Easter

I bet you guys thought I was going to put a cadbury egg up there, didn't you? Anyway, Easter is a time for us all to celebrate the one true God by embracing a bunch of pagan rituals. For those of us who aren't religious, it's a time to wait for Monday so we can get some super cheap Easter candy, which is the best holiday candy of the whole year. I don't like peeps really, but I gotta say those Cadbury Eggs, and in particular the new orange creme ones, are pretty awesome. Thanks Jesus!

RATING: 73%

Captain America: Cap Lives

No, this does not have to do with the recent death of Captain America, but rather it is an alternate universe type storyline written by Dave Gibbons a few years ago in which Captain America wakes up after being frozen in ice for 20 years after the war to find that the Nazis had won World War II and his nemesis the Red Skull is the new fuhrer. Captain America leads this revolution against the Nazis, which includes pretty much every hero in the marvel universe, albeit without powers. It's kind of totally unbelievable, but it's a pretty fun four issue romp. It's available in trade if you really want to find it, but I wouldn't go through too much trouble if I were you which I'm not.

RATING: 52%

The L-Word Season 5

The L-Word is a show that is totally ridiculous and also about rich lesbians in LA. Everybody who watches the show and likes it says it's totally over the top and not really good, but also that it is tres addictive. When I was invited to watch it with some friends, I thought "great, this will suck," but then it turned out to be totally addictive even though it is crazy. I also dressed up as one of the characters for the season finale tonight but you aren't seeing that picture.

RATING: 61%

Scooby-Doo: Night Of 100 Frights

Typically games inspired by movies or tv shows are terrible with the exception of Spider-man 2, but even I'm in the minority on that one apparently. This one is actually pretty good, though. It's a basic fun platformer, but what pushes it up into the next level is that it really faithfully recreates the atmosphere of the original Scooby-Doo show. They grain up the visuals, and even add a way fake laugh track and a way real Don Knotts in one of his last performances. So I guess I can recommend this, because you ain't gonna find Don Knotts in Grand Theft Auto IV.

RATING: 74%

Plankton

In case you can't tell, we had a bad horror movie night last night. This movie is about flying/ walking/ killing/ just-about-anything-but-swimming fish. Some stupid teenagers find a yacht and then get killed by the fish. Spoilers.

RATING: 15%

Slugs: The Movie

There aren't too many movies in which a health inspector is the main hero. I can only think of this movie, and Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Anyway, this movie is probably better than that one, and about as good as you can expect for a movie about a bunch of killer slugs.

RATING: 22%

Halloweeen III: Season Of The Witch

Imagine you are a big fan of Halloween I and II, the movies with Michael Myers the unstoppable killer, and you are tres excited about the third installment. Then you get to the theater and it turns out the movie has no Michael Myers, and is about some druids who make this popular Halloween mask that when kids watch this show on Halloween night it will send a signal to the masks that will shoot a laser into their head and turn their brain into snakes and spiders and bugs. Well, you might have been pissed. On the bright side, this movie is hilarious to explain to people or watch while drinking.

RATING: 15%

The Pegasus

Here's another episode of TNG for you. This episode is about the first ship Riker served on, which apparently he helped the captain escape a mutiny, which years later he regrets. It turns out the captain was doing treaty-violating experiments with a cloaking device that were way dangerous and also against the law. Anyway, that's all boring, but what isn't boring is the part where Picard yells at Riker and Riker cries like a baby. Well, metaphorically.

RATING: 72%

Star Trek: The Mirror Universe Saga

This trade takes place immediately following Star Trek III, in which Spock had been brought back from the dead, the Enterprise had been self-destructed, and Kirk and co. were in big trouble for disobeying orders. So this comic has them thwart an invasion from the mirror universe, a universe where all the main characters from Star Trek are evil and have goatees. I always thought it was weird TNG never did an episode with the mirror universe, but then again the DS9 episodes with the mirror universe sucked so maybe it was a good idea. This comic is pretty well written, and captures the spirit of Trek pretty well. Maybe I would have liked this better as a sequel instead of Star Trek IV, but I guess I'm in the minority on that one.

RATING: 61%

Generic Cereal

Instead of reviewing a new cereal to have everybody grumble at me for eating too many carbs or something Dr. Phil, I decided to review generic cereal in general. Overall, I like generic cereal because it is cheap and sometimes the taste is so weird it's actually better than the real cereal (like generic Cheerios). I do think it's a little suspect, though, that there is pretty much one manufacturer of generic/store brand cereal everywhere in America. The image I have is for generic Crispix, but I haven't seen it in a while. It has the bizarre/awesome name of Crispy Hexagons, and yet I've seen that same generic name at many different stores across many different states, all with the stores logo on it, so that's weird.

RATING: 70%

Parallels

Sorry for all the ST:TNG reviews, but I got a disc of the 7th season from netflix the other day. This is one of the best 7th season episodes, and maybe of all episodes of ST:TNG. Worf mysteriously shifts from reality to reality, and must figure out what the problem is. It's an interesting exploration on the nature of alternate realities, be they as different as somebody being dead (Picard) or cake being a different flavor (chocolate). Also Worf and Troi start totally doing it in this episode which is forgotten by the time they get to the movies, but that's ok because I've purposefully forgotten the movies.

RATING: 82%

Michigan by Sufjan Stevens

This album is pretty good I guess, but not as good as Illinois. If you find yourself at the store and Illinois is sold out or you already own it, and you want more of the same, then buy this album. Who am I, your financial advisor?

RATING: 74%

Inheritance

Data meets his mother (well, wife of his creator Dr. Soong) and it turns out SPOILERS she's an android because the real woman died. Anyway, this episode is boring, but I want to point out that the universe of Star Trek: The Next Generation is not a good one for parents. Worfs parents died in the Khitomer massacre when he was a kid, Riker's mother died shortly after his birth, Troi's father died when she was a kid, Wesley Crusher's father and Dr. Crusher's husband died when Wesley was a kid, Picard's parents died but he's old so whatev, Geordi's mother died when her whole ship went missing, and Data's real creator/father was killed by Data's evil twin brother Lore. So this episode is not the greatest but I wanted to point out those statistics to everybody.

RATING: 37%

Force Of Nature

I know a lot of you like Next Generation better so I thought I'd balance my review of Space Seed with this one. Anyway, this one is about intergalactic speed limits. That's typically the kind of thing you get with Next Generation.

RATING: 23%

Space Seed

This is one of the most famous episodes of the original Star Trek, because it has everybody's favorite scene chomping villain, Khan. Basically the Enterprise runs across a ship launched from Earth in the mid 1990s, and it turns out it's full of genetic supermen from the Eugenics Wars. Remember those? Well, me neither, but give them a break it was the 60s already. Anyway, Khan is a good villain and superintelligent but Kirk still outsmarts him by hitting him with a metal club.

RATING: 79%

Spring Break

I forgot to mention a couple posts ago one of the benefits of teaching is also all the breaks you get. Spring break is awesome.

RATING: 95%

Illinois by Sufjan Stevens

This is simply one of the best albums ever made. The lyrics are powerful and the closest lyrics can come to being considered poetry by snobs like me, and the music is complex and moving. And the idea of picking a state and just using that as a generative tool is something that I think is Whitmanian in scope. It's folksy, marching bandsy, and rocky all at once. I can't listen to this all the way through without repeating at least two or three songs, seriously.

RATING: 93%

Mississippi

Well, some of you (by some I mean two) may have noticed that I haven't posted in a few days, and that is because my girlfriend and I took a little vacation to visit my brother in Meridian, Mississippi. He's stationed up there for some training he has to do and it turns out he is bored as hell, with good reason, so I decided it would be cool to drop in. Anyway, it was great to see him and fun to hang out, but from the looks of it Mississippi is a pretty boring and uneventful place to live. For instance, everything closes at 6 on Sunday, so if you decide to do something that isn't go to church then you are pretty much out of luck pallie. Also, the restrooms there are dirty and people don't like to be very nice I guess, although it was a fun trip no thanks to Mississippi.

RATING: 24%

The Best Of Star Trek

This trade paperback is a collection of a few top stories from two Star Trek comic book series. It's not particularly great, although I am a completist so I like having it. Anyway, most of the stories in here are from the great first run of Star Trek on DC Comics, but there are a few from the mediocre second run that you should probably avoid. I know deep down you guys don't care about Star Trek, and especially long out of print Star Trek graphic novels, but I just have one more I just bought for way cheap, so I'll review that. Anyway, the best story in here is one where Scotty gets laid.

RATING: 53%

Substance by Joy Division

This is an ok compilation album with some great songs like Transmission and Love Will Tear Us Apart, but it's pretty uneven. I guess that's to be expected because it was never intended to be an album, but Ian Curtis hung himself because he wanted his band members to leave the underground punk scene in favor of setting the dance standard for the whole decade of the eighties. Anyway, you should definitely own this album but you'll probably skip a lot of songs like I do.

RATING: 54%

the new five dollar bill

I have a feeling that Glenn is going to hate that purple 5, but I LOVE it. Because nothin says "this money is worth something" like a giant purple 5. (And at .49 to the Pound, ain't it ever thankyoumrbush) Also, it's kind of like a government approved shout out to Sesame Street. Five! There are five purple bats! Seriously tho, I love that purple 5 and think more American money should have awesome colors like purple on it. Also, Mr. Lincoln is looking very distinguished here. Look out homos, cos A-to-tha-L is on the prowl tonight! Don't tell me you bitches didn't know that Lincoln was gay? Oh yeah, all the law students know that.*

Rating: 64%


*This does not constitute any serious claim that Lincoln was gay. Please don't sue me descendants of Lincoln.**

**I totally think he was gay, tho. If those cheekbones don't say gay I don't know what does!

Teaching

Teaching is what I want to do with my life; that is, I would love to teach creative writing at the college level for my actual job. However, teaching public school is almost unbearable, and that is what a lot of colleges are moving towards-- you have to deal with incessant bureaucracy, and the students are being forced away from actual curriculum that can help them learn in favor of curriculum that are easily quantifiable and measurable by the federal government. Kissimmee Middle School, the school at which I taught 7th grade, was ranked a 'C' school by Florida grading standards; however, a large part of that grade was based on our "technology" fulfillment, since we had a large number of computers on campus, although few of the computers were actually hooked up, and the students were rarely allowed to use the few that were except for standardized testing, but just the fact that they were present was enough to fulfill the technology criteria. Additionally, we all had to drop our regular curriculum for a month in preparation for the FCAT , Florida's standardized test, another way schools were graded; we didn't teach them actual knowledge during this time, but our school instead spent $10000 for this guy to come and teach us teachers how to teach the students "tricks" for taking standardized tests (the false answers, the misleading answers, etc). Of course most schools do things like this, because the lower a school is graded, the LESS funding it gets in the future, which makes perfect sense to me, thank you Jeb and George Bush.

RATING (teaching) - 92%
RATING (teaching at public school) - 11%

Steal This Double Album by The Coup

The Coup is a Marxist underground rap group, and they are pretty good I guess. This album has some pretty decent political songs, but after a while the theme of class repression gets tedious. There's a reason the Communist Manifesto is only like 40 pages long, because otherwise - boring. The music in the album is not very terrific either, although I guess I've only listened to it once, so who am I, Gene Shalit? Check it out if you hate rich people.

RATING: 55%

Murray Street by Sonic Youth

When this album came out in 2002 I was in love with it, largely because their previous album sucked so many balls. It has a lot of great, sweeping, gentle tracks on it, but now listening to it I am kind of disappointed that it only has 7 tracks on it, and I think it feels a little unfinished. It also starts with three Thurston songs in a row, which is weird, and only has two Kim songs and one Lee song. Anyway, it's not as good as Sonic Nurse I don't think, but it's still in the top 50% of their albums.

RATING: 61%

Marvel 1602

Marvel 1602 was an 8 issue limited series written by nerd favorite writer Neil Gaiman. It basically imagined what would happen if all the marvel heroes existed in the year 1602. At some point there is a convoluted attempt to tie it into current 616 continuity, but that was dumb, and the story basically fizzled out. While the writing was clever and the art was pretty, the conclusion of the story, which was promised to be shocking and unexpected, was just kind of boring and a cop out alternate reality thing. Sorry I can't give too much away without spoiling the plot.

RATING: 57%

High School

A lot of people love high school; in fact, when I was in high school at Columbia High School in Lake City, Florida, all of the faculty constantly told us these were the best years of our lives (I hoped that was bullshit, because I didn't really want to peak at 17). I am also not one of those people who hated high school. Yeah, there were assholes etc, but I had my share of good friends. But now, having met a lot of people who went to high schools in a lot of other places, I realize that I probably didn't have the best education. The year I graduated, 1998, Columbia High School was ranked last in high schools in Florida. That same year, Florida was ranked last in education in the whole country. So basically I graduated from the worst high school in the country. In my 9th grade class there were somewhere around 930 students, whereas our graduating class only had 420 students. That's over 50 percent loss. I guess on the other hand I never really had to study for anything ever my whole time there, but whenever people start talking about all the great contemporary literature they got to read in high school, I just think about our 40 year old textbooks. Ah well! I'm so dumb I can't even count to five.

RATING: 16%

Honey Nut Cheerios

Maybe I do eat too much cereal after all. Honey Nut Cheerios is a classic cereal that everybody loves including me. It was one of the cereals that we always had when I was a kid, so it's kind of stuck on me. I just wish they still made the Canadian version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal I always used to eat. How am I actually reviewing this cereal, and based on what criteria? Your guess is as good as mine.

RATING: 81%

Racquetball

Racquetball is pretty much the best sport ever to play if your name is me, which mine is. I like to play roller hockey, but that requires like 10 people, and I don't have 10 friends with gear and don't feel like spending 100 bucks for a league. I also like to play football, but again it's tough to call a bunch of people. Racquetball is great because you just need one other person, and also it is fast and you can be seriously hurt playing it, which makes it a legitimate sport. Plus, the other day I saw somebody go through the Plexiglas wall in one of the other courts, and that was pretty crazy (He was just cut a bit, though, no serious injury).

RATING: 88%

Martha Stewart

Bitch can bake, churn her own butter, organize your bathroom, and she's been in the big house. And then of course there's this:



Rating: 70%

this red pen that andrew cuomo's office gave me

So recently I went to this career fair, and as I was doing one last round of the tables before heading home to get drunk (not really, but sort of), I noticed this table with lots of stuff. Pens and keychains and junk like that. It was a table representing the NY State Attorney General's (Andrew Cuomo) office. I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I totally stopped to talk to them because you know, free pens! Anyway, I got this cool looking red pen that has been sitting in my bag ever since and I just dug it out tonight and started using it. Well, this shit looks cool but the clicky thing that makes the pen come out is broken. I had to actually use a second pen to make it work. What's up with that Andrew Cuomo? Since my taxes paid for this free pen it needs to work. Maybe you could put together a commission to work on that or something, hmm?

Rating: 39%
(I have to give it some points for a) being free and b) working after use of a second pen to make the pen part click out.

Ultimate X-Men Vol. 1: The Tomorrow People

When Marvel first announced their "ultimate" line of comics, a "rebooting" of some of their popular franchises, I was at first totally opposed. Mainly because of the cover art you see to your left; it looks like Wolverine is a teenager or something, and I thought it was going to be very childish rehashings of classic tales. It turns out that the books were in fact awesome, and this first volume of Ultimate X-Men is no different. I don't really recommend going to the store and picking up the latest issue, because you would be totally confused, but go to Borders or something and read the first 5 or 6 volumes of Ultimate X-Men in the store, and you won't be disappointed. It's a strongly sophisticated analogy of government fueled paranoia regarding terrorists and our reprehensible treatment of homosexuals in contemporary American society and it's got a lot of explosions.

RATING: 80%