Halloween II

Halloween II isn't as good as the original Halloween, but how could it be? The music isn't as good as the original. The mask isn't as good as the original. Laurie gets sidelined for the bulk of the movie while she recovers from the injuries she sustained during the original. And it sprinkles in some unnecessary back story which will eventually be purged from the mythology of the series. It just doesn't cut the mustard. It cuts a few throats, sure, but not the mustard. And yet, it's not all bad. I've seen The Curse of Michael Myers and Halloween: Resurrection. It's definitely better than those two movies.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Nightmare

A guy who had a terrible childhood trauma (he murdered his parents with an axe - maybe a little more traumatic for them tbh) decides to drive from New York to Florida and kill a buncha people on the way to kill his ex-wife and kids. This movie is famous for being the only "video nasty" (movies deemed by the British government to be harmful to society for violence and forced to make cuts) for which the distributor actually went to jail for refusing to make edits to the violence. I mean good to stick up for your art but also this isn't exactly a terrific movie to spend a year and a half in prison for!

RATING: 47%

Gerald's Game

A couple is trying to revitalize their failing relationship so they go to a remote cabin and do one of those sex games by handcuffing the woman to the bed. But uh oh! The husband has a heart attack and dies, leaving the wife stranded on the bed in the middle of nowhere and with no possibility of help. It's a pretty simple concept with a lotta stressful situations, though I really didn't get the whole last ten minutes where they talk about a serial killer who barely had anything to do with the movie.

RATING: 81%

New Year's Evil

I'll say this about New Year's Evil, the theme song kicks a whole lot of ass. The rest of the movie is alright, I guess. They certainly throw a lot of stuff at the wall, but not all of it really sticks. The plot doesn't really make a whole lot of sense either. At times, it seems like there are two (or three) separate movies going on at the same time. And there's at least one plot thread that doesn't really go anywhere. It's definitely a Cannon film. It's got that vibe. You can imagine that there was a conversation at some point that went something like this: "Friday the 13th made a lot of money. We should make a slasher movie like that." "I know, we can make one called New Year's Evil." "What would it be about?" "I don't know but I can have it ready in a month." "That's good because I've already sold the international distribution rights." ...and scene.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Howling II: ... Your Sister is a Werewolf

aka Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch

Wowzers. This movie is bad. Laughably bad. It's chock full of awful acting, poor dialogue, terrible ADR, gross werewolf sex, repetitive music and nonsensical plot points. It's almost a parody of a movie. It might also be my new favorite bad horror movie. On the plus side you get Christopher Lee dressed up for the most part like he's auditioning to play the Tall Man, except for one great scene where he's wearing a pair of those thin eighties sunglasses. There's also a couple of great werewolf attack/gunfight sequences. But above all, this movie is a must see for the editing. So many cut-away shots to puppets and owls. I tip my hat to the hopped up lunatics who cobbled together this film.

Rating: 42%

(Image from IMDB)

The Lords of Salem

A disillusioned disc jockey in Salem (Massachusetts, please!) gets a record sent in by a band but maybe it's one a those secret message Satan type rock records that hypnotizes women into becoming witches. I think it's good and funny that Rob Zombie, a rock musician probably accused of making "devil music," made a movie playing on those old rumors. It's got some great atmosphere, though for me in this our year 2018 it was hard not to root for these witches. I mean I guess it is too bad they serve some loser like Satan who lives in a poop pit but they're pretty much in control, mostly!

RATING: 89%

Nekromantik

In this notorious German gorefest a young couple is feeling a little bored in their sex life so they decide to spice it up by introducing a rotten corpse into their doing it. You know, German stuff. All the corpse sex stuff is obviously disturbing but this is also one of those movies (like Cannibal Holocaust) that tries to up the ante by showing a real animal get killed. Yeesh, ya didn't have to up the ante from your graphic corpse sex scenes, sleazos! At least it's a professional rabbit farmer this time and not like some repulsed actors coerced into killing a sea turtle like in Cannibal Holocaust. Anyway, I don't exactly know how to rate this movie - it grossed me out and that's what it was going for?

RATING: 50%

Piranha II: The Spawning

aka Piranha II: Flying Killers

Piranha II is not a good movie. At times it can be slow, boring, poorly edited and incoherent. The special effects don't look very good. Some of the effects may even have been re-used from the first movie. And seeing the movie now on blu ray certainly doesn't help hide any of its imperfections. Don't be fooled by the fact that this movie claims to have been directed by James Cameron. While he may have been behind the camera for most of the filming, the blame should fall at the feet of Ovidio G. Assonitis, the man who brought us Tentacles. Cameron was hired to replace the movie's first director but within days of starting on the project Assonitis took control of the film. And while Piranha II is certainly better than Tentacles, it still isn't very good. Also, if you can believe it, there are some reports out there that Lance Henriksen has described his time working on Piranha II as one of the worst experiences he's ever had making a film. Which is hardly surprising, considering they spelled his name wrong in the credits.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Happyotter)

The Shallows

After hitching a ride to a secluded beach, a surfer is attacked by a great white shark and left stranded a few hundred yards from the shore. With no help coming can she survive or will she die in The Shallows? This movie is honestly better than it has any right to be. Chalk it up to some really clever directing and an incredible performance from Blake Lively. It's certainly not a perfect movie, but it delivers the goods. You may, however, be left with the unfortunate impression that women in Hollywood only ever get these showy roles when it involves violence against them and/or they are required to wear a bikini for the majority of their performance.

Rating: 70%

(Image from IMDB)

From Beyond

I like think of myself as a horror connoisseur, so I'm a little embarrassed to only just now see this Lovecraft adaptation from the same crew as what made Re-Animator. Plus also Ken Foree from Dawn of the Dead who I met once at a comic convention and he was super nice! The plot is a couple scientists make contact with a dimension full of worm monsters, but then the older scientist gets possessed and turned into a half blob man. The younger scientist (everybody's favorite Weyoun Jeffrey Combs) gets booked for murder so a psychologist gets him out in order to show her what was up. Lot's of fun and wild body horror type stuff follows!

RATING: 73%

Duel

Before lighting the world on fire with Jaws, Steven Spielberg was a struggling director. Unable to get the material and opportunities he wanted because of his young age and lack of experience, he threw himself into directing for television. His first real breakout success came with the 1971 Movie of the Week Duel. The original TV movie received such acclaim that it was eventually padded out with some extra scenes and was released as a feature film in Europe. The most easily accessible version of the movie today is the European cut, which can definitely feel a little overlong at times. This movie is definitely a must-watch for Spielberg fans though. There are so many hints at where he'll go as a film maker in the first decade or so of his career. The masterful use of tension and release that proves so effective later in Jaws is here. The use of snakes and spiders and the incredible shots of cars and trucks moving at high speed that work so well in Raiders of the Lost Ark are here as well. Duel is the filmic equivalent of the basement tapes that proceed a great album.

Rating: A Valiant Effort%

(Image from IMDB)

Evil Dead

Usually I'm opposed to remakes of horror classics but ya know Evil Dead 2 was already basically a remake of Evil Dead 1, so why not do it again? Five friends go to a cabin in the middle of the woods to help one detox from heroin or cocaine or some kinda white powder never explained. Things are all well and good until one of them reads aloud some ancient Sumerian from a book made of human flesh, as one does, and demons start possessing everyone. It's pretty gruesome though kinda by the numbers until the last half hour, which is phenomenal. It does do a weird thing though where it feels like it has to explain the image from the original Evil Dead poster? Like why?

RATING: 80%

Bride of Frankenstein

Bride of Frankenstein is one of those rare sequels that might be better than the original. And that is, by no means, a slight to the original. Bride takes everything that was good about the first film and elevates it. James Whale, the director, never wanted to make a sequel to the original Frankenstein. Universal wanted to cash in on the success of the first film right away, but Whale refused. They made several attempts to get a sequel off the ground without him, but came up short after a number of attempts. It was only after Whale was given a considerable amount of creative freedom that he agreed to direct the film. Jack Pierce, the special effects makeup artist returned as well, improving on the iconic makeup designs he created for the first film. Sadly, censors cut several minutes from the film and the cut footage remains lost. What remains, however, is a stone cold classic.

Rating: 95%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Woman

I wonder how many dang horror movies there are that try to make the point that misogyny is bad by showing horrific violence against women for two hours. Like, there's got to be a better way! The plot in this one is that a seemingly (at first!) normal family guy finds a wild woman living in the wild and decides to chain her up in the cellar to civilized her. Yes, she eats raw animals and etc but maybe it's hm the extremely toxic dude who is the real monster, right? There's obviously some decent comeuppance but ya know, there's a lot to get through before that.

RATING: 63%

I Bury the Living

I Bury the Living is an odd little movie. With a run time of 77 minutes it feels like an extended episode of the Twilight Zone. And while it's classified as a horror movie it's almost a film noir thriller with light science fiction elements. After taking over a large cemetery, the lead character begins to suspect that he has gained the power of life and death. He struggles to get anyone to believe him. He even begins to believe that he might be going crazy. And while I have no problem telling you that the ultimate reveal of the film is pretty disappointing overall, this movie certainly has enough style to elevate it slightly over other similar movies from the 50s. I mean, it was directed by the same guy who would go on to direct Ghoulies II aka the best movie in the Ghoulies series, so you know you're in good hands here.

Rating: 60%

(Image from IMDB)

Premutos: The Fallen Angel

Don't let the fact that this movie was shot on VHS, has like six different names, features nobody who ever acted again, and is available in its entirety for free on YouTube - it's a definite blast to watch. Despite having seemingly no budget whatsoever, the movie has incredible and numerous gore effects - I don't wanna say it exactly rivals Dead Alive in execution, but it at least rivals it in sheer guts quantity. The plot is the first "fallen angel," even before Lucifer, gets resurrected after a dude gets hit in the balls. He brings a bunch of zombies back to attack people and they do. I forgot to mention the English dub is hilarious, so check it out!

RATING: 70%

Q

aka Q - The Winged Serpent

The movie starts with a window washer on a high rise getting his head torn off by a giant flying lizard creature and it only gets weirder from there. Michael Moriarty is the main character, I think. He certainly gives the biggest performance. He plays a rambling ex-con, ex-junkie, piano playing screw up who stumbles out of a heist and into the nest of the monster. If you thought he was something in The Stuff, then you will love him in this movie. David Carradine's character is a sarcastic tough guy cop and Richard Roundtree is barely in the movie. It's a weird movie that really isn't focused enough but it's also an enjoyable watch.

Rating: 61%

(Image from IMDB)

Hereditary

An artist’s difficult mother dies and then spooky stuff starts happening to her and her kids. Sorry to not be more specific but it’s kinda hard not to spoil what’s going on beyond the metaphorical level of the hereditary nature of mental illness. It’s really good though I feel like the first half is more of a depressing movie than a horror movie - also the movie lost two grade marks for the last ten seconds being a total ripoff of another famous horror movie. It does have one of the most uncomfortable sequences of any recent movie horror or otherwise when a character makes a biiiig mistake and then the camera just lingers on them while the other people figure it out. Also the Oscar’s Toni Collette’s to lose!

RATING: 92%

WNUF Halloween Special

This is a really pleasant found footage style movie that purports to be a 1980s local news broadcast that spirals into ghosts, murder, demons, haunted house, carpet warehouse commercials, etc. It replicates the style of 80s news and local commercials really well, but of course it kinda falls apart once things have to start being scary or whatever. I personally have a lot of mental strands connecting 80s low budge VHS situations to the proto horror neurons that exist in my brain, so you might enjoy it if you’re in your 30s, otherwise, IDK?

RATING: 68%

The Howling

Dee Wallace plays a television news anchor being stalked by a serial killer. After a particularly intense encounter with the killer, her therapist recommends spending some time at his secluded resort in the country. The locals seem a little odd and there's plenty of howling in the woods at night, but surely these things are unrelated. Or are they? They are. Very much so. The Howling is a Joe Dante movie through and through. Expect to see Dante regulars like Dick Miller, Robert Picardo and Belinda Balaski alongside Hollywood ringers like Kevin McCarthy, John Carradine and Slim Pickens. Heck, there are even cameos from Roger Corman, Forrest J. Ackerman, Mick Garris and John Sayles. The effects from Rob Bottin look pretty good, but there are definitely a few effects sequences that don't hold up. I'm looking at you, poorly animated fireside man-to-wolf transformation sequence.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Amazon)

Halloween II 1/2

On Halloween some goblins sneak into the Ghostbusters headquarters and bust Samhain out of the containment unit. Samhain turns the firehouse into a freaky fortress guarded by ghouls and ghosts. Will Samhain finally succeed in his quest to inflict eternal Halloween on the world? Nope. Samhain gets busted by the end of the episode, never to be seen again. This ends up being a pretty good episode of The Real Ghostbusters though. The animation quality has definitely improved since Samhain's first appearance. The voice cast has changed too, with Dave Coulier replacing Lorenzo Music in the role of Peter Venkman. Janine doesn't sound so Noo Yawk anymore and the Ghostbusters get some help from a trio of kids calling themselves the Junior Ghostbusters.

Rating: 1987%

(Image from sharetv.com)

Don't Breathe

Some Detroit ne'er-do-wells try to rob an old blind war vet of some money he got after his kid was killed by a rich teenager, which if you ask me is not a very nice thing to do! Of course since this is a horror movie and not an, I dunno, action comedy thriller things get pretty fucked up!

RATING: 90%

Inferno

Doctor Who and the Silurians, The Ambassadors of Death and Inferno are all very similar stories. I'd hesitate to call them "base under siege" stories but they're very much "base under siege" adjacent. In each story, the Doctor finds himself at a government facility where something hinky is going on. There are still monsters to be fought but, often, the biggest fight is with the pompous blowhard bureaucrat who's running the facility. In Inferno, it's a mining facility being run by the arrogant Professor Stahlman. The twist on the story, which certainly helps elevate it, is that the Doctor ends up being transported to a parallel world where he gets to witness what happens when the Professor's project reaches its conclusion. Also, it's a fascist parallel world. And there are hunchback werewolf zombies running around. It's a lot of fun.

Rating: I can see why you grew that moustache%

The Ambassadors of Death

The Doctor might be stuck working for UNIT but he's not exactly a kept man. When we first see him in The Ambassadors of Death he's trying to repair the TARDIS. Exile be damned, a rambler's gotta ramble. It's only after the Doctor sees an astronaut recovery mission go awry on TV that he decides to go out of his way to help the Brigadier. In fact, in a lovely little scene that seems to be typical of the Third Doctor, he forces his way into the highly secure Space Centre without any ID before the Brigadier even thinks to call him for assistance. What follows is an elaborate plot full of double crosses, murder, missing astronauts, missing aliens, robbery, space travel, anti-authoritarianism, shoot outs, kidnapping and just a hint of Watchmen. While the serial's ending is fairly abrupt (the Doctor declares the situation resolved and literally walks away) the rest of the episodes move at a great pace that keeps everything from getting too bogged down.

Rating: Thank you%

Doctor Who and the Silurians

Doctor Who was always a particularly British show, but with the Third Doctor exiled to Earth the British-ness of it all has really ramped up. In Doctor Who and the Silurians, the Brigadier summons the Doctor and Liz to a nuclear power research centre in the countryside. They soon find out that the centre's power is being drained by the Silurians, an ancient race of bipedal reptiles who've only recently been awoken from their eons-long slumber. What makes this serial especially British is that the greatest threat to the Doctor's mission are the power struggles going on between the various parties around the research centre. There are several great toadying bureaucrats all vying for ultimate authority at the centre. There's even a power struggle among the Silurians, with some of the creatures hoping to negotiate a peace between themselves and the humans while others seek to decimate the population and reclaim the planet. And while all of that doesn't sound particularly fun, it's actually a good serial with fast pacing.

Rating: You may ask%

Spearhead from Space

The TARDIS arrives in a forest in England. The door opens. A strange man walks out and then promptly collapses to the ground. And with that, the Third Doctor's era has begun. While only six months had passed between the airing of the last episode of The War Games and the first episode of Spearhead from Space, a lot had changed. The show was now in color (or colour, if you're nasty) and there was a new face in the opening credits, that of Jon Pertwee. This new era for the show had the Doctor exiled to Earth, unable to use the TARDIS independently, and forced to help UNIT defend the planet from enemies foreign, domestic and extra-terrestrial. In Spearhead from Space, the Doctor butts heads with a race called the Nestenes and their plastic henchmen, the Autons. The Doctor also joins up with a new companion, the brilliant and occasionally abrasive scientist Liz Shaw. Spearhead from Space is a reasonably good serial despite being fairly heavy on exposition. The pace definitely picks up in the second half though, with the Doctor charging in ahead of UNIT to destroy the would-be invaders.

Rating: Only I know that%

The War Games

Doctor Who almost didn't make it out of the '60s. After Patrick Troughton and his TARDIS companions announced their departures at the end of the show's sixth season, there were some serious discussions about cancelling the show altogether. Ratings were down and production issues were escalating. A number of scripts were cancelled at the last minute, necessitating a couple of longer serials to fill out the gaps. The eight part serial The Invasion was both a means of filling out the space left behind by a cancelled script and an attempt to figure out a way to do the show for even less money. The success of that serial gave the producers a way to continue making the show, but there was still the business of sending the Second Doctor off on his merry way.

At ten parts, The War Games should be a slog and yet it's probably one of the most entertaining stories from the Second Doctor era. It moves with an incredible speed and it's filled to the brim with great character actors and interesting locations. It has the basic structure of a historical serial from the First Doctor era but it also has a lot of great sci-fi elements as well. Our characters never get bogged down in one place for too long. And we're constantly being introduced to new characters, which is great because this serial has a significant death toll. The War Games ends with the Doctor confronting his fellow Time Lords and facing the heat for stealing the TARDIS and starting out on his adventures. Also, the big bad, The War Lord, kinda looks like Steve Jobs. I just thought you should know that.

Rating: I was bored%

The Lemon Ice King of Corona

It’s summertime, bitches! Or at least it feels like it after nine and a half years of winter. If you’re in NY and only going to like fancy ramen place in Brooklyn, wise up and get your ass to Corona. The Lemon Ice King, founded in 19-fucking-44, has 50 flavors of ices that are all so delicious that maybe you’ll forgive them for not mixing and get two for yourself. Pistachio has actual pistachio nuts in it, not that slivered almond Breyer’s shit. Peanut butter has peanut butter chips. Grape has an actual fatass grape. In the heart of summer there will be long lines and your butt will sweat and you never get enough napkins but it is all worth it. 

Rating: 86%

The Space Pirates

I wasn't looking forward to watching The Space Pirates. Despite knowing that it would be the last time I would have to sit through some grey market episode reconstructions, which I have done many times already, I was dreading getting started on this serial. Now, having seen it, I'd have to say that my fears were warranted. The Space Pirates isn't a particularly good serial, even if it did stray from the typical "base under siege" story format. I had issues with the costumes, the production designs and the acting, especially after just having seen The Seeds of Death. But perhaps the biggest factor working against The Space Pirates is how inconsequential it makes the Doctor and his companions. The story seems to unfold all around our heroes without them ever playing much of an active role. Other than an escape plan that the Doctor hatches using some marbles, candle wax and a pile of flaming rags, the bulk of the story just kind of pushes him along from A to B.

Rating: Zoe, don't be such a pessimist%

The Seeds of Death

The Seeds of Death isn't a particularly original serial but it still manages to be entertaining. It's another "base under siege" plot that seemingly borrows elements from a dozen other stories. The Doctor's adversary isn't even new, it's the return of the Ice Warriors. A lot should be said for the production design on this serial though. Despite their notoriously limited budgets, this serial features half a dozen highly detailed and creative sets. The script keeps up a great running pace, sending the Doctor and his companions from the Earth to the Moon and back again a number of times. The Ice Warriors make for a great return villain as well, introducing a new subset of Ice Warriors with streamlined costumes and slightly clearer speaking voices. I can't imagine this would be anyone's favorite Doctor Who serial but it's certainly an enjoyable entry in the Second Doctor's adventures.

Rating: Your leader will be angry if you kill me. I'm a genius%

The Krotons

The Krotons is a bit of a disappointment. Following The Mind Robber and The Invasion, The Krotons is just too formulaic. It's very similar to The Dominators and a few of the other unimaginative "base under siege" stories. The Doctor and his companions arrive on a planet populated by the Gonds and their mysterious overlords, the Krotons. Centuries earlier the Gonds and the Krotons were at war but they have since settled into an uneasy truce. The Krotons use their advanced technology to educate the Gonds, asking only that the smartest of the Gonds become their "companions." The Doctor soon discovers that these "companions" are used up and disposed of by the Krotons, while the rest of the Gonds are kept in the dark. Will the Doctor solve the mystery of the Krotons and stop them before it's too late? Yes, yes he will. Also, the Krotons look like really crappy versions of Robby the Robot.

Rating: Zoe is something of a genius. Of course it can be very irritating at times%