Black Christmas (2019)

I knew very little about 2019's Black Christmas before I watched it but I had a sinking feeling that I wasn't going to enjoy it once I saw that it was rated PG-13. I was right. My problems with the film have little to do with its feminist leanings though. That's all well and good. I just found all of the characters to be unlikable. The kills were bloodless and tame. Cary Elwes's character's accent was laughable. Also, spoiler alert, the supernatural element was dumb. But, perhaps worst of all, Andrea Martin does not appear in the film. Can you call it Black Christmas if Andrea Martin isn't there? I think not.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Black Christmas Yearbook

1974 - 2006

Xmas Story

It's the year 3000 and Fry is having a hard time adjusting to Xmas (formerly known as Christmas) in the 30th Century. His complaints wind up upsetting Leela, who grew up an orphan. To cheer her up, Fry sets out to buy Leela a last minute Xmas present. But, Fry being Fry, he fails to heed the warnings about Robot Santa who, due to a programming error, goes on a killing spree every Xmas Eve. I haven't watched Futurama in many years, so revisiting this episode was a real treat for me. Tinny Tim, the down-and-out robot in search of charity booze, was definitely a highlight.

Rating: Stink Lizards%

The Great Santa Claus Switch

On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is kidnapped by the evil wizard Cosmo Scam and his cave-dwelling minions, the Frackles. No, not the Fraggles, the Frackles. They're a completely different group of cave-dwelling weirdos. Let's not get bogged down in the details. The important thing here is that Cosmo intends to use his evil magic to impersonate Santa and then rob all of the houses on Santa's route. Santa's only hope? A keen elf named Fred. The Great Santa Claus Switch aired as an episode of The Ed Sullivan Show in 1970 and is hosted by the man himself. There aren't too many marquee Muppets in the special, as it was filmed several years before The Muppet Show, but an early version of Gonzo does appear.

Rating: A Toy Truck%

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

A year has passed and the extended McCallister family are on their way to another destination Christmas vacation, this time to sunny Florida. However, their plans are sullied after a mishap at the airport sends Kevin to New York City, alone. And, it just so happens that a certain pair of burglars have managed to escape from prison as well. Home Alone 2 is not as good as the original Home Alone, which is hardly surprising. Lost in New York rushes the setup and repeats too many elements from the first film. The violence against the Wet Bandits has been amped up this time around, which still manages to delight. And the movie is really helped by the addition of Tim Curry as the hotel concierge. Watching him hold back tears after being slapped by Catherine O'Hara is amazing.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Miracle on Elm Street

After getting a lesson about the importance of giving during the Christmas season, Richie invites a homeless person to come live with the Winslows. Meanwhile, Steve Urkel heads downs to the city dump to find Laura's favorite doll, which Eddie accidentally threw away. At the end of the episode, the cast breaks the fourth wall and sings "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." This is a top tier Family Matters Christmas episode. There's even an appearance from the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo, so you know I love it.

Rating: Super Nintendo%

Fun Fact: Ben, the homeless man who may have been more than he appeared to be, was played by Art Evans, who was also in Die Hard 2.

The Stingiest Man in Town

The Stingiest Man in Town is the Rankin/Bass version of A Christmas Carol. It's a fairly straightforward adaptation except for, much like in the case of Cricket on the Hearth, the inclusion of an insect narrator. A humbug, in fact. One B. A. H. Humbug, Esq., to be precise, voiced by Tom Bosley. Scrooge is played by Walter Matthau, who gives a fine performance. And the special is jam packed with music. Every few minutes there's another big 70s variety show style song. It's almost comical how many songs are in this special. There are a few flourishes here and there that set The Stingiest Man in Town apart from other adaptations of A Christmas Carol, but it's pretty plain overall.

Rating: A Tie%

(Image from IMDB)

Silent Knight

Michael and KITT cross paths with a kid on the run from some bank robbers. With the police unable to protect the kid, Michael decides to take him out of town to stay with some relatives. But the bank robbers are hot on their trail. I'm no expert on Knight Rider but, to me, it seems pretty similar to The Six Million Dollar Man. If Steve Austin had a souped-up car instead of bionic limbs, he'd be Michael Knight. And this particular episode of Knight Rider isn't even all that Christmas-y. But KITT does learn a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas, so that's good enough for me.

 

Rating: Argyle Socks%

Fun Fact: One of the bank robbers was played by David Proval, who was also in UHF and The Monster Squad.

George and the Christmas Star

While decorating his Christmas tree, George decides that no ordinary star will be good enough. So he builds a spaceship in his backyard and sets off to capture the brightest star in the night sky. Along the way he meets a singing robot, gets pulled over by the cops, gets captured by pirates, meets a girl and takes a ride on Santa's sleigh. It's an odd little journey. The animation style is a mishmash of Terry Gilliam, Heavy Metal and The Wizard of Id. The music is great and the special has a quirky tone.

Rating: Friendship%

Jennifer's Home for Christmas

Everyone at the station seems to have big plans for Christmas, except for Jennifer. So, after she gets upset when the Christmas party is cut short, they all decide to go down to her apartment to cheer her up. Warm, festive comedy ensues. I watched a lot of WKRP in Cincinnati reruns when I was a kid. I think it holds up pretty well to this day, if you can get past the theatrical style of older sitcoms. The cast is great and they play off of each other very well. It's a classic workplace sitcom filled with wacky characters. What's not to like?

Rating: Another TV%

Fun Fact: George Gaynes, who played Commandant Lassard in all of the Police Academy movies, appears in the episode as one of the many people dropping gifts off at Jennifer's apartment.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys

You know how in the Halloween franchise, every so often they'd put out a sequel that would ignore some of the sequels that came before it. They did it in H20 and they did it again in the David Gordon Green trilogy. Well, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys is like that. It's a sequel to the original Rankin/Bass special but it has nothing to do with the sequels that Rankin/Bass put out in the 70s. Did I need to reference the Halloween franchise to explain that? No, probably not. But, given that Jamie Lee Curtis is one of the voice actors in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys, it seemed appropriate. This direct-to-video sequel isn't awful but it is awful adjacent. The CGI animation is terrible but they did a great job recreating the classic character designs. The songs are annoying but the voice acting is pretty good. The plot is nonsense but so were the plots of all of Rankin/Bass's specials. Also, the title is misleading, the Island of Misfit Toys isn't really a big part of the story.

Rating: A Boomerang That Won't Come Back%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Shane Black loves Christmas. It's featured in the majority of his films. And while Christmas is featured repeatedly in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, it's mostly a background element. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is primarily a send up of Hollywood and detective fiction. It's also a twist on the buddy cop genre that Black has trafficked in so many times before. Val Kilmer and Michelle Monaghan are very good in the movie but Robert Downey Jr. is the real standout. His performance in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a clear precursor to his time as Tony Stark in the MCU.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Shane Black co-wrote The Monster Squad with Fred Dekker.

The Big .22 Rifle For Christmas

Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith respond to a call about a missing kid. Some blood and the empty casing from a .22 caliber bullet are found outside the boy's home. Soon after, another boy is reported missing. By day's end, both boys will be found but only one of them will be opening their Christmas presents this year. My experience with and knowledge of Dragnet is mostly limited to the 1987 movie version starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, so I'm probably not the best person to judge the original 50s TV incarnation but man, this shit was dour. Dragnet had to be one of the earliest procedural shows, so I can forgive some of its tropes. The voice over narration, the flat dialogue, the staggering abundance of hats. Maybe it was just this particular episode. Maybe some of the other crimes investigated on the show lead to happy endings, but that was definitely not the case this time.

Rating: A Catcher's Mitt%

Green Lantern

Green Lantern is, essentially, a 90s superhero movie. Unfortunately, for the people who made it, it was released in a post-Iron Man, post-The Dark Knight world. It's not a bad movie, at least not as bad as you've probably been led to believe. But, it's not good either. It's a mixture of Top Gun and The Last Starfighter, with a little bit of Howard the Duck thrown in as well. The movie's biggest problem might be that very few people are all that familiar with the Green Lantern character. They might be able to pick him out of a lineup, but that's about it.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun fact: Tim Robbins was in Green Lantern, Top Gun and Howard the Duck.

The Armageddon Factor

The quest for the final segment of the Key to Time brings the Doctor and his companions to Atrios. They soon discover that Atrios and its twin planet Zeos are in the midst of a nuclear war. On Atrios, the war is lead by the fanatical Marshal while, behind the scenes, Princess Astra attempts to find a peaceful resolution to the conflict. Meanwhile, on a mysterious third planet, the Shadow conspires to prolong the war and steal the Key to Time. The Armageddon Factor is a decent story overall but it runs out of steam in the final episode. The conclusion to the Key to Time arc is pretty lackluster and feels a little rushed. The Armageddon Factor has plenty of interesting characters throughout though, including a Time Lord named Drax who shows up out of nowhere in the fifth episode.

Rating: Peace%

Cliffhanger

After a rescue mission goes wrong, Gabe Walker tries to put the mountaineering life behind him. But Gabe's skills are put to the test after he's forced to help international thieves recover three suitcases full of cash that were lost over the Rockies. It's Die Hard on a mountain. But, then again, since Renny Harlin directed it, it's more like Die Hard 2 on a mountain. Cliffhanger is easily one of Stallone's best films from the 90s. The setting really helps differentiate Cliffhanger from similar movies. Michael Rooker and John Lithgow are both great in the film as well.

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Red Dawn

The Cold War gets hot in Red Dawn. When the Soviets invade, a small band of plucky teens take to the woods and form the Wolverines. A guerilla fighting force hell-bent on taking back their country. Starring Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, Powers Boothe and Harry Dean Stanton. Red Dawn is not a subtle movie in any way. It's over the top explosions and gunfights from beginning to end. And while some might choose to see Red Dawn as nationalistic Cold War propaganda, I choose to see Red Dawn as a simplistic 80s gem.

Rating: 76%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Prowler

aka Rosemary's Killer

In 1945, on the night of the graduation dance in Avalon Bay, Rosemary Chatham and her new boyfriend were brutally murdered. The killer was never found. Flash forward to 1980, where preparations are underway for the first graduation dance since that tragic night back in 1945. Spirits are high among the soon-to-be college graduates, but someone is about to ruin their night. Someone with an old score to settle. The Prowler is a semi-independent horror movie from the golden age of slasher films. It's definitely riffing on movies like Halloween and Friday the 13th and there's even an allusion to Jaws at one point. Plot wise, The Prowler is very similar to My Bloody Valentine. Which is likely coincidental, since they were both released the same year. The cast, the music, the setting and the killer are all on point, but The Prowler's script is a little weak. There's not enough going on in the movie, which feels padded out by some long sequences where the main characters explore the same old house twice. The Prowler's main selling point is definitely Tom Savini's special effects makeup. Unlike some of Savini's other work from this era, The Prowler never holds back during the kill scenes. There are several long, lingering shots of people being stabbed and skewered in The Prowler. The kind of shots that typically got cut down by the MPAA in Friday the 13th films. Though not obscure by any means, The Prowler is an under the radar slasher that is well worth seeking out.

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Sentinel

Alison Parker, a fashion model with a troubled past, sets out to find a new apartment. Her search takes her to the gates of hell, literally. The Sentinel is a slow burn but when it feels like ramping up to some crazy shit, it really goes for it. The movie's supporting cast includes Burgess Meredith, John Carradine, Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken, Jerry Orbach, Beverly D'Angelo and Jeff Goldblum.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Alison's boyfriend is played by Chris Sarandon, who was in Fright Night and Child's Play.

The Great Alligator River

aka The Great Alligator

A photographer is hired to take promotional pictures for a newly built tropical resort. The local tribe worries that the resort's construction has angered Kruna, a god that will take its revenge in the form of a giant alligator. Sergio Martino's The Great Alligator River shares a little DNA with Joe Dante's Piranha but it's a Jaws rip-off through and through. The alligator in the movie isn't really a puppet or an animatronic, it seems to be more of a statue than anything else. There are a number of scenes where you see the alligator underwater and it's stiff as a board. When the alligator attacks the tourists, it isn't chomping down on them so much as they are swimming into its mouth. Let's just say, it's no Alligator.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Barbara Bach and Claudio Cassinelli were both in Sergio Martino's Island of the Fishmen.

Blood and Black Lace

A masked killer stalks and slays fashion models while trying to get his black gloved hands on an incriminating diary. Mario Bava's stylish giallo is a proto-slasher that revels in creative kills. The masked killer looks like The Blank from 1990's Dick Tracy movie. And, much like in Mario Bava's A Bay of Blood, almost every character in the movie is a scumbag.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Someone's Watching Me!

Shortly after moving into a new apartment in an LA high-rise, Leigh Michaels starts getting weird phone calls and strange packages. Unbeknownst to Leigh, her stalker has placed surveillance equipment in the apartment and is also watching her through a high powered telescope. Leigh's sanity starts to unravel as the harassment ramps up and the police claim that they are powerless to help her. Eventually, it becomes clear that her stalker will only stop when one of them is dead. Someone's Watching Me! was written and directed by John Carpenter and aired on NBC in November of 1978. Shot shortly before Halloween, Someone's Watching Me! features a number of stylistic touches that would become synonymous with Carpenter's work. Steadicam is used in a couple of scenes and the cast includes Charles Cyphers and Adrienne Barbeau. The music, done by Harry Sukman, lends to the Hitchcockian feel of the movie. Though widely available now on home video, Someone's Watching Me! was long considered to be John Carpenter's lost film.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Harry Sukman also did the music for Salem's Lot.

Kids vs. Aliens

From the heart of Dartmouth comes Jason Eisener's Kids vs. Aliens. Imagine if the kids from Stranger Things met up with the kids from Super 8 but instead of being into Spielberg and D&D, they were really into Troma and the WWE. It's a coming of age tale about family and creativity that's not afraid to get weird and gross at times.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Leopard Man

After a publicity stunt goes wrong, an escaped leopard terrorizes a small New Mexico town... or so it would seem. The Leopard Man once again pairs up producer Val Lewton and director Jacques Tourneur for another stylish and atmospheric horror film. Plot-wise, The Leopard Man is almost an anthology. There are characters that we follow throughout but the movie will occasionally introduce new characters that exist only to be killed off a few minutes later. The religious imagery throughout the film gives off serious Guillermo del Toro vibes. In some ways, The Leopard Man is very much ahead of its time but it's still a movie that will be primarily enjoyed by audiences that appreciate films of its era.

Rating: 66%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Raven

Instead of trying to adapt Poe's poem, Roger Corman's The Raven is primarily about a trio of squabbling magicians played by Vincent Price, Peter Lorre and Boris Karloff. Much like in Tales of Terror, Price and Lorre have great comedic chemistry together. While Karloff is mostly there to lend gravitas to the picture. Hazel Court is lovely as the devious Lenore and a young Jack Nicholson plays Lorre's son Rexford. Despite indulging in many of the same tricks and tropes, The Raven is much more of a straightforward comedy than any of Roger Corman's prior Poe pictures. There are plenty of jokes throughout the movie but the climactic magician's duel at the end of the film goes for broke with big, Looney Tunes energy.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Son of Dracula

Proto-goth girl Katherine invites Count Alucard to visit her family's plantation estate. Katherine's boyfriend Frank begins to suspect that there's something going on between Count Alucard and Katherine. Those suspicions are quickly confirmed after Katherine and Alucard get married. Meanwhile, Dr. Brewster's investigation into Count Alucard reveals some sinister details about Katherine's new husband. Son of Dracula plays like an Abbott and Costello movie without Abbott and Costello. It's more of a melodrama than a horror movie. At times it's racist, sexist, jingoistic and goofy. And, perhaps most glaringly, Lon Chaney Jr. is seriously miscast as Alucard/Dracula. The characters keep referring to Alucard as being Hungarian and having just come to the US from Hungary and yet Lon Chaney Jr. makes no attempt to sound Hungarian in the slightest. It should be said that there are some things to like in the movie. Some of the camera work and effects are very well done. The name Alucard, which would become part of the bigger Dracula lore, came from this movie. And, maybe most importantly, a number of scenes in Son of Dracula get referenced in The Monster Squad.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Frankenstein Created Woman

In Frankenstein Created Woman, Baron Frankenstein's efforts to cheat death have taken a new direction. Rather than merely reanimating dead flesh, the Baron attempts to preserve and transfer the human soul. After the Baron's assistant Hans is executed for a murder he did not commit, his soul is transferred into the body of Christina, a young woman who committed suicide after witnessing the execution. Christina, having no memory of her old life, begins to hear the voice of Hans, urging her to seek out and kill the people who framed him for murder. The rest of the movie has some great slasher vibes, with hints of Friday the 13th and Sleepaway Camp. Frankenstein Created Woman is a fun departure from Hammer's other Frankenstein films. There's no attempt to connect it to the previous entries in the series and it even skips over some of the sequences you would expect to see in a Frankenstein film, like the creature's creation.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Children of the Corn (2020)

I don't mean to wax philosophical about the original Children of the Corn movie, but it seems to me like the makers of that film were trying to suggest that fervent puritanical dogma could be just as scary and destructive as any monster lurking out in the darkness. Whereas, the maker's of 2020's Children of the Corn seem to have been thinking, "what if there was a scary monster made out of corn stalks that could rip a lady in half? That'd be cool, right?" Children of the Corn (2020) is a slightly modernized take on the Children of the Corn story. In this version, the children are led by a young girl named Eden, the sole survivor of an incident wherein the town's elders massacred a bunch of orphans. Early in the film, our lead character Bo is warned that by trying to fix any of the problems in her town, she would only end up making them worse. And then that's exactly what happens. Her efforts ultimately lead to the death of all her friends and family. At the end of the day, all of the Children of the Corn movies are kinda dumb and this one is no exception.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Freddy vs. Jason

An experimental dream suppressing drug robs Freddy Krueger of his ability to reach children in their dreams. Hoping to revitalize his powers, Freddy uses Jason Voorhees to stir up fear by thinning out the local teenage population. But, once he gets started, Jason proves impossible to control. From there, it's up to a group of plucky teens to pit the two deadly powerhouses against one another in the ultimate battle for slasher supremacy. Seeing this movie in the theatre, twenty years ago, is probably in my top five movie theatre experiences. It was on the last night of the movie's theatrical run. The college town crowd was just rowdy enough without being obnoxious. People laughed and cheered and yelled things at the screen. It was a great time. Watching the movie this time, twenty years later, on my couch, I was struck by how specifically dated it is. The preppy bullies, the nu metal soundtrack, and the noticeable absence of cellphones. It's very early aughts. It's also not very good, but there's really no way it could have been. It's an IP mashup designed to cash in on two existing fanbases. It's full of unlikeable characters and absurd leaps in logic. That said, it's easily the best Friday the 13th film from the New Line era and it's a fun finale for Robert Englund's tenure as Freddy Krueger.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

For those keeping score, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later takes place, appropriately, 20 years after the events of the original Halloween and Halloween II. H20 ignores the events of Halloween III, 4, 5 and The Curse of Michael Myers. H20 suggests that Michael and Loomis survived the hospital explosion in Halloween II, with Michael going MIA after the explosion and Loomis dying sometime in the years that followed. Laurie Strode, having faked her own death, has assumed the name Keri Tate. With Laurie/Keri now living with her 17 year old son in California, where she is the headmistress of a boarding school. In this continuity, Laurie and Michael are still siblings. H20 begins with Michael tracking Laurie down in California right before everybody leaves the boarding school for a big camping trip. Halloween H20 is kinda slow. It takes almost half the movie's running time for Michael to make it to California. The movie's body count is also pretty low. H20's portrayal of Laurie is pretty interesting though. She's wounded but a lot more proactive than we've seen her in the past. It's almost a precursor to the version of Laurie seen in the David Gordon Green Halloween trilogy. H20 has a pretty impressive cast, along with Jamie Lee Curtis there's Josh Hartnett, Michelle Williams, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Janet Leigh and LL Cool J. There's a Creed song given prominent placement in the film, which seems appropriate for a movie released in 1998. And even though this little pocket of Halloween continuity will be dropped after Halloween: Resurrection, H20 manages to be a decent entry in the series.

 

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: At one point, Scream 2 is seen playing on a TV in a dorm room.

Scream VI

Arriving in theatres a little more than a year after Scream (2022), Scream VI changes things up by moving the Ghostface action to New York City. The film is also set around Halloween, which allows for countless references to other horror movie characters and franchises. The characters that survived Scream (2022) are a little less likeable this time around, as almost every one of them takes some time in the film to acknowledge the trauma that they've been through. The legacy characters feel fairly unnecessary this time around. Fans might lament the absence of Sidney Prescott, but it's hard to say if she would have really added much to the story. The new setting allows for some variety in the kills and set pieces, which keeps the movie from feeling stale. But it also feels like the filmmakers played it safe this time around. It's possible that the quick turnaround between films didn't leave them enough time to really flesh out the plot. Maybe they're just holding back for the next movie. It feels pretty safe to assume that there'll be a Scream VII at some point.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Early on in the film, one of the characters is seen watching Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.

Prom Night (2008)

An obsessed teacher murders Donna's whole family. Three years later, he breaks out of jail and comes back to town looking for her... on Prom Night. In true Prom Night fashion, the 2008 reboot has nothing to do with the original Prom Night film or any of its sequels. It features a new cast of characters in a new location and makes no mention of Hamilton High or Mary Lou Maloney. It's a pretty toothless slasher with boring kills, but it does have one thing going for it: Idris Elba. That's right, Idris freakin' Elba can be found slumming it in 2008's Prom Night as Detective Winn. But, don't worry, he doesn't phone it in. The man is a consummate professional. He's probably the best part of the movie.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Leprechaun 4: In Space

You know how there's an alien in Alien? What if, instead of that alien being an alien, it was a leprechaun instead? That would be good, right? It turns out, not so much. The fourth entry in the continuity-averse Leprechaun series finds the titular Leprechaun running afoul of some space marines and a mad scientist, sometime in the vaguely defined future. There's no point in describing the plot in any greater detail but it needs to be said that for most of the movie the mad scientist character, Dr. Mittenhand (yup), looks like a cross between a Dalek and Captain Pike from "The Menagerie." Allow me to reiterate, Leprechaun 4 is not a good movie. It's just as horny and corny as all of the other Leprechaun movies, but it's dumber and even more tasteless than the films it follows. I did enjoy seeing the Leprechaun get into multiple gun fights though.

Rating: 52%

(Image from IMDB)

Fun Fact: Miguel A. Núñez Jr., who played Private Sticks, was also in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning and The Return of the Living Dead.

Tremors 3: Back to Perfection

After killing shriekers in South America, Burt Gummer returns to his old stomping grounds in Perfection, Nevada. Not long after, a trio of graboids are spotted in the area. Burt's efforts to eradicate the graboids are stymied by government interference. This leaves enough time for the graboids to reach their third stage of evolution, a flying variation that come to be known as ass blasters. Tremors 3 is a cheap looking movie, even cheaper looking than Tremors 2. It doesn't help that the movie's bad CGI is paired up with recycled graboid footage from the first movie. There's also no tension in Tremors 3. The score makes everything feel flat. The run time is also padded out with a number of plotlines for the new characters. Because, instead of seeing graboids hunting people, you're watching Tremors 3 to see Jodi, who took over her uncle Walter's market, bicker with Jack, who gives fake graboid tours to gullible tourists, right?

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

The cast and crew of a survivalist reality show are set upon by a clan of inbred cannibals. I'll begin by saying that the special effects in Wrong Turn 2: Dead End are well done. Most of the movie takes place during daytime and we get to see a lot of the deformed cannibal killers. The movie's script might not be anything spectacular but there are at least a couple of twists and turns that I didn't see coming. The acting, however, is hit or miss. The final girl does a great job. Henry Rollins delivers exactly the type of performance you would expect of him. And beloved Canadian character actor Wayne Robson has a fun little part as "Old Timer." The rest of the supporting cast's work is a little spotty. Most notably, the "comic relief" character Jonesy who never stops spewing lazy jokes and desperately horny come-ons.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Skinamarink

 

The creepiest movie about ceiling corners you’ll ever see! The fake grain did get a little headache inducing after a while though.

RATING: 67%

Ginger Snaps

Brigitte and Ginger Fitzgerald are the weird girls at school and that's how they like it. But things only get weirder for them after Ginger gets attacked by a large dog-like creature on the night of her first period. After the attack, Ginger starts to change. Everyone keeps saying that she's becoming a woman but Brigitte is convinced that her is sister is actually turning into a werewolf. Using puberty as an analogue for lycanthropy isn't exactly a new idea but Ginger Snaps does it well by combining it with a number of additional themes. The movie is just as much about family, sexuality, addiction, bullying, peer pressure and the boredom of growing up in a small town. The practical special effects and creative camerawork elevate the movie above its meager budget. Occasionally, the seams will show but overall Ginger Snaps is captivating from beginning to end.

Rating: 73%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Punisher

In the early 90s, I was a regular reader of Punisher comics. At the same time, I was not allowed to watch 1989's The Punisher. Even though my parents turned a blind eye to the violent comics I was reading, they held firm when it came to keeping me from seeing R rated movies. Maybe they were just happy I was reading. Who can say for sure? So, until very recently, The Punisher remained a mystery to me. Watching it now as an adult, I was struck by how cheap it looked. This shouldn't have come as a surprise to me given that it was made by New World Pictures, a company started by Roger Corman. Dolph Lundgren's look as the Punisher never quite worked for me either. He looks like a cross between the Terminator, Ghost Rider and Jerry Only from The Misfits. Some of the early sequences in the movie had serious slasher vibes, which I quite enjoyed. But you can tell that they tried to soften the impact of the film's violent nihilism by having the Punisher spend a good chunk of the movie trying to save some kidnapped children. Of the three Punisher films released so far, I would put 1989's The Punisher in the middle. Not the best, not the worst.

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Power of Kroll

Tensions are already running high when the Doctor and Romana arrive on the third moon of Delta Magna. The local tribe, referred to as the Swampies, are at war with the crew of a large scale methane refinery. Things are further complicated when the Swampies deity, Kroll, emerges from the depths and begins to consume anything that moves. The Power of Kroll is a decent serial with fairly decent effects. However, the look of the Swampies, actors painted green wearing "tribal" garb and painted cornrow wigs, is ridiculous. There's no real denying it. As far as the plot goes, it isn't anything particularly groundbreaking. We've seen similar, and slightly better, versions of this story in serials like Doctor Who and the Silurians and Terror of the Zygons.

Rating: Oh look, it's coming this way%

Daylight

After a massive explosion, a group of people become trapped inside the Holland Tunnel. With the water levels rising and a rapidly dwindling air supply, it's a race against time to save them. Their only hope, a cab driver named Kit. Daylight is an underrated action/disaster film. The practical effects still look great today. The cast is really good as well, with a number of them giving really standout performances. Is it a realistic movie? No, not at all. But, if you're looking for verisimilitude in a 90s action blockbuster, you might be an idiot.

Rating: 73%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: One of the survivors is played by Danielle Harris, star of Halloween 4, 5, the Producer's Cut of 6 and the Rob Zombie duology.

The 'Burbs

Ray Peterson can't seem to enjoy his vacation. He becomes obsessed with the strange lights and sounds coming from his neighbor's house. Nobody on the block seems to know anything about Ray's neighbors, the Klopeks. On the surface, they seem to be a quiet family who keep to themselves. But, buried just below the surface, something truly strange might be going on. Joe Dante's The 'Burbs is an absurdist comedy with a Twilight Zone edge. In his first role as a father, America's Dad Tom Hanks leads a terrific cast that includes Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Corey Feldman and Henry Gibson. The 'Burbs has a great sense of scale. The whole movie takes place on one street and yet everything is given a grand sense of significance. The movie's dialogue is snappy and all of the main characters are unique and well defined. The 'Burbs is an excellent showcase for Joe Dante's comedy and horror sensibilities.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: A couple years before he played Hans Klopek in The 'Burbs, Courtney Gains played Malachai in the original Children of the Corn. 

The Mask

1994 was the year that Jim Carrey really blew up with The Mask arriving that summer, in between Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Dumb and Dumber. And Carrey is the perfect actor for The Mask. He's able to convincingly portray both the docile bank clerk Stanley Ipkiss and his cartoonish alter ego. Carrey's incredible physicality also helps to sell the character beyond the practical effects and outdated CGI. The Mask's cast is rounded out with performances from Cameron Diaz, Richard Jeni, Amy Yasbeck and intelligent design propagandist Ben Stein. Though a fairly minor film, in the grand scheme of things, The Mask is easily one of the better comic book movies of the 1990s.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Androids of Tara

After arriving on Tara, the Doctor decides to take the day off and do some fishing, leaving Romana to find the next segment of the Key to Time on her own. To her credit, she manages to find the segment pretty quickly. Soon after, she meets Count Grendel of Gracht, possibly the most devious man on Tara, kickstarting a back and forth battle for control over the entire planet. The Androids of Tara is an average serial. The setting is odd, aside from the presence of lifelike androids and some electrified weaponry, it's an entirely medieval world. With a few minor adjustments, The Androids of Tara could easily have been a historical story from the show's early years. The Doctor is in fine form here, throwing out plenty of witty remarks but, otherwise, it's a fairly forgettable story.

Rating: My hat's on fire%

Kindergarten Cop

Tough as nails cop John Kimble goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher, heartwarming hilarity ensues. Kindergarten Cop probably shouldn't work. It bounces back and forth between bleak violence and earnest sweetness, coming dangerously close to saccharine schmaltz. And yet it succeeds by way of its cast and script. The kids, some of whom seem way too old to be in kindergarten, are delightful. And the script gives Arnold plenty of opportunities to flex his comedic and dramatic muscles. My own mother, who has zero interest in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, calls Kindergarten Cop "cute." Truly making it fun for the whole family.

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Miko Hughes, who famously played the "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" kid, was also in Pet Sematary, Wes Craven's New Nightmare and Spawn.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

The original I Know What You Did Last Summer was a straightforward, some might say formulaic, whodunnit slasher. It was well cast, well shot and it arrived at a time when audiences were hungry for throwback slashers. The sequel, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, arrived in theatres some thirteen months later and bombed pretty badly. It's not hard to see why. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is very contrived. The original film didn't leave a lot of room for potential sequels, so the movie has to jump through a few hoops in order to establish its premise. The sequel also goes a little overboard with the number of dream sequences and fakeouts, which really slows things down during the first two acts. The mostly new cast handle themselves fairly well, especially Brandy, Jack Black and Jeffrey Combs. But even though I Still Know What You Did Last Summer isn't exactly reinventing the wheel, it's not a slog. It looks good and it borrows elements from some great old school slashers.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Spawn

I saw Spawn in the theatre, back in 1997, when it was first released. I honestly wish I could remember my impression of the film at that time but it has long since faded from memory. What I can tell you for sure is that last night, as I was taking the cellophane off of a ten year old DVD copy of the movie, I had a chuckle when I read the cover which boasted that Spawn was "The special-effects movie event of the year." Just for reference, 1997 was the same year that Titanic, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Men in Black were released. I bring this up mostly to confirm something that you probably already knew, the special effects in Spawn are dog shit. And the rest of the movie surrounding those effects isn't much better. It's kinda like Tim Burton's version of RoboCop with a hint of The Greatest American Hero mixed in. And the soundtrack, which I definitely had on CD, sticks out like a sore thumb now. Hearing Marilyn Manson and Sneaker Pimps drown out dialogue as Spawn walks through the alleyways will make you think, "Wow, 1997 was a very different time."

Rating: 58%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Stones of Blood

The Stones of Blood starts simply enough, the Doctor and Romana's search for the third segment of the Key to Time takes them to the English countryside. There they discover some strange goings-on involving a group of modern-day Druids and a stone circle. Soon after, the absurdities begin to pile on top of one another. There's an alien impersonating a Celtic goddess, a trio of bloodsucking stone monoliths, a spaceship stuck in hyperspace and a trial lorded over by a pair of justice machines. It all sounds a little disjointed, and in some ways it is, but it ends up being a fairly decent story. It's also the first story in a while to include some horror elements, with the killer stone slabs stalking and killing some unsuspecting campers.

Rating: Anyone for tennis?%

Commando

Someone is killing the former members of John Matrix's Special Forces team. Someone with a score to settle. That someone has about 12 hours to live, they just don't know it yet. Commando is a balls to the wall 80s action flick stuffed to the gills with steel drums and squealing saxophones. It's light on plot and logic but heavy on explosions and bloody squibs. Arnold's character in Commando is very quippy, tossing out almost as many barbs as death sentences. The supporting cast includes Alyssa Milano, Rae Dawn Chong, Vernon Wells, Dan Hedaya, David Patrick Kelly, Bill Duke and there's even a cameo appearance from Bill Paxton as an "Intercept Officer."

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Summer School

Freddy Shoop, Oceanfront High School's laid back gym teacher, gets roped into teaching a remedial English class over the summer break. Shoop's students are "unmotivated, irresponsible," and according to the vice principle, "not too bright." But, with his job on the line, Shoop makes an attempt to get through to the kids. His methods are a little unusual, but dammit, they sorta get results. Summer School is a fun and fairly light 80s comedy. Not too mentally taxing, which is appropriate given the subject matter. While the plot is fairly simple and standard, Summer School is blessed with a bevy of fun characters: a surfer girl, a dumb jock, a nervous nerd, a girl with an undiagnosed learning disability, a foreign exchange student, a pregnant girl, a kid secretly moonlighting as an exotic dancer and pair of nutty gorehounds named Chainsaw and Dave. Mark Harmon is great as Shoop and Kirstie Alley showcases the fun and flirty banter that would serve her so well on Cheers. Summer School, it won't feel like homework.

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Shawnee Smith, who played Rhonda, was also in 1988's The Blob, Who's Harry Crumb? and a couple of the Saw films.

Howard the Duck

Howard the Duck is just minding his own business, perusing pornography, when he's sucked through a portal in space and transported to Earth. He lands in Cleveland, Ohio, where he's immediately attacked by punks. The setup is very similar to what happened to Supergirl when she arrived on Earth, just without Matt Frewer and the threat of sexual violence. Howard eventually meets up with Beverly and becomes the manager of her band, Cherry Bomb. Then things take a turn and it becomes a race to stop an evil alien from bringing the Dark Overlords of the Universe to Earth. Howard the Duck is all over the place. It's a comedy. It's an adventure movie. It's sci-fi. It's a half-assed mishmash of all those things and more. It was neither successful nor well received at the time. Some still consider it one of the worst movies of all time. I wouldn't say it's that bad. It's definitely muddled and misguided but it also has an absorbing appeal that keeps me coming back to it every so often.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: David Paymer played a scientist in the movie. He also played a scientist in Night of the Creeps, which came out around the same time as Howard the Duck.

The Pirate Planet

The Doctor and Romana trace the second segment of the Key to Time to the cold, uninhabited planet Calufrax. Only, when they arrive, they find that the TARDIS has actually materialized on the planet Zanak. Zanak, a populated world teeming with advanced technology and an overabundance of precious gems, appears to be lorded over by the tyrannical and partially mechanical Captain. But Zanak also holds a dark secret and only by teaming up with the Mentiads, a mysterious group with psychic powers, will the Doctor and his companions be able to uncover the mystery of Zanak and find the next piece of the Key to Time. The Pirate Planet is probably most famous for being the first contribution to Doctor Who by Douglas Adams. Adams would go on to write two more stories for Doctor Who as well as being the script supervisor for the show's following season. There is some overlap, both in concepts and characters, between Adams' work on Doctor Who and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is hardly surprising given that he was working on both around the same time.

Rating: Don't panic%