Don't Go in the Woods

aka Don't Go in the Woods... Alone!

Don't Go in the Woods is, essentially, about four campers getting stalked by a maniac in the mountains. And if I were to describe the movie in one word, that word would be "amateurish." Bad acting, crappy music, incomprehensible action, incompetent camerawork, and strained attempts at humor. The folks at Troma and the Asylum can rest easy knowing they make better movies than Don't Go in the Woods. In the interest of full disclosure, I did enjoy the scenery and one of the sets. Run, don't walk, away from this movie.

Rating: 42%

(Image from IMDB)

Stand By Me

 A group of four preteen boys hear about a kid's dead body and decide to hike to it in order to be heroes and/or get on tv. Along the way they learn a little bit about life and struggle and puking after a pie eating contest. It's got a great set of 80s kid actors (River Phoenix, Wil Wheaton, Corey Feldman, and Jerry O'Connell) who do a real good job goofin and cryin. I do question the frame of the author writing about this adventure, though - what does that add to the story? The ability to tell us who lived and who died? Like, why not add a narrator to a movie about King Arthur? "Everybody died a thousand years ago, deep." Also as a kid my neighbor and I used to blast the oldies soundtrack to this flick while drawing our own versions of Wacky Packages.

RATING: 83%

The Spider

aka Earth vs the Spider

As far as giant insect movies from the 50s go, The Spider is average at best. It's really only notable because it was produced, directed and featured special effects created by Bert I. Gordon. Gordon was one of the many B-movie auteurs of the 50s and 60s. His gimmick was big stuff. Big monsters, big people, big bugs. You get the idea. He used a lot of process shots, rear projection and forced perspective tricks. He wasn't known for his screenplays, if you hear what I'm saying. It's fitting that The Spider was one of several Bert I. Gordon films featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was practically tailor-made for the MST3K format.

Rating: 59%

(Image from IMDB)

Maximum Overdrive

 

A comet's tail covers Earth in space dust, bringing all machines to life! Well, not *all* machines, since a gun is a machine and those seem fine, but probably best not to think about whatever spurious iotas of science may or may not exist here. A rag tag group of strangers including Lisa Simpson, Gus Fring, and Emilio Estevez wind up trapped by a bunch of 18 Wheelers in a truck stop, sort of like a car version of Night of the Living Dead. People (including Stephen King, who wrote, adapted, and directed the movie) hate this one, but I think it's great - it'll kill anyone (including children), and the broad daylight that most of the movie takes place during gives it a very different feel than any other 80s horror flick. 

RATING: 79%

Dagon

A boating accident leaves a young couple stranded in a remote Spanish fishing village. Right away, the couple notices that the locals all look and sound rather strange. Something fishy seems to be going on, literally. If you're familiar with Stuart Gordon's adaptations of H.P. Lovecraft's stories, it should come as no surprise that this movie quickly gets weird, gross and sexual. The practical special effects still look pretty good but the CGI in this movie has not aged well.

Rating: 62%

(Image from IMDB)

Silver Bullet

 

A vicious serial killer is terrorizing a small town, but if that's not bad enough what if it's a werewolf kind of serial killer cuz it is! Of course the only person who believes that is a troublemaking kid with a souped up wheelchair and his drunk uncle. In movies they're always melting down jewelry to make silver bullets but how pure exactly does the silver bullet have to be to work? Couldn't it just be silver tipped to save some money?

RATING: 68%

Cat's Eye 

Killer Crocodile

You get to see a lot of the crocodile in Killer Crocodile. A surprising amount, really. There's a daytime shot of the crocodile in the first minute of the movie. In fact, there are a lot of daytime shots of the crocodile. There are a lot of closeup shots as well. They don't make the crocodile look any more believable but, at the same time, it was honestly refreshing to see a Jaws rip-off that showed off so much of its killer critter. And it's quite fitting to call this a rip-off, John Williams should have sued the pants off the people behind this one.

Rating: 60%

(Image from IMDB)

Tales From the Darkside - "Word Processor of the Gods"

 

A writer with such an awful life is gifted a word processor (an old shitty computer that only had like Microsoft Works) by his dead computer whiz nephew. Turns out anything he types comes true, which is good for him because it allows him to erase his nagging wife and guitar playing son without a second thought! I haven't read the short story in a quarter century or so but I don't remember it being so nihilistic.

RATING: 48%

The Pit and the Pendulum

After the success of House of Usher, American International Pictures (AIP) were eager to make another movie based on the works of Edgar Allan Poe. Roger Corman, using many of the same people (and sets), brought The Pit and the Pendulum to theaters a little more than a year after House of Usher was released. With Vincent Price, once again, top billed, The Pit and the Pendulum continued the moody, gothic style of House of Usher. Pendulum tweaked the formula somewhat with psychedelic silent film techniques and slightly more sadistic and shocking violence. It would go on to be even more successful than House of Usher, prompting AIP to double down on Corman's Poe gamble. AIP and Corman would go on to make another six* Poe-inspired films over the next three years.

Rating: 66%

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*seven, if you count 1963's The Terror

Firestarter

 

When I was ten and "not allowed to read Stephen King" I borrowed this book from a friend and felt like a real little badass secretly reading it at night, except I only got like 50 pages in because it was tres boring. It's about a little girl who has pyrokinetic superpowers and the government is after her and her pops because she's very dangerous and or useful. I am not supposed to think this, but I do kinda agree with the evil government agency here - you can't have some eight year old with anger issues just wandering around blowing things up with her brain! Much like the book the movie is mostly boring except for an amazing final action scene where the little girl totally loses her shit on some secret agents. 

RATING: 61%

Children of the Corn: Runaway

If I was feeling generous, I would tell you that Children of the Corn: Runaway isn't so much a horror movie as it is a psychological thriller. A methodical, minimalist meditation on trauma and family. A rustic, windswept tone poem. And if I wasn't feeling generous, I would tell you that the movie is a total snooze fest. A bare bones bore. Just another unnecessary entry in an already lackluster franchise. "It's not good," I would say. "I wish they would stop making these."

Rating: 49%

(image from IMDB)

Children of the Corn

 A couple is taking a shortcut through the rural back roads of Nebraska when they hit a child with their car, yikes! Don't worry, though, the kid was already murdered when they hit him, they swear, officer. When they try to get help they wind up in a quaint little town where all the kids have murdered the adults so they can have their own quasi Christian corn cult. I think there's some kind of creature but the effects of the movie limit it to some flashing lights that eat up whoever's being sacrificed. In movies whenever a couple rescues a kid from some horrible traumatic thing they're always like "you can stay with us now!" Like I know you just went through some serious shit but you gotta at least fill out a form or two for that to happen! 

RATING: 57%

Quammy's Take

Christine

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

According to some very cursory internet research, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child has the lowest body count of the entire Elm Street franchise. Only three horny teens get killed in the movie. Freddy still manages to get lots of screen time though. He's big and cartoony in the movie, punctuating most of his sentences with, "bitch!" The plot, so much as there is one, hinges on Freddy using Alice's unborn baby to reach more victims. There's also some callbacks to story elements introduced back in Dream Warriors. The effects hold up pretty well. The series is definitely past its prime by this point, but Dream Child is still watchable.

Rating: 67%

(Image from IMDB)

The Dead Zone

 A school teacher gets coma'd by a car accident and when he wakes up five years later his daggum girlfriend has left him and is married with a kid. Also he's got the ability to see the future by touching a person, a common side effect. He uses said power for the usual - stopping needless deaths, solving a serial killing, and preventing a murderous populist presidential candidate from destroying the whole planet Earth. 

RATING: 74%

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

If you thought Dr. Loomis and Michael Myers died in the explosion at the end of Halloween II, then Halloween 4 is here to tell you, "it wasn't as bad as it looked. They're doing just fine." The Halloween franchise never was a stickler for continuity. 1988's The Return of Michael Myers plays out almost like a remake of the original Halloween, except in this movie everyone believes Dr. Loomis and takes the threat of Michael Myers seriously. Halloween 4 also amps up the action with lots of guns and explosions. The movie ends with Michael being gunned down by cops and then falling into a mine shaft, which then collapses on top of him. And, as we all know, the only way a guy could survive something like that would be if, say, a hobo came upon his body and, like, nursed him back to health over a period of months or something. And, I mean, what are the chances of that happening?

Rating: 68%

(Image from IMDB)

Cujo

 

A nice dog gets bit by a rabid bat and turns into a not so nice dog. Well I coulda guessed that, his name is Cujo! Oh, this movie/book established that name as the evil dog standard, oops. The movie has a sort of modern independent horror feel because most of it is a mother and her toddler stuck in a Pinto as they are terrorized by the dog. The kid is a really good actor too - instead of that cliche "mommy I'm scared" sorta thing he is just screaming and hysterical the whole time. Once I was nannying a kid and I heard a woman screaming for help so we walked over and a dog had chased her up on top of a car. Dogs are scary! But I probably shouldn't have walked over to help a screaming woman while holding a three year old even though everybody was ok in the end. Anyway even though he's a murderer you gotta feel bad for Cujo - it's not his fault his owners didn't get him a rabies shot after he got bit by a bat. 

RATING: 71%

The Shining

Creepshow

Critters 3

Tagline: You are what they eat

Critters 3... Which one is that one? Oh, that's right. It's the one that has Leonardo DiCaprio in it. It was his first movie. And even though that's a piece of film trivia he'd probably love if we all forgot, he's really only a side character in the movie. The lead of Critters 3 is Annie, a young woman struggling to keep her family safe after some Critter eggs hatch in their apartment building. In some ways, it's a lot like *batteries not included. Except, of course, in this case the aliens are trying to murder the building's residents. But, other than that, they're very similar movies. 

Rating: 63%

(Image from IMDB)

Salem's Lot

 

An author returns to a town he lived in a couple years as a kid in order to write about a spooky old house. Turns out the spooky old house is filled with damn vampires! Well, a vampire, but he keeps making new vampires. It's a two part TV miniseries so watching its three hours in one go is a bit, hmmm, excruciating, but I thought the vampire kids scratching at the window was scary. 

RATING: 53%

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Prom Night II

aka Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night II was never supposed to be Prom Night II. The movie was originally called The Haunting of Hamilton High. It was only after some extensive reshoots that it became part of the Prom Night franchise. But despite the reshoots and new title, the final product has almost nothing to do with the original Prom Night. And I couldn't be happier about it. Not since Howling II have I seen a movie so utterly and hilariously bizarre. I'll give it this, it's never boring. Any time you think things are about to get predictable, the movie takes a very strange turn. A lot of really strong, strange choices were made during the various stages of production on this movie and I applaud those choices. Bravo, you maniacs. Bravo.

Rating: 52%

(Image from IMDB)

Leprechaun

Leprechaun is basically the poor man's Critters. It repeatedly rips off Gremlins, it's kinda corny and it looks cheap. That said, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn't good by any means, but it also wasn't terrible. Was it poorly written? Yes. Was it poorly lit? Very much so. Did the costumes fit the actors? Not always. And it also wouldn't have been weird if the movie had been bookended with appearances from the Crypt Keeper. But other than that, it was reasonably tolerable. And you can quote me on that. It's probably safe to assume that the franchise doesn't get any better from here.

Rating: 58%

(Image from IMDB)

Planet of the Spiders

On a tip from Mike Yates, Sarah Jane Smith sets out for the countryside to investigate the goings on at a Tibetan meditation centre. Meanwhile back at UNIT HQ, the Doctor's experiments with ESP and telekinesis take a strange turn after his test subject comes into contact with a blue crystal from Metebelis Three. The serial that follows ends up being an excellent send-off for the Third Doctor. It's practically a highlight reel of his era with gadgets, cars, appearances from UNIT, mentions of past companions, displays of Venusian aikido, and on and on. Planet of the Spiders really brings the Third Doctor era to a nice, tidy conclusion.

Rating: I would appreciate it if you'd shut up for a moment%

The Monster of Peladon

The Doctor brings Sarah to Peladon, eager to find out how things have been on the planet since his last visit. Unfortunately, the TARDIS overshoots the mark, arriving some fifty years after the Doctor intended. Peladon is once again in turmoil. A civil war threatens to break out and the deadly specter of Aggedor looms over everyone. If The Monster of Peladon is remembered for anything, it has to be for its terrible wigs. The previous Peladon serial, The Curse of Peladon, established that the people of Peladon have weird two-tone hair. The costume department really leaned into that choice in Monster of Peladon and they gave the miners bizarre badger-like afros. They are rather ridiculous. Also, the Doctor seemingly dies several times during this serial. Possibly to soften the blow for what's about to come around the corner. 

Rating: I've always been very keen on survival%

Night Patrol

Imagine combining Mad Magazine with Benny Hill and the slapstick parody comedies of Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker. Then imagine taking most of the comedic talent out of that mixture. The end result would be something like Night Patrol, the hilarious* police comedy from the director of Blood Diner. If you thought Police Academy was too highbrow, you'll love Night Patrol. It's dumb and dated and vulgar. As far as this movies goes, if I could just get up on my high horse for a second, it's not a case of "they don't make 'em like this anymore." And more of a case of, "they shouldn't have made 'em like this at the time."

Rating: 48%

(Image from IMDB)

* Not hilarious

Death to the Daleks

All tuckered out after the Invasion of the Dinosaurs, the Doctor proposes a beach holiday on Florana. While en route, the TARDIS experiences a catastrophic power failure and crash lands on the planet Exxilon. Something on the planet seems to be draining the electrical energy from anything that gets too close. The Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith join forces with the crew of a marooned Earth vessel and a group of Daleks to find a way off the planet. The Doctor knows he can't trust the Daleks, but he and his companion are practically helpless against Exxilon's hostile natives. Does a mysterious, technologically advanced city hold the key to escaping Exxilon? Of course it does, why else would I bring it up? There isn't much to say about this serial. It's not bad, but there really isn't much to it. Also, you could take the Daleks out entirely and it wouldn't make a lot of difference.

Rating: It's a silly question%

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Hard Ticket to Hawaii is the story of a drug enforcement agent and a woman in the witness protection program who run a small, but profitable, cargo plane company who run afoul of a drug smuggling ring. It's also the story of a cable TV sports reporter. And it's also also the story of a deadly "contaminated" killer snake on the loose. It's basically three or four movies crammed on top of one another and smothered in softcore nudity. It's full of terrible dialogue, corny jokes and ridiculous explosions. I laughed, hard, several times while watching this movie. I'm not proud of myself.

Rating: 55%

(Image from IMDB)

Invasion of the Dinosaurs

Sarah and the Doctor return from the Middle Ages to find London nearly deserted. The city is under martial law. Only the army and some stray looters remain. As the Doctor and his newest companion soon discover, central London has been invaded... by dinosaurs. Invasion of the Dinosaurs is a very ambitious story. The dinosaur puppets aren't very convincing. Many of the sets wobble whenever anyone opens or closes a door. And the real meat of the story is both anti-authoritarian and a subversion of the environmentalist ideals we saw back in The Green Death. It's a great serial but, because of all those flaws, it is something that you have to be willing to meet halfway.

Rating: I'm never wrong%

Joysticks

Jefferson Bailey's arcade is the place to be. The nerds love it, the punks love it and, most importantly, the babes love it. In fact, it seems like the only one in town who doesn't love the arcade is local business man Joseph Rutter. Rutter and his two blundering nephews will stop at nothing to close down the arcade. It's up to Jefferson Bailey and his employees to save the arcade, snag the babes, and finally defeat King Vidiot in an epic video game duel.

And if you've read this far, it should come as no surprise that it isn't a very good movie. It's fitting to call it an exploitation film. It's dumb and it's sleazy and it isn't very well made. It's surprising that they were able to get permission to use Pac-Man so prominently in the movie. If you're into character actors, it's worth noting that Joe Don Baker and Jon Gries (The Monster Squad) are in the movie. Other than that, I can only recommend it to hardcore connoisseurs of 1980s trash.

Rating: 52%

(Image from IMDB)

The Time Warrior

Doctor Who wasn't supposed to be a show about monsters. The whole idea of the Doctor having a time machine was that it would allow the program to set adventures during historical periods, lending the show an educational element. Thankfully, audiences didn't care too much for the history lessons. They wanted to see monsters. And so, by the fourth season, the historical stories were largely dropped. The Time Warrior isn't a straight historical story though, it follows in the pseudo-historical footsteps of The Time Meddler. The Doctor and his new companion, plucky reporter Sarah Jane Smith, go back to the middle ages to find out who's been abducting scientists from UNIT's top research facilities. Once there, they discover Linx, a Sontaran warrior who's crash landed on Earth. It makes for an entertaining serial and a great debut for both Sarah Jane Smith and the Sontarans.

Rating: I'm very fond of delta particles%

The Green Death

The Green Death begins with our happy UNIT family all moving in different directions. Jo is consumed with the environmental work of Professor Jones. The Brigadier is investigating the mysterious deaths of some coal miners in Wales. And the Doctor wants nothing more than to take the TARDIS on an expedition to Metebelis Three. But, this being a television show, it's no surprise that all of their individual pursuits eventually coalesce. The Green Death is a top tier Third Doctor serial, in my opinion. It hits all the marks of the Pertwee era. There's cheesy special effects, fisticuffs, explosions, and some low key silliness. It also has one of the greatest endings of any Doctor Who serial so far, with the Doctor bidding a bittersweet farewell to his companion Jo Grant.

Rating: I'm quite spry for my age, actually%

Planet of the Daleks

Planet of the Daleks is occasionally dismissed by reviewers for being somewhat of a retread of the first Daleks story. They're not wrong, but I still enjoyed Planet of the Daleks far more than Frontier in Space. Written by Terry Nation, the creator of the Daleks, Planet of the Daleks has interesting locations, characters, and plot developments. And our main characters are only captured and imprisoned briefly. This could have easily been a standalone story, the connections to Frontier in Space are minimal. My one complaint: the Spiridons sound too much like the Ice Warriors. 

Rating: That's nice%

Frontier in Space

Frontier in Space is easily my least favorite Third Doctor story so far. It's barely even a story. I've read some reviews that praise this serial for embracing space opera elements, but I think that's horseshit. Frontier in Space is basically a series of holding cells. The Doctor and Jo are imprisoned several times in at least five separate locations across the six episodes. And while I recognize that getting captured is one of the show's most well-worn tropes, this serial just takes it too far. Also, this story is meant to connect to the following story, Planet of the Daleks, but it's set up in an incredibly lazy way. Other than a brief mention that the Master is acting on another party's behalf, the Daleks are only seen in the last ten minutes of the sixth episode. Frontier in Space doesn't even really have a proper ending. The Master shoots the Doctor, the Doctor and Jo escape in the TARDIS and we never find out what happens to the Master, the Doctor's friends or the looming war between Earth and Draconia.

Rating: You're wasting your time%