Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Scientology

Scientology is a cult in which Tom Cruise believes that Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, brought billions of people to earth 75 million years ago in spacecraft that looked like the Douglas DC-8, dropped them in or around volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs. The disembodied souls of these victims hang around in modern times, glomming onto people and harming them spiritually. These days, the Church of Scientology uses techniques like "training" and "auditing" in conjunction with pseudoscientific devices like the electropsychometer in order to brainwash its members and get money and/or work out of them. I used to think L. Ron Hubbard was just an unscrupulous megalomaniac and a bad writer, but after reading about Gorilla Goals, the Obscene Dog Incident, Coffee Grinders, and Ice Cube Incidents, I find myself wondering if he weren't maybe schizophrenic as well. In conclusion, Scientology is not only cold, manipulative, greed-driven, exploitative and dangerous, it's also stupid and trashy, and is pretty much the worst "religion" ever.

RATING: 2%

(Image from home.snafu.de. Check out H.P. Lovecraft's "The Shadow Out of Time" for pulp science fiction that's smarter and more fun, without the brainwashing and spiritual pretension.)

12 comments:

Evan J Peterson said...

Dear Scientology, we are merely a group of satirists, and should not be considered "Negatives" or NPs. Please tell David Miscavage not to wage psychic or economic war against us.

DCP said...

John, you're going to get us all marked "fair game."

John said...

Whatever. If Tom Cruise's video editor is a representative example, Scientologists probably aren't smart enough to figure out stuff like the internets anyway.

Still, I hope Chick Corea and Juliette Lewis don't come after me with coffee grinders.

Chris said...

Man, we're fucked.

I find Scientology pretty interesting, though. I guess Hubbard showed God who's the better writer.

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

im a sientoligist and yall are dead to me

Bryan said...

This is ironic, because yesterday I watched ALL of Jason Beghe's interview after leaving Scientology. It's interesting - him being the only (pseudo-) celebrity to really leave.

John said...

They probably keep the celebrities plied with coke, sex, assorted baubles and help getting work. Ole' Tom's rant about nothing in the linked video certainly sounds like it could be inspired by the Bolivian marching powder. On top of the crazies, I mean.

LoCo said...

I'm part-gay. Why haven't I been recruited yet?

I like Scientologists because they take the subway. Or rather, they are there giving those helpful stress tests.

John said...

Perhaps you have a body in pawn.

laurie said...

I am so not touching this one.

Anonymous said...

HELP ME!

LipstickMom123 said...

I'm glad to see someone standing up for good old fashion Christian values John from Canadsa! I worry about our youth of our country today and these demon religions like this one! Next thing you know everyone's worshipping a buddha and marrying there daughters!