Saturday, June 20, 2009

An Open Letter to the Banjo Guy

Listen, Banjo Guy, we both know you didn't bring that banjo to the bar to regale us with banjo songs, because you haven't played it once all night. I'd also bet a prize pig and three jugs of moonshine that you're not going to a banjo band practice later on, since it's one o'clock in the morning. Now I don't particularly hate bluegrass music, but I do particularly hate other straight males under 30 who think they're cute, and the temptation to wrest that hillbilly hipster fashion accessory from your little white stick arms and use it to give you the beating and/or strangling of a lifetime is hard to resist. On the upside, you'll probably look cooler with a neck brace than you do with a fucking banjo, and the little girls will be falling all over themselves to sign your multiple casts.

RATING: HEAVY METAL%

(Image from crabapplenyc.wordpress.com.)

19 comments:

Viking Andrew said...

Is this real? A guy went to a bar with a banjo?

Internet John said...

He's there all the fucking time. Doesn't play it. Doesn't put it in a case. As far as I can tell, it's a conversation piece.

R Kelley tag said...

i think banjos are cute :3

laurie said...

On the other hand, it would be fucking awesome if he actually played the banjo. A guy who plays banjo is already halfway into my pants.

Viking Andrew said...

I play the banjo...

Glenn said...

*Insert obvious Lake City, Florida joke here*

Chris said...

Yeah, there's nothing like a hipster who plays banjo. Hot.

laurie said...

Are you calling Andrew a hipster?

Chris said...

No, just your imaginary banjo boyfriend.

Andrew plays the banjo without a hint of irony.

laurie said...

I think what you're not getting here, Chris, is that I can't stand hipsters, but I love banjo. And I say that without a hint of irony. You forget that while I'm a big city girl now, I come from good ole American hillbilly stock.

Chris said...

Yeah, you would love banjo.

Viking Andrew said...

I don't own a banjo. I couldn't even play the recorder in 3rd grade music class.

Hey, you know who does play the banjo? Steve Martin. Texas' own Steve Martin.

Internet John said...

Admit it, Laurie. You've had sex with Banjo Guy. And you love hipsters.

Viking Andrew said...

If Banjo Guy insists on bringing his banjo to a bar, you would think he could at least play a song or two. I mean, isn't that just common fucking courtesy?

Anonymous said...

Laurie wants ti fuck banjo uygt

Internet John said...

Is that Estonian?

laurie said...

Yeah, I really think that anyone carrying a banjo around is obliged to at least attempt to play a little tune.

@Chris: And what the hell is that supposed to mean?

@IJ: No I didn't and no I don't.

Chris said...

What do you think it means? Don't be coy.

laurie said...

Huh. Well I'll just assume you say that cos I'm awesome.