E 1999 Eternal

In honor of the first of tha month of February, I'd like to recommend this album by the hip-hop artist group, the Bone Thugs 'N Harmony. These gentlemen are known for their abilities to speak very fast about killing people. But what I've always loved about Bone Thugs 'N Harmony (teens refer to the group as quote-unquote Bone) is their use of concrete imagery (they're the only music group I know that has made reference to Mossberg), their unblinking dedication to depicting life in a terrible neighborhood of Cleveland (redundant), and their hatred of police. Srsly, these guys are pretty much better writers than half the people in MFA programs.

Glenn reviewed Creepin' once.


Rating: Let there be coffins for all of your offspring%

Hip Hop Magician

I just saw a commercial for the Hip Hop Magician during the Chappelle Show. At first I thought it was a sketch and then realized that no, it seeemed to be a REAL commercial for an ACTUAL Hip Hop Magaician. To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure, but god do I hope it is real. The commercial tells me it's the perfect thing for my kid's birthday party. Fuck that--I don't have kids, but I do have a law school graduation coming up. Someone please get the Hip Hop Magician for my party?

Rating: hellyes%



Bonus picture of the Hip Hop Magician apparently entertaining for Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons. I guess he really is who celebrities call for their kid's party.

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Seven: Adium

Adium is this thing I sign onto sometimes. It theoretically combines all instant message type software into one, so that you can talk to all of your friends. But 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 still equals nada. I talk to Laurie sometimes, but she's always off to do something Big Apple-ish. I remember the days when everyone I knew was on AIM, and we'd get horny together.




Rating: 22%

The Sugar Cookies I Just Made

So I come home and think, I'm Betty Crocker, let's bake some sugar cookies! There's sugar cookie mix from Halloween '08, there's an egg, there's butter. But it's unsalted butter! In my infinite wisdom, I add salt, even though nothing about the recipe calls for salted butter, and they're called... what are they called again? OH YEAH, DUMB-ASS, SUGAR COOKIES. I decide measuring spoons are for suckers and salt the dough like nobody's business. I roll the balls of dough with care. They come out of the oven looking shapely and perfect and tasting like a salt lick. Like you accidentally swallowed a mouthful of ocean except for some reason the ocean was out of water that day. I cannot eat these cookies. No one can eat these cookies. I will scrape them off the cookie sheet and find some ponies who might like to lick them.

RATING: 11% (I ate two anyway)

A New Laptop

A new laptop is a neat thing because you think to yourself "Wow, when I get home I can finally play Rise Of The Triad online with my buds, time to get rid of my shitty desktop!" Then it turns you can fix the desktop you thought was dying, and even though you put all your files onto the new laptop, you're just so used to the shitty, broken down, old-ass desktop that you basically never use the new laptop. Then you end up with computers or parts of computers that you've owned for the past 10 years just sitting around your place because YOU NEVER KNOW! Don't worry, though, you donated ten whole dollars to Haiti, so whatever disgusting, uniquely American trait this excess represents was probably offset in a global sense.

RATING: 86% (I think?)

JD Salinger

“I hope to hell that when I do die somebody has the sense to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetary. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.”

So long, JD Salinger. You pretty much kicked ass.





Rating: 90%

"Animal Studies"

For those of you who thought the credibility of our nation's English departments had already hit rock bottom, je vous présente Animal Studies, the latest craze in critical theory. It combines poststructuralist jargon and a militant ELF-style sentimentalization of nature into a pseudo-academic hash that is to real zoology what Lacanian psychoanalysis is to real psychology. You can pretty much get the gist of it by rereading Donna Haraway's "Cyborg Manifesto" and replacing every instance of the word cyborg with manimal. Or you could do something more productive, like sit on the couch and light your farts.

RATING: 2%

(Image from www.theonion.com.)

Bribery

I guess bribery is OK if it's going to get you out of spending spring break in a Mexican jail for having a little weed hidden in your shoe. But if you're a student in the science fiction class I'm TAing in, you probably shouldn't slip me $40 at the end of class like you're doing a drug deal and then run out of the room before I have a chance to react, because then I'll have to spend all week thinking about how awkward it's going to be when I give the money back next class. The smarter course of action would've been to meet me during my office hours, become my friend, and take me out to a strip club some Friday night. (Did I say that out loud?)

RATING: 0.4% of what I make in a month.

(Image from s3.hubimg.com.)

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Six: Strong City

Strong City (or Lord Our Righteousness Church) is a cult in northern New Mexico led by Wayne Bent (who is now in prison for child molestation). They're no different, really, from a lot of end-of-days churches, except that rather than commit suicide on their Day of Judgment, a stranger, more pitiful thing occurred--something I can only describe as anti-climactic. Cults have a certain allure, so if you're interested in joining us, here is a brief online pamphlet (e-amphlet? ipamph?) worth considering.


Rating: Liberty!!!%

Kirsten Gillibrand's Senate Homepage Photo

Kirsten Gillibrand became a senator for NY when our more popular senator got a more exciting job. I donated monies to her and now, every day or so (but usually every day, or six times a day) Kirsten writes me a special email asking me to sign a petition or to fight for my right, etc. On her homepage is this picture. And can I just say that this picture makes me feel that Ms. Gillibrand has got the bipartisan thing down PAT. Here, Kirsten positions herself at the crux of the great state of New York. To the left, a charged, exciting city filled with buildings and people and gays and culture and things happening. To her left, a vast landscape of mountains and leaves and drunk SUNY students and farmer Republicans. What one person can possibly hold us all together? When Kirsten Gillibrand grows up, I imagine she will look like a hotter Kay Bailey Hutchison. God Bless Kirsten Gillibrand! God Bless the United States of America, and God Bless New York!

RATING: 71%

The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack

If an act of plagiaristic sodomy between Captain Caveman and a heavily irradiated Spongebob Squarepants resulted in the conception of a misshapen idiot child, it couldn't possibly be half as retarded as this show is. One's time would probably be better misspent on one of those ridiculous funnybooks Glenn's always reading.

RATING: 13%

(Image from www.flapjackfan.com.)

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Five: Jokes

Nobody tells jokes anymore. I don't know any jokes. I've never heard a good joke. Right after somebody has told me a joke, I'm apt to sort of smile or fake laugh. Inside, I'm thinking, "This person just told me a joke." And I lose a little bit of respect for them.





Rating: 15%

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Four: Ramen

Ramen noodles are pretty much depressing. They're cheap and easy to prepare. You can give them to children for lunch because, whatever, they're children--what are they gonna do about it? College kids like them because college kids are lazy and don't know shit. I swore I'd never eat them again after I graduated. But I just had some. Which means I'm pretty much a failure.



Rating: 22%

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Three: Jimmy Dean Sausage

Hey, assholes! I'm back, and here to bring you what you've been craving: a nice big sausage. Sausage is great. It's like bacon only meatier and twice the acid-reflux fun. Actually, I'm not going to say anymore. I'm going to let Randy Taylor, my new-found hero, take it over from here:

Rating: havemyowndamnsausagemadelikeIusedto%

The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Angry Video Game Nerd, created by James Rolfe, is the main character in a series of popular online videos. Typically, an Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) video features the Nerd going on a scatologically profane tirade against a vintage video game he has chosen to review. The reviews center primarily around games for the original Nintendo system, but the Nerd has been known to focus his rage on other vintage gaming systems as well. AVGN videos are also notable for their use of slapstick and cheap special effects. Since beginning in 2004, Rolfe has made over eighty episodes for the AVGN series among other videos.

Rating: 91%

(Image from lukephillips.files.wordpress.com)

Black Panther: Black & White

Christopher Priest's run on Black Panther is the definitive take on the character, balancing character, action, and international politics into one of the smartest hero books to have ever been released. Late in the run, though, Priest started to go a little haywire. He started to bring in all these weird elements from Jack Kirby's insane 70s version of the Black Panther, including time traveling golden frogs, a loquacious dwarf, and a 7 foot tall woman dressed like Galactus. That craziness in itself wasn't necessarily bad, but the continuity Priest had built up over 50 issues on the book was fairly dense, and it was difficult for new readers to jump on board. So he took the book in a new direction with this (uncollected) storyline, in which a New York City policeman finds half a Black Panther costume and decides to use it to fight corrupt cops. It's a terrific crime book, and true to form was canceled basically right after this so thanks Marvel!

RATING: 90%

Doom Patrol Vol. 5: Magic Bus

Oh, Grant Morrison, you so crazy! Mr. Nobody of the Brotherhood of Dada runs for president, so Robotman stomps around like a big crankypuss. Meanwhile, Dorothy, the ape-faced little girl he lives with on Danny The Street, a sentient city block, starts having terrifying hallucinations. I don't think you could call the Doom Patrol "heroes" at this point in Morrison's storyline, but you also probably couldn't call it a "story" by any stretch of the word either.

RATING: 82%

Batman: Hush

I always wondered where it was exactly that Jeph Loeb went from pretty decent comic book writer to big old piece of doodie. Turns out it was somewhere around part 8 of this year long storyline from 2002-2003. The plot is a long-forgotten childhood friend of Bruce Wayne comes back into his life at the same time a mysterious new figure starts stalking Batman. I WONDER WHO IT COULD BE. The worst part is when we hear the guy's motivation - because Bruce Wayne's father saved the kid's mother from death after his parents were in a car accident he caused. Then he had to wait until he was 18 to get his parents' wealth how awful. At least Jim Lee's art is pretty.

RATING: 62%

Fear Agent Vol. 1: Re-Ignition

No, it's not a remix of this song, it's TEXANSSSssss... INNNnnnn... SPAAAAAaaaace!

RATING: 87%

I Drink For A Reason by David Cross

I Drink For A Reason is a collection of humorous essays, lists and rants by comedian/actor David Cross (Arrested Development, Mr. Show). Cross' particular brand of angry satire is not for everyone. Not in the "oh, you wouldn't get it" sense but more in the "you'll probably just think he's an asshole" sense. Cross, a self-proclaimed atheist Jew, tackles a variety of targets in the book, including but not limited to: religion, politics, hipsters, hippies, pundits, celebrities, Jim Belushi, Bill O'Reilly and things he thought of while having a bowel movement.

Rating: 79%

(Image from amazon.ca)

People of Walmart

There are a lot of freaks out there. But even freaks need to stock up on tube socks and cat food from time to time. Thankfully, the website People of Walmart dutifully documents some of the many freaky people who get their bargains at the Wal. The site boasts photos of mullet enthusiasts, crossdressers, escaped mental patients, casual racists, and even the occasional celebrity. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Rating: Blue light special on aisle 5%

(Image from peopleofwalmart.com)

[Full disclosure: I shop at Walmart. My disdain for the company's policies and the freakishness of some of its customers is outmatched by my love of cheap DVDs.]

Liquid Swords by The GZA

While this is technically a solo album by Wu Tang member The GZA, it is produced by The RZA, who produces Wu Tang albums and also features guest spots by many Wu Tang members. So you can probably use that information to figure out that it is a terrific album. The samurai motif Wu Tang likes to use is in full effect here, with almost every song sampling from the movie Shogun Assassin. But that's ok! If you like rappening, then this album is where it's happening, to quote Bastard, Ol' Dirty.

RATING: 86%

The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory is an American sitcom currently in its third season on CBS. The show centers around two Caltech physicist roommates: Leonard and Sheldon. Leonard, the more socially adjusted of the two, carries the emotional arcs of the series, often showcasing his on-again-off-again relationship with his attractive neighbor Penny. Sheldon, the breakout character, appears to have either an autistic spectrum disorder or Asperger syndrome, but in a fun way. The show balances typical sitcom plots with funny characters and clever, geek friendly humor.

Rating: 80%

(Image from tvshowsondvd.com)

Donairs

The donair is a Canadian variation of the Turkish döner kebab. Rolled in a pita, the donair is filled with beef (cooked on a vertical spit), lettuce, onions and tomatoes and is covered with a sweet sauce. Having been introduced to Canada sometime in the 1970s, the donair has become increasingly popular over the last few decades, especially in Atlantic Canada. Though similar to the American gyro, the donair is not likely to contain any lamb meat and its sauce is derived from milk and vinegar, whereas a gyro's sauce is most likely either sour cream or tzatziki. Though photographic evidence would suggest otherwise, the donair is a tasty Canadian delicacy.

Rating: 85%

(Image from chowtown.wordpress.com)

A Month of Stuff That Will Kill You Now or Eventually # 2: Hippopotamus

The hippopotamus amphibius, or "river horse," is responsible for several hundred human fatalities each year—more than lions and crocodiles put together. Its tusks, which often appear adorably Chiclet-like in artistic depictions, are actually long and sharp enough to cut a full grown man in half. A hippo can run up to 30 miles per hour, so if one charges you and you're not carrying artillery-grade weaponry, you're pretty much fucked. However, if King Hippo charges you, all you have to do is throw a punch at his open mouth and then hit him in the stomach about 50 times while he's trying to pull up his pants.

RATING: 91%

(Image from z.about.com.)

Comic Three-In-One

Amazing Spider-man: Unintended Consequences

Spider-man is so squeaky-clean he's basically the Mickey Mouse of superheroes, except that everybody he knows or cares about dies terribly because of him.

RATING: 70%





New X-Men Vol. 6: Planet X

In one of the greatest X-men storylines of all time, Xorn turns out to be Magneto, takes over Xavier's school, incapacitates the X-men, conquers New York, kills Jean Grey, and gets decapitated. Don't worry, these aren't spoilers; every one of these actions was retconned out of existence 5 issues later.

RATING: 75%



Squadron Supreme: Power To The People

NO.

RATING: 1%

He Got Game: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

I don't remember too much about the movie He Got Game other than liking it when I was 18, but the soundtrack was amazing. Spike Lee paired music by Public Enemy with what is essentially a "greatest hits" collection of music by composer Aaron Copland. I never bought the Public Enemy disc, but the Copland disc is essentially what got me into 20th century classical music. Everybody knows "Fanfare For The Common Man," which is on this album, but there are a lot of other wonderful mid 20th century capsules of one of America's greatest composers here, from Copland's nostalgic reinterpretations of traditional folk melodies to his dissonant reconstruction of the icon Billy the Kid. So you can be miserly your whole life and blame the economy or you can try to at least enrich your sophisticated half by buying the classical part of a soundtrack to a failed movie indicting college sports if I remember it correctly (and probably racism).

RATING: 84%

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Century 1910

I really like LXG, but Century: 1910 was kinda boring. Neither the characters nor the milieu are developed in the lively way that I've come to expect from this series. The literary references are less interesting and funny and more obscure than usual. The art is dark and stiff. Not much seems to happen, plot-wise, either. Maybe it'll take another read or two before I "get" it, or maybe my expectations were too high, or maybe it was just a rushed job. I guess I'm glad I own this, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't already a huge Moore fan.

RATING: 65%

(Image from wednesdayshaul.com.)

A Month of Stuff That Will Kill You Now or Eventually #1: Ettan Snus

Ettan is pretty much my go-to brand. It has a toasty flavour rather than a lemony one, so it goes well with coffee, beer and all kinds of other things that I have to cut back on if I want to avoid type 2 diabetes for a few more years. Some snus users prefer the citrous, salty bitch-slap of General Snus, while non-snus users tend to simply claw at their gums crying, "It burns! It burns!" followed by a bout of weeping into their delicate, coffee-coloured hands.

RATING: 89%

(Image from schweden-snus.com.)

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is kinda like The Rocketeer, insofar as they are both movies with impressive production value and lackluster stories. That's not to say that Sherlock Holmes isn't worth watching, so much as it's not worth getting excited about. Guy Ritchie's slow-it-down-then-speed-it-up camera tricks keep a few of the action sequences from being totally incomprehensible but, in the end, they add very little to the overall movie. Some critics have played up an apparent gay subtext between Robert Downey Jr.'s Holmes and Jude Law's Watson, but it is much ado about nothing. HARDLY A SPOILER ALERT: the movie goes to great lengths to set itself up for a sequel.

Rating: 60%

(Image from filmofilia.com)

Stir Of Echoes

I guess any ghost movie that ends with a shootout can't be all bad.

RATING: 60%

Up In The Air

Up In The Air is an original movie about a man who thinks he can live a solitary life but then realizes he doesn't like to be alone after all. It's pretty good I guess. A lot of critics are calling it the "best picture of 2009," and at first I was all like, "Tch, yeah right," but then I thought "what the hell other good movies even came out last year? The Hurt Locker?" What a shitty year.

RATING: 77%

Google Chrome for Mac

For too long mac users have been limited to choosing between Safari McRAMhog and Firefox Crashy McCrashesalot for their web browsing needs (because let's be honest here--no self-respecting mac user is going to let Internet Explorer anywhere near their mac), but Google has finally brought us salvation from shitty web browsing with the much anticipated release of its Google Chrome browser for mac. I've been using this shiny piece of work for about two days now and after trying all my usual browser-killing tricks--using 10 tabs at once, searching Hulu for a new show while playing Hulu in another tab, browsing Amazon while doing everything else, running my browser while running 10 other programs, and generally showing no respect for the idea of doing one thing at a time--my sweet little 1st generation macbook has only crashed a total of two times. Most browsing has been smooth and special and at this point I'm willing to accept that the two crashes I did have were either the result of my newly updated OS (finally got snow leopard) or are kinks that our benevolent Google overlords will work out over time.

So all in all, Google Chrome is the best new thing since the sexy Keurig machine (review coming soon) that my sister gave me for Christmas.

Rating: 81%