Dracula (1979)

Instead of being set in the late 1800s, 1979’s Dracula moves the story ahead to the Edwardian era, just before World War I. It’s still the same story you’ve always known, only now with more gramophones and automobiles. And, while people have always found Dracula sexy, this film might be the first mainstream adaptation to really amplify the “romantic” elements of the story. When Lucy and the Count get down, there’s some seriously 70s mood lighting going on. But don’t worry, it’s not all heaving bosoms, several people get their throats ripped out and you’ve got Donald Pleasence and Laurence Olivier running around trying to kill vampires. So, there’s something for everyone.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Horror of Frankenstein

The only Hammer Frankenstein film not to feature Peter Cushing in the lead role, The Horror of Frankenstein is a ribald retelling of the classic Frankenstein story. In this version, the Baron Frankenstein is a cold, cruel genius hellbent on advancing his experiments and bedding down any and every woman who strikes his fancy. The Horror of Frankenstein is trashy, but mostly in the heaving bodice sort of way. The violence level is limited to severed limbs and bright red blood. The film’s pacing is a little slow and it’s about an hour into the movie before the monster is created, so most of the action takes place in the third act. It's not the worst entry in the series, but if you’re going to watch a Hammer Frankenstein film, you’re probably going to want to watch one of the ones starring Peter Cushing.

Rating: 63%

(Image from IMDB)

Fun Fact: Kate O'Mara, who played Alys the housekeeper, played the Rani on Doctor Who and David Prowse, who played the monster, played Darth Vader in the original Star Wars trilogy.

Halloween II (2009) – Director’s Cut

The director’s cut of Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is a mixed bag. Some of the changes in the director’s cut improve the film, while others are really unnecessary. There’s an additional scene during Laurie’s escape from the hospital that fixes a confusing edit in the theatrical cut, but it’s so outlandish that it also kind of spoils the “it was all a dream” reveal at the end of the sequence. There are more scenes of Laurie in therapy which help to explain her mental state. There’s also an entire subplot about Laurie and Annie’s strained relationship, which goes a long way to explain Laurie’s weird waking nightmare about murdering Annie while dressed up as a young Michael Myers. Loomis is an even bigger prick in the director’s cut. And there are even more scenes featuring Sheri Moon Zombie, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. There’s a different cut of Sheriff Brackett’s reaction to seeing Annie’s dead body, which is a real bummer because it’s awful. It might be the worst thing Brad Dourif has ever done in a film and it pains me to say that. The ending is also different. Instead of seeing Laurie take out Michael inside the shack, Michael busts through a wall and gets gunned down by the cops. It feels like Rob Zombie was going for something like the ending of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid or The Wild Bunch, but it actually comes off as an inferior retread of the ending to The Devil’s Rejects.

Rating: 54% 

(Image from Wikipedia)

Halloween II (2009)

aka H2

When I sat down to rewatch Rob Zombie’s Halloween II, it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen the movie since it was originally in theatres. Back then, I took umbrage at being asked to show ID at the movie theatre. Now, as an elderly man, no one ever asks me to show ID. One time, a few years ago, I thought I was going to have to show ID and so I asked the young woman at the counter if she needed to see my ID and she kind of did a soft little chuckle to herself before assuring me that it wasn’t necessary. I don’t think she did it to be mean, but, if I’m being honest, it kind of destroyed me a little bit. That was probably ten years ago now, and still that wound has never fully healed. Ah, the sands of time. How they slip through our fingers. But I digress. Having rewatched Halloween II, I’m not sure if it was meant to be a passion project for Rob Zombie or a giant middle finger to anyone who criticized his first Halloween film. Maybe, it’s both. Either way, the Rob Zombie of it all has been significantly amped up for the sequel. The Laurie Strode character went from being a realistically human character spouting unrealistic dialogue to what I have to assume is a stand-in for Sheri Moon Zombie. And while I might be willing to believe that Michael Myers somehow survived getting shot in the face at the end of the first movie, you’ll never convince me that Laurie, a young woman in 2009, wore Kiss t-shirts and had a poster of Alice Cooper in her bathroom. The first hour of Halloween II is focused on the aftermath of the events from the first film. A bleak where-are-they-now for the survivors. Which will be confusing if you didn’t watch the director’s cut of Rob Zombie’s first Halloween. I can definitely remember thinking, “wait, I thought Loomis died in the last one.” Well, in Rob Zombie’s H2, Loomis is very much alive and everyone hates his guts. He doesn’t have much impact on the plot, so I have to assume he’s there just because Rob Zombie wanted to work with Malcolm McDowell again. The last forty-five minutes of the movie hew closer to a typical slasher movie. The finale hints at a possible new direction for the series, but it would seem that this particular pocket of the Halloween franchise has truly been abandoned. Props again to Rob Zombie for some great casting choices including, but not limited to, Howard Hesseman, Bill Fagerbakke, Margot Kidder, Caroline Williams, Octavia Spencer and Sean Whalen.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Scream 7

Sidney’s daughter, Tatum, is now 17 years old. The same age Sidney was when the Ghostface killer went after her and her friends. Despite her best efforts to put the past behind her and shield her family from her past traumas, Ghostface isn’t quite done with Sidney yet. Who’s behind the mask now, is it one of Tatum’s friends or has someone from Sidney’s past returned from the dead? After two leftfield sequels and boatloads of behind-the-scenes drama, Scream brings everything back to square one. While this entry in the series doesn’t get too bogged down going over “the rules,” the characters keep bringing up Sidney’s absence from Scream VI. Gale Weathers and the Meeks-Martin twins return again but don’t really have much impact on the plot. While the public reception for Scream 7 seems to have been at least somewhat negative, I thought it was still better than Scream 3.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Leprechaun: Origins

A group of college students are backpacking through Ireland when they stray from the beaten path to check out a sleepy little village in the country. At the pub, they meet Hamish, who offers to show them some of Ireland’s oldest historical relics. What the kids don’t know is that they’re actually being offered up as sacrifices to a leprechaun. Dun dun duuun! Is Leprechaun: Origins a dumb movie that tries to rip off Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Predator and Tremors? Yes, yes it is. Is it the least Leprechaun-y Leprechaun movie? Also yes. However, it may surprise you to learn that Leprechaun: Origins might be the most well-made movie in the Leprechaun series. Am I saying that it’s a good movie? Hell no. There’s just an incredibly low bar to clear when it comes to quality in the Leprechaun franchise. Find out for yourself. Or don’t. That’s fine too.

Rating: 57%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell

After a team of researchers in Nunavut are mysteriously killed by an unseen creature, a plucky young intern suggests that it looks like the work of Graboids. One phone call later, Burt Gummer and his estranged son are on a plane to the Canadian Arctic. Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell is very similar to Tremors 5: Bloodlines, while simultaneously serving as quiet remake of the original Tremors film. And even though there technically aren’t any new evolutions/variations of Graboids featured in the film, the Graboids in A Cold Day in Hell are able to launch themselves out of the ground and fly through the air like the sandworms in Beetlejuice and Dune. The effects are almost entirely CGI, though there are a few practical explosions and lots of viscera being splattered all over the cast. At various times, it seems like the film is setting Jamie Kennedy up to become the franchise lead for future sequels, but a quick Google search reveals that he isn’t even in the follow up to A Cold Day in Hell.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines

After one of their kin gets arrested, a trio of inbred mutant cannibals descend upon the small town of Fairlake, West Virginia. With most of the local law enforcement busy at a nearby festival, only the Sheriff, a drunk and a group of college students are left to defend the police station against the cannibals’ onslaught of violence and destruction. Moving the action out of the deep woods and into civilization makes for an enjoyable twist on the Wrong Turn formula. As does the inclusion of Doug Bradley in the role of Maynard Odets, patriarch of the cannibal clan. But, while those updates to the formula are refreshing, this is still a Wrong Turn movie filled with cheap looking special effects, dumb characters and gratuitous nudity. Wrong Turn 5 borrows heavily from classic siege movies like Rio Bravo and Assault on Precinct 13, along with horror staples like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Motel Hell and Saw.

Rating: 58%

(Image from IMDB)

Howling IV: The Original Nightmare

Not a remake or a reboot, Howling IV: The Original Nightmare is a slightly more faithful adaptation of The Howling’s original source novel. In this version, author Marie Adams heads off to a remote cabin in the woods after she experiences some strange visions. Splitting her time between trying to repair her strained marriage and helping her new friend Janice, Marie discovers that the town she’s staying in might just be full of werewolves. As far as werewolf movies go, Howling IV is pretty light on werewolves overall. I thought maybe they were skimping on werewolf footage in the movie to avoid a harsh rating but, in the third act, there’s a five minute sequence where a character’s flesh melts off into a goopy puddle. It’s gross and it goes on for a long time. Way longer than any scene in the movie that actually features a werewolf.

Rating: 40% 

(Image from IMDB)

The Final Conflict

aka Omen III: The Final Conflict

Damien Thorn, now 32, is tapped to be the American Ambassador to the United Kingdom. His first mission: prevent the second coming of Christ. Meanwhile, a group of priests plot to kill Damien before he can fully ascend to power. Now, this might sound like an odd thing to say about a movie where dozens of newborn babies get murdered, but The Final Conflict is actually kind of tame when compared to the first two Omen films. Likely because of all the baby murdering, most of the kills are either implied or happen off screen. There’s a pretty gruesome suicide early in the film but there’s relatively little to no gore after that. Sam Neill is good as Damien, but the Omen series was built on a killer kid foundation, so having a middle-aged Damien doesn’t hit in quite the same way. Also, Jerry Goldsmith’s score, which was so memorable in the earlier films is entirely forgettable in this entry.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Urban Legends: Final Cut

After talking to a helpful security guard, Amy Mayfield finally decides on a premise for her thesis film: a serial killer whose murders are based on urban legends. Trouble is, once filming begins, Amy’s cast and crew start getting killed off. Urban Legends: Final Cut, while a decent campus-based slasher, really plays it fast and loose when it comes to structuring the kills around urban legends. Most of the kills are on theme, often mirroring the kills featured in the film within the film. That said, some of the kills are just kills for kills sake. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I think we can all agree that a slasher movie needs plenty of kills. It’s just that when you’re making a sequel to an urban legend themed slasher, you really ought to stay on brand more. I mean, the movie’s not called Urban Legends and Then Some: Final Cut, am I right?

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

[Rec]

While taping an episode of the show While You’re Sleeping, Angela and her cameraman Pablo tag along with some firefighters on a medical emergency call. Things quickly spiral out of control after the woman they’ve come to help attacks one of the police officers who has responded to the call. When the firefighters attempt to get the injured officer out, they soon discover that the building has been sealed from the outside. The authorities refuse to let anyone out of the building, citing the need to prevent a deadly infection from spreading. Before long, all hell begins to break loose as the infected start to attack the residents and the responders. [Rec] is a very well made found footage zombie movie. It’s fast paced with great gore effects. There’s some complicated lore that gets parcelled out over the course of the movie, but it never bogs things down. The runtime is fairly short but once the movie finds its groove, it’s a bloody bullet train racing towards a killer final shot.

Rating: 77%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Hard Boiled

Tequila, a “shoot first, ask questions later” style Police inspector, is forced to team up with an undercover cop to take down a group of gun smugglers. Along the way, they might even learn to trust one another. Hard Boiled was John Woo’s last epic Hong Kong action film before making the transition to Hollywood. As far as Woo’s Hong Kong masterpieces go, Hard Boiled is the only one that feels like it’s taking a little inspiration from American action films. A few of the set pieces feel inspired by Die Hard and the sax drenched score is giving serious Lethal Weapon vibes. But make no mistake, Hard Boiled is still peak John Woo heroic bloodshed, with plenty of grand action set pieces and a third act that is almost entirely shoot outs.

Rating: 83%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Awakening

On a trip to visit Tegan’s grandfather, the Doctor actually manages to get the TARDIS to take everyone to the correct time and place for a change. However, after escaping from a crumbling church, the Doctor and his companions are arrested by some 17th Century soldiers. It turns out there’s a war game going on in the village and everyone is taking it very seriously, a little too seriously perhaps. Has the historical re-enactment brought about some collective madness or is there something far sinister lurking in that decaying church? So far in the Fifth Doctor’s run, two-part stories have been a bit of a mixed bag. Black Orchid largely worked by telling a smaller story, while The King’s Demons suffered from trying to cram ten pounds of crap into a five-pound bag. Even though the plot of The Awakening is far from watertight, so much so that even the Doctor can’t explain why some things happened the way they happened, the pacing is brisk and all of the supporting characters are well defined.

Rating: Now everybody stay perfectly calm and still%

Amazon Women on the Moon

A loose compilation of sketches lampooning modern life and entertainment, Amazon Women on the Moon is one of those movies that “they just don’t make anymore.” Not so much because of the content, though some of it runs a little edgy and risqué, but mostly because they don’t really make theatrically released comedies anymore. And, similarly, sketch comedy films have been largely absent from theatres since their heyday in the late 70s. Amazon Women on the Moon incorporates contributions from five directors, including Joe Dante and John Landis. And, as the opening credits inform us, it features ‘lots of actors.’ Even though it’ll never be on the Mount Rushmore of 80s comedies, Amazon Women on the Moon still contains a few great gags.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Legend of Drunken Master

aka Drunken Master II

After attempting to get around paying customs on some ginseng, Wong Fei-hung stumbles into a plot to smuggle valuable artifacts out of China. Using his drunken boxing skills, Wong Fei-hung tries to put an end to the cultural theft and fight for the rights of some local steel mill workers. How is the smuggling related to the labor dispute? Don’t worry about it. All you really need to know is that this movie is full of great fight sequences. It's nearly 80% action set pieces, with each one getting a little bit bigger than the one that came before. For example, if fighting an axe gang isn’t enough for you, how would you feel about a big showdown over hot coals?

Rating: 82%

(Image from Amazon)

Warriors of the Deep

After an encounter with a military drone, the TARDIS arrives at an underwater missile base. Before the Doctor can get started on repairs, the base is attacked by Silurians and Sea Devils. With the base’s forces outgunned, the Silurians and the Sea Devils begin their countdown to the complete destruction of all life on Earth. Warriors of the Deep plays like a Second Doctor “base under siege” story, only bleaker. Despite a strong script, Warriors of the Deep struggles in the special effects department. It’s pretty clear that all of the actors playing monsters are having a hard time moving around in their costumes. The Sea Devils have been redesigned, with them now wearing Samurai armor for some reason. Warriors of the Deep is a good story overall, even with its dark and abrupt ending.

Rating: Perfect. Almost%

Meatballs Part II

There’s trouble at Camp Sasquatch when the camp across the lake, Camp Patton, threatens to revoke Camp Sasquatch’s access to the lake. What’s a Summer Camp without a lake? Going for a Hail Mary, Coach Giddy strikes a deal Colonel Hershy, whichever camp wins the Champ of the Lake boxing match at the end of the Summer wins the rights to the lake. After Camp Patton takes out Boomer, Camp Sasquatch’s boxing hopeful, it’s up to a juvenile delinquent counselor-in-training named Flash to save the day. Spoiler alert: he gets some help from a visiting alien named Meathead. Meatballs Part II is a goofy 80s comedy that wants to be edgy and raunchy at times but never crosses the PG line. The cast includes Richard Mulligan, Kim Richards, John Larroquette, Paul Reubens, Archie Hahn, Jason Hervey and Donald Gibb. Meatballs Part II is a dumb movie filled with tons of gags, many of which have not aged well, but it maintains an easygoing charm.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: In one scene, some of the campers are seen watching director Ken Wiederhorn's 1977 Nazi zombie movie Shock Waves.

Above the Law

Nico Toscani is one of the toughest cops on Chicago’s vice squad and he’s aiming to put away Tony Salvano, one of the city’s most notorious drug dealers. But, when the feds get involved, Salvano walks and Nico is told to stay away. Refusing direct orders, Nico stays on the case and soon discovers that Salvano is mixed up in more than just drugs. With each new clue in the case leading back to Nico’s time in the CIA. Above the Law, Steven Seagal’s debut film, is a decent movie that is clearly working very hard to set up Seagal for success. The opening mixes details of Seagal’s own life into his character’s backstory, establishing Nico Toscani as a super badass with an unflinching moral compass. The film’s Chicago setting also adds some unique flair to the movie. Seagal is backed up by a decent supporting cast including Pam Grier, Sharon Stone, and Henry Silva, along with a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance from Michael Rooker. Steven Seagal and director Andrew Davis would team up again in 1992 for the far superior film Under Siege.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Five Doctors

Using forbidden technology, previous incarnations of the Doctor (along with some of their favorite companions) are kidnapped and dropped off in the Death Zone on Gallifrey. At the center of the Death Zone stands a dark tower containing the Tomb of Rassilon, the final resting place of one of the most powerful Time Lords to have ever lived. The path to the dark tower would be treacherous on a good day, but the same technology used to transport the Doctors has also brought some of their most dangerous enemies to the Death Zone. The Five Doctors was a feature length special commemorating the twentieth anniversary of Doctor Who, much like how the The Three Doctors celebrated the show’s tenth anniversary. Though William Hartnell is seen in an archival clip at the beginning of the special, the role of the First Doctor was played in the rest of the special by Richard Hurndall. Hartnell had passed away a couple of years after appearing in The Three Doctors. Also of note is the fact that Tom Baker declined to participate in the special, though he and Romana are still seen via footage from the at-the-time unreleased and incomplete story Shada. The returning Doctors are all paired up with some of their more notable companions including the Doctor’s granddaughter Susan, the Brigadier and Sarah Jane Smith. There are even cameos from K-9, Mike Yates, Liz Shaw, Jamie McCrimmon and Zoe. The Five Doctors is fairly well made and entertaining. It’s clearly motivated by nostalgia and fan service but it’s never cloying or obsequious.

Rating: A man is the sum of his memories%