Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Christianity

Christianity is a religion in which you believe that there is a supreme being named God or something, and also he sacrificed his son Jesus for your sins so you better be good for goodness' sake. In theory this religion is pretty good, because it basically says don't hate. In America this religion is actually terrible because everybody interprets "don't hate" to mean "hate all the time as much as you can." A lot of people here use Christianity as an excuse to do any sort of mean thing or vote any sort of mean way (Prop. 8) because the same people who complain about how hard it is to read Shakespeare in my class are all of the sudden experts on the meaning of vague Elizabethan translations of ancient Greek text. Anyway, I could totally be on board with the don't judge, don't hate, be nice part of Christianity (except for the God and Jesus and Hell parts), but that ain't in Texas, Flordia, Illinois, or I bet any other state in the union.

RATING: A Real Nice Story%

(PS - this review can basically be applied to any monotheistic religion, so just replace key words like Jesus, God, Elizabethan, Greek, America, etc)

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

first

also holy fuck i must be sicick (sp?) check out my last two posts on athiesm

laurie said...

Is Chritianity Christianity's distant second cousin or something?

Anonymous said...

The problem with American Evangelicalism is that it is anti-Christian (i.e., it runs counter to the Gospel, i.e., all the red letters in the four books in which the character / person / divinity Jesus is alive and speaking).

In other words, it's all Paul and Peter's fault.

Gospel Christianity asks one to follow the teachings of Jesus, of which he never once mentions homosexuality or abortion or even marriage. 90% of his teachings are, in fact, religious establishments. His two main points deal with hypocrisy and poverty--helping the poor (which is mentioned over 200 times in Matthew, Mark et al.).

The rub: Jesus also calls gentiles dogs (I believe this is in Mark).

He also didn't like money, so buying Christian music is evil (no duh).

I'm not so sure what He'd think of the Pope, or Baptisty Hell-fire types, but I get the feeling he would love Pentacostal snake-handling (who doesn't?)

John said...

I think Christianity nicely expresses the fact that the one advantage of being human is that you can suffer and die far better than a god can. We may be a bunch of stinking, stubborn apes, but at least we're not trivial.

I don't think a lot of Christians really *get* what the Bible says, though. Like when they say AIDS is God punishing homosexuals, I'm always like, "Have you guys even read the book of Job?"

Another thing I dislike about Christians is how hard it is to get fucking hard liquor in Richardson, or a beer at the UTD pub, for which I hold them all personally responsible. Jesus drank wine all the fucking time. Fucking Christers.

John said...

I'm not so sure Jesus didn't like money. The Parable of the Talents ( Matthew 25:14-30) pretty much explicitly condones the profit motive. Also, that thing about the camel and the eye of a needle was supposedly a mistranslation.

Of course there's that whole moneychangers-in-the-temple bit, but I don't know if it's as simple as Jesus not liking money itself.

And gentiles are dogs. I'm going to drink water out of a bowl and lick my own balls pretty much right after I post this comment.

DCP said...

Of course, by Elizabethan I mean the period of the English language, not that she was alive or involved in the translation.

Anonymous said...

o wait i meant sycick