Feast

Feast is a place in Houston everyone thinks is totally tits because it appeals to those dumb "foodies" that are into the head-to-tail movement. Well, I'm totally into that too, but the food has to be good. The first time I went I ordered testicles and tongue presented with a raw garlic, vinegar, dill and herb mixture which, while delicious, cut the faint taste of the organ meat too much. I also tried their kidneys, head cheese (brawn), and pork cheeks. The head cheese and kidneys were fairly decent, but either over or under spiced. Pork cheeks, however, were delicious and seared in the pan making them crunchy on the outside, but soft and warm on the inside. Tonight, I shared a merquez appetizer that was sadly only 4 small slices of the sausage. The chef was out of frisee for the accompanied salad and made a quick adjustment by creating a parsley/chervil and tomato salad (think tabbouleh without bulgur) instead. I had to give him credit for the quick thinking because it was pretty good. For my entree I had the best dish I've had there so far, a delicious sweetbread (I just can't resist them when they're on the menu), bacon and potato pot pie served with leeks, fennel, and mushrooms on the side. It was pretty damn good. Anyway, Feast is a decent place if you're into eating like a big boy. They've worked out some kinks they had in the early stages with their food, but it still isn't great. So go take a date and impress them with all the gross food you're not afraid to eat.

RATING: 59%

Things Falling Apart by Nine Inch Nails

One thing I like is remix albums of great albums, because it's kind of like a sequel to a great movie like Star Trek II or something. Sometimes the remix album is better than the real album (Supersexy Swingin' Sounds), but other times it's just a neat little kind of techno thing like this one. This one is pretty good I guess if you like The Fragile, Nine Inch Nails' best album. It's got a Gary Numan cover, so what else can I say?

RATING: 67%

Doen jang chi gae

Made with vegetables (as you can see from the photo, it's got some peppers in it), tofu and stanky fermented bean paste, doen jang chi gae burns your face and smells like a jalepeño yeast infection. In other words, it's absolutely amazing.

RATING: 95%

(Image from cookbook.rin.ru.)

Iron Man Cookie I Bought At The Valero Gas Station

I saw this cookie at a gas station when I was on my way over to Glenn's apartment and I thought it looked totally awesome since it was (1) a cookie and (2) made to look like Iron Man. Plus, it said right on the back label it was "hand decorated" and I thought that was pretty cool that someone did that with their mechanical robot/machine hand. Anyway, I like sugar cookies, but this cookie was awful and probably made of a mix of particle board and post-consumer cardboard, which actually made me feel better because at least I was doing my part to be green that day. As bad as it tasted Glenn and I continued to eat it until it was gone. So the moral of the story is no one can turn down a cookie even if it's made of wood, especially if a machine ironically decorated the cookie to look like Iron Man (another machine).

RATING: 40%

Tags

Tags are useful, but I can't help but wonder if we've gone a bit overboard with them.

Rating: 50%

Y: The Last Man Vol. 1: Unmanned

This is another comic everybody told me was great but I never bought. In this case it was because every time a new series began I refused to buy it because I wasn't getting a new series of comics to write myself and was therefore jealous. Well, it turns out this first volume is pretty gripping, and it looks like it will be a great adventure story. Without giving away too many of the twists (although you can see a couple coming), this comic series is about a plague that strikes Earth and inexplicably (so far) kills all male humans and other animals. The only survivors are this guy Yorick (the Y from the title) and his pet monkey Ampersand. This is Brian K. Vaughan, so there's a lot of humor, but it's pretty dark and very excellent, so check it out in trade and do your part for our economy.

RATING: 72%

Guns

Guns are a troubling issue for me. On the one hand they're incredibly dangerous in the hands of the untrained, and are responsible for a lot of death. Then again, I also believe a person's civil liberties shouldn't be restricted because of morons. Guns helped us win the Revolutionary War and that's a good thing, but now guns are being used in wars abroad for not good things. Ironically, we glorify guns in movies but remind people they're no joke in real life. I'm not implying violence in movies or anything else is responsible for violence in reality, but it's just funny that some people who are against guns still find a means of glorification in other realms. I'll never join the NRA, but just like banning abortion or continuing the War on Drugs is not a solution, neither is restricting the right to gun ownership. Also, I like guns because it's a lot harder to hunt deer with a bow and arrow. Not that I'm going hunting anytime soon.

RATING: 53%

Cubits

One cubit can be converted to approximately 45 centimeters or 18 inches, which is about the length of an average forearm. Units of measurement derived from the proportions of the human body are called anthropic units. Right now, our purple Suzuki station wagon has a top speed of 0 cubits per hour.

RATING: 10 fingers and 10 toes = 100%

(Image from www.geomancy.org.)

Crocs

I think I read somewhere that crocs were responsible for over 3000 cases of fashion police brutality in the U.S. alone last year. Or maybe that was just a dream I had.

RATING: 20%, or 90% if your life is fucked and your job happens to require closed-toed shoes

The FURminator

At $22.99 + shipping, the FURminator might seem like a crazy waste of money, but I swear to you it was worth every penny. That picture is an actual photo of all the fur that came off of Thelonious the first time I used it on him. And then I went back later and used it some more and got another pile that was about the same size. I cannot for the life of me figure out where this cat was hiding all that loose fur, but he actually looks and feels thinner now. And now when I pet him I don't get loose fur flying all over and sticking to my face and stuff. In short, this cat brush is the greatest thing I've ever bought for my cat and I highly recommend it even with the high price tag.

Rating: 90% (10 off for it being so damn expensive)

Race Krispies

Sometimes I'm in the mood for heterogeneous flavour first thing in the morning and sometimes I'm not, but I always try to be tolerant and open-minded. As a white male age 18-39, I know that pretty much the worst thing I can do either way is make a big deal out of this sort of thing.

RATING: 95% in public, 83% in private, but I hope future generations are enthusiastic enough about miscegenation that the opinions of all sorts of ethnic ideologues become irrelevant.

(Image from school.discoveryeducation.com.)

Chang Jing Korean Restaurant

My wife and I have twice patronized Chang Jing on North Greenville Road in Richardson, Texas. Both times it was packed with Korean people, which we took to be a good sign. The first time we got takeout, but the second time we ate in. We met the owner/manager, who told us there would be a 30 minute wait. When our faces fell, he began laughing hysterically and said, "Just kidding! One minute, only one minute, please!" After seating us, he attacked us with a trick ketchup bottle that disgorged stream of what looked like red sauce but was actually made of some kind of textile. Hilarious, although he looked like a scary man to work for. My wife got the bulgogi lunch special and I had the dol sot bibimbap. The food was excellent, and came with an abundance of side dishes, including acorn jelly, egg, seaweed, kimchi, sprouts, and greens. The entire meal cost us $19, which was well worth it although it was rather too much food for lunch. In the future (I plan on returning as soon as my wallet and waistline can afford it) I'll probably go later in the the day.

RATING: 90%

(Image from wikipedia.)

They Live

This is a great movie that people kept telling me to see for a long time, but I was like "no way" because typically movies that have themes of greed, consumerism, and stuff are lame and contrived. But this flick has all of those tired themes without being preachy, and still managing to entertain you with a 10 minute fight scene pitting Piper against David. There's also some really great lines like "Brother, life's a bitch and she's back in heat" and "Mama don't like tattletales" that Piper uses before he blasts some alien away. I'm sure a real critic would complain the plot is flat and aimless, but look, it's a B-movie cast and I say it's great. So there.

RATING: 93%

Rotten Tomatoes Submission Guidelines

I like Rotten Tomatoes as a site, but apparently they only accept submissions from "accredited" film critics. In other words, a site like ours could NEVER qualify to submit reviews to them (and maybe the world is a better place because of that). I just think "whatever" because there are a lot of awful, shitty, terrible critics on Rotten Tomatoes who managed to sneak in via a "professional looking" website, membership in some lame ass film society or employment by some local paper like the Greenville Harold-Banner (I mean, come on). I understand there need to be standards and criteria, but damn, really? Why isn't there just an application process? All we want to do is see free movies, and maybe we'll write about them if we get time. Is that too much to ask?

RATING: 39% or ROTTEN

The Richardson Public

Unlike Austinites, who would stand around making fun of your cargo shorts and rolling their eyes at the gasping noises you made as you lay dying on the sidewalk, the people of Richardson are generally very helpful and friendly. Our car broke down outside Blockbuster today, and as we were trying to push it across the street to the garage a woman offered to watch our son in his stroller, four men in a truck got out to help us push, and another guy tried (unsuccessfully) to give us a boost. As we were pushing the car back from the garage, like the broke-ass Canadians we are, another man gave us another (successful) boost and we were able to drive our Japanese rust-bucket home. Richardson may look like one giant strip mall, but I'm very impressed with the kind folks who live here (except for the sketch-bag mechanics who we think messed with our brand new alternator while they were supposed to be fixing our air conditioning earlier today.)

RATING: People of Richardson 90%
Firestone Tire and Service Center 0%

(Image from www.tutorials.com.)

Cockroaches

Growing up in the old country, I thought cockroaches were a mythical sort of animal Americans liked to complain about in movies. Then I moved to Florida, and GOD DAMN! This is a kind of insect that is huge and disgusting, and also they can fly for some reason, which is totally bogus. If you are scared of them like me even though you weigh ten thousand times as much as one, then when you see one on the wall or ceiling it will sense that fear and try to fly right at your face. Once I walked to the grocery store to buy some cereal and when I looked at my shoulder there was a giant roach sitting there and I died on the spot. Sorry to have to break it to everybody like this years later, but I just didn't have the heart to tell you then. In conclusion I hate roaches more than terrorists, communists, and racists combined.

RATING: 0%

Walking With Thee by Clinic

My friend Todd introduced me to this album our senior year of college, and a year later I convinced my friend Dimitri to buy it. He hated it because of all the clarinet, so he gave it to me. Score. Anyway, the sound of this album is like a dancier version of Gang Of Four with more clarinet, less politics, and way more Radiohead. It's good, but only every once in a while. When I taught 7th grade I listened to it into the ground, so maybe that's why I can only stand it in small doses now, but check out some of the songs if that is ok with union regulations.

RATING: 67%

The Walking Dead Vol. 1: Days Gone Bye

Everybody always kept telling me how amazing this comic series by Robert Kirkman was, and how it was especially up my alley since I like zombie movies, etc. I bought the first trade the other day and read it, and while it is good, I just don't see what it adds to the current zombie dialogue. It basically reads like a George Romero movie - zombies happen, society collapses, pockets of survivors band together, their own strife is their undoing. I was hoping for some huge twist at the end of this trade, but as it stands I just don't see myself continuing to buy these collections. One good thing is that because it's done in greyscale, the volumes are less expensive, but I just feel like I'll end up being bored and staying that way, and that's a serious medical dilemma.

RATING: 57%

The Silence Of The Lambs

Hey, you guys know what a great movie is? This one, that's what. As you all probably know, this is a fantastic and suspenseful movie that deals with complex issues of gender construction in our society and the emotional impact of trying to challenge that, oh and also some murders etc. It is based on the not so great book by Thomas Harris, although that book is not as abysmal as its sequel, Hannibal. The direction is amazingly tight, and Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins burn up the screen when either of them is on camera. You know, this was on my top 100, but then I made some inexplicable changes and now Elephant is on my top 100. Maybe I would change it if I hadn't already reviewed that one.

PS - I really like Poetry Magazine's cameo in the movie, and also the film's climax is set to Hip Priest by The Fall. Extra points.

RATING: 86%

Plantains

A plantain is like a cross between a banana and a potato, i.e., it's gross. Every time I eat something with plantain in it, it feels like an awful mistake. I guess the lesson here is don't trust the way something looks because deep down it is probably disgusting.

RATING: 11%

Ripe Bananas

I think people like ripe bananas because it's probably built into our DNA from our days as dumber primates. If you don't like them then you're probably from a family that didn't evolve very well. Hey, it's not your fault! They are delicious, cheap and full of good stuff, but be careful, they can take a turn for the worse pretty quickly. I recommend saving them for banana bread by freezing them when they get overly ripe. You can make banana pudding from ripe bananas and that's really good. No one makes food with unripe bananas, do they? Nevermind, I bet they do.

RATING: 76%

Unripe Bananas

Personally, I don't like unripe bananas because they taste like food that isn't really ready to eat yet. Punchline!

RATING: 35%

White

White is a color that we all probably know, and if you've never heard of it before then congratulations pallie, you don't live in America. White is the the most useless crayon, but the most common paint. It is also the most common way the pinkest people refer to themselves all over the planet Earth for some reason. Some people say white represents life, and others say it represents death. Vanilla ice cream is white, and while it is the most boring flavor, it is also the most welcoming to the addition of toppings. The KKK wears white because they are chickens and also racist, and also they say things like "White Power," a phrase I am now incapable of hearing without thinking of Dave Chappelle. One of my students claimed today that white was her favorite color, and since she was white I assumed that to be a race thing. White chocolate is not really chocolate at all, but people like it for some reason or other, I don't, it's gross. White is the color of skeletons and ghosts, but not Halloween cats or witches, they are mostly black and green, respectively. If your hair is white it either means you are old or you got scared real bad. Paper is white, but ink is black, a juxtaposition a lot of undergrads think is poetic, but in actuality is nonsensical. Well, in conclusion white is everywhere, especially on this Corn Flakes box next to my computer so see ya wouldn't want to be ya as Shakespeare said (he was also white).

RATING: 50%

Dead Man

Is your name A Woman Who Likes Men Who Look Like Women? If so, then Johnny Depp, former teen heartthrob, just might be for you. Nah, just playing, I think he's a fine actor full of charisma, unlike this movie which is boring and pretentious. The one cool thing is that Johnny Depp's character is named William Blake, like the poet, and he has this neat part where he walks up to a bad guy and says "I'm William Blake, do you know my poetry?" and then shoots him. But it's super boring apart from that. Also, Wikipedia goes to great lakes to praise the film for it's "extremely accurate portrayal of American Indians," but it's still the age-old stereotype of the Indian with mystic wisdom helping out the stupid white man. Well, check this movie out if you like being bored.

RATING: 28%

Earth X

This is a comic that takes place in an alternate future of the Marvel Comics Universe. Most of you stopped reading at "comic," I know. Anyway, it's a kind of apocalyptic sort of vision, and it's very much like Kingdom Come in that it's a nasty future with art and character design by Alex Ross, but I like this way better. Maybe because it seems more inclusive of the whole universe, or maybe because I like Marvel better, who knows but scientists or something? It's really dense, and if you're not a huge Marvel zombie you won't understand anything or care, but if your name is Bryan and I didn't already lend this to you then check it out already.

RATING: 77%

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban

I remember really liking this movie when it came out a few years ago, and I've been looking forward to rewatching it considering the director made Children of Men since then. However, it's pretty rough, and there's a lot of tonal irregularities that keep this from being as good as the preceding two movies. The plot is there's this crazy serial killer loose, and Harry and Co. must be careful not to get caught by him or something. There's a lot of dark stuff in this movie, darker than the first two, but the problem is there's a lot of really lame and out of place slapstick humor that just doesn't work. You should probably watch it to know what's happening when you watch the others, but if you don't like movies with witches because that's the devil's work, then maybe you should check out a movie about Jesus instead like Godspell.

RATING: 67%

Tropic Thunder

Well a lot of people have problems with Ben Stiller as a director. Personally I have more of a problem with Ben Stiller as an actor. Now I say that with some reservation because I probably quote Ben Stiller a lot more than anyone else in the world (anyone a fan of Heavyweights?), but as far as directing goes let's give him credit for Reality Bites at least. Anyway, this review is about his movie "Tropic Thunder" which turned out to be a pretty funny movie. Don't go for Jack Black because his character sucks, and Stiller plays the same old tired persona he always does (think Zoolander). However, I enjoyed Robert Downey Jr. a lot in the movie, and the fact that it was a pretty good satire on the movie industry.

RATING: 71%

Gossip Girl Season Two Premiere

This show was my guilty pleasure all through last year. I technically had work while the new episodes were broadcast, so I made an art out of getting out early to try & catch at least the last ten minutes. I have been waiting all! summer! for this premiere. After watching, I remembered something crucial that my summer of nostalgia for GG made me forget: the show is never as good as I want it to be. I want to be freaking SCANDALIZED everytime I watch this show, but it's often plagued by more valleys than peaks. A lot sort of happened in the season premiere, but a lot of new storylines were inserted and it's going to take me a little while to warm up and care about them. And can we please not have this show be about mentorship? Whether you're a an aspiring writer or a designer's peon, I really don't care about how it's going at work. I care about how you're going to viciously plot against all the other rich little scions in your world. So get to it, gang!


RATING: 70%

(Photo courtesy of www.edulife.org. Barbie and her compatriots are in no way affiliated with Gossip Girl nor do they endorse it. This credit has been brought to you by Vitamin Water.)

High Plains Drifter

This western is the second movie Clint Eastwood ever directed, and is pretty awesome. Basically the plot (without giving too much away) involves Eastwood's character riding out of mist into the town of Lago, where some guys attack him so he kills them and rapes an uninvolved woman. Then the townspeople decide they need his help since three dudes they framed are returning to town for revenge. I really can't say much more about this without giving away major spoilers, but it's super creepy in a great sort of way, if you can get past the main character raping women through the whole movie.

RATING: 76%

Hipster Douchebags

It's hard to know what to talk about with hipster douchebags. On one hand, one has to contend with their affected distaste for things lowbrow and commonplace (a friend of mine this weekend warned me: "It's considered uncool in Austin to talk about T.V. shows"), and, on the other, their disdain for sincerity, which they find corny and embarrassing. The best thing to do, I suppose, is nod and smile knowingly while listening to their stories about this or that exclusive friend who is socially deviant in a humorous way and/or hooked on heroin.

Hipster douchebags are always accusing other people of being hipster douchebags, because the hipster believes that only s/he is a truly free spirit, while everyone else is merely trendy. This is probably rooted in the mistaken notion that trends are chiefly driven by conformity (the "hipster's kryptonite") rather than the desire for distinction and genuine originality--a desire that the average hipster is incapable of attributing to anyone other than him or herself (Joseph Heath and Andrew Potter's book The Rebel Sell is about this, among other things).

The worst thing about hipster douchebags is that sometimes they'll invite you to a goat barbeque in Austin, and then when you get there, they won't talk to you or introduce you to anyone, and you'll stand around trying to make small talk with 30 apathetically hostile hipster strangers like a fucking knob. At times like this, it's important to remember that hipsters are dismissive of everything you say because they realize it would only take 5 minutes of earnest conversation for you to figure out how boring and shallow they actually are.

RATING: 5%

(Image from www.theokomyanefamily.us.)

My Cat Thelonious

The only bad thing about Thelonious is that he has a tendency to sneeze on my roommate and guests. Otherwise he's quite adorable and friendly. And very cuddly. All the things a good cat needs to be.

Rating: 95% (5 off for the sneezing)