The Beatles: Magical Mystery Tour movie

Considered one of the worst (if not the worst, besides breaking up) things the Beatles ever did. But it warrants a viewing. It's weird and doesn't have any sort of plot structure to be seen, but it's surreal and it has great music and it's bizarre and it's worth seeing at least one. I give the movie 65%. (I'd give the album 90%- it contains Strawberry Fields Forever, after all).

Steely Dan

I've loved Steely Dan since I was 17. Why would a 17 year old listen to Steely Dan? Well, and then I might not have been so ready to admit it, but their songs are compelling and extremely well constructed. The Dan have a reputation for being more "easy listening" or even these days "smooth jazz" or whatever. But their lyrics are quite dark and subversive- songs about pedophiles, drug dealers, vigilantes, apocalypse, inbreeding, etc. I don't know how many times I'm in Publix and I hear a Dan song on the loudspeakers. And it's usually their most popular songs, one in particular, which is about someone trying to get a family member to sleep with them. They have a song about ex-Nazis going back to sites of Hitler speeches and reminiscing. They beat Eminem for Album of the Year in 2000. Their lyrics are probably even more subversive than his - especially considering it's subtle and couched within jazz/pop songs. I give Steely Dan's music as a whole 95%.

Southland Tales

By the guy who did Donnie Darko (which I resisted seeing for a while but eventually did see and was quite impressed). Southland Tales did so badly with critics that it barely got shown anywhere. I managed to find a bootlegged copy (and it was damned awful- it was handheld shaky camera in a movie theater). I just finished the movie on DVD and I love it. I can understand why it was so divisive- it's a bit convoluted, disjointed, and maybe even pretentious. But it actually has an exceedingly interesting story and is visually stunning. It's also perplexing (seems to be this director's MO) but that makes it great. Great ending. Some funny moments. Visually arresting. Great political commentary and satire (and not in a partisan way). Go see it.

79%

Vertigo

A very personal movie for me. Came at a time in my life in which I needed to see it. Hitchcock's masterpiece. Yes, if you really look at the suspense/murder plot, it is extremely rickety and full of holes. But the movie is about the different part of romantic love and how it can be taken too far. Fantasy and even some degree of obsession are integral in any romantic relationship and are healthy. But it's a fine line, as the film points out, between having those healthy elements of a romance and where they can be taken too far. Jimmy Stewart's relationship in the fist half of the movie, while circumstantially "weird," is a more "normal" version of romantic love with fantasy and infatuation. The second half shows Stewart's character falling into the darker sides of that. The film, then, is less a suspense than a philosophical/psychological exploration of the extremes of love and how certain things integral in relationships can be taken too far. Vertigo is #1 on my list of favorite movies. I give it 98%.

Poker

Poker is a sport. That's a huge controversy. But it is. Get over it. If hot dog eating contests are sports, then so is poker. Especially Texas Hold'em. It involves strategy, someone who is psychology astute, extreme risks, etc. It forces on to think strategically. I'm all for poker becoming mainstream. I love watching poker on TV. I give poker as sport 90%.

Kiss Me Deadly

Glenn will no doubt have a good comment to this post.

I'm a huge fan of film noir- in fact, I may have to claim that as my favorite genre. Kiss Me Deadly is among the finest, and is my favorite. Many of these movies involve the McGuffin, which is an object that is an integral part of the plot - usually something that the characters are trying to locate - and KMD has the mysterious box as its mcguffin. Yet by the end it is no longer a simple film noir about an amorous detective trying to locate a box- presumably for more selfish reasons- but becomes a bizarre almost sci-fi element with a great ending. The scene in which the detective is able to fist open the box only briefly is one of my favorite scenes in all of movies. I give it 89%.

To Kill a Mockingbird (film)

One of the most beautiful movies ever made. One of only two movies that can make me cry (Field of Dreams, cheesily enough, is the other). Everything about this movie is pure perfection. It's a movie that deserves to be adored and cherished. And it touches on some wonderful and touching and bittersweet themes of life. I give it 97%.

Fawlty Towers

The best sitcom ever made. Period. It surpassed every sitcom that came before it- and there are some great sitcoms from the 60s and 70s- and no sitcom afterwards has come close to touching it. The only complain I'd have is that it's only 12 episodes long, but I never get tired of them. I give it 99%.

The Big Lebowski

One of the greatest movies ever made. I'm serious when I say this- it's right up there with Citizen Cane and Casablanca and whatever. I've seen it countless times and I never cease to get a huge kick out of it and could watch it anytime. It has a wonderfully convoluted plot and some of the most memorable scenes and lines in any movie. It's perfect in every way I can think of. The most quotable movie ever. I give it the rare 100%.

Love

Love sucks. It's maddening and it's something that in the front of my mind I always want to avoid, but I get sicked in. It's the emotional version of the Mafia. I had been single for a while. Just when I thought I was out, it pulled me back in. And does time and time again. It's horrible and painful and destructive, and beautiful and wonderful. It makes life worth living and it makes life too painful to deal with. It's heartbreaking and heartfilling. It can make life feel as if it's not worth living and it can make life feel as if it is totally worth living. It is said to be the point of life and one of the most important experiences of humans; it also causes murders, mental diseases, bad music, bad movies, bad books, bad art in general, wars, depression...

Love: 50%

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (recent film)

I've always been a fan of the books. I even loved the old British TV series that they did based on the book. I was hesitant going in to the newer movie. But it is great. They certainly held true to many of Adams' ideas and themes. The movie was great and I loved it. It looks great, it's funny, it's touching, it touches on some important themes Adams' put forth in his books and whatnot. I'd give it 90%.

Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon

Any movie Matthau and Lemmon have done together is great. EXCEPT for Out to Sea. That was pretty godawful. But it still have some degree of watchability due to the fact that those two are in it. I could watch the original Odd Couple any time anywhere. Just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.

The Odd Couple: 95%
Grumpy Old Men: 80%
Grumpier Old Men: 75%
The Odd Couple II: 65%
Out to Sea: 30%

There's more that I can't think of now I'm sure.

Lost

In the realm of mythology-centered shows (Alias, The X-Files, even the Star Trek shows perhaps), Lost is the best. I've loved the show since the second season, but only after watching the 4th season so far have I decided that it may be the best mythology show ever. Well, it'd be neck and neck with The Prisoner (and the finale of The Prisoner certainly screws up that show for me). They changed the game in the 3rd season, and this new season has been fast paced and finally providing lots of answers. And the thing about Lost that makes it so much better, besides the amazing twists and great character studies and allegories, is the fact that you can feel that the writers know exactly how this whole thing will play out. I was an X-Files fan, but by the end, it was obvious that it was being made up as they went along. Lost: 90%

Sub Rosa

This is widely considered to be one of the top five worst Next Generation episodes of all. I have to say, it sucks, but it's got some ok parts. Jonathan Frakes directed it, and despite the fact that the two TNG movies he did sucked, his episodes were usually pretty good. The plot is that Dr. Crusher's grandmother dies, but then she falls in love with this ghost that apparently her whole family has loved since the 1600s. Turns out the ghost is an alien, though, and is kind of evil, although not really.

RATING: 41%

Orange Juice

Orange juice is pretty much the best drink in history. I like it with lots of pulp, because then it's like I'm drinking and eating an orange simultaneously. Maybe if I threw some chopped up steak into my milk that would make it better. What I want to know is whatever happened to Orange Julius? Those were great.

RATING: 92%

Homeward

This episode of Next Generation is good and also incredibly stupid. It is good because Michael Dorn gets to act a little differently and not be in his usual Worf Klingon makeup when he meets up with his step brother on a planet, and it is bad because it makes little to no sense. The plot is there is this dying primitive world that Worf's brother is observing. He summons the Enterprise to help, but they say no dice, we are not allowed to help because of the Prime Directive - but this is fucking ridiculous because the Prime Directive is just there to stop the Federation from messing up other cultures, it doesn't turn them into Marvel Comics' Watchers. Anyway, Worf's bro tricks the Enterprise into helping out and there's some interesting tension and a neat plot about the holodeck, so it's not all terrible.

RATING: 53%

Richard III

This movie is really boring. Basically it is the story of Richard III, Shakespeare's famous play about a big douchebag, but it is set in a fictional 1930s fascist England. Ian McKellan plays Richard III, so that is good, but Robert Downey Jr. and Anette Benning ruin the movie even worse than it's incredible blandness. Anyway, I should have found a way to teach Titus Andronicus in retrospect because this one didn't work out.

RATING: 36%

Doing One's Taxes

Ha ha, get it, because the IRS is mean and just wants our money? Just playing - I'm all for high taxes and government programs because I'm a socialist. On the 0ther hand, it's just a pain to organize my taxes and get all my forms together, and also this year I'm way late because one of my jobs ordered the wrong form and another one forgot to send me my W-2. Also, I should point out that come tax time I've never owed the government any additional money because I am poor.

RATING: 50%

Spider-Man/Wolverine

This team-up was a four issue limited series penned by Brett Matthews and drawn by a blind man apparently. The story is entirely mediocre, with some good jokes for Spider-man, which is all Spider-man really needs (see reasons why the first Spider-man movie wasn't that great). Anyway, it's way out of print, so I don't know why you would try to track it down because it doesn't make any sense (Nick Fury hires Spider-man to track down Wolverine for some reason) and isn't good.

RATING: 36%

this photo (or: shiny hot pants for adolescent boys)

This photo brings up an important point we have yet to address outright here at Reviews. How do you rate things that are completely awesome because of their utter badness? Like do I rate it low because there is something fundamentally WRONG about adolescent boys in shiny tight pants or do I rate it high because I can't stop looking at it. I'm going to go with high because God I love the way that one in the middle wears his shiny pants with such attitude.

Rating: 69%

Replicas by Tubeway Army

Everybody knows that Gary Numan (pretty much the sole creative force here - after this album he would just release under his own name) is a great pioneer for post-punk/industrial/goth/blah blah blah. Anyway, this album is a lot of fun and sort of sci-fi. A lot of the songs on it, probably because of the synthesizers used, remind me of the Doctor Who theme song. Well why not take a listen to some of the hits that you probably already know.

RATING: 71%

Marvel Zombies

Marvel Zombies, started in the pages of Ultimate Fantastic Four, imagines a world in which every super powered individual on Earth (well, I guess that's already an imagined world to begin with) has been transformed into a flesh eating zombie. They retain their personalities (except for the morality part), so they're not the mindless slugs of Romero's films. Anyway, the interior art is gorgeous, and Arthur Sudyam's zombification of famous Marvel covers is also a lot of fun. Robert Kirkman is the writer, and he is pretty capable when it comes to the Marvel Universe and/or zombies. So check it out I guess, it's got some great turns.

RATING: 67%

The Dana Carvey Show

I guess it's a big trip back to like 10th grade or something here, because now I'm reviewing this show that aired in its entirety (8 episodes) back in 1996 and then was canceled. Anyway, I thought at the time that this show was hilarious, but I was 15, and other than brief clips here and there on youtube I haven't seen full episodes until the whole show was recently put online at hulu.com. The opening monologues Dana Carvey does are pretty painful, but with a writing staff that included Charlie Kaufman and Louis CK, and a cast that included, in addition to Carvey, Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert, the show is pretty consistently hysterical. I guess it just wasn't prime time material or something.

RATING: 81%

Astro Creep 2000 by White Zombie

In high school my friends and I all used to love listening to Supersexy Swingin' Sounds, the remix album for Astro-Creep 2000. We listened to it a lot, especially whenever anybody got a new stereo or speaker in their car, because there was a really clean bass drop in the More Human Than Human remix (which reminds me of the time my friend Striebel put a 15 inch speaker in the back of his barely functioning Renault, which was pretty hilarious). So basically when I bought this album last year it was like I was buying a remix album to the remix album, since I was most familiar with all the remixes if that makes any sense. White Zombie seems like the perfect band for me, because they are obsessed with bad old horror movies and constantly sample and quote them in their songs, and this album is pretty great for all of that and then they broke up. Some songs you can find on youtube if you'd like to check them out include More Human Than Human, Super Charger Heaven, and Electric Head Pt. 2 (The Ecstasy).

RATING: 80%

Ben & Jerry's Peach Cobbler

Ben & Jerrys was two for $7 this week at Key Foods here in Brooklyn so of course I bought two. Therefore, everyone gets the treat of two ice cream reviews from me this week. (And I do love how lately tons of our reviews have been of junk food.) While this flavor is in a different taste realm from the Cheesecake Brownie, I also really like this one. Given, I do have a very bias opinion since I love peach flavored foods (must be the Southern girl in me), but I think this is a really innovative ice cream flavor. It's made up of a sort of peachy vanilla-y base with pockets of peach compote and pie crust bits. And there's a subtle cinnamon flavor, especially in the pie crust bits. So yeah, it's really delicious. Thanks Willie Nelson! I always knew he was awesome.

Rating: 85%

Fresca

As you might expect from somebody who loves grapefruit so much, I also like grapefruit flavored soda. And by that I mean Fresca, since it's the only grapefruit flavored soda there is in the United States. It's tart and has zero calories so you might as well drink it unless you don't want brain cancer since it does have exactly one buttload of aspartame in it.

RATING: 80%

(I'm clearly in a good mood, handing out all these high scores tonight)

The Low End Theory by A Tribe Called Quest

Look, nobody thinks this album is bad and that's because it is fucking great. The beats are solid (great use of the stand up bass), the rhymes are amazing (especially on What?, my favorite track, although there's no youtube video to link unfortunately) and for a rap group the songs are a surprisingly manageable length. My only complaint is I bought this off of amazon and half of the tracks are censored, whereas the other half are not censored at all. It makes no sense, and the same thing happened when I bought a Pharoahe Monch album off amazon too, so that place sucks. Anyway, everybody knows and loves Scenario, but other available videos on youtube include Check The Rhime and Jazz.

RATING: 85%

Black Jellybeans

I have never met anybody who just likes black jellybeans, only those who hate them (probably most of you) and those who love them (me, so fork 'em over). The reason behind this is probably because if you only just liked them ok back when you were a kid, everybody who hated them probably unloaded them on you whenever they were eating jellybeans. So because you got more jellybeans as a result of everybody else's distaste, you grew to like them more. As for those of you who hate them, your loss motherfuckers.

RATING: 81%

Calenture by Kent Shaw

I have to be honest and admit that this book is by a friend of mine, so I would feel a little weird giving it a percentage rating. But I am being totally honest when I say that it is a fantastic book of poetry and you should buy it now. I have read few books more like an intricately woven map in which landscape, faith, and love are dissected through phrasal leitmotifs in a way that is completely satisfying, natural, and moving. Cities jut against fields against vast bodies of water in this book, manipulated by a speaker who is internally wrestling with faith and attempting to turn that struggle into something representatively external. Only the vast can deal with such metaphysical concerns, but rather than losing control of the environment created, he deftly controls it and allows us to exist within it which is great and I'm out of sentences so buy it like I said.

RATING: N/A

Pinkerton by Weezer

When this came out when I was in high school I totally hated it. For some reason, despite the fact that Sonic Youth was (and still is) my favorite band, I considered the sound of this Weezer album to be too rough. Over time though it has really grown on me, and I might even like it as much as the blue album, but definitely not more than. My favorite tracks are probably Why Bother?, Pink Triangle, and Tired of Sex.

RATING: 78%

Ben & Jerry's One Cheesecake Brownie

Now this is some seriously amazing ice cream. It's basically ice cream cheesecake with brownie chunks in it, and I am actually considering making this my new favorite flavor (it would replace Edy's Peanut Butter Cup) because it was so damn good I want to cry. So yeah, if you like cheesecake and brownies you should get yourself some of this.

Rating: 86%

Clerks: The Comic Books

Clearly I am just going through all my old comic books in little order. This book is a collection of three one shots starring Dante and Randall from Clerks. It's not particularly good, and I can really hear the bad acting of all the dialog Keven Smith writes. Thumbs down. Also, I thought dialog was spelled dialogue, but clearly I am wrong.

RATING: 29%

Pears

I really like pears, although I don't know if I can say I like them as much as apples because they lack the versatility. Anyway, when I was a kid I was often forced to pick apples for some reason, and every apple orchard had like one or two pear trees. I always wanted to pick and eat the pears, because that was like a rare treat, but instead I had to pick and not even think about eating a bunch of apples. At least it wasn't as bad as picking strawberries.

RATING: 75%

My new governor

As most of you who don't live in caves probably already know, we have a new governor here in NY. I for one, love this guy. Wife cheating aside (and any of you who have ever read my blog know how I feel about cheating), I still really like this guy. He seems to really have his shit together, I loved his joke about the lobbyists the other week, and despite Larry Wilmore's claims that the blindness doesn't count, you have to love a diversity twofer. I mean, this whole Spitzer hookerbangin thing really would have pissed ppl off a lot more if we hadn't gotten this great new gov out of the deal. For example, can you imagine how pissed we would all be if Bush was caught hookerbangin and then Cheney took over?

Rating: 75%

Stuff White People Like

As much as it pains me that some other person's blog gets a billion more hits than me, it's still pretty hilarious and accurate, although it seems as though it should be called "Stuff Yuppies Like."

Stuff White People Like

RATING: 82%

Superunknown by Soundgarden

I used to have a really tough time getting through this album, because I thought it got boring after track 11 or so (there are 15 tracks, which is kind of a lot). But as the years have gone by, I find I like the slower later tracks more and more. The faster songs are still what I find most appealing, but probably by the time I'm 50 I'll think 4th of July is my favorite song. Anyway, it's a great album from a great couple of years of grunge and then unfortunately it tried to keep going for 8 more years. (PS - the 4th of July video is just some dude's homemade thing, so you don't need to watch it if you don't want to).

RATING: 71%

Easter

I bet you guys thought I was going to put a cadbury egg up there, didn't you? Anyway, Easter is a time for us all to celebrate the one true God by embracing a bunch of pagan rituals. For those of us who aren't religious, it's a time to wait for Monday so we can get some super cheap Easter candy, which is the best holiday candy of the whole year. I don't like peeps really, but I gotta say those Cadbury Eggs, and in particular the new orange creme ones, are pretty awesome. Thanks Jesus!

RATING: 73%

Captain America: Cap Lives

No, this does not have to do with the recent death of Captain America, but rather it is an alternate universe type storyline written by Dave Gibbons a few years ago in which Captain America wakes up after being frozen in ice for 20 years after the war to find that the Nazis had won World War II and his nemesis the Red Skull is the new fuhrer. Captain America leads this revolution against the Nazis, which includes pretty much every hero in the marvel universe, albeit without powers. It's kind of totally unbelievable, but it's a pretty fun four issue romp. It's available in trade if you really want to find it, but I wouldn't go through too much trouble if I were you which I'm not.

RATING: 52%

The L-Word Season 5

The L-Word is a show that is totally ridiculous and also about rich lesbians in LA. Everybody who watches the show and likes it says it's totally over the top and not really good, but also that it is tres addictive. When I was invited to watch it with some friends, I thought "great, this will suck," but then it turned out to be totally addictive even though it is crazy. I also dressed up as one of the characters for the season finale tonight but you aren't seeing that picture.

RATING: 61%

Scooby-Doo: Night Of 100 Frights

Typically games inspired by movies or tv shows are terrible with the exception of Spider-man 2, but even I'm in the minority on that one apparently. This one is actually pretty good, though. It's a basic fun platformer, but what pushes it up into the next level is that it really faithfully recreates the atmosphere of the original Scooby-Doo show. They grain up the visuals, and even add a way fake laugh track and a way real Don Knotts in one of his last performances. So I guess I can recommend this, because you ain't gonna find Don Knotts in Grand Theft Auto IV.

RATING: 74%

Plankton

In case you can't tell, we had a bad horror movie night last night. This movie is about flying/ walking/ killing/ just-about-anything-but-swimming fish. Some stupid teenagers find a yacht and then get killed by the fish. Spoilers.

RATING: 15%

Slugs: The Movie

There aren't too many movies in which a health inspector is the main hero. I can only think of this movie, and Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Anyway, this movie is probably better than that one, and about as good as you can expect for a movie about a bunch of killer slugs.

RATING: 22%

Halloweeen III: Season Of The Witch

Imagine you are a big fan of Halloween I and II, the movies with Michael Myers the unstoppable killer, and you are tres excited about the third installment. Then you get to the theater and it turns out the movie has no Michael Myers, and is about some druids who make this popular Halloween mask that when kids watch this show on Halloween night it will send a signal to the masks that will shoot a laser into their head and turn their brain into snakes and spiders and bugs. Well, you might have been pissed. On the bright side, this movie is hilarious to explain to people or watch while drinking.

RATING: 15%

The Pegasus

Here's another episode of TNG for you. This episode is about the first ship Riker served on, which apparently he helped the captain escape a mutiny, which years later he regrets. It turns out the captain was doing treaty-violating experiments with a cloaking device that were way dangerous and also against the law. Anyway, that's all boring, but what isn't boring is the part where Picard yells at Riker and Riker cries like a baby. Well, metaphorically.

RATING: 72%

Star Trek: The Mirror Universe Saga

This trade takes place immediately following Star Trek III, in which Spock had been brought back from the dead, the Enterprise had been self-destructed, and Kirk and co. were in big trouble for disobeying orders. So this comic has them thwart an invasion from the mirror universe, a universe where all the main characters from Star Trek are evil and have goatees. I always thought it was weird TNG never did an episode with the mirror universe, but then again the DS9 episodes with the mirror universe sucked so maybe it was a good idea. This comic is pretty well written, and captures the spirit of Trek pretty well. Maybe I would have liked this better as a sequel instead of Star Trek IV, but I guess I'm in the minority on that one.

RATING: 61%

Generic Cereal

Instead of reviewing a new cereal to have everybody grumble at me for eating too many carbs or something Dr. Phil, I decided to review generic cereal in general. Overall, I like generic cereal because it is cheap and sometimes the taste is so weird it's actually better than the real cereal (like generic Cheerios). I do think it's a little suspect, though, that there is pretty much one manufacturer of generic/store brand cereal everywhere in America. The image I have is for generic Crispix, but I haven't seen it in a while. It has the bizarre/awesome name of Crispy Hexagons, and yet I've seen that same generic name at many different stores across many different states, all with the stores logo on it, so that's weird.

RATING: 70%

Parallels

Sorry for all the ST:TNG reviews, but I got a disc of the 7th season from netflix the other day. This is one of the best 7th season episodes, and maybe of all episodes of ST:TNG. Worf mysteriously shifts from reality to reality, and must figure out what the problem is. It's an interesting exploration on the nature of alternate realities, be they as different as somebody being dead (Picard) or cake being a different flavor (chocolate). Also Worf and Troi start totally doing it in this episode which is forgotten by the time they get to the movies, but that's ok because I've purposefully forgotten the movies.

RATING: 82%

Michigan by Sufjan Stevens

This album is pretty good I guess, but not as good as Illinois. If you find yourself at the store and Illinois is sold out or you already own it, and you want more of the same, then buy this album. Who am I, your financial advisor?

RATING: 74%

Inheritance

Data meets his mother (well, wife of his creator Dr. Soong) and it turns out SPOILERS she's an android because the real woman died. Anyway, this episode is boring, but I want to point out that the universe of Star Trek: The Next Generation is not a good one for parents. Worfs parents died in the Khitomer massacre when he was a kid, Riker's mother died shortly after his birth, Troi's father died when she was a kid, Wesley Crusher's father and Dr. Crusher's husband died when Wesley was a kid, Picard's parents died but he's old so whatev, Geordi's mother died when her whole ship went missing, and Data's real creator/father was killed by Data's evil twin brother Lore. So this episode is not the greatest but I wanted to point out those statistics to everybody.

RATING: 37%

Force Of Nature

I know a lot of you like Next Generation better so I thought I'd balance my review of Space Seed with this one. Anyway, this one is about intergalactic speed limits. That's typically the kind of thing you get with Next Generation.

RATING: 23%

Space Seed

This is one of the most famous episodes of the original Star Trek, because it has everybody's favorite scene chomping villain, Khan. Basically the Enterprise runs across a ship launched from Earth in the mid 1990s, and it turns out it's full of genetic supermen from the Eugenics Wars. Remember those? Well, me neither, but give them a break it was the 60s already. Anyway, Khan is a good villain and superintelligent but Kirk still outsmarts him by hitting him with a metal club.

RATING: 79%

Spring Break

I forgot to mention a couple posts ago one of the benefits of teaching is also all the breaks you get. Spring break is awesome.

RATING: 95%

Illinois by Sufjan Stevens

This is simply one of the best albums ever made. The lyrics are powerful and the closest lyrics can come to being considered poetry by snobs like me, and the music is complex and moving. And the idea of picking a state and just using that as a generative tool is something that I think is Whitmanian in scope. It's folksy, marching bandsy, and rocky all at once. I can't listen to this all the way through without repeating at least two or three songs, seriously.

RATING: 93%

Mississippi

Well, some of you (by some I mean two) may have noticed that I haven't posted in a few days, and that is because my girlfriend and I took a little vacation to visit my brother in Meridian, Mississippi. He's stationed up there for some training he has to do and it turns out he is bored as hell, with good reason, so I decided it would be cool to drop in. Anyway, it was great to see him and fun to hang out, but from the looks of it Mississippi is a pretty boring and uneventful place to live. For instance, everything closes at 6 on Sunday, so if you decide to do something that isn't go to church then you are pretty much out of luck pallie. Also, the restrooms there are dirty and people don't like to be very nice I guess, although it was a fun trip no thanks to Mississippi.

RATING: 24%

The Best Of Star Trek

This trade paperback is a collection of a few top stories from two Star Trek comic book series. It's not particularly great, although I am a completist so I like having it. Anyway, most of the stories in here are from the great first run of Star Trek on DC Comics, but there are a few from the mediocre second run that you should probably avoid. I know deep down you guys don't care about Star Trek, and especially long out of print Star Trek graphic novels, but I just have one more I just bought for way cheap, so I'll review that. Anyway, the best story in here is one where Scotty gets laid.

RATING: 53%

Substance by Joy Division

This is an ok compilation album with some great songs like Transmission and Love Will Tear Us Apart, but it's pretty uneven. I guess that's to be expected because it was never intended to be an album, but Ian Curtis hung himself because he wanted his band members to leave the underground punk scene in favor of setting the dance standard for the whole decade of the eighties. Anyway, you should definitely own this album but you'll probably skip a lot of songs like I do.

RATING: 54%

the new five dollar bill

I have a feeling that Glenn is going to hate that purple 5, but I LOVE it. Because nothin says "this money is worth something" like a giant purple 5. (And at .49 to the Pound, ain't it ever thankyoumrbush) Also, it's kind of like a government approved shout out to Sesame Street. Five! There are five purple bats! Seriously tho, I love that purple 5 and think more American money should have awesome colors like purple on it. Also, Mr. Lincoln is looking very distinguished here. Look out homos, cos A-to-tha-L is on the prowl tonight! Don't tell me you bitches didn't know that Lincoln was gay? Oh yeah, all the law students know that.*

Rating: 64%


*This does not constitute any serious claim that Lincoln was gay. Please don't sue me descendants of Lincoln.**

**I totally think he was gay, tho. If those cheekbones don't say gay I don't know what does!

Teaching

Teaching is what I want to do with my life; that is, I would love to teach creative writing at the college level for my actual job. However, teaching public school is almost unbearable, and that is what a lot of colleges are moving towards-- you have to deal with incessant bureaucracy, and the students are being forced away from actual curriculum that can help them learn in favor of curriculum that are easily quantifiable and measurable by the federal government. Kissimmee Middle School, the school at which I taught 7th grade, was ranked a 'C' school by Florida grading standards; however, a large part of that grade was based on our "technology" fulfillment, since we had a large number of computers on campus, although few of the computers were actually hooked up, and the students were rarely allowed to use the few that were except for standardized testing, but just the fact that they were present was enough to fulfill the technology criteria. Additionally, we all had to drop our regular curriculum for a month in preparation for the FCAT , Florida's standardized test, another way schools were graded; we didn't teach them actual knowledge during this time, but our school instead spent $10000 for this guy to come and teach us teachers how to teach the students "tricks" for taking standardized tests (the false answers, the misleading answers, etc). Of course most schools do things like this, because the lower a school is graded, the LESS funding it gets in the future, which makes perfect sense to me, thank you Jeb and George Bush.

RATING (teaching) - 92%
RATING (teaching at public school) - 11%

Steal This Double Album by The Coup

The Coup is a Marxist underground rap group, and they are pretty good I guess. This album has some pretty decent political songs, but after a while the theme of class repression gets tedious. There's a reason the Communist Manifesto is only like 40 pages long, because otherwise - boring. The music in the album is not very terrific either, although I guess I've only listened to it once, so who am I, Gene Shalit? Check it out if you hate rich people.

RATING: 55%

Murray Street by Sonic Youth

When this album came out in 2002 I was in love with it, largely because their previous album sucked so many balls. It has a lot of great, sweeping, gentle tracks on it, but now listening to it I am kind of disappointed that it only has 7 tracks on it, and I think it feels a little unfinished. It also starts with three Thurston songs in a row, which is weird, and only has two Kim songs and one Lee song. Anyway, it's not as good as Sonic Nurse I don't think, but it's still in the top 50% of their albums.

RATING: 61%

Marvel 1602

Marvel 1602 was an 8 issue limited series written by nerd favorite writer Neil Gaiman. It basically imagined what would happen if all the marvel heroes existed in the year 1602. At some point there is a convoluted attempt to tie it into current 616 continuity, but that was dumb, and the story basically fizzled out. While the writing was clever and the art was pretty, the conclusion of the story, which was promised to be shocking and unexpected, was just kind of boring and a cop out alternate reality thing. Sorry I can't give too much away without spoiling the plot.

RATING: 57%

High School

A lot of people love high school; in fact, when I was in high school at Columbia High School in Lake City, Florida, all of the faculty constantly told us these were the best years of our lives (I hoped that was bullshit, because I didn't really want to peak at 17). I am also not one of those people who hated high school. Yeah, there were assholes etc, but I had my share of good friends. But now, having met a lot of people who went to high schools in a lot of other places, I realize that I probably didn't have the best education. The year I graduated, 1998, Columbia High School was ranked last in high schools in Florida. That same year, Florida was ranked last in education in the whole country. So basically I graduated from the worst high school in the country. In my 9th grade class there were somewhere around 930 students, whereas our graduating class only had 420 students. That's over 50 percent loss. I guess on the other hand I never really had to study for anything ever my whole time there, but whenever people start talking about all the great contemporary literature they got to read in high school, I just think about our 40 year old textbooks. Ah well! I'm so dumb I can't even count to five.

RATING: 16%

Honey Nut Cheerios

Maybe I do eat too much cereal after all. Honey Nut Cheerios is a classic cereal that everybody loves including me. It was one of the cereals that we always had when I was a kid, so it's kind of stuck on me. I just wish they still made the Canadian version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal I always used to eat. How am I actually reviewing this cereal, and based on what criteria? Your guess is as good as mine.

RATING: 81%

Racquetball

Racquetball is pretty much the best sport ever to play if your name is me, which mine is. I like to play roller hockey, but that requires like 10 people, and I don't have 10 friends with gear and don't feel like spending 100 bucks for a league. I also like to play football, but again it's tough to call a bunch of people. Racquetball is great because you just need one other person, and also it is fast and you can be seriously hurt playing it, which makes it a legitimate sport. Plus, the other day I saw somebody go through the Plexiglas wall in one of the other courts, and that was pretty crazy (He was just cut a bit, though, no serious injury).

RATING: 88%

Martha Stewart

Bitch can bake, churn her own butter, organize your bathroom, and she's been in the big house. And then of course there's this:



Rating: 70%

this red pen that andrew cuomo's office gave me

So recently I went to this career fair, and as I was doing one last round of the tables before heading home to get drunk (not really, but sort of), I noticed this table with lots of stuff. Pens and keychains and junk like that. It was a table representing the NY State Attorney General's (Andrew Cuomo) office. I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I totally stopped to talk to them because you know, free pens! Anyway, I got this cool looking red pen that has been sitting in my bag ever since and I just dug it out tonight and started using it. Well, this shit looks cool but the clicky thing that makes the pen come out is broken. I had to actually use a second pen to make it work. What's up with that Andrew Cuomo? Since my taxes paid for this free pen it needs to work. Maybe you could put together a commission to work on that or something, hmm?

Rating: 39%
(I have to give it some points for a) being free and b) working after use of a second pen to make the pen part click out.

Ultimate X-Men Vol. 1: The Tomorrow People

When Marvel first announced their "ultimate" line of comics, a "rebooting" of some of their popular franchises, I was at first totally opposed. Mainly because of the cover art you see to your left; it looks like Wolverine is a teenager or something, and I thought it was going to be very childish rehashings of classic tales. It turns out that the books were in fact awesome, and this first volume of Ultimate X-Men is no different. I don't really recommend going to the store and picking up the latest issue, because you would be totally confused, but go to Borders or something and read the first 5 or 6 volumes of Ultimate X-Men in the store, and you won't be disappointed. It's a strongly sophisticated analogy of government fueled paranoia regarding terrorists and our reprehensible treatment of homosexuals in contemporary American society and it's got a lot of explosions.

RATING: 80%