangers including, you guessed it, an author wake up in the middle of their cross country flight to find that most of the passengers and crew and people of Earth have vanished. Luckily one of them is a deadheading pilot so he decides to set the plane down in, you guessed it, Bangor Maine to figure stuff out. Turns out they're out of sync with time and are about to be eaten by these little Pac Men creatures who clean up the past. I remember watching this as a kid and busting out laughing at how bad the CG was for the titular monsters was but figured maybe I'd be cooler with it now since even a lot of what I considered "good" CG in the 90s looks ridiculous in 2021 but no, this is still incredibly laughable. 

RATING: 31%

Killdozer

A meteorite crashes down on an island off the coast of Africa. After an unspecified amount of time, a construction crew happens upon the meteorite while working on the island. When the crew's bulldozer moves the meteorite, it emits a strange blue light, killing one of the workers. Then the bulldozer begins to operate on its own. And it seems to have a taste for blood. One by one, the crew are hunted down and killed by the machine, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds. This made for TV movie doesn't break any new ground. (Get it? It's a construction joke. No? OK, I'll see myself out.) It's basically Duel meets The Car. It's a mini Maximum Overdrive, if you will. It's an interesting artifact from a bygone era, but it's also something you've probably seen done better elsewhere.

Rating: 53%

(Image from YouTube)

DOOM Eternal

I'm not sure if I can call this game (or any Doom really) a horror game. Sure, the plot is about Hell demons taking over Earth and you're tearing zombies apart with your bare hands, but it feels more like the video game personification of a metal album. Still extremely fun even if there's one super frustrating boss.

RATING: 73%

Terror Train

Three years after an initiation prank went too far, some fraternity brothers decide to throw a New Year's Eve party on a train. Because, according to movies, this was something that people did. What they don't know is that they're not alone. Of course, they were never actually going to be alone alone on the train. It's not like these kids were going to conductor school, they're pre-med students. What I mean to say is that someone has crashed their party. Someone who just might have something to do with the prank that I mentioned earlier. Released the same year as Friday the 13th and Prom Night, Terror Train is part of the first wave of post-Halloween slashers. Setting the action on a moving train gives the film a claustrophobic tone. And even though the movie isn't shot or scripted well enough to be a proper whodunnit, Terror Train is still a must-see for fans of classic slashers.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Haunting of Hill House

Another spooky horror show is this ghosty adaptation of Shirley Jackson's classic book. It's got some sad parts and some scary parts and some long single shot parts where everybody better know all their dang lines. Come for the scares, stay for the feels, and also stay for the hidden ghosts.

RATING: 88%

Jaws: The Revenge

To take her mind off the pain of losing her youngest son, Ellen Brody travels to the Bahamas to spend time with her family. She becomes convinced that the shark who killed her son has followed her to the Bahamas to take revenge on the rest of the Brody family. And even though everyone around is her is 100% in the right to think she's losing her mind, the shark has actually followed her and does make some attempts to kill the rest of her family. The whole thing is kinda stupid. It might have been better if it had been a TV movie. Jaws: The Revenge really had no business trying to be a summer horror movie. It's a movie about generational trauma and grief. There's nothing particularly fun or sexy about that. But, perhaps, worst of all is the fact that the shark in the movie looks terrible. It looks like a wet cigar awkwardly gliding through the water. It's laughably bad.

Rating: 54%

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Dolores Claiborne

A fancy New York City writer has to return home to, you guessed it, rural Maine whenever her mother is accused of murder. Well, no biggie, I'm sure everybody's parents have been accused of murder at least once, except this is the (gasp) second time she's been accused of murder, ulp! The first was when her mother was accused but never charged of killing her abusive husband when the fancy writer was just a little girl. This is one a those non-horror Stephen King movies and it's pretty good thanks to Kathy Bates, though the overwrought Danny Elfman score almost ruins it.

RATING:  77%

Cat People

Oliver and Irena meet one day at the zoo. Their chance encounter by the panther cage soon blossoms into romance. Before long, they're married. But all is not well for the newlyweds. Irena is troubled. Something from her past is haunting her. A terrible secret that begins to drive a wedge between Irena and her husband. Something that no one else could possibly understand. Something that could kill them all. Cat People might be the classiest horror movie I've ever seen. It's practically not even a horror movie. If it weren't for the fact that a woman transforms into a panther and kills people, it would almost be film noir. It's a fantastic looking movie, 1940s styles and designs drenched in expressionistic shadows. It's a slow burn but it has atmosphere up the wazoo.

Rating: 71%

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Layers of Fear 2

The first Layers of Fear was a terrifying blast, so of course I leapt at the chance to get the sequel (when it was on sale for five bucks cuz I'm a video game cheapskate). It's more of the same sorta surreal goofin I loved from the first one, but it's nowhere near as scary. I dunno if that's because I played this one on XBox and the first one on PC (something about slouching in front of a small screen vs relaxing in front of the big TV), or maybe it's just not as good. But hey, it's got Tony Todd!

RATING: 61%

Spookies

Spookies, like so many other terrible horror movies, has a cult following. It might have something to do with the long-held belief that Spookies had actually been assembled from two separate, unfinished movies. The truth, much like the movie, is far less interesting. Spookies started out as a haunted house movie called Twisted Souls. At some point during the editing stage, it was decided that a significant portion of the movie would be reshot and the plot of the movie would be made far less coherent. The final product combines the haunted house footage with a storyline about a wizard (?) who is killing people to keep his bride alive. To give credit where credit's due, the movie is jam packed with practical special effects. They're kinda hokey for the most part though, almost like they're from a lower budget Full Moon Features flick. Mercifully, the movie is only 85 minutes long.

Rating: 49%

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Channel Zero - Candle Cove

The premise of this show is that each season is based off of some old creepypasta. Sounds terrible, but this show is amazing. The first season centers around a creepypasta I remember from the early or mid 2000s about a mysterious kid show broadcast that maybe or maybe not was real, and also a monster made of teeth. Adding to the whole eerie atmosphere is the fact that they shoot the show in Manitoba which is like some weird simulacrum of western society. 

RATING: 83%

The Revenge of Frankenstein

Having escaped the guillotine, Baron Frankenstein sets up shop in a new town under an alias. The arrival of an eager pupil allows him to expand the scope of his experiments. And soon enough, another creature is born. But what starts out as an advancement in science quickly becomes another threat to all mankind. The Revenge of Frankenstein is definitely a step down in quality from its predecessor. The new creature isn't anywhere near as effective or iconic as Christopher Lee's monster in The Curse of Frankenstein and the sequel's bare bones story isn't very compelling either. However, Peter Cushing's performance as Baron Frankenstein is top notch once again. He carries these films.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Mangler

 An industrial laundry press starts getting an appetite for low wage workers, but inspectors can't shut it down because the boss of the laundry factory (Robert Englund) is loaded. I mean loaded with money not booze. Luckily local detective Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs is on the case, with his spooky brother in law as a sidekick. When I was a kid watching this I always thought when the machine gets up and chases the characters near the end the CGI was really hokey, but now that it's a quarter century old I can forgive it I guess. The rest of the movie isn't that interesting even though it's directed by Tobe Hooper, though where else are you gonna see a showdown with a laundry press? Well, except for this movie's sequels I mean.

RATING: 54%

The Premature Burial

The first two films in Roger Corman's Poe cycle had been moneymakers for American International Pictures (AIP), but a dispute over the profits prompted Corman to go independent for The Premature Burial. Leaving AIP meant that Corman couldn't use Vincent Price, so Ray Milland was cast in the lead role. As the story goes, the heads of AIP came to set on the first day of shooting to wish Corman well and to let him know that they had bought out his financiers, putting his film back under the AIP umbrella. The Premature Burial is stylistically similar to Corman's previous Poe pictures: lots of fog, a suspenseful score and the expressive use of colors. Ray Milland is quite good in the lead role, it's honestly hard to picture Vincent Price playing the part. The movie has a nice slow build and a great third act.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Resident Evil VII: Biohazard

You hear from your long vanished wife that she's being held captive and wants you to rescue her so you head on up to a dilapidated abandoned mansion deep in the Louisiana Bayou. If that wasn't creepy enough, you better believe it's chock full a some Texas Chainsaw family loving crazies who want to kill and or befriend you! It's fun and creepy but I really think there must be more than seven (er, VII) of these Evil Residents at this point in time.

RATING: 74%

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

Freddy's Dead is the Scary Movie of the Elm Street series. Everything in the movie is a joke. Each kill sequence is packed with big Looney Tunes gags. There's virtually no atmosphere or suspense in the film. It's pretty much just comedy and violence. And additional back story. We can't forget about that. This time around, it turns out that Freddy was once a family man with a wife and a daughter. And when the parents of Springwood killed Freddy, he was granted his powers by dream demons. Because somebody felt that part of it needed to be explained. The Nineties was a tough time for horror movies.

Rating: 61%

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The Shawshank Redemption

In this, everybody who doesn't like horror movies' favorite Stephen King movie, a dude goes to jail for a crime he didn't commit and learns a thing or two about life and love and friendship and whatnot. How come if every single person in the whole country knows prisons are cruel places we never really get any sort of prison reform off the ground? Morgan Freeman obviously steals the show in this one but everyone's great. And sorry this isn't a "horror movie" but it would be horrorble to be sentenced to life in prison for a crime you didn't commit.

RATING: 89%

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

Despite being gunned down by cops and falling into a mine shaft, Michael Myers manages to elude death at the end of Halloween 4. In a series of events that no one could have possibly predicted, Michael silently crawls away to the safety of a hobo's shack. There, he receives the best possible health care a hobo could offer. A full year passes before Michael wakes up and gets back to doing what he does best. Only Dr. Loomis and Michael's niece Jamie are willing to believe that Michael has returned, while everyone else in Haddonfield has gone back to doubting them. Two things really stood out to me while watching Halloween 5 this time around: the mask and the music in the movie are terrible. I'm pretty sure that they've used a different mask in every one of the movies so far, but the mask in Halloween 5 is distractingly bad. The movie's score is really weak as well. The iconic Halloween theme is barely used and there are a number of moments where Michael emerges from the shadows in complete silence. Part of what makes these movies work is the way the score is used to ratchet up the tension. I guess nobody bothered to tell Alan Howarth that. Halloween 5 ends with Michael Myers being broken out of jail by a mysterious man in black. Surely we can all agree that this surprising turn of events will lead to another exciting and enjoyable installment in this series.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Carrie (The Book)

I figured after watching three adaptations of this, Stephen King's first novel, I oughtta maybe give it a read. You all know the deal - a high school girl who is bullied winds up gearing telekinetic powers and kills everyone RIP. Maybe what you didn't know is in the book she kills like everyone everyone. The whole town of 500 people wind up dead! Also the book is half epistolary which is kinda cool.

RATING: 71%

Critters 4

In the year 2045, the crew of a deep space salvage ship pick up a mysterious, drifting pod. Its contents: a bumbling bounty hunter from Earth and the last two remaining Critter eggs. After the eggs hatch, it's anyone's guess as to what will kill the crew first: the Critters, a decaying nuclear reactor, or the shady mega-corporation that will stop at nothing to acquire the Critters. Filmed back-to-back with Critters 3, Critters 4 definitely has some low budget stink on it. What ultimately saves the movie is the acting talent on hand. The small cast includes a few ringers, like Brad Dourif and Angela Bassett. The sets and production design are also very well done. Unfortunately, there just isn't enough Critter action in the movie. The eggs don't hatch until a third of the way through the movie and there's rarely more than two Critters on the screen at any time.

Rating: 65%

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Layers of Fear

 

For the past decade or whatever I've mainly been chiming in here to review a movie or 15 at Halloween season. Well there's other scary things out there too like for example video games. In this one you play a maybe alcoholic composer who's going craaaaaaazy. It's one a those walking simulator type video games where you don't really have much to do, but it's real spooky and surreal so give it a shot why not?

RATING: 81%

Prom Night III: The Last Kiss

Prom Night III is essentially a toothless, gender-swapped parody of Prom Night II. In Prom Night III: The Last Kiss, the ghost of Mary Lou Maloney haunts a high school student named Alex. Setting off a string of spooky murders, which put a real damper on Alex's relationship with his milquetoast girlfriend. Whereas, in Prom Night II, the ghost of Mary Lou Maloney haunted a high school student named Vicki. Which set off a string of spooky murders that put a real damper on Vicki's relationship with her milquetoast boyfriend. Of the two, Prom Night II is easily the better film. That's not to suggest that it is in any way a good movie, but at least it has the decency to be batshit-insane. Prom Night III is more like a direct to video American Pie sequel. It's cheap, winking, horndog goofery.

Rating: 49%

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The Stand

The government fails to stop the spread of a lethal flu virus (uh oh) and soon 99% of everybody is a rotting corpse on the side of the road. The survivors get some dreams transmitted into their heads about a nice old lady in a cornfield and a mean dude who can turn into a crow, so they all start trekking across the country and teaming up. There is a poet who is a real jerk (surprise surprise) and it is funny when he gives the woman he stalks a copy of his latest publication "that only pays in contributor copies." Hey, too real dude! For a six hour network television adaptation of a six zillion page novel it's pretty good, even with the most literal deus ex machina ending you'll ever see. 

RATING: 78%

Leprechaun 2

Leprechaun 2 was the last of the Warwick Davis Leprechaun films to be released in theaters. Not surprising really, as it's a very cheap looking film. It seems ready-made for VHS. Watching the movie at any higher resolution doesn't do it any favors. There's also nothing connecting Leprechaun 2 to the original film, other than the fact that Warwick Davis is essentially playing the same character in both movies. The Leprechaun in Leprechaun 2 doesn't even have the same weakness as the Leprechaun in the original. In the first film, the Leprechaun could only be harmed by a four-leaf clover. In Leprechaun 2, the Leprechaun's only weakness is wrought iron. Even though it's pointless to expect a horror franchise to maintain its continuity over time, it's clear that the people behind Leprechaun 2 didn't make any effort to connect the film to its predecessor.

Rating: 53%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Tremors

The isolated town of Perfection, Nevada is besieged by graboids, deadly underground worm monsters with a taste for human flesh. With help out of reach, a group of scrappy locals must band together to fight off the subterranean terrors. Tremors takes an old timey B-movie premise, amps up the action and throws in some top-notch practical effects. It's a well shot, well paced and especially well cast movie. It's also a lot of fun. Did it need to be followed by six sequels? No, probably not.

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)