Denise Duhamel

It feels like a bit of a platitude to insist that Denise Duhamel is the colorectal cancer of English language poetry, so instead of reviewing her I thought we could do a Denise Duhamel Madlib. Hopefully, you will find this exercise instructional.

***

Wacky Noun
Fav. Barbie Type (ie Malibu, Politician, etc. visit the Mattel webpage for more suggestions or be creative.)
Place
Muscle Car
Phallic Object
Traditionally Male Organization (Army, the Skulls, etc.)
Adjective
Wacky Adjective
Traditionally Male Verb (Jerk-off, Fight, etc.)



Once upon a (Wacky Noun), (Fav. Barbie Type) Barbie went to (Place). Ken was there, waiting by his (Muscle Car) fiddling with his (Phallic Object). Ken was a devoted member (heh) of the (Traditionally Male Organization) and Barbie was (Adjective) because she thought she was just as (Adjective) as Ken. It was a (Wacky Adjective) day in Barbieland, so Barbie decided to (Traditionally Male Verb). She was out to prove she could do things as well as any man and no one could tell her she couldn't.

***

I think I need to help myself to a Tums cocktail. Insert your own line breaks (more-or-less arbitrarily) and add a racy title and you'll have a poem better than any Denise Duhamel poem I have ever seen. Or just write your own damn poem, see what I care.

Rating: Your poem: 5%
Denise Duhamel's: <1%

Five Things Comprising Viking Andrew's Gigantic Cornucopia of Shit

Being broke might’ve been fun in school, when everyone around you was broke too and you could go to a party and say, “I’m so broke,” and your pals would say, “Me, too. God, I’m sooo broke,” and fall out in laughter. Take it from me, kids: it ain’t so fun when you’re in your twenties or thirties and out of school and still broke and everybody’s like, I thought you had a master’s and you try to explain to them that you do, that you got your master’s in being broke and now nobody at the cocktail party is laughing; they don’t think that’s a very funny joke. Sometimes you drink, but then people say Hey I bet if you quit drinking you wouldn’t be so broke. You can try explaining it to them, but fuck it; have they ever read The Collected Work of Insignificant Writer?

I see a pattern emerging here at R3.

Rating: 10% (Points added for the martyrdom delusion that comes with empty pockets)

(Photo courtesy humor)

Five Things Comprising Viking Andrew’s Gigantic Cornucopia of Assomeness

Released in 1965, Highway 61 Revisited is the album that marks a time before Dylan was the pop-culture moneymaker he is today but after he had shaken off the influence of Woody Guthrie and found his true voice. It runs a mere fifty-minutes, is as tight as a duck’s ass and hits that perfect balance of thematic unity while avoiding redundancy. The songs are a bizarre mixture of nonsensical lyricism—the result of Dylan’s continued interest in the bible and a newfound intrigue for the works of Rimbaud and Baudelaire, as well as a desire to disentangle himself from the labels hip folksters were tagging him with, i.e., “The voice of a generation” and even (and surely LSD played a role here) “a prophet sent from God”—and almost vaudevillian musical arrangements. The kazoo, the harp, the Spanish guitar, the church organ; what this album really reminds me of is some non-tetanus, non-disease-ridden junkyard where everything sort of contrasts in a delightful way. Okay, so that was a tad bit overwrought. But what’s important to note is this: Highway 61 Revisited is the album that made the Beatles pull their heads out of their asses, quit chasing teenage poon and get serious. It’s the album on which Frank Zappa once remarked, “[I remember thinking] [i]f this wins and it does what it's supposed to do, I don't need to do anything else.” Would you disagree with a crazy motherfucker like Zappa? It’s Dylan’s best work.

Points off? What makes me sick? Dylan was twenty-four, nearly a full year younger than I, when he wrote it.

Rating: 95%

(Photo courtesy http://www.audio.ya.com)

$30

$30 is a good amount of $. You can buy like three movie tickets at the new movie theater with it, or maybe like ten movie tickets at the dollar theater (how does that work, anyway?). If you have $30 in a town like Houston that basically means you can eat for a week, or maybe have one really nice meal with drinks. $30 is a good amount to be paid for a poem I guess, but it's nothing like the time I got paid $100, which in retrospect is probably where I peaked oh well.

RATING: 94%

Introductions, &c.

Hello everyone. My name is Professor Theodor X. La Merciere and I will be the new poetry reviewer on your little website. Please do not misconstrue the heretofore light tone of this post as an invitation for undue familiarity. I expect to be addressed as Professor Theodor X. La Merciere, Professor La Merciere, or Professor. I have taught adjunct at some of the finest community colleges in the state of Alabama and you will treat me with the respect due a man in my position. I hope this introduction has been sufficient.

The first poem I will be reviewing (chosen at random) was the featured poem on Poetry Daily on Mar. 16, 2009: Deborah Warren's "Dream with Flowers and Bowl of Fruit." (Hmmm, I am bored with this poem already and all I have done so far is type its name.)

The poem begins with what I read as a self-referential allusion to the boredom I am about to experience while reading it: "Too many of my dreams [read: poems] these days are boring." While I appreciate Ms. Warren's tactic of forecasting my distaste, she does nothing to alleviate it. Instead, Ms. Warren uses the next two stanzas to talk about how deficiencies in her character make it so that she is unable to scare up a dream that is any more exciting than the flowers, &c. referenced in the title. (Her mental poverty, I gather, is the lingering message of the poem...)

The loose iambic meter is, perhaps appropriately, plodding and the rhymes could not be any more nauseatingly cutesy, art imitating life in both cases. (Ms. Warren even rhymes "drama, and I miss" to "trauma--and I miss." You must see it to believe it.) Though perhaps the fact that she is a formal poet is punishment enough for the crime of writing this steaming pile.

Rating: Oh, let's say 15% (for her honesty)

The Big Dance

It’s March, which means March Madness!®©™ March Madness occurs when paunchy men and women trying to impress men all over the country waste company time by filling out their “brackets:” choosing which college basketball team will shoot more baskets (or “hoops,” as it were) and which team will shoot enough baskets to win the national championship. It’s a better system than the college football BCS (which is basically a gravy train run by ATT, Tostitos, etc., and university administrators; if you’ve ever wondered why universities seem to put more emphasis on football than they do academics, just look at these numbers. Your 4.0 GPA doesn’t mean shit to anyone but Grandma.) because smaller teams, sometimes referred to as Cinderellas, actually have a chance. The downside is there are so many goddamn teams—sixty-four—and that guy Clark in the next cubicle keeps harassing you to get your bracket in on time, bro! Never fear. Viking Andrew is here to help you out with three count them three first round predictions.

1. Ohio St. vs. Siena: OSU looked pretty weak against Purdue, but Purdue has a good outfit this year. Still, I’d say the Buckeyes are in trouble; they have to play a form of limonite clay in the first round! Go with Siena, in the upset (unless OSU pulls it off and wins. Then, go with the Buckeyes).

2. Duke vs. Binghamton: Binghamton has an athletic program? How cute! Go with Duke in an absolute bloodbath .

3. UNC vs. Radford: The Tar Heels are absent their best player, Ty Lawson who’s sitting out the first round with an injured toe (this is basketball, after all). They looked pathetic against Florida State last week. Still, UNC has Tyler Hansbrough, who never closes his mouth, ever . Something about his dumb-face will help UNC past the first round and, in all likelihood, into the Final Four.

I’m out of time / room. Read my addendum in the comments section, and good luck everyone!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah: I hate basketball.

Rating: 46%

St. Patrick's Day in Texas

I used to be so annoyed by St. Patrick's Day in New York because come 5pm, you could not get into any bar, not even the crappy ones, not even a Cantina, without totally sacrificing your personal space to a drunk i-banker wearing the proverbial striped shirt. But at least everyone was celebrating in tandem. I tried to go out last year in Houston for St. Patrick's Day, and it was fucking depressing. It was like any other Saturday night, except with shamrocks pasted to the walls and maybe a special on Guinness, or shots of Jameson. Really? I guess in a state with no Catholics, I couldn't really expect there to be any Irish people, either. I didn't even want to go to my local bar to see the one Irish person I know in Texas, because I would have felt so sad for him, so far away from home, surrounded by all those Shiner-drinking Houston hipsters. (I love you, Paul!) Instead, I went to my local Fiesta, bought a large bottle of Guinness, and nursed it while watching Family Guy. That's as Irish as it gets in Texas, kittens. Here, St. Patrick's Day is code for "Relax, it's almost Cinco de Mayo."

RATING: 22%

Comic Three-In-One

Fantastic Four: Nobody Gets Out Alive

Mr. Fantastic is dead, so Ant Man takes his place, and not even the good Ant Man.

RATING: 22%



Universe X Volume 2

This is better than Volume 1, with a really satisfying conclusion, but it's just so dense that it doesn't have much rereadability.

RATING: 71%


Ultimate X-Men Volume 4: Hellfire And Brimstone

Kitty Pride joins the school, and Jean starts to Phoenix out in a story that's kind of directionless if you ask me and I think you did.

RATING: 73%

Being Sick

Some days you will be minding your own beeswax as the kids like to say and then BAM! All of the sudden you're freezing even though it's like 80 degrees out and also you can't stand up for more than a minute without feeling dizzy. That's called "being sick" according to the AMA. Being sick is something that isn't so much fun, but one good thing is you don't feel quite as bad for watching TV all day including such great hits as According To Jim and Two And A Half Men. I think I'm suffering from delirium as a result of my fever.

RATING: 11%

That Guy from Bush

Speaking of the worst lyricists in rock history, I was listening to the radio the other day and the song "Machine Head" came on by that guy. You know, with the hair? "Got a machine head, better than the rest, dum dee dum, deet deet dum?" Gavin, uh, Assdale? Foxtail? He wrote Razorblade Suitcase and that other piece of shit? Hold on a sec, I'm gonna Google him...

Gavin Stefani? Damn, I was way off.

RATING: Should've been aborted%

(Image from blogs.seattleweekly.com.)

The Way To Eden

In this classic episode of Star Trek a bunch of space hippies manage to hijack the Enterprise because they think they've found the garden of Eden and it's a planet. Man, they've got to increase security on the Enterprise if a bunch of lame hippies can hijack it. Anyway, turns out the planet is poison and not so much fun and everybody learns the valuable lesson that hippies are crazy and you can never trust them.

RATING: 67%

Camouflage

Camouflage (or “Camo” for short) is one of many things rednecks and rappers have in common (one other commonality is handguns; I dare not list any others now that R3 is interested in fuckin’ “readership”). Its purpose is to “camouflage” someone or something from someone or something else. Its secondary purpose is to look totally badass and tuff-e-nuff. Usually one wears camouflage beginning in the fall—with the open of deer season—and quits wearing it in May—at the close of tom season. But some Americans (let’s call them oh say I don’t know Mississippians) view Camo as a year-round garb; some even go above and beyond the call of duty. And while I can’t stand rednecks (or the fact that ‘redneck’ is an acceptable term according to Microsoft Word, while ‘Camo’ and ‘camo’ are not); and while this really makes me insane; and while I don’t, and have never, and cannot anticipate ever wanting to hunt, I will admit to having some bizarre affection for seeing men and women and boys and girls don this material in early autumn. I’ve come to connect it with the time of year that leaves me nostalgic and sentimental--a little too drunk, a little too happy. So help me god, when I saw Miller’s camouflage tallboys this past October, I damn-near cried; I knew something good and sweet and short was oncoming.
Then some fatshit wearing these in July desecrated my temple.

(I’m more than ready to get my ass kicked for this post. You know us Norsemen: sentimental to the bone.)

(Image courtesy 'king Andrew, ca. Oct. 2008)
Rating: 58%

Otter Creek Russian Imperial Stout

I bought a bottle at Spec's because Otter Creek brews several solid beers. It's only sold in a 22 oz. bottle or on draught, and at 10.6% ABV it's extremely strong. The beer pours as black and thick as motor oil with roasted coffee, fruits, and chocolate on the nose. The taste is complex with a hoppy bitterness followed by a light smokiness and sweet burnt coffee and unsweetened cocoa on the finish. Considering the high alcohol content of this beer the booziness is hidden fairly well by the incredible balance of hops and malts. This is without a doubt the best beer I've had this year.

RATING: 94%

Django

Django is an interesting Spaghetti Western, but not a very good movie. It follows the mysterious titular character as he skulks through a muddy, ruined town dragging a coffin behind him, and he plays some dudes against each other, I'm not sure, it was a pretty confusing mess. All of the imagery is striking, such as the aforementioned coffin, everything being drenched in mud, and the claustrophobic design of the town, but the dub is an awful translation and the motivations of Django are never clear. Oh well, I guess you can't beat Leone at his own game it turns out.

RATING: 56%

Bookstore Sections

I was searching for a book in Borders. Specs: a new paperback memoir by a staff writer for The Atlantic. Should have been easy to find -- New Nonfiction, right? Or New in Paperback? Bestselling Nonfiction? New in Memoir? Any featured section, face-up, next to a biography of Andrew Jackson? I couldn't find it anywhere. A search of the useless Borders computer told me it was "likely in store," but not where it was "likely" to be. Thanks for nothing, Borders computer! My boyfriend used to work at Borders, so I finally called him, described the book I was looking for, and asked if there were other memoir or nonfiction sections that I hadn't come across yet. "I bet it's in the African American section," he guessed. I argued that it wouldn't be; it wasn't a historical book or some sort of sociological case study. "Doesn't matter," he said. "Go look."

And why I'll be! There is was, right in African American, right there hidden in the back of the store. First off, don't hide new books in the back of the store and then wonder why branches all over the country are closing. Second, maybe don't file books exclusively by the skin color of their author. What do you think the average readership of The Atlantic looks like? Beloved gets to go in the Literature section, but is Zane under romance, or shelved next to The Beautiful Struggle? I haven't read a ton of Zane, but something tells me she doesn't belong on a shelf next to Ta-Nehisi Coates.

RATING: 8%

THE BEAUTIFUL STRUGGLE by Ta-Nehisi Coates: 87%

Kona Brewing Company's Pipeline Porter

This is some pretty good shit even if you aren't a fan of porters. It's a good session beer (especially for a porter), smooth with lots of malt flavor and a nice balance of hops to round out the 100% Hawaiian Kona coffee. Chocolate, roasted coffee and malts dominant the taste and make for a great porter that you won't have to fear buying a 6-pack of.

RATING: 79%

Turkish Coffee

Turkish coffee is like regular coffee on crack. I had this tiny little cup of it at lunch and now I'm fucking WIRED. And I don't know if it's always like this, but the cup I had from this place was sort of spiced and flavorful. It was tasty and I'm disappointed that I didn't try it sooner.

Rating: 77%

(That sweet ass coffee macro is from http://www.turkishcoffeeworld.com.)

The Clash by The Clash

It's not exactly news that this is a great album, but I thought that 32 years after its release I would like to add "Yes, I concur everybody, this is indeed a great album." You know the drill: politics, toneless singing, guitars, etc.

RATING: 81%

Our Readers

Sometimes we may be a little crass and perhaps automatically assault any new reader we get or accuse them of not being real, but in all honesty what would would R3 be without all of you? Now please tell your friends so we can get a goddamn book deal already.

RATING: 96%

Miracle Whip

Miracle Whip is a sweet, mayonnaise-type dressing consumed on sandwiches and in salads by people who fuck their cousins. What's scary is that there are diners other than Russians and burn victims who can't tell the difference.

RATING: 10% in a jar, 2% on a ham salad sandwich at the church picnic.

*shudder*

(Image from ninecooks.typepad.com. Look closely and it gets even worse.)

Sour Skittles

Sometimes when I'm spending a beautiful Spring Saturday writing a big ole paper about an esoteric court ruling on an esoteric part of the UCC* I decide that it's a good idea to eat some crap from a vending machine. This is almost always a mistake, and it's not until I'm halfway through a bag of Sour Skittles and find myself in a cold sweat with a sore stomach and that I realize exactly how bad an idea it was. I think I burned my tongue. Snacking fail. (Sadly I still ate the rest of the bag.)

Rating: 12%

*Note: My passion for the UCC is unmatched by many things. It's like, third on my list after rock music and cheeseburgers. This is more or less true. One of these days I will review it.

Batman Knightfall Part 2: Who Rules The Night

This isn't as much of a fiasco as Part 1, but it's not exactly graphic storytelling at its finest. It picks up where the first installment ended: Batman is paralyzed and Bane is victorious. So, Batman's student Azrael takes over as Batman while Bruce Wayne is in a wheelchair except Azrael ends up having serious anger issues and almost kills a bunch of bad guys including Bane, which to Batman is a no-no. Anyway, it's bland but I always kind of liked Mike Manley's Az-Bat armor, but then again I always kind of liked Darkhawk in case you couldn't tell, btw guess what tag this review gets even though he appears nowhere in this book.

RATING: 60%

The Best T-shirt in the Universe

Today I found the t-shirt that I want--no, need to be buried in.







RATING: 100%

(Image from samueljscott.files.wordpress.com.)

Grad School Pettiness

Everyone at grad school takes the wrong shit waaay too seriously. Like today these two mutants nearly came to blows over whether <<Il n'y a pas de hors texte>> translates as "There's nothing outside the text," or "There isn't outside the text." I'm serious. I wanted to be like, "Hey, you two, let's take a look into the crystal ball for a sec. It's 15 years down the road: you're still a woman who looks like a man, and you're dead!"

No one chooses to be ugly, but why would you want to be ugly and unnecessary?

RATING: 11%

(Image from www.michelart.net.)

The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen Vol. 2

Volume Two of Alan Moore's dense graphic novel love letter to 19th Century literature follows the "superhero" team of literary characters assembled in the first volume as they attempt to repel a Martian invasion straight from the pages of War of the Worlds. It's not quite as amazing as the first volume (the team spends most of the book broken into two groups, and three of the cliffhanger reveals involve pods landing on Earth), but it's still a lot of fun to read, and the art is gorgeous. To me, this is more Mr. Hyde's book, as he's the one who seems to go through the most actual character development, although the tryst between Quartermain and Mina Murray is gross/interesting. I haven't read The Black Dossier, and Century certainly looks weird in a good way, but if the series had ended here, I can't say I'd be unhappy with things, if that sounds like a ringing endorsement.

RATING: 83%

Watchmen (2009 Film)

As mentioned, after rereading the graphic novel Watchmen I believed it was unfilmable, and went into the movie version thinking it would be awful. It turns out it wasn't awful, but it wasn't particularly good either. It's amazing how much of the book they managed to cram into 160 minutes, but the seriousness of the work's deconstruction of the Superhero and its psychoanalysis of its characters is diminished by out of place graphic violence lingered on in loving slow-motion and even more out of place music, both of which added a level of jokiness that seemed to suggest that Visionary Director Zack Snyder felt he was superior to the whole fiasco. Maybe if I wasn't so familiar with the source material than I would have felt it was better, but at least Rorschach was terrific, and Night Owl and The Comedian were pretty spot on, too.

RATING: 62%

The R3 Party

Last weekend Glenn hosted the R3 party at his place in Houston (thanks, Glenn!) Many of our current posters were in attendance in person or via the miracle of the telephone. It was a fun time, with assorted cheeses, assorted boozes, Mexican food, community food, too many cigarettes, and general boisterous festivity. I found out what Laurie is like in person, what a $9 marguerita tastes like, and also that Viking Andrew has a mangina attached to his scapula. However, he was able to beer again the next afternoon, while I spent the day vomiting copiously, so I guess there's a little mangina in all of us (men, anyways. I wonder why girls don't call each other "dicks.") Speaking of dicks, some douchebags vandalized our friend's car, which was super-uncool, but we can maybe find some solace in the fact that chickenshit losers who "solve" their problems via passive aggressive crime are usually mean, stupid, and unhappy, and are statistically more likely to end up getting shot or fucked in jail. Also, we called Brent Newland, who seemed nice but didn't believe us when we told him who we were. The End.

RATING: 99% (-1% for no trannie hookers and no drank)

(Image from kara.allthisd.com. No one actually wore a party hat. I brought bunny ears, but got drunk and forgot to put them on.)

My flight to Houston - Layover and Second Leg

After the long first flight, the layover at DFW and second leg of my flight (DFW to Hobby) are a bit of a blur. I bought a big bottle of water, was disappointed but not surprised that the newsstand did not carry Yoga Journal, and had a hard time finding food at the airport that was not fried. And my flight was delayed by about 45 min because they were waiting on the flight crew to arrive (were they on another delayed flight or hungover and late for work? We'll never know!), but I was upgraded to an Exit row so that makes up for the delay, I suppose. But then the pitiful lady next to me on the plane did not have anything to read or an ipod (no Vedder for her), and kept looking at me like I was supposed to entertain her (I am not a clown, lady), so points off for that. But the flight was short so whatever. Oh, and I saw that spider on the wall in the airport.

Rating: 67%

My flight to Houston - First Leg

The first leg of my flight to Houston (LGA to DWF) was pretty okay. My ipod played lots of Bon Iver, Eddie Vedder, and Radiohead (the Holy Trinity, Vedder is Jesus), and I read this month's issue of O Magazine (a guilty pleasure). The woman next to me did not bother me and there were no crying babies (successful flight musts). And I flew over some mountains (picture at left) or something. But it was a really long flight, points off for that. Also points off for American Airlines not being JetBlue (where are my damn blue potato chips, AA?!).

Rating: 67%

Comic Three-In-One

Darkhawk: Heart Of The Hawk

The "best" Darkhawk story, involves DH fighting as many Spider-man villains as possible in six issues, and also he gets his amulet ripped out.

RATING: 62%



What If... Why Not?

This collection of What If... comics from 2004 forgets that the only reason people read What If... is to see lots of heroes die, not to discover how different their lives would have been if only they ate the cheese sandwich instead of the egg salad.

RATING: 18%


Ultimate Spider-man Vol. 5: Public Scrutiny

Total bummer when a crook dresses up as Spider-man and goes on a crime spree, and then he gets, like, dumped by Mary Jane, which is major lamesville, dude.

RATING: 89%

Meat

Often delicious, meat can start to suck when you eat a whole lot of it and almost nothing else for like three days straight. Ow, my colon! Somebody please just give me a bowl of spinach, thank you.

RATING: 23% (for now, probably like 86% usually)