Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

A fine homage to Tolkien and Rowling, but not without its problems. Bad dialogue and bad acting, but great action scenes, great sets, great costumes, great effects, great monsters, a gynormous (heh heh) Venus of Willendorf, and poetry by Tennyson (don't worry, Glenn, he's dead). It's also nice to see Ron "Hatchet Face" Perlman getting steady work. Overall, it's no Pan's Labyrinth, but I'll probably still watch it like 10 more times. Alternate ending here.

RATING: 80%

(Image from moviesblog.mtv.com. I do love me some Mignola.)

Stash Chamomile Tea

I've been trying to drink more tea and less coffee lately, with mixed results ("mixed results" meaning I've been drinking about twice as much coffee and smoking cigarettes). Chamomile tea is good in the evening, since it doesn't have any caffeine in it. Stash chamomile tea is pretty much the worst chamomile tea I've ever drunk, though, on account of it tastes like cardboard and lawn clippings. Also, "Stash" is really stupid name--someone should've told those potheads it's hip to be square.

RATING: 3%

(Image from wikipedia.)

The Deer Hunter

#30 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

If you like to feel happy, then as your physician I have to recommend against seeing this movie. It's a great, depressing epic about a bunch of friends from a small steel-mill town who go to Vietnam and consequently get their lives ruined in a variety of ways. I can't listen to "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" by Frankie Valli without becoming tense and filled with dread thanks to this movie. This also marks the fourth out of a total five movies John Cazale ever acted in to make it onto my top 100 list, and the fifth is Dog Day Afternoon, so that ain't no slouch either.

RATING: 92%

Chuck Steak Maxi-Pad

Cheap steaks bleeding all over the inside of your fridge? You need the Chuck Steak Maxi Pad. I was going to throw it away, but then I thought it might help with that just-woke-up puffiness.

RATING: Bloody well 90%, innit?

(Image of me from right now. I don't usually leap out of bed and start grilling steaks, but it's Saturday, and they're about to go bad.)

This Fortune

When I was digging in my cabinets a minute ago I found an old fortune cookie and figured hey what the hell. Little did I know that this cookie contained some sort of bullshit metanarrative/ironic fortune. (Actually I only have the vaguest memory of all that literary theory nonsense from undergrad so I'm not really sure what this fortune is, but it certainly feels like bullshit.) This is totally unfair. Fortunes should strictly tell fortunes. I don't need it to tell me I'm nice, or that the sky is blue, or that life is all a crock of crap. Just tell me my fortune, you stupid cookie!

Post-Modern Cookie Fortunes: 5%
(Okay so it is a little funny)

White Noise by Don DeLillo

White Noise is this kick-ass book by Don DeLillo. It won the National Book Award in 1985 and focuses on Jack Gladney, founder of the Hitler Studies Program at a small liberal arts college, a toxic waste spill, death and super markets. It's funny as hell, the reason for many of my neuroses and hated by sophomore level junior college students the world over.
Hey, if you ever teach this novel and are told by your pupils that the book sucks because, "Nothing happens," don't respond by telling them that they're young and naive and haven't yet realized that nothing ever happens--that life is one big penalty kill. Bad pedagogy. Bad bad pedagogy.

Rating: 90%

Pizza Hut

Kevin on The Office said it best: "It's like eating a hot circle of garbage." The toppings are pedestrian and of dubious freshness, the crust tastes like grease and MSG, and the slogan "Now you're eating!" is even stupider than Dane Cook's latest DVD. Pizza where I'm from is bad, but pizza in Texas is bad.

RATING: 13%, but I'm sure I'll end up ordering it again sooner or later.

(Image from ineedattention.com.)

Sour Jelly Bellys

Today I celebrated the crucifixion of Jesus by eating a bag of sour Jelly Bellys and doing homework. The Jelly Bellys were tasty and both sweet and sour as advertised, although I think an entire bag was probably about 3/4 of a bag too many. I can't believe how much better they were than Sour Skittles.

Rating: 74%

R3 on Twitter

Because we all need a little more R3 in our lives...Follow us at www.twitter.com/Review_Blog.

Rating: 101%

Hiccuping While Smoking

Hiccuping while smoking is God's way of telling you that smoking and drinking are both cool and really good for you. If you're a real champ, you can fast track your way to your inevitable Darwin Award by eating the cigarette butt when you're done. As usual, by "you," I mean "me."

RATING: 8%

(Image from here. Did you know that hiccup is also spelled hiccough? Go figure.)

Storm Winds: The Lost Campaigns

If there's two things I enjoy without commitment, it's inane flash games with turrets and steampunk. Storm Winds: The Lost Campaigns is a fairly simple game, but it has a thematic exuberance I haven't seen since Mega Man 2 (not like I've paid much attention to video games between 1989 and now). Great for wasting valuable research time on a Friday afternoon before you go get drunk with self-hating Protestants.

RATING: 82%

(Image from www.soflash.net.)

Angler's Pale Ale

I would describe Angler's as an IPA-influenced straight pale ale. It's strong (5.8%) and hoppy, with a nice rusty finish, and it comes in an adorable stubby bottle with a big speckled trout on it. It's reminiscent of St. Arnold's Elissa IPA, except I'd probably classify the latter as a gutless IPA and the former as a pale ale on steroids. My current hypothesis is that residents of Salt Lake City can't find India in the Book of Mormon, and thus don't believe it exists. Yes we can.

RATING: 78%

(Image from www.allaboutbeer2.com.)

You're Living All Over Me by Dinosaur Jr.

Dinosaur Jr. is a band from the 80s that is sort of like Sonic Youth if they crashed into 70s guitar solos and left a lot of rubble, and I mean a lot. Everybody says this is their best album, and I guess it inspired "Teenage Riot" which is awesome, but it's not really as palatable as SY to be honest. I can imagine I'd be in love with it had I bought it in high school, but now it's just tough to learn to digest a relatively new sound. Guess I'm old, but "them's the breaks" (Christopher Marlowe).

RATING: 67%

Slavery

Slavery is what it is called when somebody is held against their will and forced to do things until they probably die. Some may call the record of slavery in the United States one of the worst atrocities in all of human history, the economic and social ghosts of which are still felt to this day. Others, with whom I work, may say that African-Americans actually sold themselves into slavery, and they got to sing and stuff while working so it was probably not that bad for them. Huh, who knew?

RATING: 0% all around.

Organic Bananas

Organic bananas are fucking tits. They cost 30¢ more per pound than regular bananas, but they also taste about 28¢ better per pound, so that's fine with me. I always find it hard to go back to regular produce after eating its organic equivalent, because the former usually tastes sort of like what I imagine chewing a fresh tab of trailer park ecstasy hypothetically tastes like.

RATING: 89%

(Image from blog.cleveland.com.)

Myth Takes by !!!

I can't emphasize enough how pretentious it is to name your band solely using punctuation marks, but who cares about pretentiousness when you're dancing the night away you indie snob? Myth Takes is a pretty good contemporary dance/punk album in the spirit of The Rapture or New Order. Sure, the lyrics and singing are pretty bad, but I didn't care that much because the music was so intricately layered and catchy that I could easily tune it out. The album almost would have gotten an additional 7% from me if only it could have avoided the requisite slow/boring song at the end, but oh well I can just pretend it's a nine song album and then maybe my personal world will be a little brighter.

RATING: 75%

Comic Three-In-One

Batman: Contagion

Batman must put a stop to an Ebola outbreak in Gotham, but shouldn't that be the CDC's job? I mean, what next, he's got to stop a snowstorm?

RATING: 22%




Darkhawk: Return to Forever

This is the point at which Darkhawk jumped the shark, or should I say the point at which Darkhawk jumped the Evilhawk.

RATING: 35%





Supreme Power Vol. 3: High Command

This collection is more stellar writing and art, but unfortunately it will be the last time the heroes' origin as an alien invasion force will ever be referenced (boo), and also the last time we'll see boobs in this comic.

RATING: 79%

Gibson Thunderbird IV

THE GOOD: The Thunderbird looks hella cool, like something Tommy might have wielded against the Bloody Hun during the Battle of Britain. $1,499 is also relatively cheap for a Gibson.

THE BAD: The headstock and body are so poorly balanced that the top end nosedives whenever you let go of the neck. It's also breakable, says John Entwistle (God rest his soul), but so are lots of other basses when you let a drunk Keith Moon (R.I.P.) knock them over. My biggest complaint about the Thunderbird is its sound, or lack thereof: remember the bass on Toxicity? 13th Step? Neither does anyone else. Basically, the T-bird's stock passive humbuckers sound flabby, muddy, and loose like wile bowels. I'd go as far as to suggest that you might get clearer low mids by standing pantless in front of a Shure SM57 and flossing your own ass with a length of brake cable.

THE BOTTOM LINE: You could probably save the T-Bird's dismal tone with a parametric EQ, but why bother? If you wanted to stand around twiddling your knob all day, you'd be a singer/guitarist, right?

RATING: 40%

(Image from www.zikinf.com.)

Star Trek: Voyager - Season 1 Disc 1

"Caretaker" - {old joke mode} It figures that as soon as they put a woman in charge of a ship they get lost har har {/old joke mode}. Just kidding, obviously - this episode is actually a really strong, old school Trek feeling episode with weird banjo plucking aliens.

RATING: 78%

"Parallax" - Voyager gets stuck in some temporal anomaly, but don't worry, they talk their way out of it by using a lot of fake space terms like "temporal anomaly."

RATING: 65%

"Time And Again" - A pretty creepy time travel episode that is unfortunately ruined by one of those stupid time travelly endings that doesn't hold up to logic or story or my brain not exploding even thinking about it.

RATING: 65%

Mini Eggs

Mini Eggs are pretty good, but when you send them in the mail from Canada to America they get more smashed up than a curb-stomped bicuspid. They're so sweet that my mouth sheds a layer of skin every time I eat them. Also, Mini Eggs in French is "Mini Eggs," so I'm pretty sure Cadbury's president isn't Québecois.

RATING: 78%

(Image from www.sweetieworld.co.uk.)

Distillerie Vinet-Ege Le Tourment Vert Absinthe

Clearly, I am not the booze expert around here, so the best I can offer you is a laywoman's review of this here green fairy drink. Let's see, a tiny one drink bottle cost me $7, it smelled and tasted kind of like cough syrup, and I had a vicious hangover the next day (although that probably had just as much to do with the several white russians and beers I had after). So yeah, not loving my absinthe experience so much. In case you were wondering, I did not pour it over sugar or whatever. I did what the liquor store guy told me, which was "put it in a glass with two pieces of ice, stir it, and drink it when it turns white." And it took about 300 years to turn white, so points off for that. In conclusion, fun novelty experience, pretty bottle, would someone please pass me another russian already?

Rating: 64%

Monty Python And The Holy Grail

#31 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

Chances are that even if you haven't ever seen this movie, you've probably heard about 90% of it being quoted by the two dorks who sat in the back of 9th grade algebra class and always smelled a little bit like Captain Crunch with Crunchberries. The plot is the cast of Monty Python portrays King Arthur's knights as they search for the holy grail, but that's all mainly just an excuse for a variety of Classic Comedy Moments (copyright). It's hilarious, and PS - I was one of those dorks in case you couldn't already tell.

RATING: 91%

Adaptation.

#32 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

Everybody hates this movie except for me and like two other people I know, but I think it's really funny and touching and pretentious. Well, can't get around that last one I guess. In it Nicholas Cage plays twin screenwriter brothers, one of whom is struggling to adapt a book about flowers and the other who decides one day to write a stupid blockbuster serial killer movie that rips off everything else and immediately sells it. Ok, maybe that doesn't do the "plot" justice, but what if I mention crazy old Charlie Kaufman wrote it, now will you see it? I can lend it to you.

RATING: 91%

R3 Dallas Board Meeting

The R3 Dallas Board Meeting, which took place at the Flying Saucer on Friday, April 4th, was a moderate success. After several hours of deliberation, Viking Andrew and Internet John decided that they should comment on each other's posts more, that John has to pee 20% more often than Andrew, that there's a fine line between funny and racist but young white men don't get to decide where it is, and that Lindeman's Framboise in a long-stemmed glass is a very fruity drink. They were unable to reach an agreement on whether it's acceptable or gross that hair grows on girls' armpits.

Quote of the night: "Cell phone or boyfriend remote control?" (I'm kidding--I made that up just now.)

RATING: 0.09% or thereabouts, although Internet John sobered up some when he got home and made an omlette.

(Image from http://lushlifekc.com.)

The Shining

#33 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

Kubrick's The Shining is of course related to Stephen King's novel only tangentially, but it's such a a visual and tonal feat that it exists as its own masterpiece. The plot is Jack Nicholson plays a crazy writer, there's ghosts, and also alcoholism. And a kid who's got the psychic ability to be creepy. When you see Shelly Duvall in this movie you will also realize that back in the 70s acting ability was a lot more important than looks no offense.

RATING: 90%

Movie Three-In-One

Down To You

An irresistible comedy about giving first love a second chance.

RATING: 21%







Blow

Based on a true story.

RATING: 73%







The Magnificent Seven

They were seven...they fought like seven hundred!

RATING: 88%

Reese's Pieces

Reese's Pieces have a mélange of sugar, fat and salt that's pleasing to aliens as well as humans (I mean real aliens, not lamewad Star Trek aliens.) What I like best about Reese's Pieces is that they've mastered the apostrophe, a subtle but important aspect of English punctuation that has thus far eluded Douche Hortons. If Hershey would only introduce an avocado green Reese's piece, you could spill them in your grandparents' rec room and no one would ever know.

RATING: Better than Smarties%

(Image from www.candycraze.net.)

Show Me Your Academic T*ts

Hey. Remember that class in high school where you were taught the idiosyncrasies of the résumé? Well, if you're even an orbital member of academia, it doesn't matter. So fuck you, Mrs. Steinman! Curriculum vitae can be as long as you want! Freedom! L*nc* Ols*n’s CV runs 32 pages. R*n C*rls*n’s a scant 27*. So get at it. Remember in second grade when you fed the neighborhood dog too many raw chicken livers and he vomited on your mother's peonies and later had to be rushed to animal ICU for an emergency procedure? File that under Pedagogical Experience.

Rating: 50%

*Star thingies added for the purpose of masking identities of certain high-ranking professors. I need a job, and want no credible association with this blog until I’ve been hired.

Disgaea 3

Disgaea 3 is the third in the series of Disgaea games - which are Japanese turn-based strategy games for Playstation. The central conceit of the game is that there are several netherworlds, and...you know what, explaining the central conceit of a game like this just makes it seem sillier than it already is. Maybe I should try explaining that it's an extraordinarily simple game that you can drop hundreds and hundreds of hours into in order to try and level your characters up to level 9999 and defeat the difficult post-game enemies...nope, that's not any better.

How about this: the game's graphics are not good, the comedy is simple, but it's extremely engrossing and fun, and I've probably dumped 200 some-odd hours into the game over the last half-year. Looking back on it, I'm always a little regretful that I've spent so much time playing a tremendously goofy video game instead of doing something more productive, but really, what else would I have done?

RATING: 87% (which means that it's better than the poster for Rachel Getting Married, but worse than Action Moves)

Logos

Logos is the means by which we appeal to logic and reason when making rhetorical or philosophical arguments, and is one of the most important parts of rhetoric according to my comp class that I used to teach. Also, they're nifty things that sit atop our webpage and change from time to time. This one was designed by our frequent reader/commenter Belabras, and looks a lot better than an MSPaint mashup of Darkhawk in Hell, although I'd like to think that pic had a bit of style of its own. Thanks, Jeremy!

RATING: 100% (logically)

grants.gov

If you want to apply for any kind of government grant, whether on behalf of an individual or an organization, you need to use grants.gov. I'm not even going to link to it, because looking at the site would make your brain explode from all the error messages and the mismanagement. This is the worst website I have ever had the displeasure of using. At first I thought it was just me, but then I heard from a higher up that "the whole country" was having problems with this lovely site. I've spent more time on the phone with the help line for this site in the past month than I have with anyone else. The good news: you can spend weeks and weeks working on a grant and then finally finish it! The bad news: you probably won't be able to submit it due to any cocktail of technical mishaps. Viva la Economic Recovery!

RATING: 3%