The Brain of Morbius

The Doctor is both frustrated and petulant after the TARDIS arrives on the planet Karn. His efforts to take Sarah Jane back home have been thwarted again, through no fault of his own this time. Though he doesn't know why, the Doctor is convinced that the Time Lords have deliberately put him off course. At first, he refuses to even explore the planet. Sarah has to goad him into looking around. They soon find a graveyard of downed spaceships and the headless corpse of a Mutt. Before long, they arrive at the castle of Solon, a renowned surgeon who had gone into hiding some time ago. Deep within Solon's castle are the scant remains of Morbius, a renegade Time Lord. With the help of his hook-handed assistant Condo, Solon attempts to take the Doctor's head so that it might be a vessel for the brain of Morbius. It's a classic riff on the Frankenstein story. Moody and atmospheric, with expressionist architecture drenched in shadows. And it's surprisingly violent at times. While it's not unusual for characters to die on Doctor Who, this is the first time I can think of where a character is shot and they use squibs and blood packs to show the impact. There's more to the story, including a coven of nearly immortal women called the Sisterhood of Karn, but it's worth experiencing on your own.

Rating: I'm just going to sit here and do nothing%

Black Christmas

Just before Christmas break, a group of sorority sisters start receiving obscene phone calls. After one of the sisters taunts the caller, he threatens to kill her. The caller then breaks into the sorority house and begins to pick off the residents one by one. Bob Clark's Black Christmas is often considered to be one of earliest slasher films. Whether you agree with that or not is a matter of taste, but the use of POV shots and the creative kills certainly put Black Christmas into the conversation. While it's unclear where the movie is supposed to be taking place, the scenery and the majority of the accents are unmistakably Canadian. Black Christmas can be a little slow at times, but the atmosphere and the bleak ending are very well done. Watching it now, it's clear that Black Christmas inspired quite a few of the slasher films that followed in its wake.

Rating: 72%

Fun Fact: Art Hindle, who played Clare's boyfriend Chris, was also in The Brood.

(Image from Wikipedia)

White Christmas

I’m not a big fan of musicals. I never have been and probably never will be. I can appreciate the craftsmanship of the performances. There is certainly plenty of talent on display in movies like White Christmas, even though it does little for me. It’s not the artifice of the song and dance numbers that bother me. I don’t need movies to be realistic in order to enjoy them. Often, and especially with White Christmas, my problem is all that singing and dancing delays the narrative. The first 45 minutes of White Christmas are fun and breezy. We move from WWII to Broadway to Florida to Vermont. We’re introduced to all the important characters and the crux of the plot is established. And then things slow way down. The hour and fifteen minutes that follow are overstuffed with big, showy musical numbers. Again, all the talent on display is impressive, but my interest in the movie dissipates with every new routine. White Christmas is really a mixed bag for me, I love the “let’s put on a show” storyline but there are just too many performances in the movie to keep my interest.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas Story

Step by Step ran for seven seasons, from 1991 to 1998. It was made by some of the same people that made Family Matters, Steve Urkel even made an appearance on Step by Step's second episode. It was another big, broad 90s sitcom with a big cast. It had the same setup as the Brady Bunch, two single parents marry and form a large blended family. The show's breakout character was Cody, a goofy stoner/surfer-type with endless hidden skills and a stealthy wisdom beyond his years. In "Christmas Story," Frank and Carol (played by TV veterans Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers) realize on Christmas Eve that they've forgotten to pick up some important presents for their kids. Frank, a contractor, just so happens to have the keys to a toy store he's remodeling, so he and Carol let themselves in "with intent to purchase." Unfortunately for them, they're arrested by Deputy Feif (played by special guest star Don Knotts, in a not-so-subtle homage to his character on the Andy Griffith Show). Back at home, the kids are so consumed with opening presents that they don't even notice that their parents are missing. Thankfully, Cody is there to teach everyone an important lesson about the true meaning of Christmas.

Rating: Fried Chicken%

Fun Fact: Suzanne Somers and Don Knotts were both on Three's Company.

The Little Drummer Boy, Book II

As far as Rankin/Bass specials go, the original Little Drummer Boy special was both straightforward and coherent. The sequel, not so much. The Little Drummer Boy, Book II picks up where the first special ended. Aaron, the titular drummer boy, joins Melchior on a quest to find Simeon, a bell maker. Simeon has crafted silver bells, meant to be rung to announce the birth of Christ. Before Aaron and Melchior reach Simeon, the bells are stolen by some greedy Roman tax collectors. Will Aaron and his friends be able to get the bells back in time to announce the birth of our Lord and savior? Isn't it weird that the little drummer boy is named Aaron? I mean, I know this is all based off of a song from the 1940s, but don't you think they could have come up with a more convincing name? The kid grew up in the desert for Pete's sake.

Rating: Silver Bells%

(Image from IMDB)

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel

Since our last Christmas with the Winslows, the opening credits of Family Matters has gone from nine to ten credited actors. In season four, the underappreciated Waldo Geraldo Faldo was bumped up to the main cast, although he does not appear in this episode. Telma Hopkins, who played Aunt Rachel, would no longer be a full-time cast member after season four, though she would still return to the show from time to time. Judy Winslow, played by Jaimee Foxworth, would be written off the show after season four. And, like Chuck Cunningham, Judy would never really be mentioned again. Even though I feel bad for the actor, it's hardly surprising that they would drop Judy from the cast. She appears at the beginning and end of the episode, but she doesn't have any lines. With Richie getting all of the precocious kid material, there's really nothing left for Judy. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel" takes a page from the It's a Wonderful Life playbook. Laura gets a visit from her guardian angel after she hurts Steve's feelings for the millionth time. Tyrone, her angel, shows Laura what it would be like if her and Steve's roles were reversed. In the angel's vision, Steve becomes Steve Winslow while Laura becomes the nerdy neighbor Laura Urkel. Tyrone gives Laura the chance to go back and be nicer to Steve, resulting in her inviting Steve to spend Christmas Eve with the Winslows. It's not groundbreaking television by any means, but Kellie Shanygne Williams does a great job in nerd form.

Rating: Crystal Vase%

Frosty Returns

Frosty Returns isn't really a Christmas Special. It's some hippy-dippy bait-and-switch environmentalist propaganda bullshit. It's also not very good. It looks good and it has a great voice cast but that's about it. And, as much as I like John Goodman (he's in at least two of my favorite movies), he really has no business singing. I haven't really liked any of the Frosty specials so far, so I probably shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't end up liking Frosty Returns.

Rating: Yellow Snow%

(Image from IMDB)

It's a Wonderful Leaf

Even supervillains have to shop. Unfortunately, the shitty shoppers of St. Canard prove to be too much for Bushroot to bare and he decides to ruin Christmas for everyone. Using his plant-based powers, Bushroot amasses an army of Christmas trees to carry out his pernicious plans. Step one: cause chaos at the mall. Step two: steal everyone's presents. Only one thing stands in Bushroot's way, the daring do-gooder Darkwing Duck. Ever since I got Disney+, I've really been enjoying revisiting some of the classic Disney Afternoon shows. I think Darwking Duck holds up particularly well. Something tells me that Bonkers and Goof Troop might not have aged as gracefully though.

Rating: Sled%

(Image from IAD)

Alpha's Magical Christmas

It's Christmas time at the Command Center and Alpha 5 is feeling sad. He misses his best friends, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. To cheer Alpha up, Zordon teleports a bunch of children to the Command Center to sing songs, bake cookies and help decorate for Christmas. What the fuck am I talking about? Why it's Alpha's Magical Christmas, the direct to video Christmas special featuring Alpha 5, everyone's favorite spastic robot. I was a little too old for Power Rangers when they first hit in North America. I thought the show was weird and cheap looking. I could understand the appeal of the Power Rangers but it was never anything that really stayed with me. I didn't even know that Alpha's Magical Christmas existed up until a year ago. It has a lot in common with We Wish You a Turtle Christmas, because it too is terrible. It's jam packed with Christmas songs sung by a children's choir and it is shot in the softest of soft focus. It's softer than the softest Uhura closeup.

Rating: Rollerblades%

(Image from RangerWiki)

Silent Night

Someday we'll look back on the era of horror movies from the early 2000s and 2010s and we'll have name for it. Like Film Noir, we'll find some snappy label for the look and tropes of the genre. Silent Night will definitely be a part of that yet-to-be-named genre. It's got all the hallmarks: shaky handheld camera work, a desaturated color palette, CGI blood, a nu metal soundtrack, and it gets bonus points for being a remake. It's not, however, a straightforward remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night, even though it takes a few things directly from the original. Silent Night is a movie about small town cops trying to stop a sadistic serial killer in a Santa suit. It's kind of like if Rob Zombie remade Fargo. It's competently made and there are at least 3 recognizable/credible actors in it. Most notably it features Malcolm McDowell playing the Sheriff of a small Wisconsin town for some reason. It's technically better than any of the other Silent Night, Deadly Night films, but I would sooner go back to watch a crazy piece of shit like The Toy Maker than the lukewarm bore that is Silent Night.

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five

Guess Who's Coming to Christmas

It's Christmas Eve in Milwaukee and Mr. C has laid down the law. There'll be no friends or guests in the Cunningham home for the holidays. It'll just be the family. Trimming the tree, making popcorn and drinking warm apple cider by the fire. But on his way home from the hardware store, Richie beings to suspect that Fonzie is going to be all alone for Christmas. Sure, the Fonz puts up a cool front. He regales anyone who asks about the family celebration waiting for him in Waukesha. But the truth is, he has nowhere to go. And if you think that the Fonz ends up spending the holiday alone, it's possible that you've never seen a TV show before. "Guess Who's Coming to Christmas" aired during the second season of Happy Days, when the show's ratings were in decline and it was in danger of being cancelled. For the following season, the show was restructured and Fonzie became a much more prominent character. The show would go on to run for eleven seasons, spawning several spin-offs.

Rating: A Three in One Wrench%

Fun Fact: "Guess Who's Coming to Christmas" features the final appearance of Chuck Cunningham, Richie's older brother. I've only ever seen a couple of episodes of Happy Days that featured Chuck. He liked playing basketball and he wasn't very smart. I'm really not sure if there was more to him than that.

Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself

I've never lived in a trailer park. I've also never been to jail. And yet despite that, there's something so familiar and nostalgic to me about Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself. Maybe it's the soft focus of the early 2000s digital video, which gives everything a warm, gauzy sheen. Maybe it's the fact that I've lived in Nova Scotia for most of my life and I don't find the characters on Trailer Park Boys to be all that exaggerated. I can still remember when I first heard about the show and the rush of pride I felt as it started to find an audience outside of the Maritimes. Over the years, I was lucky enough to meet a few members of the cast in real life. I even got to speak with John Dunsworth a few times before he passed away. On several occasions, I got to watch people recognize him in public and see him turn into Mr. Lahey for them. You've never seen people smile so enthusiastically as they were being told to fuck off.

Rating: Weed and Hash%

(Image from Amazon)

The Night of the Meek

After showing up late and drunk, Henry Corwin gets fired from his job as a department store Santa. On his way home, he comes across a large sack. At first, it appears to be full of garbage. But, upon closer inspection, it turns out that the sack is actually full of presents. Overjoyed, Henry starts handing out gifts to all those in need. From the winos in the mission house to the poor children on the street. All Henry needs to do is reach into the bag and out comes whatever the recipient desires most. Despite being an episode of The Twilight Zone, there's no ironic twist to the story. Henry is briefly arrested, as it's assumed that the presents are stolen, but even the cops are quick to agree that the mysterious sack is supernatural in origin. The episode ends neatly and sweetly. "The Night of the Meek" is both thoughtfully existential and earnestly straightforward. It has a lot in common with Ziggy's Gift and Ernest Saves Christmas, both of which I love. I can't imagine that "Night of the Meek" shows up on a lot of Twilight Zone Top Ten lists, but I still found it to be a charming curiosity.

Rating: A Pipe and a Smoking Jacket%

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids will always hold a special place in my heart. Growing up in Canada and being obsessed with Ghostbusters meant that I was predisposed to love any movie featuring Rick Moranis. Couple that with the fact that the movie was accompanied by an original Roger Rabbit cartoon, it was like Disney was marketing the movie directly to me. And, as if that weren't enough, not long after the movie came out, my family and I went to Disney World. There, in what was then known as MGM Studios, my Sister and I were picked out of the crowd and given the opportunity to ride the giant bee prop used in the film. They filmed us riding the bee to demonstrate how the actors were incorporated into the flying sequence. We were supposed to act scared but the two of us were smiling ear to ear in the footage. It remains one of my most cherished memories of that trip. Watching the movie again as an adult brought back a lot of those warm nostalgic feelings, but I would hesitate to say that the movie is a classic. The effects hold up pretty well and the performances are all good, but the characters are very boilerplate. I was amused to discover that, much like Monster Squad, the movie contains a troubled marriage subplot that did not, in any way, register with me when I watched it as a child.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Incredible Shrinking Man

Scott Carey was a typical man, living out the 1950s equivalent of the American Dream. But after a chance encounter with a mysterious fog bank, he begins to shrink. At first, no one believes him. Before long, his diminishing size becomes undeniable. Scientists struggle to understand his condition, working feverishly to find a cure. Scott's dwindling size begins to put stress on his marriage. No longer able to work, his attempts to cash in on his infamy only lead to intense public and media scrutiny. He withdraws further and further into himself as he shrinks, taking out his frustration on his wife. Then one day she accidentally leaves the front door open and Butch, the family cat, gets into the house and begins to hunt Scott like it would a mouse. Barely escaping the cat, Scott is then trapped in his cellar, where his life and death struggles truly begin. Even though I don't think Scott is a particularly sympathetic character (he's a chauvinist who comes really close to cheating on his wife at one point in the movie) he has the pathos of a film noir character. He narrates the film, mythologizing his journey along the way. The Incredible Shrinking Man actually has a surprising amount of depth. I can see how the themes of the movie could be interpreted in a number of ways. It can be enjoyed easily enough on a surface level, but I'm also willing to bet that there are some Men's Rights Activists out there praising the movie and using it to justify all sorts of repugnant shit.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

House on Haunted Hill

Five strangers are invited to a party in a haunted house by an eccentric millionaire. Each guest is promised $10,000, if they can survive the night. Are there really ghosts closing in on the partygoers or is their host... a murderer? I can see how William Castle's House on Haunted Hill might have been successful back in the 1950s. One of the film's original in-theatre gimmicks involved flying a plastic skeleton over the audience. To modern audiences, the movie will probably feel a little stiff and stagey, almost like it was the film adaptation of a radio drama. However, if you're the type of person who could go for a movie where Vincent Price sneaks around the Scooby-Doo hallways of an old dark house while dramatic thunder and lightning goes off, then this movie is for you.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

StageFright

After escaping from a psychiatric hospital, a mass murderer follows a struggling actress back to her rehearsal. With an opening only days away, the director of the production coerces some of the cast and crew into working overtime. To keep his actors from leaving, he locks the theatre and has an underling hide the key, unknowingly locking the killer inside as well. Donning the costume of the Night Owl, the maniac silently stalks the trapped troupe. StageFright is a fairly by-the-numbers slasher. It's a little late to the game, but it's well made and surprisingly gory at times. The killer's costume is decent, despite being borderline ridiculous. It's an entertaining enough movie, but it's not exactly re-inventing the wheel.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Channel Zero - No End House

Some college kids visit a traveling haunted house where apparently each room is scarier than the last and if you go past like room eight nobody ever sees you again! That's basically the creepypasta there, but you need more for six episodes so there's some good stuff about grief and some monsters who eat pomegranate memories.

RATING: 88%

Revenge of the Creature

The Creature from the Black Lagoon is captured and taken to Florida, where it's put on display at an aquarium. After a few weeks of being gawked at by yokels and prodded by scientists, the Creature breaks its chains and goes on an old fashioned killing spree. Who could have ever seen that coming? The Creature also kidnaps the pretty lady scientist who'd been studying it. From there, it's up to our man Clete (yes, his first name is Clete) to rescue the girl and get his own revenge on the Creature. Released the year after The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Revenge feels like a bit of a rush job. There's some recycled footage from the first movie in it and a few of the underwater scenes look like they were filmed in a hotel pool. But despite having been mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's not all bad. While it's definitely a step down in quality from the original film, it still has some charm.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Langoliers

A buncha disparate strangers including, you guessed it, an author wake up in the middle of their cross country flight to find that most of the passengers and crew and people of Earth have vanished. Luckily one of them is a deadheading pilot so he decides to set the plane down in, you guessed it, Bangor Maine to figure stuff out. Turns out they're out of sync with time and are about to be eaten by these little Pac Men creatures who clean up the past. I remember watching this as a kid and busting out laughing at how bad the CG was for the titular monsters was but figured maybe I'd be cooler with it now since even a lot of what I considered "good" CG in the 90s looks ridiculous in 2021 but no, this is still incredibly laughable. 

RATING: 31%

Killdozer

A meteorite crashes down on an island off the coast of Africa. After an unspecified amount of time, a construction crew happens upon the meteorite while working on the island. When the crew's bulldozer moves the meteorite, it emits a strange blue light, killing one of the workers. Then the bulldozer begins to operate on its own. And it seems to have a taste for blood. One by one, the crew are hunted down and killed by the machine, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds. This made for TV movie doesn't break any new ground. (Get it? It's a construction joke. No? OK, I'll see myself out.) It's basically Duel meets The Car. It's a mini Maximum Overdrive, if you will. It's an interesting artifact from a bygone era, but it's also something you've probably seen done better elsewhere.

Rating: 53%

(Image from YouTube)

DOOM Eternal

I'm not sure if I can call this game (or any Doom really) a horror game. Sure, the plot is about Hell demons taking over Earth and you're tearing zombies apart with your bare hands, but it feels more like the video game personification of a metal album. Still extremely fun even if there's one super frustrating boss.

RATING: 73%

Terror Train

Three years after an initiation prank went too far, some fraternity brothers decide to throw a New Year's Eve party on a train. Because, according to movies, this was something that people did. What they don't know is that they're not alone. Of course, they were never actually going to be alone alone on the train. It's not like these kids were going to conductor school, they're pre-med students. What I mean to say is that someone has crashed their party. Someone who just might have something to do with the prank that I mentioned earlier. Released the same year as Friday the 13th and Prom Night, Terror Train is part of the first wave of post-Halloween slashers. Setting the action on a moving train gives the film a claustrophobic tone. And even though the movie isn't shot or scripted well enough to be a proper whodunnit, Terror Train is still a must-see for fans of classic slashers.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Haunting of Hill House

Another spooky horror show is this ghosty adaptation of Shirley Jackson's classic book. It's got some sad parts and some scary parts and some long single shot parts where everybody better know all their dang lines. Come for the scares, stay for the feels, and also stay for the hidden ghosts.

RATING: 88%

Jaws: The Revenge

To take her mind off the pain of losing her youngest son, Ellen Brody travels to the Bahamas to spend time with her family. She becomes convinced that the shark who killed her son has followed her to the Bahamas to take revenge on the rest of the Brody family. And even though everyone around is her is 100% in the right to think she's losing her mind, the shark has actually followed her and does make some attempts to kill the rest of her family. The whole thing is kinda stupid. It might have been better if it had been a TV movie. Jaws: The Revenge really had no business trying to be a summer horror movie. It's a movie about generational trauma and grief. There's nothing particularly fun or sexy about that. But, perhaps, worst of all is the fact that the shark in the movie looks terrible. It looks like a wet cigar awkwardly gliding through the water. It's laughably bad.

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Dolores Claiborne

A fancy New York City writer has to return home to, you guessed it, rural Maine whenever her mother is accused of murder. Well, no biggie, I'm sure everybody's parents have been accused of murder at least once, except this is the (gasp) second time she's been accused of murder, ulp! The first was when her mother was accused but never charged of killing her abusive husband when the fancy writer was just a little girl. This is one a those non-horror Stephen King movies and it's pretty good thanks to Kathy Bates, though the overwrought Danny Elfman score almost ruins it.

RATING:  77%

Cat People

Oliver and Irena meet one day at the zoo. Their chance encounter by the panther cage soon blossoms into romance. Before long, they're married. But all is not well for the newlyweds. Irena is troubled. Something from her past is haunting her. A terrible secret that begins to drive a wedge between Irena and her husband. Something that no one else could possibly understand. Something that could kill them both. Cat People might be the classiest horror movie I've ever seen. It's practically not even a horror movie. If it weren't for the fact that a woman transforms into a panther and kills people, it would almost be film noir. It's a fantastic looking movie, 1940s styles and designs drenched in expressionistic shadows. It's a slow burn but it has atmosphere up the wazoo.

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Layers of Fear 2

The first Layers of Fear was a terrifying blast, so of course I leapt at the chance to get the sequel (when it was on sale for five bucks cuz I'm a video game cheapskate). It's more of the same sorta surreal goofin I loved from the first one, but it's nowhere near as scary. I dunno if that's because I played this one on XBox and the first one on PC (something about slouching in front of a small screen vs relaxing in front of the big TV), or maybe it's just not as good. But hey, it's got Tony Todd!

RATING: 61%

Spookies

Spookies, like so many other terrible horror movies, has a cult following. It might have something to do with the long-held belief that Spookies had actually been assembled from two separate, unfinished movies. The truth, much like the movie, is far less interesting. Spookies started out as a haunted house movie called Twisted Souls. At some point during the editing stage, it was decided that a significant portion of the movie would be reshot and the plot of the movie would be made far less coherent. The final product combines the haunted house footage with a storyline about a wizard (?) who is killing people to keep his bride alive. To give credit where credit's due, the movie is jam packed with practical special effects. They're kinda hokey for the most part though, almost like they're from a lower budget Full Moon Features flick. Mercifully, the movie is only 85 minutes long.

Rating: 49%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Channel Zero - Candle Cove

The premise of this show is that each season is based off of some old creepypasta. Sounds terrible, but this show is amazing. The first season centers around a creepypasta I remember from the early or mid 2000s about a mysterious kid show broadcast that maybe or maybe not was real, and also a monster made of teeth. Adding to the whole eerie atmosphere is the fact that they shoot the show in Manitoba which is like some weird simulacrum of western society. 

RATING: 83%

The Revenge of Frankenstein

Having escaped the guillotine, Baron Frankenstein sets up shop in a new town under an alias. The arrival of an eager pupil allows him to expand the scope of his experiments. And soon enough, another creature is born. But what starts out as an advancement in science quickly becomes another threat to all mankind. The Revenge of Frankenstein is definitely a step down in quality from its predecessor. The new creature isn't anywhere near as effective or iconic as Christopher Lee's monster in The Curse of Frankenstein and the sequel's bare bones story isn't very compelling either. However, Peter Cushing's performance as Baron Frankenstein is top notch once again. He carries these films.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)