Saturday, November 29, 2008

Dallas Stars Fans

I think the point of going to a hockey game is to watch your team play, not necessarily to watch them win (especially when they're playing the San Jose Sharks, who are the top rated team in the league right now.) When 25% of the fans leave before the 3rd period even starts, and 50% with 12+ minutes left in the game, you have to wonder why a city bothers having a hockey team at all, except, perhaps, as one more feather in its moneyed 10 gallon hat. Sportsmanship is an ethos that extends to the spectators of a sport, especially when there are children watching. These Dallas Stars "fans" should be ashamed of themselves.

RATING: 50%--the 50% who stayed until the game was finished.

(Image from ultimate-photos.com.)

Friday, November 28, 2008

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper


There's a diabetic in my house, so every time I come home the fridge is stocked with bizarre incarnations of diet soda. The latest is Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. First of all, if it takes longer for me to type the name of the soda than it does for me to finish the can, points off. Although quite miraculously, this soda does taste like what might have happened if you combined Diet Dr. Pepper and black cherry soda in your junior chemistry set, and then performed an experiment in which you sucked every hint of sweetness or tastiness from the combo. If there is one dominant flavor in this soda, I would say it's neither cherry nor vanilla but something more akin to stomach rot. It's not as bad as the chocolate-covered-whatever Dr. Pepper that Glenn brought to his class once, but it's not good, friends. It's not good.
RATING: 34%

Herr's Heinz Ketchup Chips

When I was small and I visited my cousins in Toronto, I would always be sure to smuggle several small bags of Hostess's Ketchup Chips back with me. The first time I saw the chips, I was both overjoyed and affronted: how could such revolutionary potato chips exist and yet be unavailable to me across the border? Eventually I forgot about the chips, but at Pathmark I saw a whole rack of these. And they're not bad! Unlike the Hostess chips, these are ruffled, but there's the same freeze-dried, sodium-laced tomato taste I remember so fondly. Whenever I mention kethcup chips to anyone, they act like the concept disgusts them, but if you've ever eaten ketchup with your french fries then it's really not that much of a stretch.

RATING: 86%

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Chapstick

I don't understand chapstick. Everybody's always like "Oh man, I forgot my chapstick," or "Pass the chapstick, dude," or "Here try some chapstick," but I have tried them and basically it's like a cherry booger stick. What's it supposed to do, be stupid? Because if so, it's getting it right. I guess if you want a little flavor blast or something it's an ok thing, but as far as protecting your lips from wasps or spiders it gets an F-.

RATING: 23%

American Thanksgiving

American Thanksgiving is a way bigger deal than Canadian Thanksgiving, which is what I grew up with. You get a four day weekend here, there's football everywhere all of the sudden (except apparently in Detroit), and pumpkin flavored everything, the best of all seasonal flavors. The main allure of Thanksgiving is you get to eat a lot of food, which I guess isn't so different from any other day in America but on Thanksgiving you don't have to feel guilty about it. Which is to say I ate way too much tonight, which is to say I ate exactly the right amount.

RATING: 96%

Lake Erie

Lake Erie is the worst of the Great Lakes. It's small, shallow, polluted, and the lake with the most shipwrecks. In other words, of all things bad about lakes it's the worst at everything. The only cool thing is the Lake Erie Monsters hockey team, but I'm pretty sure there are no real monsters in Lake Erie because nothing can survive there anyway. In conclusion, Lake Erie is like the Pluto of the Great Lakes.

RATING: 3%

Cereal Marshmallows

Cereal marshmallows, known as "breakfast gold" to children everywhere, are tiny freeze dried marshmallows of various colors that taste like science and have the texture of Styrofoam. In other words, they are great. I still remember the first cereal with marshmallows I ever had - Pac-Man Cereal, which was basically Kix with marshmallows. These days I don't eat marshmallow cereal that much, because I'm worried about being judged by people and also my heart, cholestoral, liver, etc. I got that picture from thebulkstoretaylor.com , from which you can purchase a bag of just cereal marshmallows, weird. THIS IS THE END OF AMERICA. Ha ha jk lol.

RATING: 62%

Powers Vol. 1: Who Killed Retro Girl?

Powers is a great crime comic book written by Brian Michael Bendis that follows a couple of homicide cops assigned to take care of cases that deal with superpowers in some form or other. Over the course of its 80 issues or so he and artist Michael Avon Oeming have created a great universe for these characters (central are Detectives Christian Walker and Deena Pilgrim), and all the superheros that inhabit it. In this first trade the two are partnered up and must solve the mystery of, uh, who killed Retro-Girl. Bendis is great in comics where he can wallow in snappy, noirish dialogue, and this is a great example. I can't wait to talk about the monkey-fucking issue.

RATING: 80%

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

A View To A Kill

Although Roger Moore was like 102 when he made this, his last Bond movie, and the plot is totally ridiculous, this one isn't as bad as everybody makes it out to be. There's a lot of great locations, such as an immense horse breeding facility, a great mine set, and of course the climactic fight atop the Golden Gate Bridge. Aside from Duran Duran, the real reason to see this movie of course is Christopher Walken as Max Zorin, the crazy evil bad guy. He just chews up everything around him in this movie. Classic.

RATING: 53%

Christianity

Christianity is a religion in which you believe that there is a supreme being named God or something, and also he sacrificed his son Jesus for your sins so you better be good for goodness' sake. In theory this religion is pretty good, because it basically says don't hate. In America this religion is actually terrible because everybody interprets "don't hate" to mean "hate all the time as much as you can." A lot of people here use Christianity as an excuse to do any sort of mean thing or vote any sort of mean way (Prop. 8) because the same people who complain about how hard it is to read Shakespeare in my class are all of the sudden experts on the meaning of vague Elizabethan translations of ancient Greek text. Anyway, I could totally be on board with the don't judge, don't hate, be nice part of Christianity (except for the God and Jesus and Hell parts), but that ain't in Texas, Flordia, Illinois, or I bet any other state in the union.

RATING: A Real Nice Story%

(PS - this review can basically be applied to any monotheistic religion, so just replace key words like Jesus, God, Elizabethan, Greek, America, etc)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Spaghetti

Spaghetti (or as we Italians like to call it, "Spaghetti") inspires in me a love so profound that I struggle to express it in words. I know that comfort food is supposed to conjure up images of macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and soup or whatever, but for me, the most comforting meal I can imagine is just a big bowl of spaghetti. If I was told I could only choose one food on which to base all meals for the rest of my life, I would choose balsamic steak. But that might get a bit pricey, and these are hard economic times we're living in, so my second choice would definitely be spaghetti. At $1-2 a package, you can feed 3-4 people on the cheap. Spaghetti loves to be dressed up, and she's very accommodating -- tomato sauce? Sure. Pesto? Why not. Some garlic browned in olive oil? Yes please. If you are cooking spaghetti and you're not sure if it's done, you can throw a strand of it at a wall and if it sticks, you're good to go. Spaghetti has gotten fancy during the extravagant Bush era, and now comes in wheat, Omega-3, and calcium varieties. But I don't discriminate. Each little squiggly strand has my everlasting devotion.

RATING: 99%

Tofurkey

Even when I was experimenting with veganism (ok so it was a two year "experiment," but whatever) in college I never bought one of these things because I heard they were gross. However, last week my roommate and his vegetarian girlfriend bought one and I ended up trying it. How was it? Well, the meaty part was nasty but the stuffing part was okay so together they added up to...um...pretty gross? And the accompanying gravy was disgusting (I gave it one taste and threw out the rest). So yeah, gross. Vegetarians would be advised to skip the fake turkey and eat more mashed potatoes.

Rating: 25% (If I was starving I'd be happy to have it, but if I was a vegetarian I wouldn't bother.)

Atheism

Atheism is a religion mainly for people who are really pretentious and condescending. Basically it is when you without a doubt believe there is no God, supreme force, connective tissue, or anything in the universe other than what you see because you're soooooo great and know everything congratulations. I guess being an atheist is fine whenever you come to that conclusion through science and reason, but one thing I hate is when people become atheists because they had a shitty week or something. "My car got stolen and my great aunt Petunia died, therefore I now know there is no God." Like what, he's your personal servant or something? Your sandwich sucks and it's God's fault? If you get into a philosophical argument with an atheist then it's probably going to be just as frustrating as getting into a philosophical argument with a Christian, so it's probably better to just talk about the Mets/Jets/Rockets/Blue Jackets instead.

RATING: I Don't Believe In Ratings%

Supreme Power Vol. 1: Contact

The plot of Supreme Power is tough to explain, but I'll try to sum it up: basically, it's analogs of DC's Justice League set in a more realistic world, and all the people who get powers get them from dubious (alien) origins. It's dark, and this first volume in the series is a great set up to our main characters. Here's my problem, and I know some of you don't like this line of thinking (Tim): part of what made these first six issues great was the promise of a story that could slowly unfold, a world that J. Michael Straczynski could take his time ripping apart. But after the series was mandated to move from Marvel's adult line, MAX, to its regular line, and then had an incomprehensible crossover with the Ultimate Universe, and is now a series being written by Howard Chaykin who clearly has no intention on resolving anything JMS set up, I know that those initial promises will never be fulfilled. So while I still get some of the same thrill reading this volume, mostly it's just a reminder of the disappointment I've ultimately had with this series that could have had so much potential. Ahh, but volume 1, 2, 3 and the Nighthawk limited series were great, so maybe we can all just pretend everything worked out?

RATING: 79%

Monday, November 24, 2008

Martini

I like to think of the martini as a reminder to the rest of the world to shut the fuck up about America. Its contribution to the world is enough of a pass for America to continue the downward spiral for at least the next thousand years. Okay, while the true origin of the martini is largely debated most historical references point to an American origin, but whatever. I'm not going to go into all the he said/she said about vodka vs. gin either. We all know a "real martini" is purely gin, but let's not be assholes, kids. It's all okay with me as long as you don't consider an appletini an actual martini. I prefer my martini very dry (a light spritz of vermouth in the glass), washed olives to help remove some of the briny flavor, and the gin diluted with a little water to help the notes blossom. Stirred? Absolutely, but that's purely a matter of preference.

RATING: 95%

Olives

Olives are a kind of fruit I guess but you would never know because they are disgusting whereas most fruit are delicious, except kiwi, pineapple, and durian. They basically taste like gross soggy bunches of salt and oil, which is their molecular construction if I do remember my science and I think that I do. The only acceptable place to ever eat an olive is by accident on pizza because somebody else ordered it and you're totally hungry and forgot to pick all of them off. If you eat them for snacks or on a sandwich beware because you are headed for puke city, population you and me if I also ate an olive.

RATING: 7%

The Destroyed Room: B-Sides And Rarities by Sonic Youth

I don't think I can recommend this to anybody except hardcore Sonic Youth fans. Most of the songs on this b-sides collection (isn't that as antiquated a term as any?) just feel completely unfinished, as though they were beginnings of songs that could have appeared later. Just jams and riffs. I guess I enjoyed it, but I sometimes enjoy NYC Ghosts & Flowers, too, and I wouldn't wish that cd on my worst enemy, Paul Sorvino. So don't go buy this I guess, although it's way better than NYC Ghosts.

RATING: 45%

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Daredevil Visionaries: Frank Miller Vol. 1

Frank Miller essentially defined the character Daredevil as we know him today: he made the stories much darker (and they were already pretty dark), he introduced Elektra, and he killed Elektra (first). This volume is where Miller started on Daredevil, but unfortunately he started only as an artist, so most of the stories in this trade are pretty standard 80s schlock. Muggers, weddings, crime bosses, blah blah blah. It is amazing though how Miller's art changes so much over the course of these eight issues, from being normal Gene Colan ripoffs to becoming more of his definitive style we recognize from the Dark Knight Returns. But you can purchase much more interesting curiosities for $15.

RATING: 46%

Mead

Just buy the whole bottle. I'm serious. Don't bother with the sissy plastic cup for $6.50. You will need to chug at least half of this bottle straight away just to deal with what you will see at the Texas Renaissance Festival. This place is insane, and cold wine made with honey is your only remedy. Sure, it's a lot sweeter than that Pinot Grigio your girlfriend makes you drink when you're dinner at with her friends, but this is what Chaucer drank. And as hard as you try, you'll never be as famous a writer as Chaucer, ha! Mead is best served cold, so once you buy the bottle you should finish it within 15 minutes, I'm thinking.

Pairing advice: Best served with a bag of Kettle Corn.

RATING: 88%

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Ghostbusters

#40 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to watch Ghostbusters because my mother said the ghosts had scared her, and therefore they would definitely scare me. So when I was like 8 or so, having already been an avid fan of The Real Ghostbusters cartoon (when it premiered I faked sick on the first day of school so I could watch it), I managed to tape it off TV. The problem was the cable that day sucked, so for years all I had to watch was this extremely distorted and staticy version of Ghostbusters. Which didn't stop me because it is awesome. It's a shame Harold Ramis doesn't act that much anymore. He was great in this and in Stripes. Especially Stripes, but that movie falls apart an hour in so it didn't make the cut. It suffers from "Woody Allen" syndrome of running out of plot about 2/3 of the way in and then just basically winging it for the rest. But Ghostbusters is great. Sorry, no Ghostbusters II on the list either.

RATING: 93%

Out Of Sight

#41 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

For some reason, when I say I love this movie or when people see my poster of it on the wall they think I'm being ironic. But it's a really great caper movie, with a fantastic cast and "cool" music. I'm not really a big fan of the Ocean's 11 movies, but this movie, which kind of respawned the hip heist movie genre, is wonderful. Also, it's a classic example of a movie based on a book where the book sucks worse than anything and the movie is actually good. My friend Killian had the soundtrack before I ever got to see the movie, and there were audio clips. So I kept imagining the movie to be totally different than it was. Additionally, there is a character named "Glenn" in the movie, so that is also a bonus.

RATING: 92%

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

#42 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

Simply one of the most terrifying movies of all time. And despite the title and reputation, it isn't especially gory. That's the thing with great horror; it can make you remember movies as being much more graphic than they were with just the right atmosphere. Also, ambient music is generally more terrifying than hard rock in your face type stuff, and long shots are scarier than sudden inexplicable cuts or inserts of a baby's crying face. You know what a great horror movie made in the 2000s is? The Descent. That movie is fantastic, and it follows the tradition of old horror movies. I'm sorry that this entry is basically me complaining about every movie made nowadays. I sound like a crotchety old man. Anyway, see this movie but absolutely never watch the remake. It sucks so bad.

RATING: 92%

Spider-Man 2

#43 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

I still think this is probably the best superhero movie of all time. X-Men 2 is marred by the fact that X-Men 3 sucks so bad. Batman Begins is marred by the fact that the fight scenes are tough to follow. Superman is marred by the fact that Superman flies around the world backwards to make time move (it's still on the list, don't worry). This one has practically zero problems. Except I still wish Spidey used more one liners. Then again, he does in Spider-Man 3 and that movie was terrible, too. I would like to add that the video game from this movie is amazing. Ha ha, get it, amazing like the Amazing Spider-Man? The comic? Eh? I know that was bad.

RATING: 91%

PS - I would like to add that I reviewed this movie before I saw the Dark Knight, which supplants it in the category of best superhero movie ever made.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Land-O-Lakes Spreadable Butter with Canola Oil

We've already discussed the frustrations of dealing with frigid butter that won't spread, but I am happy to say that I've found a lovely solution in this spreadable butter. I didn't believe that the butter, as promised on the packaging, wouldn't need any defrosting, heating, or cajoling to soften up to a spreadable state, but I was wrong -- even straight out of the ice box, you'll have no trouble sinking your knife in and getting this butter to spread. If you're of the confectionary-minded sort, this is the butter for you! The label assures that it's "ideal for spreading, topping, cooking and baking." It can be really challenging to knead a hard stick of butter into dough, but this creamy spread will blend right into your batter. Eat your heart out, Betty Crocker.

RATING: 83%

Dusti's Cupcakes

Yeah I know, the title sounds like an innuendo or a euphemism, but it's really not. Honest. Once a year Dusti shares her cupcakes with everyone in the office. It's an incredibly generous thing to do for others on your birthday. How come I'm not baking with the rest of you for your birthday (call me)? Even better everyone got to make a choice between cream cheese or chocolate frosting, but what I enjoyed most is that her cupcakes are low on frosting and high on the cake. Usually the ratio is way off at most places around town (trust me, I've tried them all), but apparently Dusti knows how to bake (if you know what I mean).

RATING: Cupcake Innuendo%

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Oversized Images

I hope someone is reading this, before it's too late...I recently moved to Washington (state, not city), and something strange happened on the flight over here. I must've passed through a tear in the space-time continuum, because for whatever reason, I seem to have thrust myself (get this) into a world where I am publishing posts with giant pictures! While I know this may be hard to believe, and while I have no rational explanation for it, I've found that this (may not be) a temporary effect - it seems to be (possibly, for all I know) permanent!

WHY DO PICTURES SPREAD OUT OF CONTROL!? HOW IS IT THAT I TRY TO POST FOR LIKE, THE FIRST TIME IN AGES, AND SOMETHING GOES WRONG?

I assure you, I am not making this up. Please help me. My story must be told.

RATING: 12%

(photo courtesy of the photo devil, size courtesy of whim, chance, and fancy)

Pacific Standard Time

I hope someone is reading this, before it's too late...I recently moved to Washington (state, not city), and something strange happened on the flight over here. I must've passed through a tear in the space-time continuum, because for whatever reason, I seem to have thrust myself (get this) forward in time by approximately three hours. While I know this may be hard to believe, and while I have no rational explanation for it, I've found that this isn't a temporary effect - it seems to be permanent!

WHY DO NFL GAMES START AT 10:00 IN THE MORNING!? HOW IS IT THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO WATCH THE END OF BASEBALL GAMES WITHOUT FEELING TIRED?

I assure you, I am not making this up. Please help me. My story must be told.

RATING: 89%

(photo courtesy of some dude's photobucket, I think)

Sandwiches

If somebody were to ask "Glenn, what's your favorite food?" I would respond by saying "Sandwiches!" which is totally cheating because there are a billion different kinds of sandwiches. Sandwiches are great because of this though, and a lot of them are very delicious. There's the ice cream sandwich, the tuna fish sandwich, the peanut butter and jam sandwich, the ham and rye, the ham and swiss, the ham and turkey, the roast beef, tongue, liverwurst, chicken salad, pimento, grilled cheese, salami, pastrami, turkey and brie, brie, turkey, etc etc etc. The only terrible sandwich is the nutella sandwich, colloquially known as the "shit sandwich," sorry to be crude dudes and dudettes call your local FCC office if you wish to log a complaint.

RATING: 96%

Pluto

Pluto is some stupid boring frozen rock in space. It orbits the sun, so some people want to call it a planet, but you know what else orbits the sun? Every shit ever taken by anybody ever. Pluto was for a while considered a planet but then people got smart and decided "fuck that noise," just like they did with Ceres in the 19th century. Ain't no room in science for nostalgia. You can call the Earth the center of the universe if it reminds you of the good ole days, but it won't make it true. In conclusion, who cares about Pluto, nobody that's who.

RATING: 3%

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Abominable Snowman (Yeti)

Unfortunately I don't live in a climate where I could possibly run into an Abominable Snowman, and that pretty much sucks. You have to travel to Nepal or something for that. Look kids, believing in the Yeti is a little embarrassing in the 21st century. By now someone should have caught him/her, or we should have just a slightly decent picture that warrants real consideration. I'd like to make up some bullshit one day about a monster that doesn't really exist, and send people thousands of miles around the world to look for it. But for the sake of argument let's assume this beast exists. I generally think it's really misunderstood and probably just looking for attention. And if there is really such a thing then maybe global warming isn't so bad because it will have to come out of hiding when the snow melts. I think everyone should just learn to look on the bright side of things sometimes.

RATING: 68%

Neptune

Neptune is the eighth and final planet in the solar system ever since Pluto got busted down to the minor leagues of dwarf planets. That's ok, though, you gotta have standards. Neptune is a lot like Uranus in that it's bluish in color and if you took a big breath of air there you would die instantly. Somebody once told me that it rains diamonds on Neptune but a) that's not true, and b) even if it did their value would basically be nil and it would also hurt. That's why Earth is the best planet even if it is the fifth largest THE END.

RATING: 61%

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Uranus

Ha ha get it? YOUR Anus? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

In conclusion Uranus has a poisonous atmosphere. HA HA HA!

It also is really big so it has a bunch of moons orbiting it! HA!

Finally, (tee hee) it takes 84 years to orbit the sun! Uh...

RATING: BUTT%

Doom Patrol: Crawling From The Wreckage

Last time I reviewed a volume of Grant Morrison's terrific and bizarre Doom Patrol, I forgot to mention the art by Richard Case. Well, it's great, because if you're going to write a story in which a girl's head turns into a sun that shoots little suns or floating miniature castles suddenly appear in a monastery you need an artist who can make it come to life. Case's art is "realistic," in that it isn't very stylized and when it's just people walking or talking it looks like a lot of the standard hero books of the 80s and 90s. But that average style really helps make the surreal stuff stand out when it happens. I wonder whatever happened to Richard Case, anyway? Oh yeah, the plot of this is the Doom Patrol reassembles to fight some scissor guys who were conjured by accident from some people's imagination to cut people out of reality.

RATING: 73%

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Renaissance

One day a bunch of Europeans decided they were sick of being dumb and dying all the time way early, so they decided to try to get smarter. That was called the Renaissance. It means "To Get Smart Real Quick" in French talk. Basically, everybody started being interested in Classical literature like Dracula and shit and also they invented perspective in art and I think the toaster oven. It was a grand old time but people were still all crazy about God in a way that meant you could be excommunicated and murdered for forgetting a nipple on Jesus in a church commissioned painting. So points off there but I guess it was pretty good if you like book learnin you liberal pansies.

RATING: 79%

The Texas Renaissance Festival

I'm not sure what history books these people have been reading about the Renaissance, but I think there were probably substantially less fairies, dragons, Imperial Stormtroopers, pirates, and obese people dressed up in revealing outfits in the actual Renaissance than at this fair. That said, this shit is hella fun so check it out if you are in Texas in October/November. It is really big - I thought a Renaissance fair was just a bunch of tents and high school kids arguing about Space Track or whatever but this has a ton of permanent structures and something like 10,000 people a day visiting it. It's really elaborate and for the most part the actors are really cool unless they are doing terrible Asian stereotypes like this one white dude, but whatevs it's awesome.

RATING: 85%

This Shirt I Bought At The Renaissance Festival

Worn this year in Texas? Dork alert! Worn fifteen years from now in any state out of driving distance? Instant hipster cred. I'm not sure which is worse (just kidding).

RATING: 82%

The New Hockey Night In Canada Theme

If there's one thing you should know about Canadians, it's that we're cheap bastards when it comes to sports. We couldn't keep the Nordiques. We couldn't keep Gretzky. We can't afford the Montreal Grand Prix. Worst of all, CBC, despite being the greatest television network in the world, couldn't even cough up the money to hang onto the famous Hockey Night in Canada theme that they've been using since 1968. Fortunately, the new theme is pretty awesome too--we Nova Scotians are suckers for bagpipes. I hear in the version broadcast in Ontario, you can hear a cash register go ching-ching right when everyone throws their arms up and shouts, "Hey!" (In the Alberta version, there aren't even any hockey players, just a bunch of coked up rig pigs beating a prostitute.)

RATING: 79%, which is a B+ where I'm from.

(Image from www.hockesportswagers.com.)

Catwoman: When In Rome

I thought that since I've never reviewed a book by the team of Jeph Loeb/Tim Sale, now was as good a time as any ha ha jk lol idkfa. Anyway, this could have been pretty standard fare, a throwaway taking place in the middle of Batman: Dark Victory, but instead Loeb writes an extremely entertaining and often hilarious Catwoman. She's a strong and interesting character, and the humor in her narration really helps keep this book from being as brooding and dire as everything else this team tends to do. One problem I have with this, and it goes for every Tim Sale book, is that every time there's a splash page or very large panel in the middle of the book he has to sign his fucking signature to it, which really takes me out of the story. Look, buddy, your name is huge on the front of the book so I know you didn't just give up half way through, ok? Who are you, JG Jones?

RATING: 83%

COMIC BOOK JOKE THAT NOBODY WILL GET RATING: 41%

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Quantum Of Solace/Role Models

At $9.50 a pop, either one of these movies would have been pretty disappointing, but if you split the difference by theater hopping, then I guess it works out. Basically the plot of the new Bond is some incomprehensible thing involving an international utilities company, and the plot of role models is kids are funny. Quantum of Solace is incomprehensible, Role Models is too comprehensible. Put them together and you have a great movie about British spies looking after kids spewing the word "motherfucker" while M lets her titties flop out for no reason and cars crash into school buses and blow up. Also the Star Trek trailer.

RATING: 53%/36% Individually, 73% combined

Cutting One's Own Hair With A Pair Of Clippers One Bought For Thirty Bucks

With all the extra time and money that might save, you can probably take a photography course to learn how to frame a shot.

RATING: 78%

Needing A Haircut

Needing a haircut is a kind of thing everybody does once in a while even though it sucks. We basically have no choice in the matter unless we're bald, and that's not a choice, or if it is a choice that means that you had to cut your hair Colombo. Anyway, one main thing that sucks about needing a haircut is that you have to drive to some hair salon and then they charge you a lot and make you feel like you need to say a lot of useless chit chat. In sum, needing a haircut sucks.

RATING: 21%

Friday, November 14, 2008

Haddo's Delight

Haddo's Delight is named after Oliver Haddo from W. Somerset Maugham's novel The Magician, who is in turn a caricature of Aleister Crowley. Crowley is said to have smoked pure perique soaked in Jamaican rum, and while there's nothing pure about Haddo's Delight (a mixture of virginia, burley, perique and unflavoured Green River cavendish topped with rum), it's certainly strong enough for its namesake. The folks at GLP put enough perique in this blend to kill a 12 foot 'gator. I'd describe the taste as "Glosettes in purgatory"--chocolate, raisins and pain, with a wee bit of saltiness. If this doesn't get you in touch with Choronzon, nothing will.

RATING: 70%, or 80% if you smoke it while listening to Pantera.

(Image from www.rotten.com. I have got to quit smoking.)

Google Zoology

You can find anything with Google. Crabbit? Check. Donkeysaurus? You betcha. How do people come up with this stuff?



RATING: 50% donkey, 50% dinosaur






50% crab, 50% rabbit
(I can't even remember where I found these. Maybe I'll retro-google them when I'm feeling spry.)

Friday Night in Dallas


Friday night in Dallas is like New Year's Eve every week. And I don't mean in a good way.

RATING: 14%

(Image from lorla.com.)

All Over Coffee by Paul Madonna

All Over Coffee is a comic strip published in the San Francisco Chronicle. It consists of short, poem like text often dealing with people and their difficulties interacting with others juxtaposed with barren images of a cityscape in which all the people and vehicles have been removed. There is one hardcover collection that is moving, beautiful, and often funny, but you can also check out the weekly strip by following this link. I can't believe somebody put together comics and poetry so successfully. It's almost like it was custom made for me. Now if only Paul Madonna could find some way to write in Captain Kirk and Darkhawk, I'd be set.

RATING: 91%

Saturn

The most distinguishing feature of Saturn is its fancy pants rings, but big deal, all the gas giants in this solar system have them. My tub has a ring but you don't see loser astronomers pointing their telescopes at it. Overall, Saturn is a pretty cool planet. It is huge compared to earth, but it is less dense than water so if you could find a glass big enough it would actually float on top ("Facts Every Third Grader Knows," 2nd ed). Saturn has something like 60 moons, but scientists don't know whether or not to count really big chunks of rock in its rings as moons, so it could have double that. Anyway all those small moons are boring as hell but Saturn's moon Titan is not, because it has a dense atmosphere and standing lakes and oceans. Of poison, but still you have to admit that's cool.

RATING: 81%

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Patrick Roy

As a kid I liked the Avalance and the Blackhawks. I don't know why, but probably because their teams were good on NHL 'XX. Anyway, I especially liked Patrick Roy of the Avalance, and that's probably because his last name is pronounced "Waugh" (if you don't live in Houston or know his name already that didn't help at all). Once Roy allowed like a ton of goals against Detroit when he played for Montreal. I felt really bad for him because he's actually totally awesome. I feel stupid because I asked Glenn if Roy is still playing for the Avalanche, but he retired in 2003. In conclusion, all Canadians (Glenn and John) should strive to be as badass as Roy.

RATING: 81%

The Hair The TV The Baby And The Band by Imperial Teen

I've been a pretty big fan of Imperial Teen since I traded a Nine Inch Nails CD for Seasick back in high school. Their first two albums are really great, poppy, fun. But then they moved to Merge records and had their album "On" released, which was just ok, and when this came out last year it was sort of clear that they seemed to forget the importance of melody in music. This album suffers from the problem of too many lyrics sung too quickly all the time. Slow it down a bit! If young Glenn had ever thought those words would come out of old Glenn's mouth, he probably would have joined a convent for some reason.

RATING: 46%

Jupiter

Jupiter is the so-called "king of the planets," but I just call it the "fat of the fattets." It is more massive than every other planet, has a cyclonic storm system the size of Earth, and has sixty two moons. Jupiter is comprised entirely of gas, so if you tried to land on it you couldn't since there is no land, and you would end up just being crushed by immense immense pressure. Europa, one of Jupiter's moons, has been suggested as the most likely place in the solar system for extraterrestrial life to exist, because of some frozen ocean mumbo jumbo who knows. All I know is Jupiter is pretty but even though it's big Earth is still the best MOTHERFUCKER!!!

RATING: 53%