Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Noodling

1. Drink four beers.
2. Find a log submerged in a shallow part of a lake or river.
3. Drink a beer.
4. Have your redneck friend block one side of the log, either with his foot or beer-gut.
5. Swim down to log.
6. Put hand in log.
7. Wait for something to bite hand.
7a) If that something is a water mocassin, call 911.
7b) If that something is a turtle, pray you still have a finger.
7c) If that something is an enormous flathead catfish, continue to step eight.
8. Struggle with enormous flathead catfish, making sure to keep head above water, so often calling upon redneck friend(s) for help (though not so often as to be viewed as a quote-unquote fuckin' pussy).
9. Say, "Sumbitch" and "Motherfucker" as often as possible.
10. Use free hand to chug a beer.
11. Pull enormous flathead catfish onto shore.
12. Chug a beer.
13. Beat enormous catfish with paddle (or rock, if paddle not available).
14. Have redneck friend(s) take picture of you holding enormous flathead catfish.
15. Drink beer.

Rating: Oklahoma%
Click here to see it happen!

26 comments:

Bertha said...

Awesome! Are you guys going to eat him?

Fake R3 Persona said...

displays rudimentary knowledge of satire

loco said...

Catfish are what eat the scum at the bottom of your fish tank. The phrase "fried catfish" makes me feel sick. Still, I would not punch a catfish in its whiskered face.

Keybun said...

In my world, Noodling has a completely different definition.

Chris said...

That catfish is unreal.

And catfish are definitely not kosher, but there's nothing like a fish fry.

Did you see the documentary on noodling, Andrew?

Viking Andrew said...

You mean Okie Noodlin, Chris? If so, then yes. It made a major impact on my young, white trash psyche. As far as catfish and its relationship to the kosher diet, I'll simply say this: you aren't fucking semitic, so let the good times roll!
L'chaim!

Chris said...

Yeah, that's it! And I was responding to Loco's comment about catfish as a food.

But how do these guys catch 'em without getting "finned"?

Viking Andrew said...

Good question, Chris. I know the general make-up of a catfish differs wildly from let's say your basic black bass. What I do know is that their barbels (the reason they're called 'catfish') can hurt. I think there's an understanding in the noodling community that, no matter what, you're probably going to bleed once all is said and done.

Chris said...

Damn, I've heard some bad stories about catfish wounds. I was terrified to catch catfish as a kid because I knew I'd have to unhook them. Always hoped there was a bass on the other end.

Viking Andrew said...

There are also all sorts of class issues that come with bass fishing v. catfish fishing.

Viking Andrew said...

Also, it seems Fake R3 Persona is either asleep, or not willing to touch Keybun.

Fake R3 Persona said...

stereotyped version of gay man, borderline homophobia

Francisca said...

If I was ever to be executed for a crime that I did not commit, I'd want my last meal to be spiced catfish with rice and beans, washed down with Jack Daniel's.

Theodore said...

My downward spiral began when a flathead catfish nipped off a part of me that I just don't want to talk about.

Billy Joe said...

noodling is fucking great. I caught a 40 pounder once

Belabras said...

I spent 24 years of my life in Oklahoma and I never once went noodling.

Fried catfish is pretty tasty though.

laurie said...

I. Don't. Get. It.

Viking Andrew said...

You're from Florida. How do you not get it?

laurie said...

There are a lot of things about Florida that never made sense to me, Andrew.

Internet John said...

The catfish is God's own fish, and beer is God's own anaesthetic. One and a half thumbs up.

shoppista said...

Man, I wish my home state could be famous for something other than lunatic anti-choice legislators and people who want to wrassle catfish.

We also have tornadoes! So, you know, uh, there's that in our favor. Um.

Viking Andrew said...

Shoppista,

I wish I had something to make you feel better about Oklahoma. I really, really do.



Wait! I got it!


BOOMER!

SOONER!!

shoppista said...

Andrew, I went to the other state college.

I think I'm just going to have to develop a perverse pride in noodling.

(not) Brent Newland said...

isnt tom joad from oklahoma thats something

Viking Andrew said...

That's true (n)BNL. As is Garth Brooks.

(not) Brent Newland said...

i hear cat stevens is from their too