G.I. Joe: The Movie

In 1986, while riding high on the success of their respective toy lines and TV shows, Hasbro released The Transformers: The Movie and My Little Pony: The Movie theatrically. Neither film performed well at the box office. The Transformers: The Movie also managed to traumatize some of it's young audience by killing off many of their favorite characters. G.I. Joe: The Movie, originally intended to be released around the same time as those other two Hasbro films, was eventually released direct-to-video in 1987. While many of the classic G.I. Joe characters get sidelined throughout the movie to allow for a greater focus on a crop of new Joes, production delays allowed the filmmakers to sidestep The Transformers: The Movie's biggest taboo: killing off a beloved main character. Watching the movie now, it's clear that the Joe's leader Duke was meant to die in the film. Serpentor straight up stabs Duke in the heart with a spear, but thanks to some new dialogue Duke merely goes into a coma. And even though we never see Duke again onscreen, a character announces to everyone at the end of the film that Duke has come out of the coma and is going to be A-okay.  

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Swamp Thing

At a research base, deep in the swampland, Dr. Alec Holland is working on a top secret formula. But, after the base is attacked by the nefarious Anton Arcane, Alec Holland is seemingly killed and the Swamp Thing is born. With the help of Alice Cable, Swamp Thing attempts to stop Arcane from using Alec Holland's formula for evil. While I'm sure 1982's Swamp Thing has its defenders, I can't imagine it tops many people's lists of favorite Wes Craven or superhero films. The makeup design for Swamp Thing looks like a cross between the Toxic Avenger and a sad, gloopy Gumby. Harry Manfredini's score doesn't really fit the tone of the movie, mostly because it sounds like all of the scores he did for the Friday the 13th films. There are a handful of impressive stunts in the movie, as well as a number of explosions that seem to be going off dangerously close to the actors.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Logopolis

At the beginning of this story, the Doctor is in a bit of a pensive mood. Even though he’s been trying to get back to Gallifrey since his time on Tigella, the Doctor decides that it’s time he made some long overdue repairs to the TARDIS. After making a stop on Earth to do some research, the Doctor accidentally picks up two passengers: an airline stewardess named Tegan Jovanka and the Master. After leaving Earth, the Doctor heads to Logopolis to meet with the Monitor, who’s prowess in block-transfer computations will help the Doctor make the necessary repairs to the TARDIS. Once on Logopolis, the Doctor and Adric are reunited with Nyssa, who claims she was brought there by a friend of the Doctor. Having kept his presence hidden up to that point, the Master begins to search for the secret behind the Logopolitans’ powerful mathematics. The Master’s plot winds up putting the fate of the entire universe at risk. The situation gets bad enough that the Doctor is forced to team up with the Master. And while their short-lived partnership ultimately saves most of the universe, it ends up costing the Doctor one of his lives. The final story of the Fourth Doctor era is, honestly, a bit of a disappointment. All the timey-wimey mumbo jumbo about block-transfer computations and all-powerful mathematics is pretty boring. And the Master’s brief face turn towards the end of the story feels like it was lifted directly from Terror of the Autons.

Rating: Back in two shakes%

Live Free or Die Hard

As a favor to the FBI, John McClane is tasked with escorting a hacker to Washington, D.C. Things quickly start to go sideways after a group of hitmen try to kill the hacker before McClane can bring him in. With assassins following their every move, McClane and the hacker attempt to stop a group of terrorists who are attempting to bring down America through a coordinated cyber attack. As far as Die Hard movies go, Live Free or Die Hard probably ranks second to last for most people. What saves it from being dead last, for me at least, is the presence of Justin Long as the hacker. Long has an endless supply of charisma and his back and forth with Bruce Willis, while being somewhat derivative of the odd couple dynamic in Die Hard with a Vengeance, elevates the movie overall. Timothy Olyphant is good as the leader of the terrorists, but lacks the intimidating gravitas of previous villains in the series. And Kevin Smith is unnecessarily shoehorned into the movie as another hacker.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Hot to Trot

After his mother passes away, Fred inherits a talking horse and half of his stepfather's stock brokerage. Rather than selling off his half of the brokerage, Fred tries to make it in the world of high finance. And he begins to find success, thanks to stock tips from an unlikely source: Don, the talking horse. No, really. Because John Candy provides the voice of the talking horse, Hot to Trot has been on my radar ever since it was first released but I only recently watched it for the first time. It's not very good, but I didn't hate it. I'm not sure I'll ever watch it again, but I didn't hate it. The premise of the movie is pretty old school, something like a cross between a Marx Brothers movie and a wacky live action Disney movie from the 70s. There's plenty of great people in the movie like Bobcat Goldthwait, Dabney Coleman, Burgess Meredith, Tim Kazurinsky and Gilbert Gottfried. And yet, it's still not a very good movie. But, I didn't hate it.

Rating: 56%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Bobcat Goldthwait and Tim Kazurinsky were both in Police Academy 2, 3 and 4.

Deadly Blessing

In a small farming town, the only thing separating the normal, everyday folks from the religious Hittite community is a simple fence. Similar to the Amish, but apparently far stricter, the Hittite people shun modern technology and anyone not already in their faith. When Jim Schmidt, a former Hittite, is mysteriously killed, the leader of the Hittites claim that it is the work of the Incubus. Martha, Jim's pregnant widow, refuses to sell her farm to the Hittites, regardless of the pressure coming from the religious group's leaders and all of the strange things happening around her. Deadly Blessing is an atmospheric horror thriller. While I would hesitate to call it a slasher, there are definitely some slasher elements in it, most notably the score by James Horner which sounds like it was taken from a Friday the 13th film. Michael Berryman has a memorable part in the film, alongside Sharon Stone in one her earliest roles. There are some scenes in Deadly Blessing that would be reworked and redone in A Nightmare on Elm Street, including a bathtub sequence that might actually be better in Deadly Blessing.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Keeper of Traken

While taking in some of the sights of N-Space, the TARDIS is infiltrated by a powerful being from the planet Traken, known as the Keeper, who asks for the Doctor's help. And though the Doctor is quick to offer his assistance, the Keeper warns of great danger, an unimaginable threat that could destroy the Doctor and his companion. After arriving on Traken, the Doctor and Adric are framed for murder and sentenced to death. As they try to clear their names, a sinister foe lurks in the shadows. Spoiler alert: that sinister foe turns out to be the Master. Last seen in The Deadly Assassin, the Master tries to steal the Keeper's powers in order to secure a new body for himself. Though fairly average overall, The Keeper of Traken is notable for introducing the character Nyssa, who would go on to become one of the Doctor's companions.

 

Rating: Don't listen to me. I never do%

Rambo: First Blood Part II

In First Blood, we saw what a killing machine is capable of in a civilian setting. In Rambo: First Blood Part II, we get to see what a killing machine is capable of in a combat setting. Having been sent to prison for royally fucking up a small town, John Rambo is offered a chance at redemption. The mission: go back to Vietnam and investigate a camp that may be housing American POWs. Rambo is sent in with strict instructions not to engage the enemy. But, once again, the powers that be have severely underestimated the man they're dealing with. Rambo: First Blood Part II is a two-fisted action movie through and through. Any subtlety and nuance that was present in First Blood has been replaced with explosions and bullet holes. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.  

Rating: 76%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Dog Who Stopped the War

aka La guerre des tuques

Going into Christmas vacation, a group of kids decide to fill their free time with an all out snowball war. One faction builds an elaborate snow fort while the other side attempts to seize it. The war rages on every day from sunup to sundown. From the people who brought you The Peanut Butter Solution comes The Dog Who Stopped the War, another cherished Canadian children's film. Between the two movies, The Dog Who Stopped the War is probably remembered more fondly, since it's fairly straightforward and slightly less traumatic. While I wouldn't say that any of the children in the movie were particularly good actors, their characters were well defined and their uniforms were pretty funny.

Rating: 65%

(Image from IMDB)

The Hills Have Eyes

On their way to California, the Carters take a detour to check out an old mine that had been gifted to them. After getting lost in the desert, their car breaks down, leaving them stranded. Soon after, a group of cannibals begin to prey on the family. The Hills Have Eyes is 70s horror in the tradition of films like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, it's tense, brutal and unrelenting. The cast is very good and notably includes a few genre all-stars like Dee Wallace and Michael Berryman. I think it's safe to say that a lot of cannibal horror movies that came later took some inspiration from The Hills Have Eyes. I'm looking at you Wrong Turn. 

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Warriors' Gate

While searching for a way out of E-Space, the Doctor and his companions find themselves in a seemingly empty void. It's not long before they're discovered by the crew of a cargo ship that is also stranded in the void. Instead of trying to help each other, the crew of the cargo ship kidnap Romana and attempt to use her as a replacement for their time sensitive navigator. The crew then discover the location of a mysterious gate inside the void that may reveal the way out of E-Space. Warriors' Gate starts off well enough, setting up the mystery of the void and introducing the cargo ship crew and their Tharil navigator, but it starts to lose steam in the middle of the story. The Tharils are an interesting, yet somewhat underdeveloped, part of the story. They're a race of powerful creatures with the ability to travel through time and space. In appearance, they look like a cross between the Cowardly Lion and David Bowie's character in Labyrinth. At the end of the story, Romana decides to stay behind and help the Tharils. Her exit is abrupt and unceremonious, not to mention almost identical to Leela's exit in The Invasion of Time. 

Rating: You were the noblest Romana of them all%

Lethal Weapon

Roger Murtaugh, a veteran cop and family man, is teamed up with Martin Riggs, a man on the edge after the death of his wife. Their case, the apparent suicide of a young woman involved with prostitution and pornography. An autopsy soon reveals that the young woman was actually murdered and as Riggs and Murtaugh begin to dig deeper, the bodies begin to pile up. Lethal Weapon is a stone cold 80s action movie classic. Well written and plotted with a stellar supporting cast. A great example of both odd couple and buddy cop formulas. Parts of the movie might seem cliché today, only because so much of this movie has been copied and parodied in the years since its first release.

Rating: 84%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Ski School

Hoping to impress some prospective buyers, the manager of a ski resort decides to crack down on some of the resort's less desirable elements. At the top of the list, Dave Marshak and the party animals of ski school's Section 8. As a movie, Ski School is a pretty good amalgamation of the goofier parts of Ski Patrol and the hornier parts of Hot Dog... The Movie. It has its own comedic sensibility, which helps to set it apart from those other films. Much like Ski Patrol, Ski School was shot at a time when the 90s hadn't quite established its own identity yet. And, because of that, the amount of neon clothing in Ski School is staggering.

Rating: 69% (Party!)

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Muppet Christmas Carol

It's the classic Christmas story that you know and love, just with more pigs and frogs than the average adaptation. Michael Caine stars as Ebenezer Scrooge, in a pitch perfect performance. It's the kind of committed performance that elevates the movie overall. The Muppets themselves occaisonally take a back seat to Caine's performance while still fitting perfectly into the story. Kermit the Frog is fantastic as Bob Cratchit. And the choice to have Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat narrate the story really helps with the pacing and makes everything more accessible for the audience. 

Rating: 82%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Toy Tinkers

After seeing him chop down a Christmas tree in the woods, Chip 'n' Dale follow Donald Duck home. When Donald catches Chip 'n' Dale stealing his Christmas treats, a full-on battle breaks out. As for who comes out victorious, it should come as no surprise. Released in the late 1940s, Toy Tinkers is a classic Disney animated short. 

Rating: Toy Guns%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fa La La La Laagghh!

After finding out about a neighborhood lighting display contest, Carl tricks Steve into helping him deck out the Winslow's roof. Meanwhile, Harriette starts to feel the Christmas Blues after Eddie and Laura are too busy to help her decorate the Christmas tree. Thankfully, Estelle is there to teach everyone a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas. Despite being in the opening credits, Richie does not appear in the episode, nor is he mentioned. Similarly, the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo is also, unfortunately, absent from this episode.

 

Rating: Roller Blades%

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

The Great Ak calls the leaders of the Immortals to the Forest of Burzee for a council meeting. His request, bestowing immortality to the mortal known as Santa Claus. To convince the other Immortals, the Great Ak tells them the story of Santa Claus's life and adventures. An adaptation of the book by L. Frank Baum, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus was Rankin/Bass's final Christmas Special done with stop motion animation. Much like Pinocchio's Christmas and The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold, the animation in The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus is top notch. The character designs are pretty impressive too, especially the evil Awgwas. The plot of the special is complete nonsense, but I wouldn't have expected anything else from Rankin/Bass. 

Rating: Immortality%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Chill Zone

Lawrence Limburger, an evil alien disguised as a rich industrialist, unleashes a horde of snow sucking robots to steal all of the ice in Chicago. And he might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky Biker Mice from Mars. Watching this episode of Biker Mice from Mars, I was stuck by two things: (1) the show's theme song sucks. It's just wailing cock rock, there's no cool lyrics about the origins of the Biker Mice. And (2) the writing on Biker Mice from Mars is terrible. It's all alliteration and bad puns. There was even a subtle knock against the Ninja Turtles at one point. But, let's face it, there wouldn't have been a Biker Mice from Mars show without the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles walked so that the Biker Mice from Mars could, I don't know, pop a wheelie or something.

 

Rating: A New Orphanage%

Home Alone 3

While stuck at home with the chicken pox, Alex Pruitt begins to notice some suspicious new people in his neighborhood. Little does he know, at first, that they're actually a group of international thieves who are trying to recover some stolen military tech that had accidentally been picked up by Alex's neighbor, Mrs. Hess. Once the thieves realize that their cover has been blown, they launch an all out assault on Alex's home. You can imagine how that goes. I was sixteen by the time that Home Alone 3 came out, twice the age of the lead character, and the series didn't have the same appeal to me anymore. I might have had more interest in seeing the movie if Macaulay Culkin had been in it but I can't really blame him for turning it down.

Rating: 52%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Haviland Morris, who played Alex's mother, also played Marla Bloodstone in Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

Max Headroom's Giant Christmas Turkey

I'm old enough to remember Max Headroom and yet I'm not sure that I can properly explain Max Headroom. The short version is that he's a talking (stuttering) head inside a TV who alternates between hosting shows and selling New Coke. What's New Coke? You know what, let's not get into that here. This is supposed to be a review for Max Headroom's Giant Christmas Turkey, a deeply strange and cynical Christmas special that aired in 1986. It has everything you'd expect to see in a Christmas special. It has songs and celebrity guests, like Bob Geldof, Robin Williams and Tina Turner. It has choirs and smiling children. It has gay jokes and Cold War politics. And, I don't know if I mentioned this, it's hosted by a stuttering digital torso inside a television.

 

Rating: Golf Clubs%

Home for Christmas

While on Christmas vacation, Zack Morris bumps into Laura Benton at the mall. Zack tries to impress Laura with some of his trademark charm, but Laura seems reluctant to spend time with Zack or tell him anything about herself. It's only after the gang goes to the hospital to visit a man who collapsed at the mall that they learn the truth, the man is Laura's father and they're both homeless. Saved by the Bell, typically a fairly featherlight show, would occasionally take a stab at tackling serious issues, often with mixed results. "Home for Christmas" handles the issue fairly well, both by acknowledging the main characters' privilege and also their ignorance, with Zack really stepping in it in front of Laura when he suggests that some homeless people are just winos or worse. And while things end up fairly well for Laura and her father, those characters are never seen or mentioned again.

 

Rating: A Sport Coat%

Olive, the Other Reindeer

With Blitzen injured, Christmas is on the verge of being cancelled. But Olive, inspired by mishearing something said by Santa, sets off on an adventure to reach the North Pole and save Christmas. Along the way, Olive teaches everyone she meets a little something about the Christmas Spirit. Olive, the Other Reindeer isn't just an old Dad joke, it's also a children's book and a crudely animated TV special. The animation style is somewhere between Reboot and early South Park. It looks like something an ambitious child might have made. The voice cast features Drew Barrymore, Joe Pantoliano and Ed Asner alongside Dan Castellaneta, Tress MacNeille, Billy West, Tim Meadows and Michael Stipe. Yes, that Michael Stipe. 

Rating: Slippers%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Dickens of a Christmas

In an effort to beat the Summer heat, Doc Brown takes his family and Marty McFly to Victorian England to celebrate a Dickensian Christmas. Doc's sons, Jules and Verne, are forced to become pickpockets after the keys to the DeLorean get stolen. Clara Brown gets thrown into prison for spurning the advances of Ebiffnezer Tannen. And, while Doc searches for his sons, Marty gives Ebiffnezer the full Scrooge treatment. The Back to the Future animated series, which more or less takes place after the events of Back to the Future Part III, is a little odd. It's cool that Mary Steenburgen and Thomas F. Wilson reprise their roles as Clara Clayton Brown and the various members of the Tannen family but it's weird that Christopher Lloyd plays Doc Brown in live-action wraparound segments while Dan Castellaneta does the voice for Doc in the animated portions of the show. Also, I'm just going to assume that the educational segments at the end of the episode featuring Bill Nye the Science Guy were necessitated by some sort of broadcasting regulation.

 

Rating: Wind Up Frankenstein%

(Image from Amazon)

Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales

The original A Charlie Brown Christmas was shown on broadcast television annually from 1965 through 2019. Over the years, as the average length of commercial breaks increased, the special had to be edited down to fit into a thirty minute timeslot. A lot of people weren't too happy about that. So, after ABC acquired the rights to broadcast A Charlie Brown Christmas in the early 2000s, Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales was created as a companion piece that could be aired after the original special in a one hour block of programming. Much like It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, there's no overarching story. Christmas Tales is just another series of holiday themed vignettes.

Rating: Dog Sweater%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Christmas Story

While the Martins are in Capital City shopping for Christmas presents, Lassie pushes a little girl out of the path of an oncoming truck. The girl is saved but Lassie sustains some serious injuries. Dr. Weaver, reluctant to perform the necessary operation himself, suggests that only one man might be able to save Lassie. But the specialist, Dr. Watkins, cannot be reached. With Lassie injured, this particular episode of Lassie focuses mainly on Timmy and the rest of the Martin family. If you're a dog lover or an old softy like me, this episode will definitely tug at the heart strings. But don't worry folks, this isn't Dragnet, Lassie survives.

Rating: Gingerbread Santy Clauses%

Snowboard Academy

Chris and Paul Barry are complete opposites. Chris lives to shred fresh powder and Paul can't stand his brother's carefree snowboarding ways. With their family's ski resort struggling financially, Chris tries to convince his father that setting up a snowboarding school is just what they need to turn things around. But as soon as things start to improve, the insurance company insists on an inspection and Mr. Barry's estranged wife hatches a plan to sabotage the resort. Despite only being 88 minutes long, Snowboard Academy is a slog. The plot limps along with no sense of urgency. Several characters have terrible, unnecessary accents. And Jim Varney's warmed over Ernest shtick doesn't really work here.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

State of Decay

While searching for a way out of E-Space, K-9 locates a sparsely populated planet. Even though the scanners detect the presence of high technology, the population seem to be living a medieval existence. After making contact with the peasants, their mysterious lords and a small group of rebels, the Doctor begins to suspect that there might be a sinister force working behind the scenes. Matters are further complicated after it's revealed that Adric, from Alzarius, has stowed away on the TARDIS. State of Decay is a fairly decent serial. It doesn't feel particularly original but it's well executed and moves at a brisk pace.

Rating: The TARDIS is feeling a bit queasy%

Payback

Double crossed and left for dead, Porter returns to the city with vengeance on his mind. He's going to get the $70,000 dollars that was stolen from him, regardless of who he has to kill to get it back. Payback is an old school crime thriller set in an ambiguous city at an ambiguous time. There are muscle cars and femme fatales and all of the phones, even the car phones, have rotary dials. If you seek out Payback today, you'll have your choice of two cuts of the film: a theatrical cut and a director's cut. The theatrical cut has more comedic moments, some voice-over narration and a few choice needle drops on the soundtrack. The director's cut makes Porter a little less sympathetic and features a different ending. Mel Gibson leads the ensemble, which also includes Gregg Henry, Maria Bello, Lucy Liu, David Paymer, Bill Duke, John Glover, William Devane, James Coburn and Kris Kristofferson (in the theatrical cut). Critically, the director's cut seems to be the preferred version of the film, but I'm more inclined to recommend the theatrical cut.

Theatrical Cut

Rating: 71%

Director's Cut

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

Dr. Chris Cooper invents a powerful new antidepressant, Gleemonex, which is rushed into production before it can be fully tested. The drug becomes massively popular until Dr. Cooper discovers some disturbing side effects. Like many of the sketches on the Kids in the Hall TV show, Brain Candy can be strange and dark at times. It's a movie about depression and corruption made by a sketch troupe that was in the process of breaking up at the time. Executives at Paramount balked at the inclusion of a character called Cancer Boy and, after the group refused to cut Cancer Boy out of the movie, Brain Candy received a limited theatrical release. It has since gone on to find a cult following.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Final Terror

It was supposed to be a fun weekend trip in the wilderness. Hiking, rafting, bonfires and a little bit of the old Mary Jane. But, what the campers didn't know is that they weren't alone in those woods. Something was silently stalking them and it knew the terrain a lot better than they did. Produced by Samuel Z. Arkoff, one of the co-founders of American International Pictures, The Final Terror was meant to capitalize on the success of Halloween and Friday the 13th. Unable to find a distributor, the film was shelved until 1983. Finally garnering a release after some of the cast had gone on to find more legitimate success. Said cast includes Daryl Hannah, Adrian Zmed, Mark Metcalf, Rachel Ward and Joe Pantoliano. Though light on kills and gore, The Final Terror has fantastic locations and an effective killer.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Last Slumber Party

A violent psychopath escapes from the hospital and heads to his doctor's home, where the doctor's daughter just so happens to be having a slumber party. What began for the girls as a night of booze and boys will end with body bags and blood stains. Poorly shot, poorly acted and poorly edited, The Last Slumber Party is a pretty shoddy direct-to-video slasher flick. It lacks the charm and basic competency of other low-budget and/or independent horror movies. If you're thinking about watching The Last Slumber Party, maybe don't.

Rating: 49%

(Image from IMDB)