Batman & Robin

When Batman Forever came out in 1995, I was all in. I saw it in the theatre twice, I had the poster on my wall, I had the soundtrack, I wore Batman Forever branded gear from head to toe, and I even had one of those promotional mugs from McDonalds. And yet, by the time Batman & Robin came out in 1997, I couldn't have cared less. I didn't see it in the theatre, I didn't get the soundtrack, I couldn't give a shit about the movie. I cared so little about Batman & Robin that I realized, while I was watching it earlier this week, that I had never actually watched the movie from beginning to end before. I wish I could tell you that it's not as bad as people would have you believe, but they've pretty well got it right. Much like how Batman Returns really amped up the Tim Burton-ness of it all, Batman & Robin is swimming in Schumacher. There's more neon, more cartoony sound effects and more allusions to the 1966 TV series. Not even well thought out allusions either, they have Commissioner Gordon dressed up like he's Chief O'Hara for some reason. So, long story short, if you've never seen Batman & Robin before, don't. Or, if you have seen it and you're considering revisiting it, don't.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: When we first see Mr. Freeze in his lair, he's forcing his henchmen to watch the Rankin/Bass classic The Year Without a Santa Claus.

The Sun Makers

The TARDIS touches down on Pluto. Expecting only a barren planet, the Doctor is surprised to find that Pluto has been thoroughly terraformed and industrialized. The Doctor and his friends soon discover that most of the people on Pluto are living under the oppressive thumb of "the company." With only a small group of rebels living in the tunnels under the cities. Our heroes join up with the underground and launch a rebellion against "the company," so that everyone might have the chance to breathe freely under Pluto's six artificial suns. The Sun Makers is a good serial marred by low production value. Some of the sets look very unique and elaborate while others look incredibly bland and unfinished. And they're all poorly lit. I liked the script and the characters and some of the production design but this has to be one of the cheapest looking Doctor Who serials I've ever seen.

Rating: I always whisper when I'm opening safes%

Bloodsport

US Army Captain Frank Dux is traveling to Hong Kong to compete in an underground fighting tournament known as the Kumite. When he gets back to the States, he'll either be in handcuffs or a coffin. Bloodsport starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. Coming soon to a TV near you.

Bloodsport, JCVD's first starring role, is a lot of fun. If you can get past some of the weaker acting and the formulaic plot, there's lots to enjoy. The supporting cast includes Donald Gibb (aka Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds), Bolo Yeung and Forest Whitaker. That's right, Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker is in this movie. The fighting is well done across the board, but my favorite part of the movie might be the montages. There are so many montages. There's a montage at the beginning of the movie, introducing the audience to some of the various fighters we'll see later competing at the tournament. There's an extended flashback/origin story montage for Frank Dux, showing us how he came to learn martial arts and his reasons for entering the Kumite. There are also competition montages, chase montages and there's even a sad bus ride montage. And, in case you were wondering, JCVD does the splits in this movie not once, not twice, not thrice, but seven freakin' times.

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Better Off Dead

Lane Myer, played by John Cusack, gets dumped by his girlfriend, sending him into a suicidal depression. And the laughs just keep coming. No, seriously. Better Off Dead is Savage Steve Holland's debut feature film. A sort of surreal "Mad Magazine Guide to Teenage Depression." Much like his second film, One Crazy Summer, Better Off Dead is filled with cartoony visual gags and wacky character actors. It's a bit of a shaggy dog story, with several vignettes that don't really advance the plot. But that's part of the movie's charm. If nothing else, you need to know that this movie features a sequence where a stop motion animated hamburger rocks out to a Van Halen track. Because if that doesn't pique your interest, nothing will.

Rating: 77%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Amanda Wyss, who played Lane's ex-girlfriend Beth, also played Tina in the original A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Batman Forever

Tim Burton's Batman films were meant, in part, to steer the conversation around Batman away from the campy 1960s TV series. Joel Schumacher's Batman Forever is clearly building off of the Tim Burton template, while also steering the conversation back towards the TV series by making everything quippier and slightly less violent. Unlike in the previous films, Val Kilmer's Batman doesn't directly kill anyone. He's not out there blowing up factories or strapping bombs to clowns, but he definitely causes some explosive car crashes and tricks Two Face into falling to his death. Chris O'Donnell's Robin wants to kill Two Face to get revenge for the death of his family, but he also manages to drop the groaner of a line, "Holy rusted metal Batman." Tommy Lee Jones's Two Face is a bit too Joker-y for me, equal parts Jack Nicholson and Cesar Romero. Jim Carrey's Riddler is peak unhinged 90s Jim Carrey. Though I did appreciate that he's essentially a prototypical tech bro. Nicole Kidman doesn't get much to do in the film, alternating between throwing herself at Batman and playing hard to get with Bruce Wayne. Joel Schumacher's sensibilities really shine through in the color palette, whenever possible the shadows are broken up with garish neon. There's a little bit of CGI in the film, which has aged poorly. And the less said about nipples on the bat suit, the better.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Image of the Fendahl

A group of scientists, working in secret, think they may have made a discovery that will forever rewrite man's understanding of evolution. Instead, they have uncovered something that will threaten all life on Earth. Image of the Fendahl isn't the most original story. It feels like it's borrowing from serials like The Dæmons, The Seeds of Doom and The Masque of Mandragora, among others. And yet, it's a really fun story. My favorite of this season, so far. The tone, the setting and the characters are all on point. The plot is a little scattershot, but it doesn't really matter. The monsters are a little dodgy looking too, imagine a snake with dreadlocks, but they're still leaps and bounds better looking than the monster from The Invisible Enemy.

Rating: Good morning, ladies%

Hard Target

Chance Boudreaux, a down on his luck merchant seaman, is hired by Natasha Binder to find her missing father. Together, they uncover a ruthless organization that's been hunting homeless veterans on the streets of New Orleans. Hard Target is John Woo's first (and possibly best) American film. And you'll know it's a John Woo film because of the doves and the fact that the entire third act of the movie is one big chase/shootout. Jean-Claude Van Damme is in peak physical form in the film, delivering countless kicks. His acting is a little stilted, but thankfully Lance Henriksen and Wilford Brimley are there giving deliciously over the top performances. Also, if you've ever wanted to see JCVD bite the rattle off a snake, this is the movie for you.

Rating: 73%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Ski Patrol

A greedy real estate developer hatches a scheme to steal a profitable ski lodge away from Pops and his beloved, but wacky, Ski Patrol. Ski Patrol and its much hornier counterpart Ski School come from the mysterious era at the beginning of the 1990s, when the 1980s hadn't quite died yet. It's neon and big hair as far as the eye can see. What sets Ski Patrol apart from similar films is the cast. The movie features performances from Martin Mull, Ray Walston, Paul Feig, T.K. Carter, and George Lopez, among others. Made by some of the folks behind the Police Academy series, Ski Patrol is packed with gags and hijinks. The sitcom-y score is aggressive at times, desperately underlining some of the jokes with bass riffs and saxophone squeals. And like so many films from its time, the "ethnic" humor now sticks out like a sore thumb.

Rating: 68%

(Image from IMDB)

Fun Fact: Ski Patrol features not one, but two Friday the 13th alumni. Roger Rose was in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives and Leslie Jordan was in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.

Black Christmas (2006)

2006's Black Christmas takes the premise of the original 1974 film, amps up the violence, expands the backstory and fails to create much in the way of suspense. It ends up being a fairly standard post-Scream slasher from the early 2000s. It's clear that the filmmakers had a lot of affection for the original film but, for whatever reason, the end result is somewhat unnecessary. The killer's backstory is gratuitous in a number of ways and might be the worst part of the movie. But, it's not all bad. The performances are all well done, some of the twists work, some of the kills are cool, and it was nice to see Andrea Martin in the film.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Oftentimes in Rankin/Bass specials, Santa Claus is depicted as being somewhat temperamental. In 1974's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, a skeptical letter to the editor pisses Santa off to the point where he turns his back on the entire town of Junctionville. All of the town's letters to Santa get returned unopened and the townsfolk start freaking out. To get back into Santa's good graces, local clock maker Joshua Trundle convinces the town to build a giant singing clock that will play a special song for Santa at the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve. By Rankin/Bass standards, that's a fairly straightforward narrative. Did I mention that the clock maker has a mouse apprentice? And it was the mouse's son who wrote the letter that pissed Santa off?

Rating: A Clock%

(Image from IMDB)

Home Alone

A few years ago, my sister decided to show Home Alone to her kids. They loved it, which is hardly surprising. Home Alone is a rollicking power fantasy for children. She did, however, have to explain to them what a VHS tape was. Ah, the passage of time. Watching the movie again, for the first time in many years, I appreciated how well the premise was set up. There’s a lot going on in that first act, but it’s very well executed. Kevin comes off a little brattier than I remembered, which makes sense because I was probably around the character’s age when I last watched the movie. I won’t lie, I got a little misty eyed when John Candy showed up. His scenes with Catherine O’Hara were definitely a highlight for me. The movie squeezes in a lesson about the importance of family, but it’s never cloying or maudlin.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: John Heard and Daniel Stern were both in C.H.U.D.

John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together

The Muppets did two tv specials with John Denver: 1983's Rocky Mountain Holiday and 1979's John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. A Christmas Together has never been released on home video. It's fallen into that murky grey market of television curiosities from the 1970s. I like to think that dorky Muppet fans (much like myself) are drawn to the special much like Star Wars diehards are drawn to the Star Wars Holiday Special. Having seen both, I feel like I can definitively say that John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together is better than the Star Wars Holiday Special. A Christmas Together isn't anything amazing but it has its moments. My only real complaint is that it's more of a John Denver special than a Muppets special. The Muppets are featured extensively, but it really feels like it's a John Denver special first and foremost.

Rating: Wooden Soldiers%

(Image from Amazon)

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

By the time "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" aired in 2001, Family Guy had already survived one cancellation and was a few months away from being cancelled for a second time. If you weren't a regular viewer back in the day, you might not even be aware of the show's past scheduling woes. Especially since Family Guy is currently in the midst of its 21st season. "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" finds the Griffins in the midst of the holiday rush. Lois is determined to have a nice family Christmas but Peter's laziness and the machinations of the plot leave the family with no gifts, no turkey and a burnt up Christmas tree. Luckily, some Christmas cheer and a high powered tranquilizer dart set everything straight again. And a Merry Freakin' Christmas was had by all.

Rating: Plutonium%

The Cabbage Patch Kids First Christmas

After learning about Christmas, the Cabbage Patch Kids decide to leave the secret cabbage patch and head into the big city to see the Christmas Spirit for themselves. They're followed by the evil Lavender MacDade and her henchmen, Beau Weasel and Cabbage Jack. At first, Lavender wants to capture the Cabbage Patch Kids and put them to work in her mine. Once she reaches the city, Lavender then decides that the kids could become her own little pickpocket army. While trying to evade Lavender and her goons, the Cabbage Patch Kids meet Jenny, a lonely orphan. The Cabbage Patch Kids then make it their mission to find Jenny a new home. In 1984, when this special first aired, sales of Cabbage Patch Kids dolls and merchandise were over two billion dollars worldwide. The market was clearly white hot for all things Cabbage Patch Kids related. According to Wikipedia, when this special aired, it was the top-rated show in its time slot. Watching it now, nearly forty years later, it seems like the people behind the special knew that they could put anything on the screen and it would have been a success. There were definitely a number of things in the special that didn't make any sense to me. Why wasn't Xavier taking better care of the Cabbage Patch Kids? Why were Lavender and her thugs able to shapeshift? Did Colonel Casey get offended when the Kids cooked a turkey? Why did I watch this?

Rating: A Wallet%

(Image from IMDB)

Jolly Old St. Dick

I definitely watched 3rd Rock from the Sun for a chunk of its six season run back in the day, but very little of it has stayed with me in the years since. I've actually tried to revisit the series after seeing it pop up on various streaming services, but I found the show's aggressive laugh track to be distracting. However, while watching "Jolly Old St. Dick," I couldn't help but appreciate the show's pacing and jokes per minute ratio. With the four main characters each getting a plot thread, plus appearances from half a dozen supporting characters, it's a wonder that the show wasn't a jumbled mess. As a youngster, I was in a school play about aliens coming to Earth and learning the true meaning of Christmas, so it was especially nostalgic for me to watch this episode where the alien leads get to be confused, excited, frustrated and ultimately delighted by the whole Christmas experience.

Rating: Travel Mug%

It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown

You might be surprised to learn that there have been at least four Peanuts Christmas specials. I know I was. But after watching It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, I can understand why this fact isn't more well known. That's not to say that It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown is bad, it's just nowhere near as good as the perennial A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's Christmastime Again doesn't have much of a story. It feels like a lot of disjointed vignettes that have been haphazardly collected. It's also lacking in memorable songs and iconography. There's nothing in this special that really stands out. Nothing that makes it especially special.

Rating: Gloves%

Christmas is Where the Heart Is

Carl and Steve head out to do some last minute shopping on a stormy Christmas Eve after Carl accidentally destroys the crystal music box he bought for Harriette. On their way home from the mall, Carl and Steve get stuck on the subway after the power goes out. Steve's efforts to improve everyone's mood with singing and Christmas cheer are initially met with condemnation and (sitcom appropriate) threats of violence. "Christmas is Where the Heart Is" is mainly focused on Carl, Steve and the other stranded passengers. The rest of the Winslow family, at least those still on the show, are featured but have little involvement in the story. And, sadly, Waldo Geraldo Faldo is once again absent.

Rating: 20 Pound Dumbbell%

Batman Returns

I don't know if Batman Returns is necessarily the best super hero movie set at Christmas but it's easily the horniest one. It's also Burton AF. If 1989's Batman was a super hero movie with some Tim Burton flair, Batman Returns was a Tim Burton movie with some super hero elements tossed into the mix. Apparently, after the success of 1989's Batman, Burton only agreed to make the sequel if he was given a lot more creative control over the production. And, after rewatching the movie, I'd say he got it. At one point, there's a shot where the camera glides over the Penguin's abandoned amusement park lair and you can't help but think that was Tim Burton's whole reason for making the movie. The acting is good all around, with Michelle Pfeiffer delivering a particularly impressive multi-layered performance. Overall, Batman Returns feels like a more fully realized Batman movie than its predecessor.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Legend of Frosty the Snowman

Everything is exactly as it should be in the town of Evergreen. Then, one day, an old silk hat blows into town. Suddenly, children are breaking curfew and horsing around. Rumors of a magical snowman begin to circulate. Civil unrest starts to foment. It's up to little Tommy Tinkerton to discover the truth behind the legend of Frosty the Snowman. Of all the Frosty specials I've seen so far, I probably hated this one the least. At just over an hour, it's too long. Thankfully, the animation looks good, the voice acting is on point and there aren't a ton of annoying songs. To date, The Legend of Frosty the Snowman is the last sequel to the original Rankin/Bass Frosty the Snowman special. So, Happy Birthday to me, I guess.

Rating: Corn%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas with the Addams Family

I guess the joke with the Addams Family, at least in the original TV version, is that despite their odd proclivities, they're actually a very close, loving family. Case in point, in "Christmas with the Addams Family," after a neighbor tells Wednesday and Puglsey that there's no Santa, the rest of the family fall all over themselves getting dressed up as Old Saint Nick to preserve the children's innocence. That's standard family sitcom fare through and through. Sure, the characters reference having a two-headed cousin, but that's just window dressing on an otherwise ordinary plot. I grew up watching reruns of The Addams Family, so I found this particular episode charming. It probably won't inspire any memes, like the new Wednesday series on Netflix, but the original series is still bewitching.

Rating: Bow and Arrows%

The Invisible Enemy

On the way to their base on Titan, a shuttle crew is infected by a mysterious entity calling itself the Swarm. The infected crew begin preparing a breeding ground for the Swarm, so that it might begin its conquest over all other living things. When the TARDIS passes by, the Doctor is also infected. Only Leela appears to be immune to the Swarm's influence. The Invisible Enemy isn't a great story. It's not particularly original, as it seems to borrow elements of Genesis of the Daleks and The Ambassadors of Death. The serial's production value is a bit of a mixed bag as well. Most of the sets are well made but the costumes and visual effects are all pretty lackluster. The Invisible Enemy is notable, however, for the introduction of K9, a robotic dog companion. It doesn't take long for Leela and K9 to strike up a friendship and the scenes of the Fourth Doctor interacting with K9 as if it were a real, flesh and blood dog are pretty funny.

Rating: Some of my best friends are humans%

Day of the Animals

Day of the Animals is not a sequel to 1976's Grizzly. Same producer, same director, a few of the same actors, released the following year. Sure, but it's definitely its own thing. Day of the Animals asks the question, "What if, instead of making Jaws, we made The Birds?" In the movie, a group of hikers fight for their lives after the depleted ozone layer causes animals to go crazy and attack people. And you better believe this movie is chock full of animals. There's tons of gorgeous second unit animal footage and a surprising amount of footage of trained animals interacting with/attacking the actors/stunt doubles. If nothing else, I will tell you that this is a movie where a bare chested Leslie Neilsen both throttles a child and wrestles a bear. If that doesn't pique your interest, then you and I are very different people.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Scream (2022)

Scream 4 was all about remakes, whereas 2022's Scream is fixated on the concept of the legacy sequel. A franchise extension that establishes new characters and creates new storyline opportunities for the series. While, at the same time, finding convoluted new ways to tie itself back to the mythology of the previous films and generate a means to trot out a number of familiar faces. Thankfully, it's still a Scream film, so there's a prominent monologue that happily points out the movie's own bullshit. Making another Scream film, without Wes Craven, was always going to be a risky maneuver but it's actually handled pretty well here. The performances are good all around and the new Gen Z characters are never irritating. The film's preposterous premise and meta approach to fan culture might divide some audiences but if you put on this movie hoping to see Ghostface stab the shit out of some people, you won't go away disappointed.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Barbarian

 

In 2022 people are always like “This is groundbreaking horror nobody’s ever seen” and then it’s like a women is r*ped and tortured in horrible ways. This movie was still pretty decent and did interrogate the trope but not as wild as I was led to believe.

RATING: 73%

Island of the Fishmen

A lifeboat drifting in the Caribbean Sea lands on an uncharted volcanic island. The survivors, a military doctor and some prisoners, are immediately attacked by grotesque, bipedal fishmen. Those lucky enough to escape their first encounter with the fishmen soon find the island's other inhabitants: a wealthy brute, his servants, a beautiful woman, a disgraced scientist and a voodoo priestess. The scientist believes that the fishmen are the next phase of human evolution, while his benefactor only sees the fishmen as a means to salvage treasure from the sunken city of Atlantis. Island of the Fishmen is a little slow at times and features a couple instances of animal cruelty that likely weren't simulated, which is par for the course for Italian genre films of the time. The fishmen look pretty good, almost like a cross between a CHUD and the Sea Devils from Doctor Who. For the film's US release, Roger Corman's New World Pictures added a new opening and changed the title to Something Waits in the Dark. The film's sleazy trailer featured footage from Humanoids from the Deep, another New World Pictures release that featured killer fishmen. After Something Waits in the Dark bombed, the movie's title was changed to Screamers. Infamously, the trailer for Screamers was made up of gruesome footage shot by Jim Wynorski, none of which was added into the movie.

Island of the Fishmen

Rating: 61%

Screamers (Currently available to stream on Tubi)

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Lights Out

 

A monster ghost is haunting a mother so her kids decide to take action. Turns out the monster can only strike in the dark, so might I suggest moving to a city where there’s never any dark even at night? This is the sort of movie that has a great concept and some cool ideas for scenes, but overall the execution is terrible. Too many cuts, too many musical stingers. It’s like it doesn’t trust itself! Anyway I’d be down for a remake by a competent director.

RATING: 31%

Uninvited

A bunch of Spring Breakers end up on a Wall Street tycoon's yacht with a deadly, mutated cat. It's simultaneously better and worse than it sounds. When the cat isn't killing people, they use a real cat. A big, fluffy, orange cat. It's not menacing in any way. But, when it's killing time, they use an unconvincing cat puppet with a second unconvincing cat puppet coming out of the first cat puppet's mouth. Now, if that description of the cat puppets didn't make a whole lot of sense to you, rest assured that seeing it for yourself in the movie won't make very much sense either. Let's just say that Uninvited is not a good movie, but it definitely is a good time. The practical special effects in the movie are particularly bloody and over the top. The acting isn't great, but the movie does feature performances from character actor icons George Kennedy and Clu Gulager. George Kennedy sleepwalks through his performance. Clu Gulager, on the other hand, makes some big choices with his part. I laughed a lot while watching Uninvited. It's going on my list of favorite bad horror movies, right next to Prom Night II.

Rating: 59%

(image from Wikipedia)

Rockula

 

A dweeb vampire has a girlfriend who keeps getting murdered on Halloween whenever she meets him and then reincarnated to start all over again. Well how do ya win over a woman who dies when she meets you? You start a rock band! He also raps! The movie is charming but it would be a definite classic if the songs were any good. It’s got Bo Diddley, Toni Basil, and Thomas Dolby for Christ's sake!

RATING: 58%

Bad Ronald

Ronald Wilby is the weird kid on the block. Living alone with his overprotective mother, he spends a lot of his time fleshing out a fantasy realm of his own making. After being rejected by a crush and taunted by some peers, Ronald bumps into Carol, a young girl from the neighborhood. At first, Ronald brushes off Carol's insults but things turn violent after Carol starts insulting Ronald's mother. He pushes Carol and she ends up hitting her head on a cinder block, dying from the impact. Ronald panics and buries Carol's body in a shallow grave before returning home and confessing to his mother. Ronald's mother concocts a plan to hide Ronald inside their home by sealing off a bathroom and building a secret passageway through the pantry. Their plan works perfectly until Ronald's mother dies and the house is sold to a new family. Ronald's total isolation and growing detachment from reality reach a fever pitch after he becomes obsessed with the youngest daughter of the family who have moved into his home. Released as an "ABC Movie of the Week" in 1974, Bad Ronald has maintained a cult following over the decades. It's a little campy by today's standards but it's still worth checking out.

Rating: 69%

(Image from IMDB)

The Sadness

 

Sorry I missed a day - I was too busy to watch any spooky movies. Well let me make up for it with this parade of brutality! A government mismanaged response to a pandemic (lol oops) and everybody gets a plague that turns them into murder and sex crazies. On Shudder they had a special warning about gore and violence that they never do (it’s Shudder ffs) if that gives you any idea about how off rails this movie is. 

RATING: 79%

Dracula's Daughter

Dracula's Daughter more or less picks up where the original Dracula ended. Police arrest Von Helsing after finding him standing over the corpse of Count Dracula. Since nobody believes in vampires, Von Helsing is charged with murder and forced to prepare a defense. To represent him in court, Von Helsing enlists the aid of his friend and former pupil, Dr. Jeffrey Garth. Garth agrees to help Von Helsing despite the fact that he is a psychiatrist and not a lawyer. While all of that is going on, we're introduced to Countess Marya Zaleska, Dracula's titular daughter. The Countess steals and destroys Dracula's body, believing that it will cure her of the curse of vampirism. When that fails she turns to Dr. Garth, under the assumption that the Doctor can cure her of Dracula's influence. And when that fails, she kidnaps the Doctor's assistant in order to force Garth into joining her forever as a member of the undead. Dracula's Daughter is probably best remembered today because of its hints of lesbianism. Being that they appear in a movie from the 1930s, these hints of lesbianism are not particularly progressive. Overall, the movie is talky and slow and it fails to live up to the gothic moodiness of its predecessor.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)