The Wolf Man

In this "classic" "monster" movie a guy gets bitten by a Wolf Man so then he every now and then turns into a different Wolf Man and acts a damn fool. It's fine I guess - it's the 40s so how can you criticize the makeup or acting or gender politics of when the main dude basically forces himself on an engaged lady because he's that sort of doughy leading man type of pre-1960? Well, it is 1941 so I do think you can criticize the reprehensible nature of implying this Wolf Man thing is the fault of movieland gypsies while the Nazis are rounding up real live gypsies and putting them in concentration camps. Uh, but, like, go Classic Universal Monsters???

RATING: 37%

Octopus

You have to get through 35 minutes of the movie Octopus before you get your first look at the titular cephalopod. What’s worse is that it takes that long before the octopus even becomes a factor in the movie at all. While it’s not uncommon for a low budget creature feature to hide its monster for as long as possible, at the very least the filmmakers normally imply that their monster is an active threat prior to the big reveal. It might take some time before we get a clear view of the shark in Jaws, but at least it kills someone in the first five minutes of the movie. You shouldn't have to sit through a third of a movie called Octopus before you ever see a freakin' octopus.

Rating: Tentacle through the head%

(Image from mrqe.com)

Red State

Internet washout Kevin Smith made this movie without any kind of studio backing, which as an artist I can appreciate, but the movie is shapeless and takes four or five turns into totally different movies which leads me to believe there was nobody there to say "Hey, uh, wha?" Is that good? I STILL DON'T KNOW. I feel like I'm too familiar with Smith's other movies to think of this as genius, per se, but maybe it's sort of like Adam Sandler's performance in Punch Drunk Love, one weird and unique artistic expression that the artist himself would never recognize in a million years. So the plot is a Fred Phelps-esque preacher hates gay people in pretty violent ways and lots of people say "homosexual" in really fake southern accents.

RATING: 73%

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

If you're having trouble placing A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master in the overall Elm Street series, just remember it's the one where Freddy is revived by a dog pissing fire on his shallow grave. It's also the only one that shares some similarities with the Highlander franchise. As the survivors of Part 3 get killed off, the new Final Girl, Alice, begins to inherit their talents (karate, nerdiness, etc). The Dream Master is a mixed bag, it's not the worst in the series but it's part of the long, slow decline of the franchise. The films kept dialing down the tension and gore while amping up the jokes and spectacle. When they started out, you were supposed to be afraid of the supernatural child murder who could kill you in your dreams, you weren't supposed to root for him to show up with Spuds MacKenzie and crack wise at the horny teens.

Rating: Roach Motel%

(Image from traileraddict.com)

Stephen King Cameos

Ok so full disclosure I accidentally rereviewed Creepshow 2 of all movies, but here's something related. So in the 80s and 90s no matter how bad the adaptation, you could always count on Stephen King popping into his movies somewhere. The best is obviously Creepshow where he stars as a redneck in segment two, but second best is, I dunno, Maximum Overdrive where the ATM tells him to fuck off? Oh, cocaine!

RATING: 75%

The Golden Child

Eddie Murphy was on a roll in the '80s, putting out hit after hit.  The Golden Child may have made some money (79 million bucks) but it was a boring, meandering bomb.

Take all the Asian mysticism and kitchy stereotypes of Big Trouble in Little China and throw in a watered down Beverly Hills Cop script and you have an afternoon-waster on your hands.

Eddie Murphy never gets revved up joke-wise and there is complete lack of chemistry between him and Charlotte Lewis.

Rating: 13%

Airplane!

#20 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

If you've never seen this movie and then try to watch it now, it might not be that funny to you, because of Scary Movie 4 and 2001: A Space Travesty and etc. But this was one of the first of its kind - a parody movie that just goes crazy slapstick on an overplayed genre. I used to watch a version taped off of tv when I was a kid, so all the blowjob humor was cut, but it's works with or without the fellatio, sort of like James Joyce I guess.

RATING: 91%

The Mighty Peking Man

Most genre movies steal from their predecessors, which is why I forgive The Mighty Peking Man for aping so much of King Kong (see what I did there?). Made by the Shaw Brothers Studio to cash in on the late seventies King Kong remake, The Mighty Peking Man is a pretty standard low-budget "man in suit" style monster movie. Except for the addition of Samantha, the blonde jungle woman raised by the Peking Man after her family's plane crashes in the jungle. Samantha wears just enough animal skins to cover her naughty bits, except for the times she falls out of her homemade bikini while running (and there are a lot of scenes of her running). The Mighty Peking Man is entertaining if you don't take it seriously, at all.

Rating: 63%

(Image from classic-horror.com)

V-Neck Shirts

We have to face the fact that people are curious about how our chests look.  Why be all prude and stingy with a normal shirt when you can show off your pecs and chest fuzz?

Plus it takes less material to make a v-neck, so consider it saving the environment.

It adds four or five points to your hotness rating easy.




Rating: Man cleavage%

The Vanishing

Jeff Bridges' Barney Cousins is one of the creepier and compelling murderers ever filmed.

In the opening scene, he chloroforms himself to see how long it takes to wake up and then casually writes the result in his notebook.

Sandra Bullock, Kiefer Sutherland and Nancy Travis all do fine jobs; it's not their fault that Bridges rocks his role so hard.

Not exactly date night material, but excellent viewing.

Rating: 93%

Upland Something

A Beer For Every State # 14 - Indiana

I can't remember the specific name for this beer, and can't tell from that photo I took apparently by candlelight. It was a wheat beer, and was ok despite (because of?) A distinct cookie dough aftertaste. Also I am testing a blogging app so apologies to Indiana and also our readers if the formatting is off.

RATING: 55%

The Royal Tenenbaums

#21 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

My pledge to you, R3 reader(s?), is that in this election year, 2012, I will finish my Top 100 Movie List and my Beer For Every State Countdown! And this movie is pretty good, right? I haven't seen it in like six years. I remember watching it on 50 cent Tuesday at the discount theater in Tallahassee, and I got like three dollar hot dogs. Must be listworthy I guess.

RATING: 94%

Audio, Video, Disco

Last time I talked about the French electronic duo Justice everybody freaked out and tried to burn down R3. Well, now nobody reads this site except for Quammy and me and spammers, so it's a different time. I guess that's ok, because it's a pretty different album, too. It's... good? I vacillate between hating it a lot and thinking it's actually one of the most compelling electronic albums ever written. Don't come to me for answers, like you don't know by now.

RATING: ??%

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

(In a fakey British accent) Oh bother, there appears to be a double agent in our midst. I do suppose I'll be required to have some long, slow, quiet conversations with all the suspected parties then. This is a sticky wicket. It's a jolly good thing that it's the early seventies and I can drink and smoke copious amounts of cigarettes during my investigation. Pip pip, think of the Queen and all that.

Rating: 70%

(Image from incontention.com)

Symphony No. 2 by Sergei Prokofiev

Everybody hates this piece because it's atonal, unpleasant, and aggressive, but then Chris Brown gets to be on the Grammys so it seems like this is right up America's alley (topical humor). This is pretty good despite the fact that Prokofiev never really went expressionist again for the rest of his career. I guess we all have our phases, and for some of us those phases are maybe brought on by constant threat of execution by the 2nd most murderous tyrant of the 20th Century (write nicer music for workers lol or else ;) - JS).

RATING: 71%

Sharktopus

Jaws was one of the first movies I ever really obsessed over and becuase of that I've seen quite a few shitty shark and Jaws-style ripoff movies over the years. I've also seen a number of questionable Roger Corman productions in my time. Even with all that said though, I don't think anybody who purposefully elects to watch a movie called Sharktopus thinks they're in for anything other than a cheese fest. The acting, dialogue and CGI is all pretty much terrible, but you probably could have guessed that. I will say this in Sharktopus' defense though, I watched the movie in two sittings and when I watched the second half I wasn't exactly sober, which made the movie a lot more enjoyable.

Rating: 49% (In the sober light of day)

(Image from heropress.net)

An Unearthly Child

Because I apparently don't have enough nerdy things to obsess over, I've decided to watch the entire Doctor Who series from the beginning. The first serial "An Unearthly Child" introduces us to the First Doctor (William Hartnell), his companions Susan, Barbara and Ian, and a time travelling police box known as the TARDIS. In "An Unearthly Child," the Doctor and his companions travel back to the Stone Age where they encounter a tribe of cave men scrambling to unlock the secret of making fire. A power struggle amongst the tribe means that our heros spend much of the serial either being held captive or running for their lives through prehistoric forests. Considering Doctor Who has been on (and off) TV for almost 50 years and the fact that I have a full-time job, it will likely take me several years to wade through the entirety of the series. But seeing as the show has one of the coolest theme songs of all time, I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Rating: Eh, Doctor who? What's he talking about?%

(Image from thetardis.tumblr.com)

The Rocker

I ended up buying and watching The Rocker recently after finding it in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart. I thought, "Even if this is terrible, it's only gonna cost me $5." Going into the movie with an attitude like that was probably one of the reasons I enjoyed The Rocker as much as I did. The movie is essentially a mix of Bad News Bears and That Thing You Do! Rainn Wilson's character gets kicked out of his band on the eve of their massive success, 20 years later he finds redemption and some success of his own playing the drums for his nephew's band. If nothing else, this movie is notable for having an amazing cast, which includes: Rainn Wilson, Emma Stone, Josh Gad, Christina Applegate, Jason Sudeikis, Jane Lynch, Jeff Garlin, Will Arnett, Fred Armisen, Bradley Cooper, Demetri Martin, Aziz Ansari, Howard Hesseman, Jane Krakowski, and Pete Best (yes, the Pete Best).

Rating: 74%

(Image from allrovi.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: The Christmas Toy

When you think about Jim Henson, the first thing that springs to mind would probably be the Muppets and rightfully so because the Muppets are awesome. But Jim Henson did a lot of non-Muppet work, from childhood nightmare inducing films like Labyrinth and the Dark Crystal to Christmas Specials like The Christmas Toy. The story of The Christmas Toy is similar to Toy Story, wherein we witness the behind the scenes world of toys when no one is around to see them. In the special, all the toys are getting ready for Christmas morning and the arrival of the new toys that will be joining them in their world behind closed doors. It's a decent special, featuring the traditional felt-style puppets we've come to know and love along with some animatronic-type puppets that seemed pretty innovative for their time. While it's nowhere near the sheer joy that is A Muppet Family Christmas, The Christmas Toy is still a pretty good Christmas Special.

Rating: Peace on Earth%

(Image from muppet.wikia.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: The First Christmas: The Story of the First Christmas Snow

Of all the Christmas Specials I've watched and reviewed so far this year, The First Christmas was the only one that did not feature Santa Claus in any way. Most Christmas Specials toss in an obligatory nod to Jesus, but rarely get too religiousy. While The First Christmas wasn't about anything specifically religious, it was focused on a bunch of nuns and an orphan shepherd boy who had been blinded by a bolt of lightning (not kidding about that last part, this is a Rankin/Bass special aftterall). The main nun, voiced by Angela Lansbury, pines for a white Christmas like the ones she knew as a child. Lucas, the blind shepherd kid, wants nothing more than the kind nun to get her wish. You can imagine how it all turns out.

Rating: Murder, She Wrote DVD Set%

(Image from demonoid.me)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: Ziggy's Gift

Sometimes you have to dig through a lot of shit before you can uncover a diamond in the rough (how's that for a mixed metaphor?), but it's all worth it when you find something like Ziggy's Gift. I don't want to oversell it, because having low expectations before I watched it probably increased my overall enjoyment, but Ziggy's Gift is a great Christmas Special and more people should check it out. Everyone and everything is seemingly out to get our little protagonist (including a cop that reminded me of Chief O'Hara from the old Batman TV show), but he either doesn't notice or doesn't let it bother him. Volunteering as a street corner Santa, Ziggy spreads goodwill and Christmas cheer despite all the crime and corruption around him. It's great, heart-warming stuff. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

Rating: A Nice, Warm Blanket%

(Image from badmovieplanet.com)

Watch Ziggy's Gift on YouTube - Part 1, Part 2

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo

My uptight high school physics teacher made a point of telling all of us that he thought South Park was a terribly racist show that none of us should ever watch. His only exposure to the show was the first season episode, Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. And while South Park has always mined tasteless and offensive material for laughs, there really isn't much that seperates Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo from your standard Christmas Special. Cherished characters come together during the festive season to sing catchy songs (I've had the Mr. Hankey song stuck in my head for three days) and learn important lessons about what the Holidays are really all about. Would anyone else have thought of doing all that with an anthropomorphic piece of shit? Probably not, but yuletide inspiration can come from just about anywhere.

Rating: Festive Toilet Seat Cover%

(Image from mmmmfood.onsugar.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: The Pink Panther in: A Pink Christmas

If Charlie Chaplin's film Modern Times had been about a jazzy pink feline, it probably would have looked something like The Pink Panther in: A Pink Christmas. The special follows our homeless hero as he attempts to stave off starvation over the holidays. Sure, it's a bit dour, but it's still nowhere near the schmaltzy sentiment of something like ALF's Special Christmas. I remember seeing this special on TV as a kid, but I'm not surprised that it isn't really on anyone's radar anymore. There really aren't any standout moments in the special, nothing that would warrant adding it to your yearly slate of must-see Christmas Specials. Because everyone has a list of must-see Christmas Specials, it's not just me, right?

Rating: Fruit Cake%

(Image from tvshowsondvd.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: A Very Special Christmas with Beavis and Butt-head

Since the show got revived earlier this year, I thought it would be appropriate to check out a Beavis and Butt-head Christmas Special. I probably should have skipped A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butt-head and gone straight to their later special, Huh Huh Humbug/It's a Miserable Life. Oh well, I guess I have something to look forward to next year. As it is, there really isn't anything special about A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butt-head. It's just a half hour of Beavis and Butt-head talking over Christmas themed music videos. Then again, it was nice to see that the titular duo enjoy "Christmas in Hollis" as much as I do and I couldn't help but laugh when they thought that the California Raisins were anthropomorphic turds.

Rating: Something that Sucks%

(Image from beavisandbutthead.wikia.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: Mickey's Christmas Carol

For me, watching Mickey's Christmas Carol again was like slipping into some warm footie pyjamas and curling up under the Christmas tree. It's probbably been some time since I last saw this special from start to finish but, for as long as I can remember, Mickey's Christmas Carol has always been the benchmark against which I judge any adaptation of Dickens' A Christmas Carol (that said, Scrooged is also pretty sweet). Nostalgia aside, I think the special holds up pretty well. The bits with the Ghosts of Christmas Present and Christmas Yet to Come are kinda dark, given that it is a Christmas Special aimed at children. And I always thought the part with Goofy in chains as Jacob Marley was kinda freaky too. All that aside, if you can watch this special and not come close to tearing up at the sight of Mickey at Tiny Tim's grave, clutching the crutch as a single tear forms under his eye, well then you might just be a robot.

Rating: A Handwritten Letter from an Old Friend%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: A Flintstone Christmas

For the most part A Flintstone Christmas is your standard Christmas Special: familiar characters, holiday setting, treacly songs, etc. Being the cynic that I am though, I couldn't help but think that Santa comes off as a bit of a dick in the special. Fred and Barney are drafted by Santa to do his rounds after Santa slips off Fred's roof. Santa spends most of his time complaining and insulting Fred. Sure, Fred took a lot of abuse on the Flintstones, but you'd think Santa, of all people, would have cut the guy some slack.

Rating: Pet Rock%

(Image from abundance-blog.marelisa-online.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: Prep & Landing

After wallowing in the woe that was ALF's Special Christmas, it was so nice to watch a nice, wholesome, entertaining Christmas Special like Disney's Prep & Landing. I'm guessing that Disney's ownership of Pixar helped tremondously in both the story and visual construction of this special. The character designs are fantastic and the story is well written, relaying a fast paced story that will appeal to kids but not make anyone over the age of 9 want to kill themselves. The special follows Wayne, one of Santa's elves in the Prep and Landing department (voiced by former Kids in the Hall member Dave Foley), who's feeling down after being passed over for a big promotion. Wayne is depressed over his failing career but the special does well not to dwell on it, we never come anywhere near ALF level misery here. So on the big night, Wayne and Lanny, Wayne's overly enthusiastic rookie partner, run in to some trouble prepping little Timmy's house and delightful (though predictable) hijinks ensue. I can honestly say that Prep & Landing was a nice, fun Christmas Special. One that I will likely revisit in the coming years.

Rating: A New Bike%

(Image from impawards.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: ALF's Special Christmas

There's a commonly held misconception that the suicide rate rises over the Christmas season. I first learned about this urban myth as a child while watching ALF's Special Christmas. It's normal for a Christmas Special to try and tug at your heart strings, but ALF's Special Christmas draws a warm bath for you and hands you a razor blade. If you think I'm exaggerating, consider this, there's a scene where ALF says goodbye to a dying girl in a hospital and they actually put a fake tear on ALF's face. And there's another scene where ALF, dressed as Santa, talks a suicidal guy out of jumping off a bridge. This is easily the most maudlin thing I've seen in a long time.

Rating: A Prescription for Prozac%

(Image from alf.wikia.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: The Year Without a Santa Claus

I love stop motion animation, but what always attracts me to Rankin/Bass specials is the fact that they're usually quite weird. Rudolph has it's share odd characters and moments, but The Year Without a Santa Claus is a whole bundle of bizarre. Basically Santa decides he's tired and underappreciated, so he decides to cancel Christmas and take the year off. The rest of the special is Mrs. Claus and some elves trying to convince Santa that people still believe in him and that there's still goodwill out in the world. They go about this by trying to get two freaks called Heat Miser and Snow Miser to set aside their differences so that it can snow in a small Southern town on Christmas. Essentially, there is a wholesome Christmassy message in there, but it's wrapped up in classic Rankin/Bass weirdness.

Rating: Chia Pet%

(Image from ioffer.com)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas

Last year, in the spirit of the season, I reviewed twelve Christmas Specials. I ended up covering a few of the classics, some personal favorites and one or two oddball choices (I'm looking at you, He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special). I decided to try to review another batch of Christmas Specials for this year, but I'm a little worried that I'm not going to have a lot of choice material to work with this time. There's only so many Rudolphs and Grinchs to go around. This is part of the reason I'm kicking off this year's series of reviews with Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas, a Christmas Special that few people have likely seen and even fewer people would purposefully seek out. Aired in 1992, several years after the show's regular run had ended, the special essentially follows the same formula as a standard episode of the Inspector Gadget series. Dr. Claw has taken over the North Pole and is trying to sabotage Christmas. Inspector Gadget is tasked withing saving Santa Claus and preventing a holiday disaster and despite his best efforts, he manages to do just that. I'm not sure why they made this special and/or who the intended audience was for it, but I suppose it could have been worse. I'm not sure how exactly, but it's possible.

Rating: Socks%

(Image from jeffco.ca)

Dead Rising

The idea sounds mighty appealing, a journalist trapped in a mall filled with zombies. I love the variety of tasks; save people, take pictures of the shit going down, uncover a mystery and whack the hell out of zombies with anything you can find. But I spent most of this game getting pissed off because of all the random psychopaths. Why am I getting shot at by some convicts or a shotgun-wielding redneck? Can't we all get along until the zombie attack is over? Having only one save space is annoying as all hell too. Rating: 68%