Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex

The Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex is a bunch of cities that are right next to each other, but hold your horses they're not that next to each other. Like you might want to go to a museum in Fort Worth although you're staying in Dallas, but it takes like an hour to get there with practically no traffic so surprise surprise. Anyway, I like the way these places look. Fort Worth is especially pretty, although there are a lot of rolling grassy hills, knolls even, throughout all of DFW. They are weird though. Like they call Randall's Tom Thumb, and Hardee's Carl's Jr., and there's this weird flashing yellow arrow for yielding left turns that doesn't exist anywhere else. In Conclusion, from my day and a half in the DFW Metroplex I can safely claim that it's a pretty good city/cities, even though the drivers there are the biggest assholes of any city's drivers. That's never been said before, I know.

RATING: 71%

Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA

This is quite simply the worst beer in the universe. I ordered it at the Flying Saucer at my waitress' suggestion, and was immediately sorry I did. It tastes like Thunderbird, or Hermit's, or some other sugary bum wine--very sweet, with a bouquet of sour fruit and ethanol and a distinctly assy finish. I asked the waitress to take it away, because I didn't even want to look at it, let alone drink it. So you can imagine my consternation when I got my bill and discovered that this little bastard cost $12. Twelve dollars! For that kind of money, I expect a beer to be good and come in a diamond-encrusted goblet brought to the table in the fist of God himself.

RATING: 0%, actually more like -10%, because now when I drink Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA, It tastes kind of like the 120.

(Image from brainardbrewing.com. God damn, I'm hung over.)

Doolittle by The Pixies

After getting "Wave Of Mutilation" stuck in my head endlessly from playing Rock Band I decided I had better listen to this whole album for a change instead of just "Monkey Gone To Heaven." Anyways, it's pretty good, what do you want? Everybody knows the Pixies are soooo influential, yeah yeah yeah. This is a good album, it has guitars, Frank Black yells a lot, Kim Deal sometimes sings backup. The best song is still "Monkey Gone To Heaven." To wrap up, this album was recorded twenty years ago I am so old.

RATING: 76%

Being All Tired and Shit

No one likes being all tired and shit. Like when you stay up all night drinking with Russian figure skaters, and then go to an NHL game, and then write, like, a 25 page paper in 2 days, and then you stay up until the wee hours of the morning watching Dexter online for a bunch of days in a row, and all of the sudden it's 11:50 on Thursday night and you're not in bed, you're writing a shitty self-indulgent post on your friends' blog like people actually care how you waste your stupid time. I guess it beats eating peanuts and crying while sitting in a bathtub full of cold water. I don't know if anyone's ever really done that but it's fucking pathetic.

RATING: 5%

(Image from cache.daylife.com. These aren't the Russian figure skaters I'm talking about, I just thought they looked the part.)

A Magazine

A magazine is a stupid thing to buy. It usually costs around $5, and it contains almost no information you can't already find on the internet. Like for instance pretend you were at the store today buying cookies for your students and you happened to see a magazine featuring an article about the best small town diners in Texas. Why bother buying it? A) if you wanted to find out about the best small town diners in Texas you could just Google search it, and B) I'm never going to do that anyway because I don't care enough. Also there were like 50 pages of ads for watches before any legitimate articles started so in conclusion Baudrillard was right when he said print was dead the Internet rules. I don't know if he said that but everybody else around here sounds all smart and I wanted to board the brain train.

RATING: 31%

JLA/Avengers

Look, I know a lot about comic books, and even I can't really explain this one. Basically, the Justice League of America is DC Comics' main hero team, featuring Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc, and the Avengers is Marvel Comics' main hero team, featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, etc. This book written a few years ago was a big crossover event, and its plot is convoluted and incomprehensible, but what keeps this from being lame is George Perez's amazing art. Anyway, if you click on the image there and can identify more than half of the characters then maybe check out the book if you get a chance but don't call me when you're confused.

RATING: 61%

Paris Hilton's My New BFF

PPPPPLLLLLLFFFFFTTTTTHHHHHH.

RATING: PPPPPLLLLLLFFFFTTTHHHHHHHHH%

Real Pirates

Whereas fictional pirates are fun for kids and occasionally kind of sexy despite stupid facial hair and general dirtiness, real pirates are actual lame criminals who hold boats and people hostage and drive up the cost of shipping things. They are also a bit baffling, making the whole world question, why doesn't someone drive a lot of boats/submarines/stealth bombers over there to the Indian Ocean and blow their asses up? (Well, according to this handy Q&A they are hard to find or something.) In sum, if your citizens are in such dire straights that they start resorting to PIRACY you may need to think about cleaning up your damn country.

Rating: 5%
(Crappy, but still gets a bit of credit for making the newspeople talk about something other than Britany Spears.)

Lake Huron

Lake Huron is the most underrated of the Great Lakes because no one usually even remembers it's a Great Lake (unless you live in Michigan or Ontario or whatever), but it's home to the Storm of 1913 that killed over 235 sailors and sank 10 ships, so you oughta' respect. Although it's the 4th or 5th (tomato tamato) largest freshwater lake in the World it's only the 2nd largest Great Lake, but nice try pal.

RATING: 53%

The Lonesome Crowded West by Modest Mouse

This is an album of music that is meant for listening, and it is pretty good. It is abrasive, angry, and sloppy, and something like seventy minutes long. It's perfect for road trips because of its length, and also because it has a lot of lyrical and musical motifs that recur throughout the album. It gets a little boring near the end, but that might be because my CD starts skipping there who knows. Although this music is good, I don't think I would ever want to be friends with the lead singer because he seems like he gets in a lot of fights and drinks too much and would be way too needy but whatevs the album's great. Hard to believe they followed this two albums later with the totally accessible Good News For People Who Love Bad News, not that being accessible is a crime, but there's just such a major difference in style.

RATING: 82%

Worms

Worms are versatile creatures. The early bird gets them, but if you or your dog gets them then that's gross see a vet/doctor. I read a book as a child that discussed various culinary methods of worm preparation, and although I thought the ending was infuriating I guess it was a good book. Sometimes you get ringworm that that's not a worm, it's mold or some shit, who am I, former surgeon general Dr. Jocelyn Elders? The worst thing about worms is that one can get into your computer I'm told and then that fucks up your shit but not in a good way like when Berlioz was on opium. The lesson is don't do drugs and also make sure you have anti virus software which I don't.

RATING: 43% (Regular old earthworms are charming enough to make up for all the other bad kinds a bit)

Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz

Written in 1830, this symphony by Berlioz might be the first time great music could be blamed on being totally fucked up on some wild shit, man. Basically it is a symphony that follows the loose "fictional" plot of an artist who wants this babe but totally can't get with her so he does a lot of opium and hallucinates that she is at this witch orgy. It's a pretty great piece, filled with a lot of bombastic moments of great pounding drums and brass, but the most famous element is the final movement, which takes place at the aforementioned orgy, go figure. Anyway, Berlioz is definitely cemented in the Romantic era of classical music, and in my opinion is the only French composer of note from that period, ie, that I like so deal with it.

RATING: 81%

Dallas Stars Fans

I think the point of going to a hockey game is to watch your team play, not necessarily to watch them win (especially when they're playing the San Jose Sharks, who are the top rated team in the league right now.) When 25% of the fans leave before the 3rd period even starts, and 50% with 12+ minutes left in the game, you have to wonder why a city bothers having a hockey team at all, except, perhaps, as one more feather in its moneyed 10 gallon hat. Sportsmanship is an ethos that extends to the spectators of a sport, especially when there are children watching. These Dallas Stars "fans" should be ashamed of themselves.

RATING: 50%--the 50% who stayed until the game was finished.

(Image from ultimate-photos.com.)

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

There's a diabetic in my house, so every time I come home the fridge is stocked with bizarre incarnations of diet soda. The latest is Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. First of all, if it takes longer for me to type the name of the soda than it does for me to finish the can, points off. Although quite miraculously, this soda does taste like what might have happened if you combined Diet Dr. Pepper and black cherry soda in your junior chemistry set, and then performed an experiment in which you sucked every hint of sweetness or tastiness from the combo. If there is one dominant flavor in this soda, I would say it's neither cherry nor vanilla but something more akin to stomach rot. It's not as bad as the chocolate-covered-whatever Dr. Pepper that Glenn brought to his class once, but it's not good, friends. It's not good.

RATING: 34%

Herr's Heinz Ketchup Chips

When I was small and I visited my cousins in Toronto, I would always be sure to smuggle several small bags of Hostess's Ketchup Chips back with me. The first time I saw the chips, I was both overjoyed and affronted: how could such revolutionary potato chips exist and yet be unavailable to me across the border? Eventually I forgot about the chips, but at Pathmark I saw a whole rack of these. And they're not bad! Unlike the Hostess chips, these are ruffled, but there's the same freeze-dried, sodium-laced tomato taste I remember so fondly. Whenever I mention kethcup chips to anyone, they act like the concept disgusts them, but if you've ever eaten ketchup with your french fries then it's really not that much of a stretch.

RATING: 86%

Chapstick

I don't understand chapstick. Everybody's always like "Oh man, I forgot my chapstick," or "Pass the chapstick, dude," or "Here try some chapstick," but I have tried them and basically it's like a cherry booger stick. What's it supposed to do, be stupid? Because if so, it's getting it right. I guess if you want a little flavor blast or something it's an ok thing, but as far as protecting your lips from wasps or spiders it gets an F-.

RATING: 23%

American Thanksgiving

American Thanksgiving is a way bigger deal than Canadian Thanksgiving, which is what I grew up with. You get a four day weekend here, there's football everywhere all of the sudden (except apparently in Detroit), and pumpkin flavored everything, the best of all seasonal flavors. The main allure of Thanksgiving is you get to eat a lot of food, which I guess isn't so different from any other day in America but on Thanksgiving you don't have to feel guilty about it. Which is to say I ate way too much tonight, which is to say I ate exactly the right amount.

RATING: 96%

Lake Erie

Lake Erie is the worst of the Great Lakes. It's small, shallow, polluted, and the lake with the most shipwrecks. In other words, of all things bad about lakes it's the worst at everything. The only cool thing is the Lake Erie Monsters hockey team, but I'm pretty sure there are no real monsters in Lake Erie because nothing can survive there anyway. In conclusion, Lake Erie is like the Pluto of the Great Lakes.

RATING: 3%

Cereal Marshmallows

Cereal marshmallows, known as "breakfast gold" to children everywhere, are tiny freeze dried marshmallows of various colors that taste like science and have the texture of Styrofoam. In other words, they are great. I still remember the first cereal with marshmallows I ever had - Pac-Man Cereal, which was basically Kix with marshmallows. These days I don't eat marshmallow cereal that much, because I'm worried about being judged by people and also my heart, cholestoral, liver, etc. I got that picture from thebulkstoretaylor.com , from which you can purchase a bag of just cereal marshmallows, weird. THIS IS THE END OF AMERICA. Ha ha jk lol.

RATING: 62%

Powers Vol. 1: Who Killed Retro Girl?

Powers is a great crime comic book written by Brian Michael Bendis that follows a couple of homicide cops assigned to take care of cases that deal with superpowers in some form or other. Over the course of its 80 issues or so he and artist Michael Avon Oeming have created a great universe for these characters (central are Detectives Christian Walker and Deena Pilgrim), and all the superheros that inhabit it. In this first trade the two are partnered up and must solve the mystery of, uh, who killed Retro-Girl. Bendis is great in comics where he can wallow in snappy, noirish dialogue, and this is a great example. I can't wait to talk about the monkey-fucking issue.

RATING: 80%

A View To A Kill

Although Roger Moore was like 102 when he made this, his last Bond movie, and the plot is totally ridiculous, this one isn't as bad as everybody makes it out to be. There's a lot of great locations, such as an immense horse breeding facility, a great mine set, and of course the climactic fight atop the Golden Gate Bridge. Aside from Duran Duran, the real reason to see this movie of course is Christopher Walken as Max Zorin, the crazy evil bad guy. He just chews up everything around him in this movie. Classic.

RATING: 53%

Christianity

Christianity is a religion in which you believe that there is a supreme being named God or something, and also he sacrificed his son Jesus for your sins so you better be good for goodness' sake. In theory this religion is pretty good, because it basically says don't hate. In America this religion is actually terrible because everybody interprets "don't hate" to mean "hate all the time as much as you can." A lot of people here use Christianity as an excuse to do any sort of mean thing or vote any sort of mean way (Prop. 8) because the same people who complain about how hard it is to read Shakespeare in my class are all of the sudden experts on the meaning of vague Elizabethan translations of ancient Greek text. Anyway, I could totally be on board with the don't judge, don't hate, be nice part of Christianity (except for the God and Jesus and Hell parts), but that ain't in Texas, Flordia, Illinois, or I bet any other state in the union.

RATING: A Real Nice Story%

(PS - this review can basically be applied to any monotheistic religion, so just replace key words like Jesus, God, Elizabethan, Greek, America, etc)

Spaghetti

Spaghetti (or as we Italians like to call it, "Spaghetti") inspires in me a love so profound that I struggle to express it in words. I know that comfort food is supposed to conjure up images of macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and soup or whatever, but for me, the most comforting meal I can imagine is just a big bowl of spaghetti. If I was told I could only choose one food on which to base all meals for the rest of my life, I would choose balsamic steak. But that might get a bit pricey, and these are hard economic times we're living in, so my second choice would definitely be spaghetti. At $1-2 a package, you can feed 3-4 people on the cheap. Spaghetti loves to be dressed up, and she's very accommodating -- tomato sauce? Sure. Pesto? Why not. Some garlic browned in olive oil? Yes please. If you are cooking spaghetti and you're not sure if it's done, you can throw a strand of it at a wall and if it sticks, you're good to go. Spaghetti has gotten fancy during the extravagant Bush era, and now comes in wheat, Omega-3, and calcium varieties. But I don't discriminate. Each little squiggly strand has my everlasting devotion.

RATING: 99%

Tofurkey

Even when I was experimenting with veganism (ok so it was a two year "experiment," but whatever) in college I never bought one of these things because I heard they were gross. However, last week my roommate and his vegetarian girlfriend bought one and I ended up trying it. How was it? Well, the meaty part was nasty but the stuffing part was okay so together they added up to...um...pretty gross? And the accompanying gravy was disgusting (I gave it one taste and threw out the rest). So yeah, gross. Vegetarians would be advised to skip the fake turkey and eat more mashed potatoes.

Rating: 25% (If I was starving I'd be happy to have it, but if I was a vegetarian I wouldn't bother.)

Atheism

Atheism is a religion mainly for people who are really pretentious and condescending. Basically it is when you without a doubt believe there is no God, supreme force, connective tissue, or anything in the universe other than what you see because you're soooooo great and know everything congratulations. I guess being an atheist is fine whenever you come to that conclusion through science and reason, but one thing I hate is when people become atheists because they had a shitty week or something. "My car got stolen and my great aunt Petunia died, therefore I now know there is no God." Like what, he's your personal servant or something? Your sandwich sucks and it's God's fault? If you get into a philosophical argument with an atheist then it's probably going to be just as frustrating as getting into a philosophical argument with a Christian, so it's probably better to just talk about the Mets/Jets/Rockets/Blue Jackets instead.

RATING: I Don't Believe In Ratings%

Supreme Power Vol. 1: Contact

The plot of Supreme Power is tough to explain, but I'll try to sum it up: basically, it's analogs of DC's Justice League set in a more realistic world, and all the people who get powers get them from dubious (alien) origins. It's dark, and this first volume in the series is a great set up to our main characters. Here's my problem, and I know some of you don't like this line of thinking (Tim): part of what made these first six issues great was the promise of a story that could slowly unfold, a world that J. Michael Straczynski could take his time ripping apart. But after the series was mandated to move from Marvel's adult line, MAX, to its regular line, and then had an incomprehensible crossover with the Ultimate Universe, and is now a series being written by Howard Chaykin who clearly has no intention on resolving anything JMS set up, I know that those initial promises will never be fulfilled. So while I still get some of the same thrill reading this volume, mostly it's just a reminder of the disappointment I've ultimately had with this series that could have had so much potential. Ahh, but volume 1, 2, 3 and the Nighthawk limited series were great, so maybe we can all just pretend everything worked out?

RATING: 79%

Martini

I like to think of the martini as a reminder to the rest of the world to shut the fuck up about America. Its contribution to the world is enough of a pass for America to continue the downward spiral for at least the next thousand years. Okay, while the true origin of the martini is largely debated most historical references point to an American origin, but whatever. I'm not going to go into all the he said/she said about vodka vs. gin either. We all know a "real martini" is purely gin, but let's not be assholes, kids. It's all okay with me as long as you don't consider an appletini an actual martini. I prefer my martini very dry (a light spritz of vermouth in the glass), washed olives to help remove some of the briny flavor, and the gin diluted with a little water to help the notes blossom. Stirred? Absolutely, but that's purely a matter of preference.

RATING: 95%

Olives

Olives are a kind of fruit I guess but you would never know because they are disgusting whereas most fruit are delicious, except kiwi, pineapple, and durian. They basically taste like gross soggy bunches of salt and oil, which is their molecular construction if I do remember my science and I think that I do. The only acceptable place to ever eat an olive is by accident on pizza because somebody else ordered it and you're totally hungry and forgot to pick all of them off. If you eat them for snacks or on a sandwich beware because you are headed for puke city, population you and me if I also ate an olive.

RATING: 7%

The Destroyed Room: B-Sides And Rarities by Sonic Youth

I don't think I can recommend this to anybody except hardcore Sonic Youth fans. Most of the songs on this b-sides collection (isn't that as antiquated a term as any?) just feel completely unfinished, as though they were beginnings of songs that could have appeared later. Just jams and riffs. I guess I enjoyed it, but I sometimes enjoy NYC Ghosts & Flowers, too, and I wouldn't wish that cd on my worst enemy, Paul Sorvino. So don't go buy this I guess, although it's way better than NYC Ghosts.

RATING: 45%

Daredevil Visionaries: Frank Miller Vol. 1

Frank Miller essentially defined the character Daredevil as we know him today: he made the stories much darker (and they were already pretty dark), he introduced Elektra, and he killed Elektra (first). This volume is where Miller started on Daredevil, but unfortunately he started only as an artist, so most of the stories in this trade are pretty standard 80s schlock. Muggers, weddings, crime bosses, blah blah blah. It is amazing though how Miller's art changes so much over the course of these eight issues, from being normal Gene Colan ripoffs to becoming more of his definitive style we recognize from the Dark Knight Returns. But you can purchase much more interesting curiosities for $15.

RATING: 46%

Mead

Just buy the whole bottle. I'm serious. Don't bother with the sissy plastic cup for $6.50. You will need to chug at least half of this bottle straight away just to deal with what you will see at the Texas Renaissance Festival. This place is insane, and cold wine made with honey is your only remedy. Sure, it's a lot sweeter than that Pinot Grigio your girlfriend makes you drink when you're dinner at with her friends, but this is what Chaucer drank. And as hard as you try, you'll never be as famous a writer as Chaucer, ha! Mead is best served cold, so once you buy the bottle you should finish it within 15 minutes, I'm thinking.

Pairing advice: Best served with a bag of Kettle Corn.

RATING: 88%