Saturday, February 21, 2009

Orville Redenbacher's Natural Buttery Garlic flavor popcorn

For some reason when I bought this I thought it was the Paul Newman brand, and I felt good about that because they give all of their profits to charity or something. But it turns out this popcorn is actually from Orville Redenbacher, a ConAgra brand. You might know ConAgra from their raping the earth, discriminating against cripples and black people, doing some pretty awful things to turkeys, totally fucking ruining peanut butter, and just being generally shitty. The problem is that this popcorn tastes fucking amazing. It is not garlic-y as the flavor description would lead you to believe, but is instead the perfect amount (that is to say, heavy but not too crazy) buttery and salty. And it comes in these tiny little bags that are great because they don't lead to me eating a huge bag of popcorn all by myself, but are also not enough if I want to do some serious popcorn eating (which is why I ate two bags while watching The Office and 30 Rock on Thursday). In conclusion, this tastes like popcorn perfection and it is a real shame that my liberal guilt will never allow me to buy it again.

Taste rating: 80%
Company rating: 0%
Overall rating: Confusedandguilty%
Laurie's ability to take the fun out of everything rating: 40%

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

That and a Bud Light...sooo nice.

DCP said...

Ah, liberal guilt. Is there any other kind?

DCP said...

Also, I'm sure that agribusiness tag will get a lot of use.

laurie said...

Yeah, because our tags are strictly utilitarian.

Anonymous said...

I don't think ConAgra will be pleased with this review. And usually when that happens they find a way to give the offending party a
bad case of diarrhea. I hope you have an internet connection in your bathroom.

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

i think i wanna start a flame war

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

hey intnert jon

hey fuck you buddy

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

carl mark sucks a fatty and so do you

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

wy dont you control the means of production of my crap by eating it

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

also, science is for tards if you dont have fa*th you gona go to h**k and shame your family

laurie said...

@McTavish: I have a wireless network that covers my whole apt so I'm all set. Bring it on, ConAgra!

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

you stay out of this unless you want som too

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

(jk you seem tough)

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

saturday nights suck d

McT's Girlfriend said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McT's Girlfriend said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LoCo said...

I would like some of that popcorn. All companies are basically evil, right? Mmm butter garlic.

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

wtfuck is w/ all these deleted comments whoever deleetd comments is a total retard butt jerk off a hole f for brains

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

hey glen waht did the deletde comments say you have the power to tell me right

Anonymous said...

It wasn't me. If I wanted to tell you that you're a greasy haired, pube-goateed pussy and pasty white pig-fucker I wouldn't need to delete it. Shouldn't you be working on your homosexual star wars blog or doing an internet course for dyslexic fucktards or praising Jesus on the jumbotron or making a rose out of jolly ranchers or something?

Anonymous said...

Bitch.

Anonymous said...

Hey BNL wanna learn some Romanian? Lingea-mi-ai branza de pe rafturile pulii!

That means "lick the cheese from my dick's shelves!"

Anonymous said...

Hey BNL, do you need a bj?

John said...

not fair. You can't impersonate me saying gay shit. I say enough gay shit on my own.

John said...

And so what if I'm masturbating? It's not like I'm getting any.

McT's Girlfriend said...

All proud Scotsmen masturbate.

LoCo said...

That's not a Scottie.

McT's Girlfriend said...

But his name is Angus so he must be.

Anonymous said...

Laurie,

Have you seen the flick, "Quest for Fire?" Either this popcorn is the pinnacle of evolution, or we should shuck it all (iphones, cars, electricity, refrigeration, laptops, etc.) and de-evolve into primordial ooze once again in order to save Gaia. I, for one, won’t be giving up pudding cups and rocky road ice cream without a fight and will gladly stand on the front lines with a picket to save Hunt’s and Blue Bell from those who value cooler temps and lower ocean levels. Wait, shouldn’t at least some low lying islands be submerged if Al Gore is actually right? I mean he did win an Oscar and all.

John, from the coldest winter in Daejeon in his recorded memory

laurie said...

I'm pretty sure there is some middle ground where we can have microwave popcorn that doesn't ruin everything else on earth.

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

I don't know what else to say... I'm a genius (an evil genius), I'm somewhere between 5'9" and 6' tall, I have brown hair (for now - I really want it blue :D), I am really good with computers, I run my own business, I'm an inventor, I'm a really nice guy, and I try to be a gentleman (but that doesn't always work out :P).

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

About me:
I see your hiney, it's bright and shiny, you better hide it, before I bite it!!!

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

Who I'd like to meet:
I want to meet the Blue Man Group, Bill Gates, Linkin Park, Eminem, Vin Diesel, The Rock, and George Bush (I would LOVE to hear him talk stupid in person).

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

tahts me. im the one who wants to meet linkin park

laurie said...

My favorite part of BN's bio is where he says he is somewhere between 5'9" and 6'. Why don't you know how tall you are BN? And a three inch spread seems like a lot. It's like he couldn't be bothered to measure himself but is sort of guessing based on how tall his friends are or something. What a retard.

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

its hard to measuer when my hands are always busy touching bit**s or holding kegs or making computer money

Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band) said...

or jolly rancher roses

Anonymous said...

Glenn: I think there is another kind of guilt--original sin. And while it's often (mis)taken to mean "They're sinners, we're saved," it at least allows some room for individual redemption and agency, and acknowledges that everyone's hands are bloody. Pair it up with a robust understanding of human evolutionary history up to present and you might even have a formula for a tragic human nature that can be redeemed and dignified (though not changed) through sacrifice and good works.

The social collectivist "liberal guilt" elaborated in the above link, necessarily leads to racism by emphasizing the collective virtue or viciousness of different groups rather than individuals. It doesn't work--all it does is breed closet racists who teach their kids that they should be proud to be white and who nurse private grudges about not being able to say so in public. Not to mention members of minority groups who either blame all their problems on white people (bad) or secretly wonder if their own group is innately inferior (worse).

We're all spattered with the blood of the animals we eat, the people our ancestors killed, the babies who weren't born because our moms fucked our dads and not someone else, the neanderthals that couldn't compete with cro magnon humans, the reptiles that couldn't compete with mammals, etc. That's the tragedy of being--every moment is a new holocaust. No one can literally redress the crimes of their ancestors (and is George Washington any more my literal ancestor than, say, Miles Davis is?) All we can do is create an inclusive and generous present and future, and try our best not to repeat the crimes of the past.

John said...

A thought experiment: I'm white. Let's say I want to say, "Sorry." Who am I speaking for? Who will accept my apology?

laurie said...

Jesus Christ John, just don't buy this brand of popcorn okay?

DCP said...

@John - A)I only accept sandwiches as a form of apology. Or delicious Orville Redenbacher Natural Buttery Garlic flavor popcorn.

John said...

What about a fish head in a mysterious spicy red sauce?

laurie said...

That sounds like something Glenn would like to eat. Hey, does everyone else see the little email icon thingies now? I set it up, but not sure if it works.

Timmaaay!!! said...

I wish they sold Newman's Own popcorn around here. Paul Newman is one of my personal heroes and his food is really good. A lot of his other foods are available here, but not his popcorn, which is one of his most popular items. Whisky Tango Foxtrot?!?!

LoCo said...

I see the email thinger. R3 is so magical.

DCP said...

May I direct your attention to the first entry in this list?

PS - I get all my talking points from Cracked Magazine.

Anonymous said...

If there is one thing I need more of it is antibacterial edible panties.

Thanks, Glenn.